Why You Need to Stop Saying What People Want to Hear | Kyle Cease on Impact TheoryApr 29, 2023
I truly believe that no person has ever broken your
heart but they broke your expectations and by breaking your expectations they bring you closer to your
heart and it is also the fact that it is temporary which also adds to the fact that this is all temporary and we move on. as if we had an eternity and it was crazy. Hi everyone, welcome to the
theory. Our goal with this program and company is to introduce you to the
peopleand ideas that will help you realize your dreams. Today's guest is an actor, comedian, best-selling author. and transformation expert, he began performing stand-up comedy at the age of 12 and was headlining at 18, making him one of the youngest acts in the country.
From there, he devoted himself to his craft and continued to excel. place in comedy central's laugh riot competition earned a number one ranking in comedy central's stand-up showdown had two number one specials on comedy central and made over 100 film and television appearances including 10 Things I Hate of you, not another teen movie jimmy kimmel live and chelsea lately, but then, at the height of his success, he began to realize that he
wanted to do something completely different and, although that meant facing a great deal of ridicule, he went from being a comedian to be someone who uses comedy to help himself. and others transform since making the change has been just as successful and today he can be found leading his transformation event evolving loudly to sell out tickets and appearing on stage with luminaries like tony robbins eckhart tolle jim carrey and deepak chopra he has also been a guest speaker at thousands of college summits and fortune 500 conferences, including Agape International, the Sun Valley Wellness Festival, and the Longevity Now conference, so please help me welcome the New York Times, USA top
kylecesa welcome to the show man we got your whole crazy fanbase in the house today yeah after that intro im excited to hear
whati have to say you dont plan ahead so we should be right in the pocket today um , I feel like if I had planned ahead, you wouldn't be listening to me, you'd be listening to something that I set up and if I was doing something that I set up, it would be because I
wantto get something from someone you know, we say I'm I'm doing this right I'm doing this wrong that question implies that is there a right or wrong way and how do you measure that if it sold something
peopleliked it got audience approval so i also feel like the moment you always feel something like if you just say
whatyou feel then you actually believe a space where the person in front of you or the audience go oh I know how that feels and I can connect with you but trying to prepare something we often block out what we feel and then bring something we prepared earlier in the day and the People miss out on the real you and one thing I was thinking about at one point a while ago and just now when it came up again is that and it was three years ago that I first thought about it but then I thought about it many times since then and right now it came up so one thing i just realized is it's a good thing i watched your comedy yeah. well, here's the thing: we live in a world where we don't say what we think, we say what we think people want to hear, so if you get on an elevator and there's someone you're attracted to who gets on the elevator and you're trying to think of the right thing to say what would happen if you looked at the person and said I'm trying to think of something to say to you like that's actually true and how attractive would that be if a person is trying to think of the right thing to tell you that there is vulnerability in the sense that there is a possibility that they could co-create with you, but most people don't say that they say what they think the person wants. to listen well, so instead we look at this person and go, sure there's weather outside and they say yes, and yesterday there was weather too and now they're two fake people and this is the person they're going to marry, that is the world.
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why you need to stop saying what people want to hear kyle cease on impact theory...
Live well I'm going to marry this person after starting the whole thing in an inauthentic way so for me not preparing is so much easier and so much truer and there are so many amazing moments of that right and people say I don't know how you do that and I remind people that when you go to a restaurant you don't have a set list don't sit there and think first I'll ask them if they have pets and if they like ice cream really just say what you feel and in that space you have a conversation two hour impromptu so that's all we're doing it's really interesting because looking at your career and seeing how successful you've been and even now you like to post getting into a much more conscious space I know the difference between goals and intentions, but you definitely have intentions, so please explain to us what is the difference between a goal and an intention and how you continue to be someone who strives, um with that, what you were talking about. which is not about over-planning and falling for falsehood, well I think a goal is something you can actually see the result of, like I'm going to win a million dollars so if you say I'm going to win a million dollars then you might actually see your bank account change but that might not necessarily mean it changes correctly so if you have an intention that is an inner goal at the right time and life can reflect what your intention is , so let's say it feels bad if your intention If I'm here to grow then feeling bad might be okay so if you say my inner intention is to learn my inner intention is to free myself my inner intention is whatever that it is what you are now, it is a word that you can bring.
