A Crap Guide to D&D [5th Edition] - Dungeon Master

so you have a character sheet written and a couple of friends who want to play d d but you are missing a vital component: the world, the characters, the laws of physics, they will all break to create cool moments, you will commission artists. on the internet to draw for you, but that role requires leadership initiative, a complete willingness to have a bunch of kids trample all your ideas in favor of making funny memes and stupid scenarios, regardless, that title has a barrier to entry extremely low and is probably the most important thing on your entire RPG table and without one the game will not exist, so everyone must perform the duty at least once for the sake of their fellow players who beg for the opportunity to experience this wonderful hobby for so long. since I don't have to be the one to do it, how excellent, welcome to the

dungeon

s and dragons craft

guide

, the

dungeon

master

or the game

master

, if you like clay in the soup, it's the mind behind the magic and who decides almost everything that happens.

In the game, in addition to the player's own choices, your role as the DM is to control and describe literally every little detail that happens during the game, since you are the game, the game cannot exist without a Dungeon Master as DM in the game. that you make the decisions. how the rules work or if you don't like the rules and you say, throw that shit out and make your own, otherwise how else are you supposed to know if your rules lawyer is giving you correct information and not Are you just making an elaborate explanation? Manipulative plot to trick you into giving them a displacer beast as a pet.

Luckily for you, if you're not sure or don't remember how a certain rule works, you can always look it up because being a good DM is about applying information, not memorizing it. Unlike the American education system, which is outside the rules, although you are the bridge between the players and the fantasy world they play in, describing everything that happens in excruciating detail, like a radio show, but with much more uncomfortable pauses, everything that they marry or kill. It's through the context of how you describe it, which means you have to be incredibly deliberate with your vocabulary and respect the Oxford comma or else you could make an incorrect translation of what's going on in your brain for the players, who might then think you are an innocent bystander.

The NPC is actually a murderer because you accidentally stuttered when you expressed to them that they were just doing their tasks. There are quite a few ways information can be conveyed to players and it all comes down to the DM's preferred presentation style. Many pop culture representations. The nerd ritual often features lavishly carved and treated mahogany tabletop players dressed in professional cosplay on par with two-thousand Hollywood costumes. Atmospheric ambient lighting that will make a hardcore dom blush. Background music and an atmosphere that is like a spa day for your ear canals and details. miniature maps and set pieces painted by angels using brushes made from the nose hairs of the gods.

Now you need all these expensive and superfluous amounts of presentation and stimulation to give your players a worthwhile Dungeons and Dragons experience, of course you do? If you put it over your wallet, you might lose a few extra pounds, but even with the most sophisticated theatrics, every dungeon master has to rely on the ever-prevailing theater of the mind, where everyone has to use their imagination to visualize what that is happening in your big fantasy world. so a dnd game doesn't have to cost hundreds of dollars and can be anything from a massive theatrical event to a gathering with the brothers with cardboard cutout miniatures and even sitting in a restaurant with napkins for character sheets and salt and pepper shakers. or the evil queen of spices and her angry white steed, no matter what you will always have to rely on the most useful creation of all humanity that can raise armies and tear down nations.

Words Never underestimate the power of a good thesaurus because inevitably there will be a situation where all your fancy accessories will not be enough and you will have to learn to use the Old English vernacular as a DM. Most of your responsibility comes down to allowing and how players interact with your big fantasy world. that can be summed up in a simple action roll dice when a player wants to do something, anything, the DM is the one who decides if the player rolls the dice, what dice he rolls and the result of the dice roll, then almost everything else is an extension of that one responsibility, so no one wants to do it because one responsibility is too much an extension of that the dm is the encyclopedia of the game dnd if there is history in the world, it's the dm's job to know when the players are fighting the bad guys, it's the DM's job to keep track of the enemy's abilities, hit points, and sexual orientation in case a player is never known to resurrect their long-dead uncle, it's the DM's job to have read their backstory to find out that said guy was a drunk. horseshoe crab-eating rocketeer and when players mention that the plot and characters are eerily similar to lord of the rings, it's the DM's job to kick their asses, the scariest part of being a dungeon master, however, is the improvisation, since you can't anticipate every possible possibility that the players can make possible, you have to think on the fly and figure out how those possible things could be possible if the player character tries to spy on someone, you have to think about what they will hear if someone eats too many. beans and farts, you have to think about what it smells like and if the group decides to flee in another direction instead of the main plot, you have to think about what they will encounter, like another city or a dangerous witch or even the main plot because you moved it there since the giant, shiny breadcrumbs in the form of progressing the story this way weren't obvious enough.

