Andi Dorfman On "It's Not Okay” | BUILD Series

really reluctant to write. I mean, it's emotional, it's very raw, it's like I said sometimes irrational, but when I wrote the book, when I decided to write it, I said,

okay

yeah. I'm going to do this. I'm just going to try. I'm going to do it 100%. I'm not going to do it like go back to my journal entries and delete moments and try to make myself look better or sugarcoat anything because I think transparency was very important to me, like readers really having that transparency and being able to relate to the story. and not being a reader who looks at the author and says wait, this girl has no idea what a breakup really is, that was important, so to me that meant that everything I wrote was for better or worse.

I mean, there were some pages where I was like I can't believe this happened and we didn't know because of course the tabloids and the gossip and all of that follow you long after the show and you constantly liked to Google yourself or check what people said or something like that. you know to stay away from the internet and the supermarket aisles and I learned very quickly to stay away from the internet. I learned very quickly not to Google in the first place, it's such a narcissistic thing to do if you think about it. but it's also like preparing for a punishment like no one is really nice on the internet anymore, so why are you preparing for that?

There was definitely that pressure and I always say the pressure I had on the success of the relationship. obviously it was a little high because, like you said, it's all over the internet tabloids, but it's really no different than anyone else's because let's say you're dating someone for 10 years and your family has spent 10 vacations with them. I would put pressure like when you break up with them or when it doesn't work out like your family is hurting and they're losing someone too and I think everyone feels a sense of pressure in every relationship regardless of whether you know if it's the length of time or you know, trying to prove the world wrong by getting engaged after eight weeks on rally television, whatever it is, there's that feeling of pressure and I think that kept me in the relationship probably longer than it should have and of course, you mentioned your other ex Nick, who didn't steal the show per se after the final rose, but that was a yeah, give the guy credit, a big reveal happened that you didn't know was going to happen, yeah, and somehow caused the spiral, can you go back to that time and reflect a few years now?

Read, obviously, the concert after the end, after the end of the rose, Nick decided to divulge intimate information and it clearly surprised me, but looking back it's like one of those things that's going to be crazy to say, but I'm glad that He did it and here's why, because he got us talking about slut-shaming and God is talking about sexism and I don't think there's much reality. Television shows have been able to do that. I don't think it was just an intention. I don't give him credit for that, don't get me wrong. Would I accidentally open this door and I talked to Kaitlyn Bristowe a lot about it? and it's one of those things where we now have this conversation not only about sex but also about shame and feminism and that women are powerful not only in everyday life but also on reality TV, it was like I had to be the punching bag. for that conversation to unfold and I'm going to take it every day because now you see how much, yeah, let's give a round of applause for that, you see how much the show has changed, yeah, especially with Kaitlyn Bristowe's season, while you were saying she left everything.

She didn't care what people thought of her because, like you say in your book, your women and their men, and what happens when men and women are in love, guys, and there's an influence of fantasy and people don't understand. Yes, there are no cameras. People also didn't understand that I had been dating these guys for almost two months and that I had met these families of guys, that I had been to their hometowns, that we had gone on dates, that they were professing their love for me as if we had moved on. to the stage of, in my opinion, you know the intimacy stage at that point like any woman in real life would have already been in that phase and it's funny because every guy on the show who is the protagonist you never hear about the fantasy suite .

It's kind of like we're giving women this platform to finally be able to choose between 25 men and it's powerful and it's giving us an advantage in a sense, but we take it away from them just as quickly when we shame them for doing it. the same things men do when it comes to intimacy, it's like going on dates right after the show. I'm sure if you had started dating after your breakup it would have been a big deal, compared to the guy, people don't care like anyone else. She cares if a stranger has a one-night stand, but God forbid, a 27-year-old woman finds her husband and dates someone for two months.

You know, it's interesting. I'm glad you brought it up, to be honest. I'm not afraid to talk about it, I think it should be an open dialogue, I'm glad it solidifies the fact that we as women can not only date for 25 minutes at a time, but we can also date. They, in the same way that men date women too, yes, I totally agree. I'm saying my feminist rant is coming to an end. Sorry Ben, now tell us your tips for getting over a breakup, sum it up, what did you learn from this particular breakup? You know, some of it was in the spotlight and some of it wasn't, yeah, so there's a complicated thing, oh my gosh, where do I start?

I mean, first of all, the number one tip is wine, don't even do it. You even try to deny that, like you just need some wine and treat yourself and whatever you want for a period of time you get a Hall Pass, but I think you actually like feeling the emotions that come with heartbreak and I know Which sounds ironic, but it just skips over those painful emotions. I don't think you'll ever experience that heartbreak and be able to recover from it like you almost have to be in the trenches to know what life is really like afterwards, but there's a lot of things. you know, lean on your family and friends um, that was one of the most important things in my life was my family and friends, their support like it's pathetic.

I didn't get out of bed for two weeks, you know, like it was. alone in all of this, I don't know what I would have done and that in turn has made me a better friend and a better family member. You know you always have those moments when your mom calls me hi mom at the worst time. and you say: I don't really want to talk to her right now, it's like the worst moment of my life, but I saw how much my mom was there for me every time I needed her and that makes me pick up that phone and be like you know what I need to be the same person in return, so with the new season of The Bachelorette, are you going to watch it?

