MY POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION STORY II RAW AND EMOTIONAL

Hello guys, welcome back to my channel. I'm actually really nervous about filming this. I'm going to try not to edit this video too much. I wanted to be as raw and honest as possible. I don't have a very similar structure to my other videos. I always edit videos and cut my arms and hands, and if I mispronounce a word, I say it again and delete it. I'll try not to do that in this video because I want it to look like I'm having a real conversation with you and I just think I'm here alone. Louise is asleep and the other two kids are outside with my husband and I just want to open up to you and talk to you about something I have.

I struggled with this in the past I guess this won't be a very happy video but I just have a happy ending. I can get

emotional

, I can get or I just don't want to talk about certain things that I don't know, I'm just going to wink at you. I didn't practice this or rehearse it too much in my head about how I was going to talk about it. I was just going to talk about it like I'm talking to my friends, so today I'm going to talk about my

postpartum

depression

with my second child. I recently had my third baby.

If you are new to my channel, I have three children. Ethan, who is six years old. Amelia, who had p3 in May and then Eloise, who just turned three months old. I see. I've already started stuttering. I usually don't know what I would edit. I recently had my third, but when I had my second, go back in time, when I had Amelia, I had

postpartum

depression

, and I actually had it pretty quickly. So postpartum depression can be very different for many people and a lot of times people confuse postpartum depression with baby blues, which I think almost all of us do with baby blues.

I know I've already faced it with my third baby, but I know. the difference between that and postpartum depression because I've dealt with more closed depression before also disclaimer, you know, I really thought about this video. I am not a doctor and I am not here to give medical advice if you think you are suffering from depression or postpartum depression or anything like that I advise you to talk to a doctor about it and they will help you. I'm just telling my

story

. I'm not trying to give any kind of advice or I guess medical advice to anyone, but the only advice that I can give is to get help from a doctor and yes, but anyway, when d'emilia was born, I really did.

I clicked with her instantly, I had an instant click with her, a bond with her and it was very special, but I want let's say around 2 or 3 months, I think it started to change in me and I say in me because I never want her to find this video and feel like she was the problem because she wasn't. Oh my god, I'm really going to cry. Okay, and I think the reason I've refrained from talking about this is because I wanted to keep it from her because I don't want her jury to feel that her mother wasn't happy because of her.

Pause. My depression is a hormonal issue. a chemical imbalance in your body has nothing to do with the child and they think it took me a long time to realize it because I didn't get help for a long time because I thought I was the problem and I thought there was something wrong with me. I was like two minutes into the video and I started crying. That's why I don't talk about this much because I don't like to be

emotional

. Well, after about two months, things started to change. in me and when I did, the change started slowly and I felt like I was being lazy.

I really didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to get in the shower. I didn't want to do anything. around my house at first I thought I was exhausted, which is normal to be exhausted when you have a baby, but then I quickly realized it was more than just being exhausted or lazy or whatever I literally didn't want. Getting out of bed felt like the way I can best describe it: I had like a ton of bricks wrapped around me and I only weighed a ton and like even getting out of bed was a struggle for me, I was going to do it. my baby and feeding her was a struggle for me and I didn't want to do it like the truth I did it because I had to do it I fed my children because I had to feed him I cleaned my house because that's what I had to do not because I wanted to do it and um I just kept it to myself for a long time.

I didn't tell him that. I didn't tell my husband. I didn't tell my mom. I kept it to myself because I just thought it was a mental battle and I had to deal with it and get over it and now it would get better, not better, it actually got worse and with that, exactly what I thought in the time was exhausting and it was just me. lazy. I had a lot of anxiety and they have always been an anxious person by nature. Here I am. I worry a lot about things. I've always been like this since I was very young, but this thing.

This type of anxiety reached another level, it was anxiety and I was very paranoid and it became so bad that I didn't leave my house. I was too afraid to leave my house. I will not go into details. of this because I don't want this video to trigger anyone. I just don't want to go into too much detail, but visually I would like to have scenes in my head of something terrible happening to my children. the house like someone had kidnapped them or worse, just vivid vivid thoughts in my head about terrible things happening to my kids, I would think about it too much and have panic attacks, start crying and call my husband simply being like that.

I know the kids aren't safe and so he would have to beg them to be okay, but I kept a lot of that to myself too. I would only call him when I was having a really bad panic attack and he would just think about it. Was I anxious? Neither he nor I were ever educated about postpartum depression. I don't think he even knew what postpartum depression was. I had heard about it in the past, but I refused to accept the fact that he had it because since the cases I did here, I always heard extremely terrible cases of moms who did horrible things.

