Ricky Gervais Greatest 5 Live 2007

What an incredible welcome. As far as I'm concerned, it's great to be in London. The tour starts now, so thank you, thank you, thank you. I say the tour starts apart from Scotland, Brighton and Birmingham. I did a few benefit concerts during the year. Warmart I know what you're thinking right away Ricky ha Are you still doing things for charities? Shut up, but you're being too safe. No, no, no, no, how much did I raise just for cancer last year? It doesn't matter friend, it doesn't give us a ballpark figure oh Millions, it was millions and they are welcome, but I will say this: if I ever get cancer, I will go to the nearest hospital and leave. right, I paid for that machine, take that little daring off, talking about bald.

I did the teen cancer concert, kind of like that at the Albert Hall last year. He had done it two years earlier too. I did it in 2004, but they called. again last year we're still sick you lasted well so no it's a big concert and the kids with cancer get released and everything and um yeah you meet them afterwards and stuff and I was doing the concert for the last time last year and I looked I crouched down and recognized one of them. I thought, oh yeah, he came backstage two years ago, he was telling me about his illness and he said he was 18 and that was two years ago, so he must be 20 now, so why?

I was still a teenager, you know what I mean, lying a little, he wasn't lying about cancer, he was plagued by it, he laughed, but he shouldn't have, and I was doing the concert and he was laughing and I was thinking , if you. Laugh mate, he was furious and it was too much for me. I'm human, so I said okay, buddy. I admit you came backstage two years ago, yeah, you said you were 18, then yeah, then you're 20, now he said, yeah. He said: come out, come out. I called security. He fought but he was weak. They had worked.

You could see that, although they had trouble aging him to begin with, and then they put him in no and the drip of him almost has someone's. look out I'm going to take it out the crowd started booing I went to hear that they don't want to see someone like you bother me. I did a big benefit concert in New York last year for autism and, like most people, my only experience. autism until recently he was Dustin Hoffman's shining petal in Rainman but I've just got a new house and the neighbors were coming and poking their noses we're doing some building work and we need planning permission so we're being nice to him Once in a while they can go out through the front door and a couple has an autistic son and the mother was talking to me and said: oh, this is Douglas, he's 17 years old, he doesn't have any friends because he never goes out and I'm very secretive. and I said, well, I'll take him out.

She said, yeah, so I came back on Saturday and she said, "Oh, he loves the zoo and the zoo is only a mile from this new house, so I'm walking down the street." um with Douglas and he's like that, he doesn't take his eyes off his mother until the end, he's like that until the end and she's at the door and she waves back and she's crying and she finally leaves and then He closes the door and I took a taxi and said, "Okay, take us to the casino." You have to make it work for you, so it won't be a completely wasted day.

You know what I mean? And I can hire a person. So I signed it up I had a little suit and I all thought it was going to be brilliant so I went straight to the Black Jack table which is the best. I don't think I'm a doctor, but I think that's what they love. I love that. I said, "Okay, Douge, you know the score, but two for good and one for bad, do you understand that he was, yes, I was brilliant, about a big loss in half an hour, I was double, do that, count the cards, you know what good cards." Come on, remember all the cards, that thing, whatever it is, is correct and tell me about two forever.

He was, yes, yes, another big minus. I thought what kind of autistic, so he was confused. I threw some toothpicks on the carpet. I said how many. I went I don't know I said there are seven I can see all seven from here We got lost so I took him home I went to the mother There has been a mistake This He walks like the rain man but there is nothing intelligent about him I did charity I worked before I was Famously, when I was working at the students' union at the University of London, one of the first big charities I got involved with was the Teren Higgins Trust, the big old charity, and it was in the mid to late 80s and People were like what is this new thing called AIDS?

What am I? It's gone from strength to strength now doing it it's doing it brilliantly it's gone Global doing very it has its own day and everything December 1st World AIDS Day I don't think it will get better again Like at Christmas, we don't do anything in our house, there are no decorations , but I discovered something that you are still learning. The first HIV virus was a combination of two separate viruses that were combined into Recess Monkeys and you made this rudimentary form of ains and uh. It was vital for them, but this has already happened, a chimpanzee sometimes chimpanzees are bloodthirsty and eat a reesus monkey and it evolved and mutated in chimpanzees and because we are 98.6% genetically identical to a chimpanzee, it was possible pass to humans. and the first human got AIDS when he was cutting chimpanzee meat and cut his finger, although that's the excuse I would have given you, you'd have to make it up Summer, wouldn't you go to the doctor?

Oh, I feel terrible. doc doctor says I'm not surprised you're going I'm worse than me you wish you had me you shouldn't laugh at him he has terrible news no um terrible doctor you're the first human being to get AIDS that's how bad it can still be laughing I should be how would I have gotten that from two ways? one you were in the ass the CH the ass I no way H how else could I have gotten it oh I don't know, you could have been cutting up a chimpanzee? up, cut off that finger, cut, choppy, chimpanzee, finger one, I bet he went straight to the jungle and found that chimpanzee and left, you gave me AIDS, oh, what did you give me AIDS, I made you shut up, no , I contracted AIDS from you, well, from where?