If you think you can prepare pre-written answers for every possible question the players can think of, I'll have to stop. You're there because no, you can't, someone at some point is going to do something that will turn your bad pantsless dreams into reality and you have to decide at that moment whether you're going to get a new pair or just move on while the players watch your metaphorical trash sway with the breeze, so with that whole pile of easy-to-digest and unintimidating expectations that doesn't even scratch the surface of what it takes to be a dungeon master, get out of the way.

The question now is how do you start being a dungeon master? of dungeons? Just do it no matter what you want. A copy of the player's handbook, as it has the most common rules when it comes to actual content, although it is the most baby-friendly. The best way is to buy a pre-written adventure, one of these critters, which will usually have a plot: characters will meet villains and lots of jokes about the material for your players. However, if that's too much punishment for your wallet, the natural safe word is to campaign. The good thing about safewords, however, is that it often stops things dead in their tracks, so you'll need to come up with most of the aforementioned plot characters, villain encounters, and teasing material yourself, which can lead from compulsive writing night to never writing because Just think about your ideas and never write them in any direction you choose.

Once you have your campaign skeleton ready, you need to start filling it with internal organs and, as anyone who has studied biology can tell you, organs are gross and messy and can often get lost, so you just have to replace a kidney for a moldy sponge for a while while you search for it, until suddenly your blood cells start making friends with a sponge and it becomes more effective than a real kidney and you start to question yourself. everything you learned in school, so good luck figuring out how to balance the time you spend preparing to run a campaign and the time you spend running a campaign.

Do you spend entire weeks drawing maps, writing down possible paths and dialogue options for characters down to describing your cousin's boyfriend's dog's favorite chew toy or do you just spend the week doing some silly stuff on your own and then spend the last half pre-session hour frantically typing snippets of a dnd random content generator, but hey, once you get a The rest of the game should be second nature, just do it step by step and you can relax especially every time the players start roleplaying and act on their own because then you can just sit back and relax and let them have fun and you can't.

I don't even have to dialogue with any NPCs or throw decoys at them or God, the rogue tried to steal the paladin's rosary. Yes, the underbelly of the dirty whale of being a dungeon master is dealing with the barnacle infestation that is being the de facto babysitter of the group and then having to pull out the s

crap

er of social obligation in some situations more than in others. The DM is expected to have a significant amount of say in the organization of the gaming group, since you have a more important leadership role in making the game exist than the players, you are the ones the players will look to when arguing over who to join. remains with the loot.

You're expected to have more of a say in when the next session is, and you're expected to kick out the guy who overrides your descriptions. from a flower garden with a pleasant smell and an unpleasant smell to your training, this means that you cannot take a passive role as DM, you have control over the fan and if you see it fly towards it, you are expected to turn off the fan sooner. the place is really starting to smell like a medieval castle street, all that being said, I still couldn't cover the big climb up the mountain that explains what it takes to be a dungeon master, not to mention what it takes to be a good dungeon master and I would seduce enough tall people to make Kanchanjunga horny, but I think the best possible way to show you what it takes to be a dungeon master would be a demonstration of those underwear-wetting skills that I possess, for good luck to your thirsty butts. organize a dnd session with a group of nerds and prove that I will be fine, unexpected, you walk into a tavern, a crowd has gathered and everyone seems to be having a good time, I will accept a mysterious hooded figure in the center of the room that no one Except you all seem to realize what are you doing?

I want to smash the ball bouncer I want to smash the bar bouncer no one wants to have a chat with the hooded figure who knows he might relate to one of his backstories oh yeah that reminds me damn Could you check out these notes I have on my backstory? It's only a few pages long but I want to make sure I keep the authenticity of my homeland at the center of my character's development. What the hell is this a novel I'm not reading? all this, oh yeah, speaking of which, I wanted to talk to you about this new homebrew I created for one of my background characters.

I ran it by a couple of friends and they seem to think it's pretty balanced, so there's no need to worry about reviewing it. it's too much oh no no no no no no I don't know what you're trying to do you're scruffy hey dm is there any goliath in the tavern uh there's no particular reason just wanted to know mate yeah there's one I've been looking for a surf buddy for a while we're at the beach right, I wasn't really paying attention could you guys set the scene again? uh whatever, I'll get back to you later, Don Wright, have you made a decision on that ambush?

However, that guy you've been targeting for the last three sessions is there enjoying his midget drink. Oh boy, I'm surely enjoying my midget drink. Look every time we make a single decision, like going from left to right, it goes wrong, we have to do it. I have a 100% perfect plan. Oh, maybe we can go talk to him, but if things go wrong, I can use my gun. When did the blind dragonborn get a weapon? I don't remember giving him a gun. Did you always have a gun? Just one. Boy, why don't I sneak up on him and poison his drink?