It's a different thing to you. Many people don't realize that everyone has intentions, but they haven't intentionally created them themselves, so they might say that you know I'm worried right now and that their inner intention might be to be conflict-free, so they're against that worry and they're actually scared so an intention is what i like to bring with me my intention like i actually have the word patience on my shirt i love the word patience like i'm doing eg , sometimes I will do a juice fast well and I was three days on a juice fast and actually got on the scale and gained weight and if my intention was results I would be really mad because I didn't get any but because my intention is patience i stick with it and say ok i'm not supposed to get results in three days i'm supposed to stick with it and then the bigger results usually come as a byproduct of you being that intention is that space so for me and the intention is much bigger because you don't know what the results will be but you change with an intention you become a different person you see the world differently after a while so I don't like them goals a lot because goals are often created of you in that ego state you get what i mean like in the state you're in like everything you're thinking right now the biggest goal you can see for yourself still brings your past history so your past history might think I'm someone for example just to give something measurable let's say you're someone making 20 000 a year and you want to create a goal for next year so the biggest What you'll see is I'll make 30,000 next year yes, but you're only right now what you and me and oprah and trump and anyone you can think of are all the same infinite possibilities just heart lungs potential right now right now and if you get rid of the old story then you can change very quickly when you say we're right in the moment, are you talking about we have the opportunity to push that potential in any direction we want?
What does that mean exactly? right now right now i'm just not sure how to internalize that yeah so check this out everything you perceive about yourself from your past doesn't exist right now you're just sitting here so if you take a deep breath you might have these little images of what your past history is like, things that happen to you, things that you feel, reactions to whatever, but if I really realize that everything I think I am from past achievements or future achievements or that i have like goals or whatever it's not me i'm just this space where those ideas pop up and oftentimes they can go well let's say you have a thought nobody likes me because nobody likes me in that one thing in the past, who says it is? just a thought, it's not you, it's a thought that comes from the evidence of a thing in the past, but that doesn't mean it's you, so that thought appears and you let it be there.
One thing I love to do with people is when they say I'm nervous or scared or anything that feels like a negative I ask them to say and I love that afterwards so if I say right now I have no idea how It's going to be this interview and I love that suddenly I'm free right if I think I have no idea how this interview is going to go and that scares me then I'm going to get entangled right and the problem isn't the thought it's your resistance to the thought So where do these thoughts come from?
It's just thoughts that we have these things that we think and usually we think that those thoughts are bigger than us and then we resist them so I don't know if that answers your question but what do I realize that all those things we think we are that feel limited you know i'm not enough i'm not worthy i'm scared all those things we think we are are all we have as evidence of that is our past true i'm not enough because that time all that comes in and he hears me say you're just infinite you're amazing when you hear a voice go he doesn't know my story even though my story my past is not what you tell me about that time you're transitioning out of stand up comedy uh, the people you've been acting shoulder to shoulder with now start attacking you pretty aggressively um it's viral videos it went viral about them coming after you yeah and it sucked yeah and how did you manage to Get over that, my friend Diego once said this which became something I live for: Every time you let go of something scary, you're only scared because Your mind can measure what you'll lose, but it can't see what you'll gain, so If you're sad because you're going through a breakup, you're focused on one person's loss versus the gain of 7.5 billion people. if you're bisexual and willing to date everyone so your mind only remembers one person but can't see what's on the other side and that's no different to me than getting on an elevator when you get on an elevator it's a dark closed room Like when you meditate, sometimes your visions of what you were disappear and you feel darkness, but that doesn't mean that because these doors are closed there isn't a whole new world on the other side about to open up, so when you feel lost.
