You're Showering Wrong

Are you

showering

perfectly? Let's talk about that mythical good day. If you want to be the first person you know to purchase and read our novel Loss Causes a Grim Stream. You can reserve it today. It's scary, fun, and really good. We have been told by our close friends and family that we do not believe they are lying. Yes, get it at bleakcreek.com. Now, it is my humble opinion that there is a

wrong

way to do something and there is a right way to do something, but even more importantly. I think there is always a better way to do something that I am familiar with.

Your position on the matter, so today are you ready to receive the blessing? Because I have prepared a presentation that will revolutionize and streamline one of the most important things you do every day undressing and taking the soap because I am about to reveal to you a better way to shower now for most people taking a shower is simple, you You get naked, you soap up, you rinse and you dry yourself. sounds like the right way, very simple, yes, well, just because it's the right way doesn't mean it's the best, okay, that was a lightning bolt, it was really necessary, well, it was for dramatic effect and it also symbolizes the great rains that our ancestors took advantage of. so I can use the shower easel, oh, you're going to use the easel, yeah buddy, I've got a pointer, look at me, I've got a pointer, okay, there's three stages, your pointer has a brush on the end, that's right, it's potentially more annoying than my pointer. that's okay, that's okay, I'm helping you through the three stages of getting ready to shower, washing and drying, the first step of preparation is to collect all the hair from the drain to optimize the flow of the drain, reach out, I collected this this morning.

It may seem gross but you know what you're about to take a shower you're about to take a shower these are house guests too I mean there's no one in your family no I like that that's Christy Yes, that's me, the one who apologizes. your back I have a curly redheaded Irishman who only uses my shower and pulls his beard or pubic hair very hard that's my question, it's not to ask any questions and it got in my face, so what are you doing to do with Well, I'm going to stop holding it soon. I'm going to throw it away.

No no no. What you have to do is take it. Put it in your hair dryer. It's that grate on your back deck and us. We'll come back to that at the end, so pretend you're putting it out to dry on your back deck as if you left it there. We will return to that below. You're going to want to start the water and you're going to turn it on high so it heats up faster and while you're waiting you're going to want to place your towel to dry outside the shower, but in a place accessible from inside the shower, I respect that you understand that, by the way , if at any point while you are

showering

you realize that you forgot to cover your towel, you should stop what you are doing, get out of the shower and grab that towel.

It doesn't matter how cold you are or how wet the floor is, although those are two keys to a perfect shower, all bets are off, there is no happy ending, it's okay, you don't want to end your shower session, shivering naked and Frozen on the bathroom rug. He crossed the room to get a towel, which a wise man once said: the moment of nudity should always be minimized. Well, it was moving very slowly, so as the water approached its optimal heat, that's when you know it's time, not what time to get naked. And it's time for a new graphic.

Well, it didn't necessarily have to have a nudity diagram and it didn't have to be you. They put so much detail in there and it's accurate in every way. I think so, yes, but look. you're soft as a baby look at the detail on the feet I'm really looking at the feet okay would you prefer more generic diagrams moving forward yes okay okay oh so you understand well we used all of our budget blurring in the diagram above well you might want to blur that out anyway, that's not accurate, that's just so we didn't have to blur anything, okay to get naked, take off your pants, but hey, at the same time put your thumbs in the waistband of your underwear so you can take them off. your pants and your underwear at the same time why are you already in the shower with your clothes on that's not that's not part that's not part that's okay I don't know and also when you take off your shirt you can take off your hat at the same time, okay, never pull down your pants starting from the bottom or middle of your pants, otherwise you will end up lying on the floor like a grown man having his diaper changed.

