Weekend Update Rewind: Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With (1 of 2)Mar 15, 2020
-It's a joke, okay? It is a born nation. It's like, who do we think we are? And who do you think you are, Seth? Because he guess what. You are not. -I am sorry. What are you talking about? â™ªâ™ª Between Hurricane Sandy and the election on Tuesday, there's a lot to talk about. Here, with his thoughts on these sensitive topics, is the
conversationwith at a party. -As-salamu alaykum, Seth. -Good. -Salam. -It's great to see you again. So what are his thoughts on this busy world of politics? "Okay, I don't have time to think, Seth.
This election is an outrage. It's a joke, okay? It is a born nation. It's like, who do we think we are? And who do you think you are, Seth? Because guess what. You are not. -I am sorry. What are you talking about? -The choice, Seth. Okay, take off the blindfold and listen to what I tell you. -In agreement. -You're so scared, Seth. Like you're so afraid of what everyone thinks of you and you're judging them? You should be ashamed. -Expect. Who am I judging? -Obama, Seth! In agreement? How do you think he handled the hurricane? I thought you did well.
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weekend update rewind girl you wish you hadn t started a conversation with 1 of 2...
Really? Because I thought he did well. But I guess that doesn't matter anymore? They brainwashed you. Did they brainwash me? -Open your eyes, people. Hunger, racism, small business. It's like, "Maybe not." I like to vote or not vote, but take a position. How not to vote Instagram. -Oh. Can we talk about the elections? -In agreement. You know what I love the most, Seth? Benefits. -Benefits? -Bennifer. -Bennifer? Do you love Bennifer? "Okay, Seth, can I sing a black spiritual real fast?" -Nope! -In agreement. Penalty fee. I like him, but my point is that you have to put me in his place, okay?
Do you know how many there are in China, alone? -How many what? -Shoes, Seth. You could line them up and they would go around the Earth three times. -Sorry, the shoes would? - Exactly, Seth. I am in your shoes. And sometimes, they don't even have them. So can I sing a black spiritual, real fast? -Nope! -Penalty fee. Cassidy! Cassidy! -Who are you talking to? -Cassidy! Well, Seth, what were you for Halloween? -I didn't really get dressed. -I was Martin Luther King Jr. -Oh. -So, you went with your face painted black? -Wow! It's the African American face.
And, yes, of course I did. Okay, I need to give you this guy's business card. He designs the Internet. Okay. Seth, when was the last time you actually went to Thailand? -I don't - What? -Okay, you know what? Penalty fee. Just give me your number. -Nope! It's not for me, okay? It's for my friend. She does these massive text messages. -It's okay. -where she sends you 10 jokes every day. It's hilarious and you can't quit. Are you on LinkedIn? -Listen, I have to work very early tomorrow. -America needs to wake up, Seth. There are children out there who don't have parents.
And those parents have no children. So maybe think about that next time. Seth, pick a hand. Move along. Choose one. -In agreement. -Watch? You were both wrong. -The
conversationwith. -Cassidy! Here, with her opinions, is the girl you wish you hadn't started a conversation with at a party. Hi, Seth. Welcome back. -Okay, well, thank you. So, are you excited for the holidays? -Enthusiastic? It disgusts me, Seth. All this commercialism around Christmas? It is an outrage. It's a costume. It's like what are we doing and why? And as. -It really sounds like you're in the Christmas spirit.
Do you mean the Christmas spirit? Oh, right, you don't care about Jesus, because he loves Hallmark. -Oh boy. -You need to wake up and smell the music, Seth. There are homeless people who can't even pay their mortgages. Is that what George Washington had in mind when he founded America? It's like reading something Seth. He learns a book. -Learn it? -Fact: For every five people who are hungry, there are five people who are too full. It's like changing your stomach. And, in fact, for every four men, there are two women. And that's supposed to be acceptable? Nope!
We need bipartisan ships. -Bipartisan ships? Like the ships that are bipartisan? - "Like the ships that are bipartisan?" You need to grow up, Seth. Because there are some people in Africa right now where it's like no. Also, sorry, why can't Secret Santa be openly gay? Hello, it's 2010! Expect. Expect. This...is...not...my...phone. -In agreement. -Seth, can I do a minstrel show, real quick? -Nope! -Okay, okay. You are racist backwards. That's even worse. Ingrid! Ingrid! I hate her. Seth, what did you order for Christmas? - I don't want to tell you. -Relax? I'm just asking you what you want for Christmas. -Okay, well, I was hoping to get the new iPad.
I asked for an end to the genocide. -Oh, come on. -In agreement? So maybe next time you're on your new iPad... -Yeah, yeah, yeah. -...look for how to be a decent human being. -Good. Did you know? I think you should go around and meet other people. -Expect. Give me like 40 more minutes. -No. -I have to show you this thing my friend Trevor made. -I don't...-he's like gay, but he only hangs out with women. It's origami -Oh that's great. -That's Spanish for "goose." -No, it is not. We... We don't have time for this. I think you should go. -Okay, fine, I'm leaving.