You really have a problem. You're just addicted to watching the old story. I've seen you on stage working with people to help them get their stories out there which is really very special and great to see you do and you want to talk about something that would make my heart flutter. It's really great. How do you help? people come out of those stories like what is the process ok this may sound ignorant but i think all our challenges that we have that trigger us is an illusion i don't want to say that so don't pay attention to them because that is ignoring them , they still
needto be felt and released, but almost everything that each person says can come to an energy where they're caught up in something and I can see the lie, I can feel the lie, so if someone says anything, I'm going through because of massive stage fright right now the first thing I often make them do is say and I love that and it immediately loosens up the moment they let go because you're changing their perspective on themselves I'm not just in my opinion changing your perspective, but i am leading you to what is true, in other words, most people think that the things that are temporary are the permanent things, right? it's going to be alright you think when you're down when you're feeling down you think what you're feeling is how you're gonna feel forever what makes it feel worse you know what i mean when you're on a low you're like this is my life now this is it or when you're on a high too you get real high cause you think this is my life now i've fallen in love with this person so we're together forever and i'm always going to feel this way they are the one so a month later you're like this is my life forever and then and then it goes from one place to another and you don't understand all your emotions are temporary they are fleeting things but there is something in this moment in this moment that i feel is permanent this that you can feel only this silence this space i have had so many things come and go that i once thought if my reality were that parts of me continue to die and i allow them to die well then most of our pain comes from believing that we must continue to hold on to these things that are really heavy in our lives, even in physical examples, like thatA lot of us have an attic full of things, a lot of those things are things that your past thinks you should have, but they're not necessarily what your heart would want right now, right? like this is something i inherited or i should just keep this and someday show my kids the right thing to do so to give you an example for me i had a top central comedy special in 2006 i was cleaning up a couple of years ago and i found this huge poster of it. and it was something I'm very proud of and I thought I should keep this and I thought my mind comes up with a justification for why I should keep it and I think when your mind comes up with a justification that it means no I don't i want to i don't justify to anyone why i do this for a living i don't justify who my family is i don't justify who my best friends are to anyone but there are some of us who have situations like well i don't like that person but they were nice to me, that one day I don't like it, yes, that job sucks, but I'll have a doctor in six months, right? i'm ignoring your body because it defines for people that the mind-body distinction you do speak very eloquently about so i think there are two voices that we all have there is a first voice that tells you the next step and can only tell you the next take a step to the right so those are those quick inspired moments that come along
sayingthings like we're leaving this company you can't see what's going to happen it's that first voice it's before you realize you could go to bankruptcy, is that first moment, what? if we leave this company or if we ask that person out or that inspired moment what if I just flew to Italy right now or started that book or that band or took piano lessons for a year and locked them up now whatever's something inspired you know what I mean I think that feeling is a preview but it can't tell you why you should do that because you've never done it so this first voice that voice that we hear in our body especially when you're silent or you're in a really good mood you're laughing and you say something like we should say something a little crazy that's amazing the book i wrote called i hope i screw this up how free would you be if you said yes we could screw this up but amazing i love it TRUE?
What will I become too if I'm willing to make a mess, but it's also my calling? There's something in me that says I
needto do this so that's the first voice but we've trained ourselves to ignore this voice and listen to the second voice which I think is a collection of average society you know what we learned is the voice practice the voice that says I need to be responsible and it is my duty voice every time you say I should do where do you get that from what society says but we forget that society is a bit crazy there are a lot of unhappy people there a lot of addictions a lot of stagnation true many murders many like why are we using them as the bell time we should get our correct advice from so this first voice says I think we should do this and we go straight to this voice
sayingwhy shouldn't we when I went off on a tangent but what was I going to say was with the poster.