I have plus 10 for stealth plus advantage with my invisibility cloak and I add another ten if Franz uses his leave no trace pass, no one will ever see me, how can we? Avoid this entire encounter or I can use this weapon How many times must you terrorize my sweet butts, you upright marsupial? I'll give you six minutes and 44 seconds if you don't agree on a plan. I'm feeding your minis. The stupid group of Wigglers, you also follow them into the tavern and see the mysteriously hooded figure who is now staring at you and projecting a menacing face, they gesture towards five empty seats and tell you that you should go, who's the most expensive guy? here what me?

I will know that there is a noble in the corner of the room, but he is busy talking tosomeone else right now, so maybe you should. I'm probably already there. I intimidated him into challenging me to an arm wrestling match for all his gold and her belongings. Hey, absurd. You could use charm a person, I mean, that would cause a charm status that would give you an advantage on any social network. I asked her to give us all her money. Absurd, ireldin 11. Well, actually, that's more of a helping action that I actually did. I didn't even ask you to shoot yet, but it still didn't seem like an eleven, it's good, we're friends, now everyone likes the absurd.

I bullied him into challenging me to an arm wrestling match for all of her golden belongings. Okay, you start fighting him for some. of his targets oh I already stole everything and I might as well be cursed because you already know the backstory stuff of course Meanwhile the hooded figure in the middle of the room that everyone decided to completely ignore transforms into a huge titan imposing and the roof of the tavern is destroyed revealing evil maximus the demon lord of darkness maximus now my latin is a little rusty but that name seems a bit obvious to me like I'm actually ripping the title of pontifex maximus from the Pope, so perhaps we should be on our guard against some vile bishops and cowardly cardinals.

No, he hasn't shut up, he looks at them all and with a snap of his fingers everyone's magic items disappear. this is outrageous this is unfair i demand to perform an opponent's skill check ooh this is the classic weaken your opponent before the confrontation strategy used by really ego manic bad guys he wants to prove that we are too dependent on our magic items like a sort of condescending attack on our self-esteem clock next he'll say your puny trinkets won't save you now your puny trinkets won't save you now he says holding all your luton and glowing orb in his hands ooh textbook orb strategy stop doing comparable analysis the most evil then casts the whole person on all the tavern patrons everyone needs to roll on a spell counter spell counter hey, did you see this new ad for a dictionary on the table?

What is counterattack called? How many counterattacks? even you have them all no way you really don't have that many of course yes let me see your character sheet no let me see it no let me see you dabby no no as beast master warlock fighter multiclass sorcerer i I would like to use my beast movement to carry me towards the enemy and then have it attack the enemy and then use my familiar's action to use the help action on myself cast a supernatural blast as a haste spell use the search action to put a light on my beast's nose and I attacked with my hasty action um oh sweet, my shield guardian spell activates because he targeted me with a spell, so it will be a faithful hound hot on the heels of evil now that it's my turn, my sweet, sweet pup is definitely going to eat and then I'll have the guardian run up and slap him and then I'll use my 9th level spell slot to cast wait, wait, wait, 32 huge constrictor snakes, you're keeping track of all these initiatives, right?

Don't forget I also have two horses a mastiff and six chickens uh oh actually I still have my move I can dodge as a free action the dog's name is cheese puff by the way joel can I play this um um well you two work that out I'm going to try to scam as many people as possible out of their coins oh wait there you oversized crow you said you were legally good oh no no no i said i was a half elf city guard turned hospice nurse and non-lethal knight errant, but you know. I can understand the confusion plus I don't believe in alignment anyway I'm trying to get my con thanks ladies and gentlemen could you lend me your ears?

I have here in my hand one of the best beers ever, okay? I stand up on a chair, everyone looks at me, I smile charmingly and everyone starts cheering as I pull out a 12-quarter ukulele. Excuse me who's the DM here. Oh, you, of course, but in this scenario I will have to use persuasion or acting and if I am able to see check 15, I will charm everyone around me into following my every command. Doing this will allow my character to start his own company and generate profits by selling a very specific product. No, don't worry.

Everyone, just think of all the friends we have. I have aided in our journey and the bonds between our hearts that will help us defeat the evil Maximus in the name of the hall. I'll punish you, believe I can, I'll stab her and take all her things later. Hey, not that it really happened, but hypothetically it did. I lost a set of dies, you let me borrow them, would you have another one? uh, I swear, oh, I have the perfect theme song for this exact situation, just wait a second, I'll find it. Good idea, my furbolg takes out his ukulele. and starts singing to the villain, hey, you with the villain's smile, why don't you come and stay and get to know me for a while, we are two sides of the coin.

