A Tribute to Tim Conway - His Funniest Clips

(upbeat music) - Well, it's been a few years, John Smith, since your head was cut off. How did it go? - Very good, Dan. Very good here on the reservation, you know? In fact, now the Indians even have a little name for me. - Oh really? - Yes, they call me a running chicken. (laughs) - And Pocahontas? - Yes. (laughs) - I think I'm going to get some sleep. (laughs) - Ooh, ah - On second thought, maybe I'll have a drink. (laughs) I need oxygen. I need oxygen. Hey, mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. it's the only way. (laughs) - Where are you from? (laughs) Where are you from? - Bluefield, West Virginia, sir. - Is this how you farm, boy? - Yes sir, I am wheat and soy and some tomatoes. - I don't mind. (laughs) - You always respect your weapons, soldier! - Oh sergeant! - Help him. - Yes, I got it. - Help us. - Come on, let's go clown.

I'll back it up! - Put another coin in it! - Wait a minute. -If Jacque could talk, he would give you a clue. But now that he's dead, what can you do? He deserved what he got. I don't regret it one bit. By the way, you are standing in bull poop. - That? - Good. - I will clean them and you will keep them covered. - Chuck, damn it, wait a minute. (he comes out scraping the ground) - The führer is very angry. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't take a personal interest in this case. (laughs) - (Puppet) Are you going to give us the information? - That? - What do you mean?

Are you going to give us the information? - I am not going to tell you anything. I don't have to tell you anything at all. - What did he say? -(Puppet) He said that he is not going to tell us anything. (laughs) - You try to get that information out of him quickly. - (Puppet) Hey, give us the information. - No! -What did he say? -(Puppet) He Still said no. - Okay, this is going to be a little difficult. (laughs) - He's going to hit with that stick. (laughs) - (Puppet) How many do you need? (Cluck) (laughs) - What did he say? (laughs) Maybe if you make him feel at home.

You sing him a song. - (Puppet) Okay, come on. ♪ I've been working on the railroad ♪ ♪ All day ♪ ♪ I've been working on the railroad ♪ ♪ To pass the time. ♪ ♪ Can you hear the whistle? ♪ ♪ Get up so early in the morning ♪ ♪ Here the captain shouts ♪ ♪ Dinah honk your horn ♪ ♪ Dinah you won't honk ♪ ♪ Dinah you won't honk your horn ♪ ♪ Dinah You won't honk, Dinah, you won't honk ♪ ♪ Dinah, you won't honk ♪ ♪ Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah ♪ (laughs) ♪ Someone's in the kitchen, I know ♪ - Mark that thing, silly. - Oh, don't worry, Captain. I have the insurance on. (bullets whistling) Now he's on. - Do you know something?

From the back you look like a Dolly Parton from the front. I bought this when she was in Australia. (laughs) That's a real koala. (laughs) Alabama battlefield, evacuate all civilians. Wow, I love that kind of conversation. (laughs) This horse will never run again. I do not care what you say. (laughs) - (Johnny Carson) You just had to do it. - Oh, yeah - (Johnny Carson) That's right. You have to score when you can. - Oh, how bad? You are not my owner. - Oh. (laughs) I guess our contract means nothing to you. (laughs) (laughs) Waiter, could you bring me my drink, please?

And hold all calls. So our contract means nothing to you, huh? (laughs) It's hot here, isn't it? - If you think all those things you just said about me are true, I have (laughs) Take me home. (trumpet music) - Did you get that message? It would be better to send it to the yard. Let them know we are here. (broken glass) (flapping wings) - Do you want to write another message? - No. - Oh (laughs) Oh, wait a minute. (laughs) You're not supposed to throw anything on the field and you're throwing things at me. What if that hit me in the face? (laughs) Like that.

Check it out. He threw his weiner at me. - What happens now? - Oh, this girdle is killing me. - Captain, you didn't say you had to wear a girdle. - Well, I didn't want you to do it (laughs). - You didn't want me to do what? - I didn't want you to be ashamed of me. Of course, we always top it off with a little sauce, as you already know. So, it'll be nice to be out there. This will also be nice when you gather around the campfire with your friends. And just throw one back.