I thought I had a justification for why I should keep it. Someday you might want to show it to a child. make it like it's time to show you my achievement in 2006 honey there's really no emotion for that day like we're holding things and don't realize that day will never happen so i took this poster to the trash because it wasn't a 10 on my body is a story of who i was not who i am now and i said i was just going to release this and it was scary as hell and i feel like i feel the scarier it is the more change you're going to feel so i just threw it in the dumpster and I turned around and had this release of freedom.
I disengaged from thinking that I was that comedian and realized that if one day I would have a child, which I now do. if i have a child one day they would rather have my presence my presence as many moments as possible than me bragging about some accomplishment i did 20 years ago totally so if stories are the basis that basis is nil how do you make the story people start? to build a story that's going to be empowering and I guess I'm giving you that word, I don't know if that's a word you would use, but of course, what are the building blocks of a healthy story?
So what do I really like to do? is to help people be okay with where they are, what I really believe is if you can really only look at yourself right now, if you can really only see yourself, you have to. accept the idea that you are enough first because otherwise you will always be moving from a place of lack and fixing well tell me what do you mean when you say that to really accept that you are correct enough as in is ok for example there are many people that they feel guilty about something okay okay if you really go to your heart you can understand on a real level why you could have done something like that everyone can but what is our pain what causes our pain is trying to do let society do it.
I understand why we did something, but the collective society is not in a consciousness where they have forgiven themselves for anything, so there are a lot of judgments you will see on yourself if you look at yourself through the eyes of society one of the most amazing stories you have and that was your mother passing away just six weeks before your daughter was born and I think that was the moment where I really clicked with your philosophy of understanding one were really real about what you were going through and then two it was like I really understood that you have to take a real look at what's going on because, to me, certainly, when I started listening to people talking about you, you knew to create space to enter space that kind of thing that I didn't know how to engage my hooks to really understand on a visceral level what's going on, yeah, but your example there really helped me understand in a concrete way where you're coming from, walk us through the lesson you learned.
I think it's really powerful, which is why I started when I was probably in my 20s. No matter what I did as an achievement in my comedy career, my mother wanted to be a grandmother, that was something I heard all the time, no matter who. i was dating was when i'm going to be a grandma like i got this vibe of her always wanting a grandchild um my fiancée christy and i found out we were pregnant the very minute trump won by the way which was really weird because when people had lots of different reactions around the world we were beaming especially christy she was fine it was weird hearing cnn trump news and projects and she is and i am like what is happening in the world right now. moment when we are pregnant and this happens like no matter how you feel about trump it was such a crazy shift in energy worldwide and in my life personally so we tell my mom and she has opinions about it too trump win and she freaks out and everything like that and i tell her she says yes sure you know and i say no we really are we are pregnant so she gets so excited and calls me all the time and asks me about the baby and my mom was really one of my best friends like we were really close and i told her everything she would be one of the first calls on any milestone so i was so excited to tell her about the baby and then while we were in the middle of the pregnancy my mother was delirious and started going crazy and living in a hospital for three months and suddenly she left and I was telling her about the baby and she half remembered and half forgot and didn't remember that we are pregnant and it was crazy and a One of the things that I say in my talks that I have to live is that I really believe that no person has broken your heart but they broke your expectations and by breaking your expectations they bring you closer in your heart, so many people, that person broke my heart, no they didn't, you thought you were supposed to be with that person forever and actually there was kind of an ownership aspect to that, you know if you really take it in. that we only have this moment that you'll really sincerely cherish this moment that I'm on the show with you that I'm dating you and it's also the fact that it's temporary that also adds to that, right? this is temporary and we move like we have an eternity and it's crazy that's why we are very spoiled by the relationships and friendships that we are in and we don't just appreciate them in the moment so we create these expectations and in that expectation is better that you be as you were before and it can't be you I have the expectation that we will be here forever you can't like someone else you can't feel anything else you need to be mine and we have these ex you know expectations and we forget to live and we forget to enjoy that we have this moment and no one has ever broken your heart because I've never had it where an expectation wasn't broken so I didn't cry something and I felt closer to myself Well, six weeks before my daughter is born, my mother dies on May 31, she died on May 31, 2017 and I knew enough to let this hit me. a way to deny it just let it hit me my best friend just died me and my mom we sat there and i really cried and i did it on camera there is a video on youtube called crying my mom with me and i'm just talking to the camera a day following about what I was feeling and it was very helpful it was very therapeutic for me to talk about it and then six weeks later we had this perfect baby my mom was also worried due to some false tests that there had been something wrong with the baby, so my mom died worried that the baby wouldn't make it and stuff or that she wasn't healthy and it turned out we had the best baby in the world this baby is an angel she is the most amazing thing ever and I thought more late as I cried more and more and felt this massive change in the last year of my life in both areas.