My camera got hot and turned off for a moment. What was he saying? But yeah, I just refused to accept the fact that he had postpartum depression. I didn't want to have it, I felt like I was, I was very ignorant at the top, I just thought that it just meant you weren't a good mother and you weren't a fit father and I just wasn't having it and that's it. It's not true at all, so if you have it, don't think about this because I thought about it for a long time for a few months. It's actually like trying to organize my thoughts because I'm trying to remember things that I actually have.

I blocked it out because I'm so much better and I'm such a different person than I was then that I really blocked out that past because it's something I don't like to dwell on or think about too much because it was such a difficult time in my life. I also remember refusing help. I didn't call my mom for help and it's not like she refused to help me. My mom has always been there to help me and she always told me that she could help me. I just didn't call for help. I didn't really want the help to be honest.

She just wanted to prove to myself that I can do it on my own and that didn't help me at all because it just made me feel bad. I became more stressed and upset in the future. I didn't get any help from anyone, it was just me. I refuse to accept the fact that I even had something resembling postpartum depression. I thought I was just having a hard time and became very anxious and paranoid and got to the point where I wasn't sleeping at night. I would wake up several times a night to check that my house was designed to check that my children's windows were closed and that way no one would like to come in and get them I became very paranoid, I was very afraid in my own house for no reason, like there was nothing out there threatening me or threatening my children.

I just felt scared and it was such an unnatural feeling that I didn't sleep well and I just felt like something horrible was going to happen and I didn't tell anyone because I felt like it sounded crazy and it got to a point where I was too afraid to bathe my children. children because I was afraid that something would happen to them. in the bathroom and like I said, I don't want to go into too much detail, but you guys can put things together. I was afraid for them and I have never been like that. I take care of my children when we go out. and it is what it is but I was afraid to leave my house I didn't go anywhere unless I had to go somewhere and order a word at once I had to go with my husband because I was afraid to do it alone and For a long time I didn't leave the house during the week.

I was just staying home and I think that didn't really help. I think staying home made things a lot worse. I was home all day alone with two children. I didn't really have many friends. At that time I only had one very, very good friend and I think she could even tell you, Camellia. I even excluded her for a while. I didn't talk to anyone. I really went out and just did my thing and thought I could do it all by myself and I wanted to prove to myself that she was the best mom and I didn't know she was a really good mom.

I just needed help. but after two months of having a lot of anxiety and panic attacks, things got worse and I started having a lot of self-doubt and self-hatred. Like me, I refused to look in the mirror because I felt like I looked like shit and I felt like my kids had enough and I wasn't enough for them. I don't know how that happened all of a sudden, sorry guys. my camera keeps going off because I'm talking to him to honk and he keeps going so I'm not trying to edit this video too much like he said but that's why you guys will see some cuts, what was he saying?

I felt a lot of self-hatred and just didn't like how I felt or how I looked. I didn't like my life. I didn't like anything about myself for some reason and it wasn't like anyone had told me that. Do you know or someone I don't know what things were going well in my life and my marriage, my children I loved them very much but I was not happy and I felt like I was being very ungrateful with my life I also felt there Something was wrong with me I guess I won't go into it. a lot of details about that because I really don't want to go back to that time in my life because it's really Stila, it's really very difficult for me, but to move forward from that.

Things got worse because I couldn't get out of bed and not taking care of myself properly because I made sure my children were taken care of even if I didn't want to, even if I was tired or what I thought. I was tired it really was my struggles but I made sure they were taken care of I made sure my kids were good but I was a mess everything about me was a mess I was so unhappy with my life I was so emotional all the time you couldn't tell me things, my husband could barely talk to me without me without breaking down because basically I was just exploding and having so many emotions and it was like okay I'm sorry for even saying it if you think about you.

And you know, we associated that with just me being tired with two kids and I think Emily was already like four months old at that point and she had started YouTube at that point and she was really good at pretending that she was fine. It was very good. I'm happy for everyone else and I'm putting on a happy face now. I have suffered from depression in the past growing up. I've had it before, but it was very different because this time it was like it was me, only not. I don't know how to explain it, I still don't know how to put it into words in this video, but it was just very different than normal depression post a very different previous depression because I felt like I couldn't click with my baby and that was very difficult, I think it was so when I had a big breaking point when I couldn't click with Amelia and that's where things got very difficult for me when I looked at her and said, but I love you because Naturally, you love your children, but I don't know how to take care of them. you and I remember almost feeling like I didn't really connect with her and that actually happened, like I said, three, four months later.

Sorry if I'm all over the place, I'm trying to remember things and this is the part that really gets me excited, I felt like she almost wasn't her mother, oh my god I can't believe it. I'm saying that, but I know I am. I am her mother. I gave birth to her but I felt so disconnected from her and couldn't really feed her much and I breastfed her but I didn't really want to. Um and that was it, sometimes I feel like I was looking at someone else, not my son, and I hate saying that out loud because I love her with everything in me and I love my kids with everything in me. and I love them.