Wow! He must have fainted on the way to get water. (laughs) He still has her tits. (laughs) (laughs) (laughs) My life may be in danger. (boing) Don't do that! - I'll chain them both. - Hello, I am a leper. (laughs) I'll dry my hands and be with you. Get that coat for yourself. (laughs) Well, they're completely dry now. (laughs) Ahoo! - Do you want to stop doing nonsense? (laughs) Come on. (laughs) - This also entitles you to a watch that you can take with you and wear while we fix yours. (laughs) We have all kinds. Little ones, do you want a little one?

I have one that is shaped like an owl. - In the form of an owl? - He doesn't have hands. This is the time. And these are the minutes. Do you want to see a quarter to three? (Laughter) I'm not very good at thanking people, but this afternoon I received a telegram that I would like to pass on to you. It means a lot to me. Dear Tim, We know this is your day, but we hope you take a few minutes to think about us. Our thoughts are with you always. Love, the Tarzaxa Pitch and Putt gang. (laughs) Hello, fun for the whole family.

Now featuring the new Mark Twain hole. Complete with paddle wheel and recorded music from the Old South. Take a break on the 19th hole. And try one of Andy's US Open chili dogs. (whistles) (laughs) I really love fruit and fiber. - No, that's fruit and fiber. - No, no fruit and fiber with exotic tropical fruits. Look, it says F-I-B-R-E, fiber. - But it is still pronounced fiber. - No, no, no mon ami, not with all due respect, with romantic tropical fruits. We have sweet pineapple, cous, sweet coconut, banana and fiber-rich flakes. (laughs) You're a happy guy. - I imagine, I suppose that at your height, you actually see a different game than the other players. - Johnny, at my height, I not only see a different game, but I smell a different game. (laughter) - (Tim) (sound of an elephant blowing) (laughter) I saw these Siamese elephants (laughter) They were joined at the end of their trunks, like this.

And this trainer had them stand on their back feet like that and they stretched their trunk like that. Then this little monkey would come out. (laughs) Go out and dance the merengue right in the middle. I kind of felt sorry for them. They couldn't go like the other elephants when they go (elephant blowing). (laughs) All they could do was just blow and fnork. (laughs) One was sneezing, the other's eyes were getting really big. - Keep going mom. - Are you sure that little ass (bleep) is over? (laughs) (hitting metal) (laughs) (drilling) - Zombo is the male and zombie is the female.

So, hello zombie, hello zombie. The children are called zumbibis. No matter how many there are, if there are four they are zombiebibibi. - I'm glad to get rid of this car. (laughs) (laughs) (laughs) - Fire! (laughs) (laughs) - Go Tompkins! Where is that map? - Well sir, I got it tattooed on my belly. - Did you take a secret map and tattoo it on your stomach? - Yes sir. - What would you do if the Germans captured you? (laughs) 26 million men in the war and I have to finish you. Alright, let's look at that map. - Correct, sir. - Very well, I think (laughs) We will look at this secret, Vincent. (laughs) Vincent, I'm going to tell you a little secret, Vincent.

I've been (howling) (laughter) - Mrs. Wiggins, I wonder if - Hello - Mrs. Wiggins, I wonder if you - Hello, hello - I was only allowed to eat the vegetables. My wife forces me to follow a diet where I am only allowed to eat fiber. And so, it's the lettuce and the shredded wheat and the bran and the hay and the straw and everything. I've eaten so much fiber that I'm starting to move towards whiter furniture. (laughs) So, just small chairs, you know, no big deal. (laughs) I would like to thank my children who are doing so well now that my wife and I have removed the ATM window from the front of our house. (laughs) It's been a great year for us.

It really has. Okay, novacaine, take novacaine. She holds the hypodermic needle firmly. (laughs) There will be a little pain and then the numbness will appear. (laughs) Well, I guess we'll get right to the point. (laughs) I'll give you a little chance here. (laughs) We will be with you. For those of you who have followed me on television, movies, and police reports, you have a pretty good idea of ​​the direction my life has taken and know that you can just sit back and relax and probably not learn anything from all of this. this but at least I have your attention.