I thought about how you know when you see a movie you've seen before with someone you're really into. in the middle like why am i watching this again just to show this new date this movie why do we do that because we like to enjoy something with someone else right and i think i was prepared to enjoy this baby through my mom meaning ? Like if my mom stayed alive, it would have been like she looks at what she's doing now, do you like me? look at what she looks at look at how we connected on how great the baby is but she got out of the way for me to become a direct parent to this child she left and i had to grow up because when she died so did the part of me that I was looking for his approval, the story of who I was with my mom also died and I cried and felt and Then more man appeared and I can be much more protective for this girl.
If my mother had still been alive, she might have been trying to get her approval and maybe even brought that to my daughter. Are you proud of me? you're proud of me i'm holding on to all my past here's everyone proud of me here's this achievement mom don't you love me? she is walking now but because she died and i released that by allowing myself to release it i would much rather my mom be here but it made me stronger made me better made me more connected and more focused and more protective and stronger and i lost probably 50lbs since my mom died too i was like i want to become the most energetic and powerful man i can be for this girl and it is improving my content because i have even more reason to improve the world because she is in it.
I have a one year old girl and she is an underlying reason. She is an underlying reason. for this because I believe that every person on this planet is capable of changing the world by changing themselves and I want to make the world better for my daughter. I love that answer. Yeah, before I ask my last question, tell these guys where they can find it online. Well, um, I do a lot of events and we have a lot of videos and there are all kinds of different things, so
kylecesar.com is my website. 2019 I have another book coming out eh with hay house and it's called the illusion of money why chasing money prevents you from receiving it and it's not about money but it's not about you and the infinite creative being that you are that we usually sacrifice myself because we're not chasing nothing and I'm going to live the rest of my life holding space for everyone looking and everyone on the planet to see that they are infinite until I die because that's what I'm here to do and that's who I am, that's my dharma and that's what I love to do well, you may have answered my last question, what is the
impactyou want to have on the world?
I would say I'm going to let the impact on the world be a byproduct of me living in my highest truth because the biggest impact I can see from here is probably nothing compared to what we're capable of, so I'll continue to be amazed and following my higher self and i'll let him tell me what it's supposed to be i love that yeah thanks so much for coming ok guys this is a world you'll want to immerse yourself in the way he's capable of taking comedy to transformation is absolutely amazing and it gives people just the right amount of hook to pull them in and give them something that is deeply transformative and helps them start to tell a different story and that part ofhis message I think it's so incredibly powerful to understand that you carry your past with you many times and make decisions that you think are here and now, but are really based on how you see yourself and your fear of losing that and not being open to something new and creating something new and coming forward spontaneously, he doesn't have a script, you can see that he's working with people who don't have a script and it's really great to see him go through that process i think you'll see yourself reflected in a lot of what it does, so be sure to read it.
His book is phenomenal. You have to love the title. I hope to ruin this. Be sure to subscribe and until next time my friends be legendary take care thank you all thank you so much for watching and being a part of this community if you haven't already be sure to subscribe you will be served weekly videos on building a growth mindset cultivating value and unlocking your full potential
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