Adult with Autism | Dark Side of Autism | Late Autism Diagnosis

Okay, my name is Paul, I have

autism

and I make random videos based on my version of

autism

and the way my head works, let's grab the videos on the internet in case you feel like watching them and this is my

dark

side

. Series about autism that I have decided to do in which I get into parts of autism that are not always fun, happy, bright and friendly because people like me feel the

dark

side

of autism, the negative sides and one of the big problems of society is you. You're just not allowed to be negative, you know, look at the world, look at the state it says, look at the crazy things humans do to each other on a daily basis, but when you say it, oh, don't do that, that's negative, it's strange. but I want to try to understand what I consider the curse of a

late

diagnosis

of autism because obviously the internet is full of people with autism and you rightly know it, so I'm not criticizing anyone for doing what I do.

I'm doing it, for example, but there are a lot of people who have had it much easier than people like me and I'm not looking for sympathy or anything like that. You know, I'm just saying that you know people who have an earlier

diagnosis

can be a big help and it can also be a big obstacle, as can a

late

diagnosis, but I want to talk about late diagnosis because, you know, you get left behind, you are not as welcome in autism communities, which are not always so. what they also pretend to be, so it's a strange feeling knowing that there was a reason you felt like you were out of life, not feeling why you could never fit in with anyone, why there was never that connection, because that's what you know, you just miss, you just miss that connection with a lot of people or at least I, that's something I've had to deal with my whole life.

I've just never seen the interest in certain things that everyone else sees and interest in I don't find funny what everyone else finds funny and it's just a feeling of being out of sync and it was never good so when you get to what you know, it goes through the life and since I was around 34 years old and I came late Diagnosis that I know is not late for some people. Some people were diagnosed in the '70s. I understand that, but there's also a big difference between being diagnosed when you're five and being diagnosed when you're 34.

I didn't understand you. I know that even if I was diagnosed at five years old, there weren't any autism specialty schools like there are now, there wasn't the care, there wasn't the assistance, that kind of stuff just didn't exist when I was around, you know? in the 80s for example I would have liked it if at my school we had a group of people who were not neurotypical, if that's the word to use, there was a difference between some of them and instead of having teaching assistants you can have today. They just put them all at table five, which was the table for the different kids, you know, so it's still the same class, but they were kind of grouped together, you know, that was their way of dealing with it, it was like, look, You know there is.

There is nothing else, this is it. I don't know if that was indicative of the poor area he was from or if that was just the case, but I never understood it. I guess what I'm trying to say is when you get diagnosed. younger there are more things available now there are more things there were more things available 10 years ago you know there was the choice of things there was the consideration of things there is help now for autistic people to work there are support groups there are online classes and all kinds of things now, whereas there was none of that when I was a kid, but at the same time I also had to make my way through situations because I didn't know why I was different, you already know in At least I've experienced a lot of things that a lot of other autistic people won't experience because I didn't have a choice because there was nothing to say back then, you know, I'm just going to keep going around. in circles, I know I will, so I say there's a good side to being diagnosed later, it's not all doom and gloom, but there's still a curse in it and I'll get to the curse, you know, in the end, so you know the good reasons is that it gives you a personal acceptance like what I didn't understand is I didn't understand what a lot of other people seem to have where it was like this moment of euphoria where the light bulb goes on and they say it all makes sense.

I didn't understand that only one guy told me he was artistic. I left the place I'm walking by. You know and I remember thinking now, what do I do now? What is the difference? Don't know. I have to do it? I just couldn't understand what I was supposed to do with this, but at the same time I knew it was different, but I never knew why, I never did a second of research into why, while a lot of people will do a lot of research, I think it's autism, go to a specialist after a referral and get a diagnosis and that's where I think it makes a little bit of sense to them, but you know that can help you move forward at some point. people because they can always know that we are different and never have an answer as to why and now they have a great answer, now I can move on at least I understand why I feel different and that's great for those people, but you know there is also a Bad side, you know, like I said, you know, I've worked my way through situations in life that I would have loved to avoid.

I would have loved to never have been part of them. I loved having been part of them. a million miles away from that I stayed home, but instead, you know the trauma that a lot of people talk about within autism, you know, I've suffered trauma that could have been avoided, I could have, I could have taken better care of myself. and I didn't break down so easily or get burned. Not in the crises I could have had. I could have missed a lot of that if I had had an earlier diagnosis and it all takes its toll.