But I have 14 words for you, Seth. -Oh boy. -Peace... -Aha. -...fam-i-lia, sustainable agriculture, don't kick pigeons, reading is our future, and minstrel show. Close your eyes, Seth. Clock. -No, I do not want to. -No, close them. Clock. Open the. Wow! Welcome to America, Seth. The girl at a party you wish you hadn't started a conversation with. Well, summer is just around the corner. Here, with her summer vacation plans, is the girl you wish you hadn't started a conversation with at a party. -Welcome back. Thanks. Great to be here. -In agreement. So, Girl at a Party, what are you doing this summer? -Oh I do not know.
Maybe I'm thinking of Syr-i-a. Have you heard much about it? -So, I'm sorry. Are you going to spend the summer thinking about Syria? -Yes. Because people need to wake up, Seth. And also, they need more sleep, okay? There are high school students who can't even point to India on a map of Africa, okay? That is a misfortune. It is a backwardness. It's like why don't you buy knowledge, Seth? Trick question. It's free. -I am sorry. What are you saying? -Okay, don't believe everything you read on TV, Seth. There are 90 year olds dying every day. It's like, "Oh, thank you, Congress." So why don't you jump off a bridge with everyone else, Seth?
Because you are a lemon. -I am sorry. A what? -A lemon. -Are you saying lemming or lemon? -Exactly. Because, to all the intensive porpoises, you are a front. -Very well, can I ask you something that is really happening in the world? -Oh I do not know. Can? Or were you asking if you can? It's called grammar, Seth. Ask for a dictionary. Because guess what. They come to the United States whether they like it or not. -Who is coming? -The cicadas, Seth! So tell me this. True or false? -About? -Exactly. And that's the choice women have to make every day.
And they're getting half to do it. Oh. Alana! Alana! -I am sorry. Who are you talking to? -That's my friend Alana. She is disgusting. Seth, what were you going to do? What did you do for spring break? -Oh, for spring break? Some friends and I went to the Bahamas. -I went to Rwanda, okay? I heard about an amazing hotel there from a movie I saw. Perhaps you have heard of him. "Madagascar"? -I am sorry. What are you doing? Oh, I want to give you something. I printed out my Facebook statuses for the last six years. -I do not want that. - Oh, Seth.
I need to show you something. Do you have like a lighter or matches and like a copy of the Constitution? We don't have time for this! -Penalty fee. Ooh-choo! Oh, I'm sorry, Seth. I must be allergic to indifference. -Oh boy. -Breaking news, Seth. Orphans are twice as likely to be parentless. And there are people in Asia, Seth, like hundreds of them, okay? Do me a favor, okay? Choose a number between 1 and 10. -Seven. -Wrong. The answer was genocide. -In agreement. -So, now, you are the statistic. -The girl you wish you hadn't started a conversation with at a party, everyone. -An outbreak of the Ebola virus continues to spread across West Africa, and the United States and other countries are scrambling to help.
Here, with her interpretation of this touchy subject, is the girl you wish you hadn't started a conversation with at a party. -Hello. Welcome back. -So where have you been? -I went on my birthrate trip to Israel. -In fact? Are you Jewish? -Wow! The fact that you even ask me that makes you a faucet. And, no, I'm not Jewish. -In agreement. So what do you think about this Ebola outbreak? -What do I think about it? Michael, that's all I'm thinking about, okay? I'm thinking about it 25/7, okay? Because this isn't just an outbreak, Michael. -Mm-hmm. It's an outrage, okay?
It's an Obama nation. It's incomprehensible. And these people are not even sick with Ebola. They are fed up with hypocrisy. -No, I think they're also sick with Ebola, which is what we were here to talk about -- -Okay, let me explain this to you, in terms you can understand, okay? Because right now, I'm sorry, but you look like a broken record. You're being like a fetish dictator, okay? Yuck. Swipe left. Okay. Because this might "surprise" you, but most Americans only use 10% of my brain. And, Michael, no offense, but that's how they're coming across our border. Why are we even? -Why are we even what?
Are we going to talk about Ebola? Because, if not, there is another... -People need to wake up, -Okay. -Miguel! We are living in a post-facial society. Walmart, Happy Meals, the Winter Olympics. There are babies in China who don't even know they are adults. And it's like every five minutes, another species. -Another species what? -Exactly. Pkkhh! I just blew your brains out. I just blew your brains out. And it's like I hate to burn your bubble, but, but if Neil Grass Tyson is so smart, why is he biting that guy's ear off? I have to give you something.
Are you in love with someone right now? Do not say. me. -Well, actually, there's a girl, Jessica, who... -I'm in love with Gandhi! But I'm sure Jessica also discovered India. Who's that boy? -That's Colin. -He looks like my ex. He died at Burning Man. This is an authentic Mexican jumping bean. I got it at Urban Outfitters. Devon! Devon! -Who are you yelling at? -Devon. She is my scariest friend. You have very kind eyes. -Thank you. -No problem. Can I take a selfie with you? -I guess. -My dad is really going to hate that. -Good. Girl at a party, everyone. -Devon, no â™ªâ™ª
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