Now it's time for stage two, easel wash, wash yourself. I didn't need two easels for that wash, I mean this is really different and easy, yeah they could have just put new cards in, okay at this point the water should be hot you should set it to the right temperature and jump now if want. I have to pee, this is the time to do that, done, that makes you thirsty and now we wash, the washing should be done from top to bottom, okay, now I recommend standing up and shampooing your hair first and making sure you don't grab the conditioner. first, if you are someone who has shampoo and conditioner in one, please stop, I don't believe in that, but I do believe in Finland, well, yes, you are

wrong

about that, but the best way to keep your shampoo and conditioner straight. it's with a simple song you put the shampoo poop on the right and you'll be fine put the conditioner on the left and it'll make your head so blessed poop on the right mole on the left you'll be fine your head will be blessed, yes, they have labels, It's hard to read the labels and they look very similar, you can't read in the shower, dude, okay, discrimination, so sing with me, put the shampoo on the right and you'll make your head so blessed, poop on the right. right to the left you will be fine your head will be blessed yes and then you grab it you put it there really now let the shampoo rinse your body this is what I call the pre-wash body wash and then you will add the conditioner but you will not rinse it well, You'll leave the conditioner on, I know, I know you do some of this right, I'm already proud of you, didn't you touch my knee, proud of you, proud of you, next time I wash my face? with a unique facial brush, try it, it feels good, doesn't it?

That's my signature butt brush, this is my signature face brush, so just wash that thing now when you wash your face, don't close your eyes for too long because shower monsters uh close your eyes you see what I'm talking I guess not because your eyes are closed well you can open your eyes now you did it what just happened uh shower monsters next you're going to want to lather up your loofah and yes you have to use a loofah, do you? do you use one? No, I don't believe in those, so you make foam and then turn off the water completely.

There's no water. It's okay, you don't need it and even if you want to. Not having it will make you much more grateful when it comes back, plus this maximizes your lathering ability, saves water in the process, so you'll want to scrub it all neck down if it hides, expose it if it falls, pick it up, oh God, and No There's no shame in kneeling to care for the bottoms of your feet, but make sure you have everything and then you'll want to reheat the water and begin the glorious rinse, of course, which is top-down if you hide.

If it fails, pick it up, what do you want? Yeah, what do you have if it flies? That great uprising. I am speaking on behalf of grandmothers. Here too, everyone needs to have the perfect shower and please don't rush this rinsing time. This is the climax of your shower and it should be near the end if there is a thunderstorm now you are ready for the third and final stage dry dry dry step one don't grab your towel did you know that you were born with two shower brushes on your body? no, they're on the ends of your wrists, use your hands to clean your body right there, right there, right there, show me what happens to the parts that fail, pick it up, wringer, wow, arms, arms, body, I do this all in the mornings and then when I grab my ankles I shake my head I grab my ankles and shake my head he doesn't lie every morning she doesn't lie I of course I'm not lying I figured it out well you could say this ridiculous yes, I would say so en This seems ridiculous to you, the average American family does 300 to 390 loads of laundry per year, which translates to $600 per year of cost associated with that.

Now the American Cleansing Institute recommends using a towel three or four times before washing it, I say each person can just round that up to a week, but remember that you have scrapers on the ends of your wrists and by using them you can reduce the amount of water which goes into the towel by 50 percent, thus doubling the frequency with which you can use a towel to Stretch a towel to last two weeks, which means assuming you are washing towels in your own loads, i.e. 52 loads per year reduced to 26 loads per year, thus saving 26 loads of laundry per 30 gallons used at a cost of fifty dollars. per charge you're saving a lot of water plus 39 per year and if you stress that over an average lifespan of 72 years you could be a millionaire so 39 times 72 I think that's less than three thousand dollars actually less than three thousand dollars closer to being a millionaire, okay, take off the easel, now you want to grab your perfectly pre-positioned towel and let little to no steam escape from your shower and you want to dry it all again from top to bottom if it hides, expose it If you flop, pick it up and while you dry off, that's when I take the opportunity to cheer myself up loud.

I'm the king of the shower. I'm a sweet peach who knows what he's worth. I liked myself and then you've done it. You've had a good shower and you can go out. This is where the fun begins. rest of your life now you might want to say it out loud too, eh sure, you can say it with me, this is where the rest of my life begins, can you get your ass back quickly, oh thank you. Oh, and remember that hair we collected from the drain, uh, you can turn it into any number of crafts I've made for you, this cool hat hair that I call hat hair.

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