I contracted AIDS from eating monkeys. I don't eat monkeys. Either you eat them or they eat them. I was eating them, that's how it happened, always learning the most recognizable famous face on planet Earth. The Queen of England must be horrible. I mean. just worrying about things like that, public bathrooms, I wouldn't do it, I'd put up with it all day. I hate public toilets, they are the worst places on Earth and I'm not just talking about the inner city ones, the underground ones, where you have to outrun pedophiles and homeless people, I mean you know you can be in a pub Quite nice isn't it, velvet seats, oil paintings, white wine,

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liness on the jukebox, good conversation of course, kab was an absolute gen, just goes to L, what the hell, just piss? everyone who's done this and it's a little bit of urine that can't just be dripping, that would be a thousand years of dripping, someone in a cat comes and then you're there and you're like, oh my God, the inch of that.

It doesn't matter in the shoe, but don't let it go into the sock. I can't stand other people's socks, that night is over, so you're thinking, "Oh my God, and keep your pants out of this." then you think, oh my God, what is that, I have to throw that without a chain, I have to go on top of that, who is stealing the locks, who is stealing the locks from a cubicle, who is so desperate that he breaks in with a screwdriver , I'm going to build my own toilet one day, that saved me a pound and they are small, how do they get away with the toilet seat?

Isn't that right, friend? Did you come in with that toilet seat? It's ridiculous. you're there now in this hell hole in Piss holding your pants you've got holding the lock there's not enough hands holding the door closed and you're like "OMG this, but you can always find toilet paper, it's usually crumpled up in a bun and shoved in the strange hole who is making the holes in the sides of who makes those that M can you see someone so desperate that he has done it through the MDF with his teeth and there is a a h who invented that who was I love it I hate the faces I I'm going to make a hole and I'm going to sit there and someone is going to put their hand through it and I'm going to start and they did it How did people know the trick?

How did they do it or did someone just get in? there innocently one day using the potty and see, there's a hole there probably for me, isn't there? Yeah, I don't know how these things start. Me at school with this guy, right, I was a div kid. um no, he was, I talk about him on my other two stand-up shows, his name was David Beasley, he's the one who said that if cannibals capture you when they're cooking you in the pot, they show you pornographic photos so that get a boner and there's more meat to go around, but he also told me a very funny story.

There was a scandal in this kind of neighborhood. A guy a few doors down from him who was older than him. An older boy had been prosecuted for lewd behavior. He was flirting. He was a gay guy and he had gone down to a public toilet in Cemeter Junction, which is an area of ​​Reding, and he had gone into a cubicle, he had a hole in there and he was waiting for people to come out, he waited. years and finally someone came in creaking, grabbed him, they can't escape, so I guess I've never tried it, right?, he sucked it, what do you think he was going to do to play London's Burning of course?

This floss is big, of course it is, so you got it, he sucked it and when they both came out it was his father, oh, all the Colgates in the world would never get rid of that, which one of them told that in the city? Honey, I'm home, good morning, yes, I saw Toby, how was he? He was fine. One of the traumas of becoming famous was owning your reputation. It remains the most important thing for anyone, whatever path of life, whatever you stay in, whatever you do, to have a reputation. and I think about all those people who did a great job and then someone started a terrible rumor about them like Richard Gear, someone just said that one day he shoves Geral up his ass, why would he do that?

He was in Pretty Woman, would he leave the set? Go home and go, oh Julia Roberts is lovely, but you have a j in your eye, why would she? And if she did, how would we know? Wouldn't you stay so close to your chess? You know what I mean, what did he do? to a journalist and keep this under you in um, I like to shove JBL up my nervous ass or the Pet Shop man called the p and that's it. Richard Gear just came in and bought a Geral, so he'll probably shove it up his ass.

Can I give myself 100 pounds? The thing is, of course, he doesn't put Geral up his ass. I know, but these things come in and I know it's garbage, but if I knew him, if he was at his house and he was really nice. I met you and he had a gero, I would take you twice and he would see me go what I go, nothing just a general, he goes, yes, I go a pet, he goes exactly, I go H, but when he went to the kitchen , I would have to check it, see, yes, unsweetened milk and I would sneak up, lift the lid and take the little one out.

You have to check it is the only way to really check it because they can't catch it. Perfect Crime they really can't, you know what I mean, they can't call Esther Ranson, it's my turn again, so do you remember the one about Mark Olman who was taken to the hospital with cramps, they pumped his stomach and found 10 different types of sailors? in his stomach what doctor is this I hope you feel better tomorrow Mark, let's take a look one that is also different who is counting the sperm from the stomach who has it and the rumor that accompanied it to validate the story was that Mark had just taken an alignment of sailors what sailors were these they left Portsmouth and left, oh I have to dance, I've been at sea for 2 years, my balls are flying, I need a woman, no, no, here comes the soft sell, that suits me good.