7 Subtle Signs You're Too Controlling

This is going to be very difficult to listen to, but if you trust me at the end of this talk, you will develop some important ideas that will help you break a habit that you have probably been developing without realizing it. or realizing it, but not really knowing what to do about it, are you ready for it? If you struggle with anxiety then you probably also struggle with being quite

controlling

and the reason for this is that we often think that the way to control our anxiety is to control things outside of ourselves as much as possible, that includes people outside of us and our environment outside of us, because we think the antidote to anxiety, which is this feeling of being out of control, we think the antidote to that is to be more in control now, this could blow your mind just by a second, but control itself is just a big illusion, so relying on total control to feel good, feel calmer, more comfortable and secure is an endless loss. battle because complete control is never possible and as soon as we have a sense of control in an area, we don't achieve it, we don't manage the anxiety because that's not really how we deal with anxieties, how we deal with anxieties properly. get more control and then we get control in one area and then something else will appear that will trigger anxiety and we will think that we need to get control in that area or with that person with that circumstance or with that friend or that partner or that boss or that parent that we just keep It's like a game of whack-a-mole where we knock one down and then something else appears and so we keep trying to control things, the environment and people ourselves in order to achieve something. feeling of relief, but it never really comes because it is never possible to have complete control and that is not really the antidote to anxiety.

We're going to talk about what the antidote is, and today we're also going to talk about some areas where you might be a little more

controlling

than is healthy or helpful for you or your relationships. In some ways this is what's coming up for you and it might even be contributing to you feeling more alone or wondering why you can't write. of holding on to relationships or why friendships and stuff tend to fall apart or explode most of the time without you maybe realizing why or what's happening friendships romantic relationships family relationships whatever you find hardest hold on to them or you just feel like you're always like you're blank, going through life with white knuckles, like you can never have enough control and things are never exactly the way you want them to be, so you always feel this kind of feeling of restlessness, um of anger of resentment of frustration yes, everything we are going to talk about whether or not you might be too controlling in some areas, what these areas are and then what we can do about it.

Are you ready? This is important. It may be harder to hear, but without awareness we cannot make any changes, so first we have to have the strength and the courage to have that awareness and to be able to look honestly at ourselves and then have the courage and the support and the strength and the tools to be able to make those changes so that we can feel happier and healthier and have better relationships and a more fulfilling life, yes, if you are new here, welcome to our amazing little corner of the internet, take a second introduce yourself in the comments section below if you come back it's always a pleasure to have you if you haven't subscribed to the channel yet the button is down there like the video if you like the video it would be very helpful and I really would would appreciate and yes, anyway, my name is julia christina and I am a registered clinical therapist, a researcher, a coach, the creator of my community of members, the change society where we are taking this work to a deeper level, teaching you how to manage and overcome your biggest struggles with anxiety, self-doubt, depression, having boundaries with relationship difficulties, teaching you a step-by-step process to manage. your mind and your emotions no matter who or what is happening inside or around you learn more about the change society in the description below anyway my name is julia christina and I am a registered clinical therapist, a researcher, a coach and the creator of my membership. community either way I help heart centered humans get over the crap that is holding them back so they can like themselves and their lives more every day and being too controlling in our lives may be holding us back because like I said we keep trying hard and trying. to cling to something that does not exist total control does not exist you have tried it you have grasped it it is as if fallen in your hands and then you have tried harder you have tried to control the people around you You have tried to control your environment.

You tried to set everything up so that you never have to feel insecure or out of control or feel like things are up in the air. You don't know what's going on, so you don't know. I don't have to worry and if it worked I guess I don't know because I've been there and I tried and failed miserably so looking at these things you might be trying to control too much and how do you know if you're too controlling the first one this is going to be difficult? you use guilt to get people to do what you want them to do and this is a passive or passive aggressive way of being controlling trying to force people to do what you want to respond how you want to act how you want you know how to behave how you want to give what you want you want and you use guilt to make it right if you really loved me then you would be okay with this well you know so and so is a really good person and they didn't have a problem with it are you sure that's what you want to do?