Well, I don't have a tail, I could give it my all, right? I think that's enough for now. I said that's enough. I feel like we haven't really understood what's at stake emotionally. I mean, who is meaner to us? You know he is the demon lord of darkness, he murders people and he is horrible and terrible. evil or it's maybe a metaphor, a construct that represents the lasting pain that persisted after the age of reason or maybe we're all evil, it's a reflection of our own inner drug, shut up, you know, we probably can't even take the bad according to the strategy.

guide

, he commands four krakens made like pure gold which, by the way, are actually lawfully neutral, so technically they're not even evil and only serve one evil lord, which is interesting because, hey, stop reading the setup campaign official, how are you funding the setup? everyone completely surrounded and start talking foolish mortals, I've lived for a thousand lives and once I'm done with you I'll be unfit for the darkness, I've tamed him, he's got him now guys, I cast polymorph in the middle of his speech, yeah, yeah, turn him into a T-Rex, no, wait, I'm going to grab records, shut up, everyone, shut up, no, you can't talk to the bar manager, they ignore you, I didn't read your backstory, your home brew gets rejected.

There are no goliaths and pay attention next time I describe the damn scene. No, I'm not going to describe it to you again. You took too long for your ambush to fail and you fell to the tavern floor. Also, your target flees. I never asked any of you to roll so all your dice are wasted. They don't get that gold. Your intimidation fails and you are no longer a Dongly Bongly Rules Lawyer. Once you too stop comparing my totally original campaign to the popular and historical media I will have the light gray walkers make you sick, don't counter the spell, your blade is revoked and no, you can't do anything about whatever it was you were trying to do. to do, min max moldy and munchkins, no one listens to you and the The guards show up to arrest you for disturbing the peace Hey, it's okay Joe, shit, there's no need to get so hostile if you just take a moment to talk to the players, I'm sure we all can, no one cares about Matt Mercer, oh man, no, no, and no to all your plans and evil maximus doesn't get interrupted by your spell, he counts, there's a giant mountain on top of the world, rocks fall, everyone dies and that's the end of the session because no one wanted to talk to the obviously mysterious hooded man. figure in the middle of the room mysteriously fine, whatever you leave, I don't need you, I can find other players who would be happy to play the game, I plan meticulously for them, go ahead and cry about it online, you, chewing dice , goblin breath, weirdos, this. it's what you get for ruining the scene it's all your fault you know you're welcome satisfied what the hell else am I supposed to do if they don't want to play the game I've prepared for them then they don't Maybe it's worth playing, but do you ever think about the game they want to play?

You know the players are as much a part of how the session goes as you are a part of how anything can happen, but I planned for it. All this for them, I even got all the books and everything, it was going to be a radical story with awesome NPCs and an epic conclusion, but they're not doing what I need them to do, that's true and maybe they never will, but that might . be okay, keep in mind where you want the game to go, but not everything has to be by the books, everyone plays their own version of d d and as a dm you have to be able to adapt to that saying no to everything you don't do.

What I don't want them to do won't give them an amazing experience with endless possibilities, it will just make them feel like the game is better without them, but what if I let them do whatever they want and things go wrong and it gets boring? either I'm off balance or I'm forgetting something important or the game is going wrong in some way and the players don't like the session anyway, so you go back to it and do it better next time. This situation here could be a good start, yeah right, and what am I supposed to do? talk to the players, you can certainly try it guys, wait, sorry, I was worried that if you didn't play the way I wanted, the game wouldn't be as cool or fun as I thought it could be. too restrictive for your agency and it shouldn't have stopped you from at least trying to do the things you wanted and I should have talked to you and maybe come to some kind of compromise about some of the things I was really stubborn about being the dungeon. master is very scary, there are so many things I have to keep up with making things up as I go it can be very difficult and I want to run the best game I can for everyone and I'm terrified of messing things up so sometimes it can get a bit bland, immature , anatomically confusing, aggressive, but I'm willing to try again if so.

So how about you like to play some d and d so grumpy that you said you wanted to interrupt eviless maximus uh yeah I wanted to throw. polymorph on him in the middle of his speech, okay, what's your spell? Save DC um 15. Against all odds, you successfully polymorph the evil one, he transforms into a gentle little sheep and falls to the floor of the tavern. Seeing this happen, several of the tavern's patrons throw away their Hoods to reveal that they are part of the Eviles cult. Everyone shoots on initiative.