Weekend Update Rewind: Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With (1 of 2)

-It's a joke, okay? It is a nation born. Is it like who we think we are? And who do you think you are, Seth? Because he guesses what. You are not. -I'm sorry. What are you talking about? ♪♪ Between Hurricane Sandy and Tuesday's elections, there is a lot to talk about. Here, with his thoughts on these sensitive topics, is the

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with at a party. -As-salamu alaykum, Seth. -Alright. -Salam. -It's great to see you again. So what do you think about this busy world of politics? -It's okay, I don't have time to think, Seth.

This election is a scandal. It's a joke, okay? It is a nation born. Is it like who we think we are? And who do you think you are, Seth? Because guess what. You are not. -I'm sorry. What are you talking about? -The choice, Seth. Well, take off the blindfold and listen to what I say. -Well. -You are very afraid, Seth. Are you so afraid of what everyone thinks of you and are you judging them? You should be ashamed. -Wait. Who am I judging? -Obama, Seth! Well? How do you think he handled the hurricane? -I thought he did well.

Actually? Because I thought he did well. But I guess that doesn't matter anymore? You have been brainwashed. -Have I been brainwashed? -Open your eyes, people. Hunger, racism, small businesses. It's like, "Maybe not." Like voting or not voting, but taking a position. How not to vote. Instagram. -Oh. Can we talk about the elections? -Well. Do you know what I love most, Seth? Benefits. -Benefits? -Bennifer. -Bennifer? Do you love Bennifer? -Okay, Seth, can I sing a black spiritual real quick? -No! -Well. Good. But what I want to say is that you have to put me in his place, okay?

Do you know how many there are in China alone? -How many what? -Shoes, Seth. You could line them up and they would circle the Earth three times. -Excuse me, would the shoes be? -Exactly, Seth. I'm in your place. And sometimes they don't even have them. So can I sing a black spiritual, real quick? -No! -Good. Cassidy! Cassidy! -Who are you talking to? -Cassidy! Well, Seth, what did you go to for Halloween? -I didn't really dress up. -I was Martin Luther King Jr. -Oh. -So you put on blackface? -Wow! It's an African American face. And yes, of course I did.

Okay, I need to give you this guy's business card. He designs the Internet. Well. Seth, when was the last time you actually went to Thailand? -I don't... What? -Okay, you know what? Good. Just give me your number. -No! -It's not for me, okay? It's for my friend. She texts en masse. -Alright. -where she sends you 10 jokes every day. It's hilarious and you can't unsubscribe. Are you on LinkedIn? -Listen, I have to work very early tomorrow. -America needs to wake up, Seth. There are children who do not have parents. And those parents don't have children. So maybe think about that next time.

Seth, pick a hand. Forward. Choose one. -Well. -See? They were both wrong. -The

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with. -Cassidy! -Here, with her opinions, is the girl you wish you hadn't started a conversation with at a party. -Hello, Seth. Welcome back. -Okay, well, thank you. So, are you excited about the holidays? -Enthusiastic? I'm repulsed, Seth. All this commercialism around Christmas? It's a barbarity. It is an elegant outfit. It's like what are we doing and why? And don't do it. -You really seem to have the Christmas spirit. -Are you referring to the Christmas spirit?

Oh right, you don't care about Jesus, because you worship Hallmark. -Oh boy. -You need to wake up and smell the music, Seth. There are homeless people who can't even pay their mortgages. Is that what George Washington had in mind when he founded the United States? It's like reading something, Seth. Learn a book. -Learn it? -Fact: For every five people who are hungry, there are five people who are too full. It's like changing your stomach. And, in fact, for every four men, there are two women. And that's supposed to be acceptable? No! We need bipartisan ships. -Bipartisan ships?

Do you like bipartisan ships? - "Do you like ships that are bipartisan?" You need to grow up, Seth. Because there are some people in Africa right now where it's like no. Also, I'm sorry, why can't Secret Santa be openly gay? Hello, it's 2010! Wait. Wait. This...is...not...my...phone. -Well. -Seth, can I do a minstrel show, real quick? -No! -Okay okay. You are racist in reverse. That's even worse. Ingrid! Ingrid! I hate her. Seth, what did you order for Christmas? -I don't want to tell you. -Would you relax? I'm just asking you what you want for Christmas. -Okay, well, I was hoping to get the new iPad. -I asked for the end of the genocide. -Oh, come on. -Well?

So, maybe next time you're on your new iPad... -Yes, yes, yes. -...find how to be a decent human being. -Alright. Did you know? I think I should go around and meet other people. -Wait. Give me about 40 more minutes. -No. -I have to show you this that my friend Trevor made. -I don't...-he's like gay, but he only relates to women. He is origami. -Oh, that's great. -That in Spanish means "goose." -No, it is not. We... don't have time for this. I think you should go. -Okay, okay, I'll go. But I have 14 words for you, Seth. -Oh boy. -Peace... -Aha. -...family, sustainable agriculture, not kicking pigeons, reading is our future, and a minstrel show.