Are you sure it's the right decision? I do not know about that. It's true, just using these little things, it can be

subtle

, but you know if you're trying to subtly manipulate people into doing what you want, trying to make them feel bad if they don't do it, if they make a different decision, if they do something that you know it's their own choice and maybe it's not. It's not what you want: Do you use guilt to try to get people to do what you want? The next sign that you might be struggling with being too controlling is getting really jealous when people you are close with, whether it's your partner, whether it's a sibling, whether it's a best friend, even if it's like a close coworker , he wants to do things with other people and maybe you try to prevent that from happening, maybe you feel threatened if he wants to have other friends, if he wants to be around other people. people and you start thinking you know something like oh I'm not good enough for them or oh I'm not important enough for them they want to be with this person maybe they'll start to like them more maybe that means you know I'm not their priority. , right, maybe they abandon me or maybe they leave me, and we can start to feel really jealous and then start to be really controlling and maybe even use guilt like, oh, I was.

I was really hoping it was just you and me, unless you knew you had made a plan for the two of you and you had this thing you were going to do and you were looking forward to it just being the two of us. You're right, that's different than saying I was really hoping that you and I could just go paddle boarding together and it would be something I could share and I'm a little disappointed that you invited all these others. people because it was the first time we did it and I wanted to have this first experience with you.

You know the difference between that and every time you know you make plans with someone and they include someone else, you get jealous or every time you Call a friend and say, Hi, can you go out and he has plans with someone else? You get really angry when you start to feel threatened in some way and you start liking him, making little side comments, or trying to feel a little bit of guilt. trips or maybe even give them the silent treatment for a while and it's because you feel very jealous because you want them maybe all to yourself and there's something about them having other relationships that feels very threatening to you and so you try it. controlling them so that they are only around you or most of the time or being around you, you know when you've decided that you want to be around them, that's what they should do is want to be around you whenever you want.

Being around them can be a sign that you are struggling with being too controlling. The next thing is that maybe you just openly criticize people for not doing things exactly the way you want them to do them, maybe they don't hold your partner. You don't load the dishwasher the way you think they should, maybe they leave their socks under the desk when they're working, maybe they don't know how to rinse the dishes, wow, dishwasher analogies, you can see this could be a bit of a problem. what I've had to deal with, maybe they don't rinse their dishes before loading the dishwasher and think the dishwasher should take care of it, you know what people don't do, someone in your life doesn't do it exactly the way that you want them to do it and you end up criticizing them, you end up being picky with them, maybe they don't make the bed exactly the way you want, so you make a little comment about it and then you get angry, you get angry. remake it yourself Do you try to get people to be exactly who you want them to be or do things exactly how you want them to do them?

You get angry? do you judge them? Do you separate them when they don't? this is something to watch I see It's the way I like it, the way I do it, but that doesn't mean it has to be the way everyone else does it, and if I'm continually criticizing other people for the way they do things, I'm going to do it. I end up finding myself doing most things on my own because people just get fed up and tell me: forget it if you need it done a certain way, you do it that way, this is the way I do it if you don't like it.

It's like that saying: if you think there's a right way to load the dishwasher, don't be surprised if you're the only one loading the dishwasher, and I'm not saying that in close relationships we can't be that way. flexible, we can't be open to other people's influence, there's no wiggle room there where you know both people can be open to the way another person does something and try to make some adjustments to work together, I'm not talking about that. but you know what I'm talking about when you're always being picky about things like why can't they do it this way why do they always do it this way why can't they understand this why don't they see why don't they understand it?