She and I were like, I love you, but I just don't know what's going on. I can't click with you. I can't bond with you right now and that was very difficult for me and when I started experiencing that I really thought there was something wrong with me and I don't know what happened to me because I have never been a suicidal person. I've never attempted my life before, um, or attempted my life before. It is a high heritage. I don't know when I realized it. that I wasn't joining her and that I was very disconnected, those are really the only two words I can really express because I still don't have the words to express what I was feeling back then.

I completely shut down and just thought I was worthless before I really convinced myself I was worthless at all and decided that if I couldn't be a good mother, it was nothing that I didn't need to be in this world that no one needed me. I convinced myself that my children would be better off without me and that my mother or my mother who was locked up come in, oh my God, and take care of them because I was not good for them and I convinced myselfof this and it was horrible it was literally like the worst thing I could do to myself and I convinced myself that my kids would be happier without me and that the devil is a lie because that's not true um I hate being crying.

I finally talked to my husband and told him what he was feeling, we still couldn't like each other. He said he didn't know what postpartum depression was, so he didn't say you have it. post-party depression he said, okay, you're not okay right now and you should get help, we should get new help and I was really afraid to get help because I thought they were going to judge me and I thought someone was going to take my children away. children. of me and thinking that she was not a good mother and I already told myself that she was a good mother.

Not everyone else was going to think that I'm not a good mother, so at first I refused to seek help and told him no, I'll just do it. do it at home and I'm going to get better on my own and I'm going to try not to think about these things and I'm just going to put them aside and I'm going to ignore the negative thoughts and the negative feelings and I'm going to get better on my own and that was a big mistake. . I was really bad. My problems with myself still grew and became stronger every day.

I didn't bond with my son and felt like he wasn't meant to. being her mom almost or like I didn't deserve her I felt like I didn't deserve to be her mom um that was stronger and I felt like I was going crazy I really felt like I was going crazy I had a mental battle it was like everything mental it was like I was fighting inside out of my head I couldn't really express myself in two words I still feel like in this video I can't really express myself I can't put things into words because it's It's very difficult to express and put things into words.

This is actually very difficult when you're having this mental battle and not going into a lot of detail because it's something I still hate to admit and kept secret for a long time. a long time ago, very few people know this, some people will find out after this video of this game, when a million was about five months old or something like that. Everything is blurry, it's very blurry. I tried to kill myself, fortunately, my husband. He saved me, that's really the only one, I just try not to make this too big. I've never seen this out loud because I hate to admit that this happened to me and that I went through this, but I'm not going to go into details like you.

I said about how or what I did or any of that is nobody's business I really obviously didn't move on. I'm here today but I made an attempt on my life and that was definitely the moment my husband realized I wasn't okay. I really realized that I was not well and he and many things happened, plus we would fight a lot. I think I should also mention that it was taking a toll on our marriage, we would fight a lot and I blamed him a lot for the problems I was having and he didn't really understand where all this was coming from so we were already having problems before this so I wanted to add that It wasn't just like, oh wait, he knew things weren't right, but I think this thing that happened with me doing this was a big eye-opener for him and he realized that I wasn't going to get help on my own, that somehow way he had to make me get help and he gave me an ultimatum: he told me that if you don't get help, I will leave you and take our children and at first when he told me that, I was so angry, I just hated him for doing that to me, I felt like He was so cruel, I felt like he was.

I'm not understanding. I felt like he wasn't giving me a choice, but I think that's what he had to do at that moment because he couldn't drag me to go get help. I'm an adult, but he also said, "I'm not going to sit down." Coming back and watching you destroy your life, then he told me and not only did he tell me, obviously there was a big conversation, there were a lot of tears. I don't want to say too much about his part because that's his privacy and you know. that conversation is private but it was very emotional, it was not an easy conversation for him to have with me and he had never discussed divorce before, but he was practically telling me that he would leave me, that he was divorcing me if I didn't go and get help and He said if you get help I'll be with you, I'll take time off work and go to all your doctor's appointments with you, we'll go to therapy and do what we need to do as a team. but I liked that I said I'm not going to sit back and watch you destroy your life and I'm not going to let my children watch their mother destroy her life and obviously I chose my family because that's what the world means to me until this. day, they are my life and um, I hate when I cry, the thought of not having my family with me would kill me like that, literally, it would kill me and I decided to get help and we actually called and I got an appointment the next day. day because it was something urgent and my husband expressed that his wife was having suicidal thoughts and they immediately wanted to see me, so I went the next day and I think a lot of people think that they are going to be judged and belittled.