Close your eyes, Seth. Look. -No, I do not want to. -No, close them. Look. Open the. Oh! Welcome to America, Seth. The girl at a party you wish you hadn't started a conversation with. Well, summer is just around the corner. Here, with her summer vacation plans, is the girl you wish you hadn't started a conversation with at a party. -Welcome back. Thank you. Great to be here. -Well. So, Girl at a Party, what are you doing this summer? -Oh I do not know. You may be thinking of Syr-i-a. Have you heard a lot about it? -So, I'm sorry.

Will you spend the summer thinking about Syria? -Yeah. Because people need to wake up, Seth. And they also need more sleep, okay? There are high school students who can't even point out India on a map of Africa, okay? That is a misfortune. It is a delay. It's like why don't you buy knowledge, Seth? Trick question. It's free. -I'm sorry. What are you saying? -Okay, don't believe everything you read on television, Seth. Every day 90-year-olds die. It's like, "Oh, thank you, Congress." So why don't you jump off a bridge with everyone else, Seth? Because you are a lemon. -I'm sorry.

A what? -A lemon. -Are you saying lemming or lemon? -Exactly. Because, to all the intensive porpoises, you are a facade. -Okay, can I ask you something that's really happening in the world? -Oh I do not know. Can? Or were you asking if you can? It's called grammar, Seth. Ask a dictionary. Because guess what. They come to America whether you like it or not. -Who is coming? -Cigars, Seth! So tell me this. True or false? -About? -Exactly. And that is the choice women must make every day. And they get half for doing it. Oh. Alana! Alana! -I'm sorry.

Who are you talking to? -That's my friend Alana. She is disgusting. Seth, what were you going to do? What did you do during spring break? -Oh, for spring break? Some friends and I went to the Bahamas. -I went to Rwanda, okay? I heard about an amazing hotel there in a movie I saw. Maybe you've heard of him. "Madagascar"? -I'm sorry. What are you doing? -Oh, I want to give you something. I printed out my Facebook statuses from the last six years. -I do not want that. -Oh, Seth. I need to show you something. Do you have like a lighter or matches and like a copy of the Constitution? -We don't have time for this! -Good.

Oh, ah-choo! Oh, I'm sorry, Seth. I must be allergic to indifference. -Oh boy. -Breaking news, Seth. Orphans are twice as likely to have no parents. And there are people in Asia, Seth, like hundreds, okay? Do me a favor, okay? Choose a number between 1 and 10. -Seven. -Mistaken. The answer was genocide. -Well. -So, now, you are the statistics. -The girl you wish you hadn't started a conversation with at a party, everyone. -An outbreak of the Ebola virus continues to spread across West Africa, and the United States and other countries are rushing to help. Here, with her take on this sensitive topic, is the girl you wish you hadn't started a conversation with at a party. -Hello.

Welcome back. -So where have you been? -I went on my birth trip to Israel. -Actually? Are you Jewish? -Wow! The fact that you ask me makes you a gryphon. And no, I'm not Jewish. -Well. So what do you think about this Ebola outbreak? -What do I think about it? Michael, that's all I'm thinking about, okay? I'm thinking about it 25/7, okay? Because this isn't just an outbreak, Michael. -Mm-hmm. -It's outrageous, okay? It's an Obama nation. It's incomprehensible. And these people aren't even sick of Ebola. They are tired of hypocrisy. -No, I think they are also sick with Ebola, which is what we were here to talk about. -Okay, let me explain this to you, in terms you can understand, okay?

Because right now... I'm sorry... but you sound like a broken record. You're being like a fetish dictator, okay? Yuck. Swipe left. Well. Because this might "surprise" you, but most Americans only use 10% of my brain. And, Michael, no offense, but that's how they cross our border. Why are we tied? -Why are we even what? Are we going to talk about Ebola? Because, if not, there are others... -People need to wake up, -Okay. -Miguel! We live in a post-facial society. Walmart, Happy Meals, the Winter Olympics. There are babies in China who don't even know they are adults. And it's like every five minutes, another species. -Another species what? -Exactly.

Pkkhh! I just blew your brains out. I just blew your brains out. And it's like I hate to burn your bubble, but, but if Neil Grass Tyson is so smart, why bite his ear off? I have to give you something. Are you in love with someone right now? Do not say. me. -Well, actually, there is a girl, Jessica, who... -I'm in love with Gandhi! But I'm sure Jessica also discovered India. Who's that boy? -That's Colin. -He looks like my ex. He died at Burning Man. This is an authentic Mexican jumping bean. I bought it at Urban Outfitters.

Devon! Devon! -Who are you yelling at? -Devon. She is my scariest friend. You have very kind eyes. -Thank you. -You are welcome. Can I take a selfie with you? -I guess. -My dad is really going to hate that. -Alright. Girl at a party, everyone. -Devon, no ♪♪