Why don't they understand it? Why don't they realize that? And you constantly get into a state of frustration, anger and upset because people don't live with exactly the same brain as you, so The next firm could be too controlling: you punish people when they don't meet your expectations, especially those who They are not expressed. You don't really tell people what your expectations are, but you get very angry when they don't meet them correctly. They should know this if they loved me they would know what I need if they really understood me they would be able to correctly anticipate what is important to me and we put all these expectations on other people and then when they don't meet them and as often as I said, they don't even know that Haven't you said hey, I'd really like this.

Could you do this? This is important for me. you're not even communicating it and they're not doing it and then you're getting really angry and resentful and bitter and maybe even punishing them in a passive-aggressive way through the silent treatment, cheating on them, sulking, that's it. Forms of manipulative behavior in an attempt to control what is right, is trying to make someone realize how they have upset us or how they have hurt us or how they just don't understand us and we are trying to communicate, are basically under the surface. . We feel hurt by these unhealthy and unhelpful behaviors and that is an attempt to control another person's behavior when they have not met our expectations.

Now I'm not saying that it's not okay to get angry when you've specifically asked someone to do something right for you. You've asked them you've asked your partner to clean the bathroom and they've told you they would do it and then they didn't and it's not incomprehensible that you're upset about that, hey, you agreed to this. He didn't do it that's different that's not what you know, trying to control his behavior that's someone who keeps a commitment someone you know agrees to do something and then doesn't do it that's not controlling but those are those moments when someone doesn't keep a promise unspoken expectation and then, yeah, you're passive, aggressive, holding yourself back, withholding love, withholding attention, withholding your words, you know you like to get back, that's controlling behavior because it's not really overtly about addressing the problem by talking about it.

By having a conversation and resolving it, he is controlling, he is manipulative, he is passive-aggressive. The next thing that couldTo mean that you are struggling to be controlling is that you are trying to force people to see things your way, it is not just about sharing your opinion on politics or religion. about values ​​about how you think the world should be right, it's not just about sharing your perspective on things and having a healthy discussion, it's like ridiculing or feeling guilty or strongly expressing your ideas, your ideals and your opinions about other people and basically telling them they're wrong and you're right and that's how it is and that's how they should think and if they don't then there's something wrong with them or whatever is right, it's like imposing that on other people and trying to of coercing them by trying to control their views and we could delve into why that is right.

You often know this from a more deeply rooted perspective. It's because we are communal beings where sometimes it can seem threatening if someone has a different perspective because we fear. which can create division, but what creates division is not understanding or accepting other people's ideas, ideals or perspectives, that's what creates division, it's not even necessarily the differences themselves, so really look at that, right? why I need people to agree with me, why do I need people to see things my way? Why do I need people to have the same opinions, views or perspectives as me? Why do I need to have that?

Would or could it be okay if I just let them live? according to their own ideals and ideas, especially if those ideas, ideas and ideals do not impact me in any way. Can I share my opinion? Can I share the reasons for my opinion? Can I have a healthy conversation? You know both people with different perspectives do it. I need to force someone to swallow my views and make them feel like a bad person if they don't adopt them, that's controlling, the next sign that they might have a hard time being controlling is when you try to solve other people's problems for them and then get angry or punish them when they don't follow your advice so someone comes to you with a problem like uh my boss uh my father-in-law uh my cousin uh my son or whatever and they say this is the problem is happening this is so frustrating what are they doing this I can't handle this you're like okay this is what you have to do and you present the plan to them and then they don't follow the plan and then you get mad at them and maybe stop talking to them because they didn't follow the advice you gave them.

Whether or not they asked for that advice, it's still up to them whether or not they want to do something about it and it's up to you. Whether you need them or not, you can choose whether or not to require them to follow your advice so that you are okay. People have the right to live their lives the way they want. People have rights. ruin their lives if they want to, of course, that's not what we want for the people we love, we want to be there, we want to be supportive, we want to try to help them in any way that's helpful, but at the same time.

