Be there for your child, listen and never shout | Páll Ólafsson | TEDxReykjavik

I sat in my office almost mesmerized by this young woman I had met so many times before she looked me straight in the eyes and said in a clear, firm voice, if I'm supposed to believe in myself, then you have to believe in me, there was chopped up. his arms with razor blades again I am a social worker in

child

protection and in my work I have met

child

ren who do not want to live children who do not want to live like this children who abuse drugs children who do not want to go to school When I asked them these kids why are they in this situation, the answer no one loves me, no one

listen

s to me, no one gives me a chance and no one took advantage of who I really am, so the question I want to explore with you today is what kind of people are we?

It has to be so that children do not experience these feelings so that they do not get lost in their lives. Can we do something so that children do not lose faith in us adults so that they do not think that no one cares? I think we can have this talk. is based on the wisdom I learned from my wonderful wife, my five children, my co-workers Diane and the creators of restitution theory and, last but not least, all those interesting children I met as social worker. What are the most important skills for young people to master when they leave the school system today?

They are communication skills, problem solving, teamwork, speaking and

listen

ing. Remember that you must listen twice as much as you speak, that's why you have two ears but only one. mouth but these skills we are teaching our children those skills and if not, how can we do it? We have to use good methods to guide our children. Let's

never

use physical force. Do not scream. Do not scream. Don't preach above their heads. Don't point

your

finger at them. What have you done? Why can't you be more like a brother? You suck. I knew this. What happened. What will happen is that you get too close to the child.

They will try to push you away. will give you the finger it's not this finger they will

shout

go away go away I don't want to talk to you and they don't learn anything don't blame the children you say something like what have you done you don't know how much this is It hurts me, why can't you be more like

your

sister? I can not sleep at night. The children felt hurt by the blame, they say it's like they have a stone landing in their stomach and they have trouble getting it out again. They lowered their heads. and say I'm sorry, forgive me, it wasn't my fault, always trying to remove the stone and

never

learning anything, children don't learn by asking for forgiveness, they learn by being, they learn if you give them another chance and if he believed in them, so we should talk to the children, listen to the children. and if they make a mistake we ask them we give them space to fix it not by asking for forgiveness but by doing something they can be proud of let me explain to you if I mix up if I make a mistake and I have to talk to my daughter about something very important right now and I make a mistake , I yell at him or use an angry tone and I have to relax and wait a few hours or even better until the next day, then we can both use that. our brain to communicate, that is, if I remember what this important topic was that I normally don't let myself explain, all this has to do with our brain, our big brain, there we have all our experience, our ability to solve problems by talking and listening, if we are angry, upset or scared, we can't use our prey, it switches to survival mode and we can't use it to solve problems, this is a behavior of all times, very old times, even before the 60s, when I was born, you went out. in a meadow when suddenly a saber-toothed tiger jumps at you and wants to eat you, you can talk to him, I mean this is Tyger and you are something and what happens is the brain takes over the situation, it acts in fractions of a second and prevents blood from flowing to your brain and delivers it to your arm so you can throw your spear at the tiger or through your legs to run away from this beast.

It's the same reason why today, if our children are upset, scared or angry, their brain is in survival mode and they may 'They don't talk or listen, they just want to fight or flee' Do you think birds are important? Yes they are. I mean, I use them every day. I use them now, but when people digest what you say, they only judge your message. The percentage is just the words you use, so don't worry so much about what you say to other people. The rest is 35% tonality, how you use your tone and 55% is your body language.

Let me show you. Hello, dad, he's home. to see you hello daddy is home it's good to see you I love you very much can you solve this problem I love you very much we can solve this problem and you have to think about your arms and your face look this means that you want to solve the problem this means that you don't, the children They are very good at perceiving this and if you closed the sign, they closed their minds. Do you think children do well what we tell them to do? Maybe your kids, but most kids do what we do.