Have you given Jojo any advice? I want to hear your maybe the first four. Oh my God, yes. I'll be watching it, so I've never seen the show before. Now I'm totally addicted. I'm in singles nation. I feel like yes, I see it. The first episode was crazy every year. It is surpassed like this year. It didn't disappoint, it's a circus, I mean, there are a lot more drunk guys than usual in this case, this is me, that was the theme, this for some of them stuck, and I'm like you were drunk the first night I met you met. fuck you if there's no one left even though there would be like six people left it's like we're going to do a sobriety test and as the ten drunkest get out of the pool you five are saved um but no, I loved watching My advice to Jojo is that you try to enjoy the experience and I know it sounds a little simple, but you get so wrapped up in the fact that there are cameras and you're dating 25 people and there are dates and levels and manipulation that you feel like coming, you know, cast members, you don't have idea and you get really wrapped up in what is an incredible experience.

I mean, I saw the world like I would never see it again. He did things and had nothing to do. pretending I have no talent, I don't deserve to like doing half the things I have to do, so just dive into it, move on real quick, and would you ever consider going back to the Bachelorette or the Bachelor or the Bachelor Pad? for them no, I wouldn't do it and not out of bitterness at all, it was actually a great experience, it's like opposites, I really don't want to bitter the experience I had and besides, I think two terms are enough.

I promised myself I wouldn't make a second one, so I'll swear not to make a third one before passing it on to the audience. What's going on right now in your love life and do you live in New York? You are having fun? Have you met someone special? I am having fun. I'm leaving in New York. It's great to be single. New York is amazing. I feel like I was on a record dating spree there for a while, so it's a long time coming. point like

okay

, I'm slow to get to the line, okay, let's open it up.

I know you have some questions. Hi, Andy, hi. I wanted to know if where in law school or tax aid did you feel helped your writing? the book or dealing with the people in the house um dealing with the people in the house definitely interrogation skills I mean, he was asking quick questions like he had no problem putting these guys in the hot seat um as far as writing the book, I mean, obviously. I wrote the book. When I had this idea for a book, I thought we'd get a ghostwriter and my agent was like, "No, you're a lawyer, you can write the book, um, and it's funny, I actually used to write legal stuff." writings and I had to go out that way and really feel what I was writing and just irrationally, um unconsciously, so it was like an altar effect, um, a step away from the legal and proper jargon. like from heart more, are you back in the legal world now?

By the way, no, not everyone asked you, will you come back? I say, yeah, I'm sure you know I have that law degree, it's waiting for me, but not right now. I'm doing the book and yeah, we'll see, hi Andy, hi, I'm a big fan. I read the book in three days. Brilliant. So when you're on The Bachelor and you go on dates, all the food stays there. and it looks amazing, has anyone ever eaten? Where is? What do you do with all that? Nobody is well, so we eat, we don't eat in front of the camera.

All asses first of all. I don't think it's nice to eat in front of the camera. I want to see you devouring food but the food is cold when you arrive on the day because everyone is always late and you know it would be like eating frozen chicken and it doesn't sound very appetizing, but it does to us. he eats a lot on the show, I swear, hi Andy, hi, happy national wine day, oh, it's national wine, it's just a friend thing, just kidding, it's like 10:00 a.m. m. anyway, so you moved to new york after the show, it was that part of the breakup. process like, well, a new beginning, yeah, that kind of thing, absolutely, people ask you, do you know why you moved to New York?

And I say a breakup and they say no, why I don't really want a breakup, really, um, but yeah, I decided I was just in Atlanta, my relationship had happened there and it was like all these memories and I felt really stuck, so I packed my bags and said to hell with it. I'm going to try something new. The best suggestion. could i ever get over a breakup pick up and drop off pick up and move somewhere and start over like you can always find a job somewhere you can always find friends you know you can make your life whatever you want um but a new beginning that's all for me we have time for one more Oh Andy hello you should be here too so I what were your roles what was your pet peeve of an everdene and being in this like it drove you crazy good question I feel like you're like get some advice here um okay you should listen this is a good advice from a girl who bothers a guy if you are going on a date first of all don't you dare be late you should always arrive 5-10 minutes early yes you're driving.

They used to say in the south don't you dare honk when you pull into the driveway and don't show up drunk to the date, that's a huge no no, you'd know how many guys like to get nervous and on the show like you're showing up to the date totally excited and I think to ask a girl out on the first date you just have to be creative, choose a restaurant that just like your favorite or has a good vibe, don't feel like you have to go to extremes, no you need a helicopter you don't need a palace trust me it clearly doesn't work but yeah just be creative and be yourself so Pepys.

It's a guy late, although I may be late so you know this, this doesn't take, you know, just five minutes, okay, one more, hello, when you guys showed up together literally three days before you broke up, did you? were they already broken? Did you see it coming? No, it was coming. It was incredibly awkward. I feel like you have to read the book. Yes, it's so good. I want one of the things you have to tell you, but I like this story. I'm so good at the book because you're in the premiere of this season, no, you have to read it, yeah,yeah, because a lot of people had questions about that, no, your question is very valid and I think people were like, wait, did they get scammed? us, they broke up this was really sudden, but you can correct me if I'm wrong.

I think if you read the book and especially that chapter, it makes a lot more sense and it's all the way to the end, so how can I do it? you have two happy readings, happy wine day because it's not Friday, well, thank you all for being here, thank you for being here and yes, thank you all and good luck with the book.