At the same time, we also have to free people to live their lives the way they want because we can't control that, like we talk about control, we don't have full control over it, we can't control it, at the end of the day you can't. move someone's body. and their arms and their mouth and get them to behave the way and talk the way and act the way you want them to act, they can offer their feedback, they can offer their advice, they can share their opinions and perspectives, they can try to help To emerge. with solutions, but at the end of the day they are completely autonomous as to whether they do it or not, they follow through, they choose that people are allowed to continue living in their problems, they are allowed to not solve their problems, you are allowed take a step back and distance yourself from it if you know that your problems are negatively impacting you by choosing to continue engaging in those problems and you know that it doesn't or doesn't resolve them.

I'm allowed to take a step back, so if someone has an anger problem and when they get angry they yell and scream and swear, you can give them anger management pamphlets, you can give them mindfulness exercises to help them calm down. one is my 10 minute guided mindfulness exercise it's free it's in the description below you can pass it on you can give them resources but at the end of the day you can't force them to manage their own anger, you can't force them Resolve that you can't force them to stop lashing out when they are angry.

You can not do that. I know it's annoying. I know it's hard. But you can't control that someone is allowed to shout and scream when they're angry. You are allowed. don't stand there I'm not saying it's okay I'm not saying it's good but you can't really do it, you know what I mean, like you can't physically stop them are you with me? keep up I want to make sure we're on the same page as us you can't page with this you can't stop someone for acting a certain way you can't control that you can request a change even you know say set a boundary and say yes if you continue acting so I will not get involved with you I will withdraw from the situation I could even withdraw from the relationship that is your choice this is my choice that is my limit you can do that you are allowed to choose how you want to exist in the midst of your choice to continue participating in the problem correctly, but we can't solve people's problems for them.

I remember this was a few years ago. My mother was in transition for several years. She about 10 years ago. My mom was transitioning into retirement and she didn't know what she wanted to do and she was feeling very anxious and she was like, "I want to stay engaged and involved and I want to keep making money in addition to my retirement." income and as you know I just want to do something and I kept offering and she says I don't know what to do and I feel really stuck and I wonder what I'm going to do with my time and with my life and I kept offering her all these suggestions, I kept trying to figure out her problem for her and she kept resisting and making excuses and saying yes but I don't know and no that probably won't work and I wouldn't have time and oh your dad wouldn't want me like she was going through all this stuff and I I was getting so frustrated because I'm trying to solve your problem, I'm trying to fix this for you and you keep resisting and then it finally hit me and I thought why do I have to get frustrated because my mom is struggling with what she wants to do in her retirement?

Why do I have to worry about this? Why do I have to be upset because she's not there? I respond to solutions that I think are obvious. Why do I need to get angry about that? It's something I need to get angry about and then I realized I said to my mom, Mom, is this a problem you're looking for? resolve right now and she's like no, I just want to make up, I want to complain because I'm struggling with the transition to retirement and I just need to feel heard, that this is a difficult time and I thought, oh, I have to do this. save as much energy as much brainstorming as processing trying to find solutions I could have saved all that brain power if I had asked in the first place you don't have to solve other people's problems for them you can be with them and for them, but no you can do it for them and then another way that being too controlling could show up is if you're putting your emotions on other people for their decisions.

Now, this is a bit nuanced, so let's get on with it. but let's say someone is talking to you and they're telling you about something they're doing and a choice they're making and you're like, "Oh my God, I'm so worried about you, you know what's going to happen, what if this?" It happens, what if that happens and you're projecting all of your own fear or anxiety onto them instead of maybe taking a backhanded approach and asking them and asking them how you feel about this choice? What are some of the risks you are aware of? some of the potential outcomes maybe you've even thought about this, have you thought about that, have you planned this, as well as, and you're just asking some clarifying questions because you want to make sure that they've thought about it. find out that they are making a safe decision or that you know a good option for them and their lives and you want the best for them, right?