It's not what we say, that's why no teenager wears a helmet when riding a bike, so teach kids how to solve problems, how to talk to each other, how to listen to others, show them your skills and how to enjoy life. Here are some things you can do. in your life easy things always have glasses or dinner together maybe not like that dad the Master Chief is cooking everything is ready pick up his phone yes he is so old that he has a mobile and creates a fabulous status on Facebook in the quick dinner for adults my wonderful kids smiley face is ready, but these wonderful kids just click dislike or send their message, most likely a snapchat saying can you deliver it to the room number?

No, there is no room service in this house, thank you and if your child does not want to. to eat remember that the most important thing is that he is part of the family he is part of the table at the table not at the table remember do not use this quality time to force him to eat green things don't worry children, they can survive with a breakfast cereal for a few years always try to sneak a peek at dinners together kids love making food homemade pizzas pasta cookies filled with healthy ingredients like syrup fudge maybe your teen will come and tell you how unhealthy it is Is this or does his little brother want to show him how to do this exactly right no, no, it is - it's exactly two spoons let me show you I can't do it let him do it the most important thing is that he be part of this family cooking thing always enjoy the mornings do something special get up 15 minutes early and put your Christmas plates and your Christmas glasses on the table and slide the condom on I promise when you're 5 years old come and see this lights up and says whose birthday it is sit down and when your teenager comes down sentence , he says he looks at you with empty eyes and says you have completely lost your mind or someone has died and why is he doing this.

His brain has woken up and that's a good start to the day. Always try to talk to your children in a positive way, not alone. talking about the horrible coworker you work with going crazy makes the adult world more exciting or they wonder why I'm growing up and maybe they think you should grow up instead, I mean you always come home complaining , I thought that you I want to be someone else or do something else, but keep studying so that you can discover yourself when you are older, why it's okay, always try to listen to your children, if your child comes closer, you should talk to yourself, sit down and take your time. put down all the electrical gadgets and listen, even teenagers need to talk about things in their life, sometimes we think kids know everything, we just google it, but they can't google everything they can google feelings, the first heartbreak when you lost your best friend, when you have to change schools you don't have to have the solution you just have to listen always try to see your children don't go in circles around a child in a grocery store who is alone and Christ , whose child is this, I mean, they are not dangerous, they usually don't bite, they usually go with the child, bend your knees, it's good for the knees and say yes, yes, this is a horrible store.

You are absolutely right and then you can say: have you lost your parents? You need? help or you could say you're a funny kid. Can I keep you? That's why I have five. No, no, just kidding, always try to enjoy having children. I know it can't be difficult. I have five. I mean, I haven't had a complete child. They sleep at night for thirty years, but they are wonderful human beings and even teams can be cool and fun, like when the first teenage hormonal explosion hits a family, you know, puberty, this is an example, no one understands me, you do not understand me.

Too old, I must be adopted as he runs into a room and closes the door. Well, you can choose three ways to deal with the situation. One, get angry, no, no, you don't know how much this store costs. Do you know how much this hurts me? Don't break the door three clap yes the yes has arrived the teenage hormonal explosion has the right yes and now it's only three four years until it's over and then you can't wrap your Hands around and say, "Come on, do it again." This was great. "Do it again". Nothing reduces the production of teenage hormones like doing things again on demand.

Give time to every child who comes to you and you could listen and save a child's life. It has been confirmed that Children who are dealing with the most horrible situations of their lives in their homes can be saved simply by someone listening and talking to them. I met these survivors and when I asked them what saved them, they expected the answer to be us, not the experts in the welfare system, they say the lady at the store my teacher my best friend's father our neighbors someone who saw me and he listened to me and they can survive on that so go and find these kids and your kids' friends in class in sports and so I want to end my talk by quoting one of the bravest girls of our time, Malala, she said talking about violence against girls, let this end with us and I want to use your words and say letters to all of you and use physical force on the children.

Let's stop blaming the kids, let's stop yelling at our kids and stop using too many negative rules, let's all of you start listening to our kids, let's all start talking to all the kids and let's all start watching our kids. children and let us help them be who they really are, they are an incredible and beautiful future for you.