Not me, my doctors were amazing. They welcomed me with open arms. They didn't treat me like I was fragile. They talked to me and told me this was very normal and they diagnosed me. with postpartum depression and I was put on medication, which I'm not going to reveal what medications I was prescribed because, again, I don't want to talk about it, um, but I was put on medication for a while and honestly, that was the best I could get. What happened was that I started seeing my doctor regularly. However, I didn't get therapy because once I started taking the medication, I saw a lot of help.

I mean, I saw a lot of changes in myself. I'm not saying therapy isn't a good idea maybe I should have done therapy. But I didn't do it, but that's what they advised me to do, which was therapy and medication and surrounding myself with people. Once I got home from the doctor and we picked up my medication. The next step was to tell my mom and I called my mom and I just said mommy I need you and and um the next day she came and I told her everything I was feeling and I really was, I don't know why I was I was afraid to tell her. my mom because my mom has always been a super mom and I don't think people tell her this, but she has been an amazing mom and I was just afraid to tell her that I didn't want her to judge me or because she thought there was something wrong with me. me, which there was, but you know what I mean, um and again, not against a lot of personal details on her part, but she just hugged me and told me that she had dealt with a lot of similar things. when she had me and my brothers and she 100% related to me and how she wished I had come to her sooner and I wish I had because I think she would help me she helped me a lot so when that happened my mom did end up coming almost for an entire month almost every day to help me be my support system to listen to me, she made me promise that if I ever felt any type of negative thought about myself or myself as a mother, I would please let her know. and talk to her about it that she would never judge me and she never has and I know why I was so afraid to tell her because my mom is not a close person, but it's very easy to talk to my mom, but I was so afraid of judgment.

I just didn't want to disappoint her. I didn't want him to think that she wasn't a good mother and I wanted him to know that she did a good job raising me. That was hard and then I told him that the two most important people were my husband and my mom, and they were here helping me the whole time until things got better, my medications started working, and just being able to talk openly with my husband and all the moms about it really helped me. I want to say I dealt with it for about seven months straight.

I had postpartum depression and then I finally felt like myself. I know I haven't dealt with it since. I haven't even dealt with depression since. I'm leaving out a lot of details. because I still want to keep a lot of that stuff private if this video reaches someone who is currently struggling with this or if you don't know that you have this when you think you have postpartum depression or if you know that you think. you have this or whatever the case may be, I just want you to know, like I said, I'm not a doctor, I can't diagnose you, but I want you to know that you are loved and that you are important and the people in your life need you your children need you and there is no one in this world that can replace you no one is going to do your job better thank you and right now you may think that you are worthless you may feel that you are not being the best parent that your children are better off without you or you may even feel that your children are not They need him he feels like he doesn't love himself anymore my depression he may have a very mild case or he may have a very serious case like mine I said: I don't know, I can't diagnose you, but I can tell you that your family and your children love you, you have a support system, you won't be judged, this is normal if you get help from your doctor, which I believe.

I really recommend it, they will make you feel like it's okay, they will get you the help, they will give you the help that you need and once you get that help, things will get a lot better, but you need to get it. help and you need to work hard and you need to accept the fact that you need help and that's what took me so long to accept and things could have been better if I had gotten help beforehand but things had to be fixed. worse before they got better for me and if you can avoid all that heartbreak and the big mess and have your family involved and everyone worried about you I would actually go back and get help before things get worse but I know you are amazing and you are the best mom.

You're going through it right now. Your body is having some kind of imbalance and just needs a little help. That's pretty much all I can say and I know this video was. It's not a very happy video, but I wanted to raise awareness about postpartum depression and I wanted people to know that it's normal and that it's okay to go through this and that it doesn't define you as a person or as a mother, you're just going through something that Many women go through it and unfortunately sometimes we are too afraid to talk about it. I know I was afraid to speak.

I'm still afraid to talk about it sometimes and I don't really tell my

story

to many people. of people but I saw that everyone knows that today I am a different person I am happy and I know that one of my biggest fears when having a third baby was to go through this again so far we are fine I feel very happy with my life I feel very happy with my baby and I came back after. I had depression from my close friend. I instantly bonded with Amelia again. Everything was an imbalance in my body. I don't really know how to say it like a doctor said it, so no.

I don't quote myself on things, but once I got the help I needed, I immediately started bonding with her and clicking with her and to this day I have such a special connection with her that they believe it's because of what I went through. I love her so much I love all my kids but I love her so much but I hope this video helps at least one of you guys just need a friend feel free to text me. I try to answer as much as I can. Yeah, I would say I hope you enjoyed this video, but it wasn't a very enjoyable video, but I hope it got through.

I hope you guys, I hope this video helps you get to know me a little better. my story and connecting with me on another level and I hope this brings more awareness and I'll leave some numbers and links below to some hotlines and stuff like that, if anyone needs help, know all that. I hope you have a wonderful day and I will see you next time goodbye