You can see the difference when someone shares something that they're making a decision that they're making whether they're going to go back to school whether they're going to start a new business whether they're going to train to run a marathon whether they're going to grow their own garden, whatever it is if they choose to, you know, take a year off and traveling around the world and you're like, "Oh my gosh, this seems like a decision I wouldn't make or something that would make me anxious, so now I'm going to project that anxiety onto them and I'm going to try, like you know, to get them to calm my emotions.

I'm going to try to put my emotions into them and try to get them to take care of my emotional state for me and make me feel better, and this can show up in many different ways, it doesn't have to be about the decisions. from someone else, but how often do you do that? Do you find yourself doing something that's happening and you put your emotions on someone else and basically say "okay, now you make me feel better" and I remember hearing this from one of my own. clients and my jaw almost dropped to the floor when she said her husband told her when I'm upset it's your job to make me happy it's your job to make things better for me even in life in general it's your job to make my life good and I I was like Jesus took the wheel, I can't handle this right now, it just triggered everything inside of me and it goes against everything I teach and everything that is healthy and everything is good and relating to relationships was like this was the antidote to all of that this is like the antithesis I guess it's not the antidote this is the antidote to all of that he was putting his well-being in your hands and basically saying that you're responsible for making me good, which is not the case at all, absolutely inappropriate and absolutely impossible, we cannot make another person happy, we cannot be responsible for another person's mental and emotional well-being because it is not up to us and we have little or nothing. control it again we can be there to support we can be there to offer encouragement we can be there to help when and you know when and how it is appropriate but it is not a responsibility to do it for them it is not our responsibility to carry other people's emotions as if it were not It's no one else's responsibility to bear ours, we're allowed to feel anxious, we're allowed to feel upset, we're allowed to feel disappointed, we're allowed to feel hurt, and we're allowed to talk about it and work on it. but don't put it on someone and expect them to fix it for us.

How are you? We talked about some heavy stuff here. What awaits you right now if you notice that you have been doing some of these things that you have been doing. engage in some of these behaviors just be kind to yourself it's for a reason every behavior has a purpose it's probably to manage anxiety in some way, in some way, a lot of the things related to controlling other people are to try to prevent abandonment to try to make We are sure that we are connected to others and then we just like these unhealthy ways of showing ourselves well, that we really want to be loved, to belong, to connect, to feel safe, to feel safe, and then we seek to satisfy those needs in this kind of backwards, but it is often learned well, we learned it somewhere, we were taught it, we observed it, we absorbed it from somewhere, be kind to yourself, you are not a bad person, you just learned some ways of be unhealthy and unhelpful, which is The good news is that you can unlearn them, but the first step is to be curious.

Why do I need to control this? Why do I need this to be like this? What do I think will happen if so? What do I fear will happen if so? No, how will I face it? How will I get over it? Really doing that deeper work and if that deeper work is something you're ready to do, join us in the change society, this is the work we do, this program is changing the brain. it changes your life you won't be the same when you come out of this the way you think the way you feel the way you present yourself the way you relate the way you live is going to change dramatically if you do the work join us there the information is in the description um and then you will be on the waiting list, you will receive a notification when we open registration again in the meantime, if you want to do something that deepens your relationship with yourself, the antidote to control like I talked about sorry, Yes, the antidote to anxiety is not control, the antidote to anxiety is confidence, and that starts with learning to trust ourselves, building that foundation from the inside out to feel safe, comfortable and confident in who we are and In Myself.

I'm going to teach you how to develop that self-confidence in my guide. These are simple steps for self-confidence found in the description. You want to make sure you have them in your hands and start working on it when you wait for registration. the change society to open simple steps self-confidence go through it do the exercises you areYou will begin to develop that self-confidence morefaster than you think once you learn how to do it, it's always good to have you here. I like the video, if you got anything, please subscribe to the channel, stay connected, let me know what connected you.

Join the waiting list for the shift society while you wait for it to open, follow the simple steps to trust yourself and until next time, take good care of those around you and take good care of yourself, goodbye for now.