I believe it. I personally believe that there is a finite level of resilience within all of us, especially people with autism, especially me, you know I'm very resilient, but only so far and the only thing I've noticed through age and things that keep happening and you know, attacking myself by fighting against my wall of resistance is the wall weakens and things happen faster and it's not a pleasant feeling, you know, you know, until my diagnosis and even now you know because I didn't know what made me different and I've had the consequences of fights. the disagreements, the lost jobs, the missed opportunities, all those things that came with this is that I never found my place in the world, whereas today you will go on Instagram and they will be 19 years old and they will post things about autism and the things they want, they which I call privilege issues and I'm not going to try it or the technology on the microphone.

I say that because people say oh no, you're saying

adult

with autism, what should you do. What I'm really saying is that I'm an artistic

adult

because you should put identity before person, man. You know they punched me in the face. You know they kicked me. I lost my jobs. Do you know I was close? About the homeless, you know, I've had a hard time because I didn't know I had autism. I always knew there was a difference, I never knew why and other people could sense the difference and attacked me for it. I've had real problems, so don't do it.

Don't you care or worry because I put an adult with autism instead of an artistic adult? You know, that's something so far away that if I didn't have anything else to worry about, worry about it, you know, I use this analogy. time, but it's like people who focus on how you use cutlery. You know you should never turn your fork so that it is right side up. You should never put your elbows on the table if you have room to worry about things. If that's trivial, then you're clearly doing it right, you know? It's like people are still talking about how they want to rebuild a building and what color they're going to put on the walls while I'm still looking at this building in a raging inferno and I have to put out a fire, so it's like I'm seeing nature. deep and serious about things and people only look at very superficial things to, you know, polish when it's ready, they want to put the candles on a cake first.

The cake is already done and that is another reason why autism will never move forward in rectification because people keep diverting thinking resources to the few and not the many and that is also a problem, but it is probably another topic for another moment, you know, but one of the other curses of being diagnosed later is that now you're expected to move on and you know you've had autism for so long, so what's the problem now, you just know what you have and that brings problems because it imagines. You are acting every day of your life and you don't know why you are acting, you just know you have to do it, you know you have to be a certain way to maintain the status quo you don't want to upset someone you don't want to upset the balance of the atmosphere around you you want to make sure you don't attract attention but don't seem too distant you have to play this perpetual game this movement of existence where you play everything according to your design so when you actually get a diagnosis one of the first thoughts you have is that maybe I don't have to do that anymore.

It would be great if I could take my foot off the gas and be able to do it. Be a little happier, you know, I have insomnia and I think one of the reasons I have insomnia is because I need more hours in the day to think that there are actually hours to figure out how I am. It's going to be for every second of the next day and how I'm going to take into account even the most unforeseen circumstances, you know, it's like when people, what I mean by that, it's like when people go out and go to a restaurant. , you know, they come in, the person seats them, and then they have to choose the food, but when I walk into a place that I already like, one of the first things I do is want to go to the bathroom as soon as I get there. there and sometimes I don't even need the bathroom it's to explore the exits because what I don't want to do is go out the same way everyone else tries to go out if something goes wrong and that's how I have life.

I'm always one step above the mainstream, so when you get diagnosed later you want to be able to take your foot off the gas and not have to mentally prepare for every scenario. You want to be yourself a little more, but you understand. In some ways you don't have that luxury because acceptance from other people is very temporary because you know if your child was two years old and he was acting out and you couldn't understand why he wasn't functioning like you asked or why he wasn't talking or whatever. As far as you know, choose something that would upset a parent you know and then you receive your child with an autism diagnosis, many people breathe a sigh of relief and are So now at least we have a reason and then raise that child accordingly, but when you're an adult and you want to take your foot off the gas and you've been diagnosed, no one wants to give you that care. kind of like saying that acceptance is temporary, okay, you know you're artistic now, so why do you also have to change just because you're artistic?

Now you know what has changed and it's like it didn't. I'm not changing, I just want to be more me. I've been fake forever for your benefit and I just want to be me, but you have a problem with that because I've changed, I haven't changed, I just want to be me, why is that a problem and that's not nice because it's like I still You would have to be a different person to others to not draw attention to yourself and a late diagnosis doesn't give you the freedom to be yourself is not for me anyway, you know, people wonder why you change and that it makes people respond negatively and friends you know, like when I told some people who were better known, I haven't talked to some of these people since and I've known them for 20 years.

It's like why don't you talk to me now? Why is it a problem now just because I don't want to do certain things I used to force myself to do? You know, I know that my family and friends can avoid people in some cases. People don't want to hear the word artistic, but actually, especially when you're older, one of the advantages is that you can get rid of the people you don't want around you because they're negative. I understand it's harder when you're younger and under your roof and paying the bills. I know that would be a lot harder, but when you're older you also get the feeling that the whole autism agenda is driven by people younger than me and like me.

I said I'm not accepted in autism communities because I think differently and instead of being accepted because they should know how it feels, they know they think differently than the general population so they create a community and then I show up and leave , I also think. different, but I also think differently than you, can I still be a part of this and they yell at me, attack me, harass me, you know, kick me out, block me, which is strange because you would think that artistic people would understand how sorry to treat people like that, but I There is a digression, but because the agendas are driven by younger people, they have now very much disliked high functioning autism and created reasons why it is not good to say that and now the People refer to it at functional levels and need support, but no NoIt works for me, high functioning autism does and I have explained in a video before why that is.

People have told me why I'm wrong about that but remember my opinion versus yours, no one can win because it's just opinions like for example if you know the football teams what is your favorite football team ? different from mine, no one is right, they are just opinions, but we have to abide or align ourselves with what other people outside of me think and it doesn't work, so we have to diagnose ourselves late and tell ourselves that we have to identify ourselves with functions and labels that in They don't really fit because you know the labels of roles and needing support are very good for younger people, not for people who have already tried life and hit brick walls, they are there and everywhere, um, and I think another thing is great, someone pointed out to me how far we are from giving adult autism a shred of credibility.

They attended a course, um, which was like a way for late diagnosed artistic people to find their way a little bit and maybe. communicate, have a little bit of distance communication with people, so I guess having a WhatsApp group, you know where, or a kick group or whatever, where you would just have a place to vent, ask a question, see how people feel um and when they walked in this person in the room said look there's an app for your phone and it's a great app it's good for autism it's great for communities and you know people were happy with it. that, except for older people because they still had you know, if they had a mobile phone, it was just a simple mobile phone that was not a smartphone and if they had a smartphone, they needed help installing apps and knowing how they work, so even for trying to help adults with autism who I have been diagnosed with later, they are thinking about the current technology instead of the person who may not use it because they are different and why would they want to know that you are asocial like me?

Why would you need to stay up to date on how to do it? communicate with people effectively so they know that's a hassle too, right? And one of the things I really don't like is a little bit like what I was talking about with acceptance and even the government doesn't accept his late diagnosis one bit. of credibility, that would be good because what they do is say things like I have to apply for pip, the personal independence payment, which you know I should do, because my eating habits are driven by my autism, my problems with food they are driven by my autism. so I have a more expensive cost of living because of the way I eat, so I should be able to get a little supplement to balance out my cost of living which is driven by autism.

I would love a weighted blanket, but about 200 pounds for one for the size of my bed. I don't have £200 to waste on a piece of fabric, but if I had help I'd save it up to buy it. You know, I wouldn't just get a little extra money to put away and go on vacation or something like that and it would all be used for that reason a blue handicapped parking license plate. I've thought about it a lot, you know, I've always thought about it in my head, you know, in a very primitive way. It looks like a disability badge, that base is at the front of the store so they should be for people with mobility issues, but one of the things I've noticed is that I do very often with some of this type of work.

What I do do is I have to travel a lot, obviously, that's in a car for me, sometimes I go flying, you know, I don't care. Traveling around the country is much easier to do than going abroad and I still need a taller car in the end, you know, and it's parking. I have a big problem with parking. I really hate parking and it's just not the parking that's the problem, it's knowing where to park and what I found is a lot of spots in one area. I used to work it was zone parking or disc parking and you needed something on your board to explain or show why you were allowed to park there and I don't have them because I'm not from those areas so I would and I have .

I'm so afraid of being late, you know, I can't be the one to let people down and, you know, I've even considered going to the doctor because of the stress, anxiety and worry it causes if I can. I can't find a place to park where you know I wouldn't use a disability card to park in front of a store because I would still give it to people who need it much more than me, but I have a fear, I have anxiety, stress, which is all which I assume is related to my autism, why I can't be late and why I have to at least acknowledge to people that I'm here, I'm here, I'm only going to be another 10 minutes, you know, because I had to.

Now I have to find a place to park and I'm not from the area and that information is not available, but what you find is the late diagnosis, it's more yours. get a vibe that's really cool look you're over it so far why can't you move on you know why now you need help it's like no, absolute clown how can you not understand this? I haven't been floating through life normally laughing and joking in carefree environments around me and now I have autism so now I want these considerations. I have worked ten times harder every second of every day just to get home again and be able to keep my I get out of the water just so I don't fall apart and crack.

I installed systems everywhere just to do everyday life. Now all I'm saying is that I just need a little help that might lighten my load and this late diagnosis should help. No, they don't listen because it's a case of "well, you've done it forever, why can't you keep doing it?", so you feel like you're becoming a burden in a way that makes you feel like you're a bird. and it makes you feel like you can feel what you know when you go to your employers and ask them for reasonable accommodations now and you've never done it before, you can feel them thinking that you're trying it on and why you need it. now get over it stop trying stop kissing you're worse than you are you have no idea what I'm doing you know the mask you wear is a burden as you get older you know it's horrible because people just expect you to wear it because it's more convenient to them, what about you, what about the person with autism, what about the person who has had to deal with it forever and just wants a bare minimum, just a little nickname for something they're not asking for, you know.

The tables? turn around and make everyone bow and bend to your needs it's just that I have it except it's a difference and accept that if I'm a little more direct now if I choose not to laugh at your joke if I don't want to Come have a beer later from work if I don't want to go to Christmas. Do you know if I don't want to shake your hand? Because I've always had trouble touching people. Do you know if I'm going now? Oh, sorry, buddy. I don't do that, but it's nice to meet you. You know, if I say that, that's fine, but people, it's more convenient for others if you keep your mask on and open it.

It's more convenient for others if you just pretend that you never received that diagnosis in the first place and that you didn't have autism, it's more convenient for them and not you and you're the one who suffers for it and it's not fair, you know the real world, the It's actually a good attitude to pretend you're interested in autism. It's a good attitude to pretend that as a company you really invest in your employees and you really want to make sure that people like me are well regarded, well thought out, and are actually given a platform. where we feel comfortable to talk openly but the private person is very different you know in private you know it doesn't sell that's why tv shows about people like me like you probably if you're watching you know if you're in my if if you're in my field of autism , if you're on my end of the spectrum, we don't sell good television because we don't have a quirk that's strong enough for people to latch onto. a great story to tell it's negative it's difficult it's upbeat you know it's so strong on what went wrong what could have been better that's why many people are stuck in depression with autism because they've had enough of resilience is finite and They've used theirs, we don't sell, you know, it's just not fair because the focus on young people is great, but young people get older too and late diagnosis of us is difficult, you know?

And if you think about it, you know the people. Out there with a late diagnosis I have always tried to fit into social norms like I did, but the difference is that I knew I couldn't have children because it would have been too much for me in terms of how I need to live and I stuck to my guns. with that, there are people with autism who now you know, have families that are married or have had children and are divorced and then they get a diagnosis of autism, it's done, right? They pursued professional careers because it was expected to be forced on families and could be something they absolutely loathe to do with every fiber of their being.

They did it because it was easier than dealing with people attacking them all the time, but now they're older. and they don't have to hear that they still have a job that they absolutely despise some people have financial burdens around their necks that they wish they never had, like a mortgage for example, now they have to pay the mortgage. until the last day on earth and uh, it wasn't something that maybe they would have done if they hadn't been diagnosed much later in life, when I think about the number of bridges that I've burned, the number of situations that I've been in that I have ruined the consequences the fights the missed opportunities due to autism are not good either you know the situations that I could have avoided but not the things that I found myself in that I knew were harmful but I did them anyway because it was for acceptance, It wasn't that, you know, when you see people in gangs and they just because they're a group of insecure people they want to appear cooler to the people around them, it wasn't like that for me because I just didn't want to stand out, so I did things just to cover expenses, you know, to cover expenses all the time and, again, a late diagnosis, the only thing that's there for a lot of people is that I've told you before but I shake I have these tremors essential tremors like my hands and you know that I'm a loner to the point where nothing is a good idea leaving the house nothing at all you know I have insomnia kind of rotten and I'm going through it right now and it's horrible because I'm awake thinking about nothing but negativity and I've been in relationships and some people say oh at least you've had relationships and but they've been toxic, they've been bad, some have been, you know, okay, I'm not going to criticize every person I've had a relationship with, but some of them They have been absolutely volatile and horrible, with each other and me. them because I thought that's what you do you just get into relationships because that's what's expected of you you know some also see you as a liar a user you're deceitful you're manipulative you're sneaky you're fake, but all those things Reasons you do it is because you're just trying to fit in, you're just trying to break even, but you can't afford to be yourself, so you have to be those things or that.

It's going to bother the people you're trying to be fake for so they don't feel bad and the problem with all that stuff is that it's a curse because there's no turning back, the damage has already been done, you know, like I say, relationships. failed. You can't fix people who are married and divorced and are paying a fortune in child support and can't even see the kids and are in a one bedroom apartment with a job. haters there is no going back there is a real curse for being diagnosed late with autism and I just wanted to talk about it to highlight it because companies don't want it but anyway I hope it made sense and you I know why I have done it to the Next thanks for watching and keep smiling.