Ricky Gervais Could be a Philosopher

restricting births, there are all these poor pedophiles and Let's go where all the kids like you know me, we're going to have to double up here and I just thought of a joke, so I can't do it, it's actually too offensive, okay, okay, okay Okay, I'll do it. do it, but remember, remember, you can't choose your own thoughts, okay, and I just thought right CH, okay, Chinese pedophile, Chinese pedophile, sees a Chinese kid and says, do you want a puppy? and the child says: I'm not hungry. We're going to be the first generation that future generations are jealous of, right?

Because we had it all and we are using it all. We are using all the fresh water. We are using all the fossil fuel. look back in history and feel sorry for yourself, oh how did they live like this? Oh, how did they manage? There are no indoor bathrooms. I have nine bathrooms in my house, um, and sometimes I just run around flushing the toilet for a laugh. that in 40 years Greta Thumberg leaves through a window. I have 28 radiators. I always have them on maximum, then I put the air conditioning on maximum and it stabilizes at about 20°.

Beautiful, that's how the cat likes it. She loves it. at 20° and I spoil my cat um I love cats I love having a cat I think cats are great but if you let them out they bring home the most disgusting things last week mine brought home a scouser with herpes and He wasn't quite dead so I had to grab him by the legs and slam his head on the table oh thank God for Ricky dvas the first time I met you was at the Golden Gloves yeah you came to uh don't you remember there's no No, in my defense, there were a ton of people coming and it was crazy.

I didn't think you'd be left alone when I came. Why did we come? People say: Is there anything you shouldn't joke about? And I don't believe. I just think it depends on what the joke is. I think comedy comes from a good or bad place and I was just joking with them, you know, and it wasn't a room full of wounded soldiers, these are the richest and most privileged people in the world. world, you know, speaking of all you perverts, it was a great year, it was a great year for pedophile movies, um, surviving R Kelly, leaving Neverland, two dads, shut up, shut up, I don't care, I don't care It matters, the first joke I thought when I said yes to hosting the Golden Globes.

I wanted to go out and welcome the Golden Globes. Why is this show like an elephant? unpleasant for all these lovely important people and by the fifth time, yes, give it to them, yes, these people are sick of some kind of virtual celebrity sign telling them what to do and you know, it's a lot of fun in recent years. I've seen it, I've seen the change where you know regular people were getting tired of billionaires telling them to recycle when everyone knew they were doing it, flying around in private jets and limousines and, uh, uh, I think That was the highlight, you know, with the last Golden Globes I did, where people just got sick, why them, why us, why, with nothing, watching people with everything you know? as a platform to make a political speech well, you are not in a position to lecture the public about anything.

You don't know anything about the real world. Most of you spent less time in school than Greta Thumberg, so if you win, accept your little prize. thank your agent and your God and so on but someone should read the script before continuing um it's uh I do it I say I'm going to say I don't have to rehearse and they and they say it's okay but I do it I have to tell a lawyer right before we continue, yes, okay, and does the lawyer force you to change something or not? Because I know I know the law, who was harder to handle a group of dogs in the park, a group of kids on your show or maybe a group of celebrities at the Golden Gloves you have to get their attention at the Globes?

Gold, you know? I have to come out and say shut up, listen and while there is a threat that I might upset one of them. then listen, they're great, yeah, um, oh, the Golden Globes, there you go, oh, who cares, look at them all, look at them all, they were asking for it with their good skin and hair on a serious note, just look at all the faces here remember. He tells me something about the great work that cosmetic surgeons have done this year. You know, we haven't really seen you since the Golden Globes, where you had a low profile.

Yeah, well, they attacked you, but they said you were mean and rude. You were surprised by what surprised you. Let me read one of the things they thought was rude. I'm surprised they attacked me for that, although yes, exactly. Let me read one thing they thought was bad and we'll decide if that's true. Was it bad or not good, I mean Sex in the City too. You said you were sure the Golden Globe would go to the team that touched up that poster. There were many important films that were not nominated this year. Nothing for Sex. in the city too um no, I was sure that the Golden Globe for special effects would go to the team that retouched that poster um well, little sexist no, no, why is it sexist?

Well, because the girl you are saying that girls are older and need to be no I don't think they look very good at their age why hide it oh I don't think I don't think you lose your sensuality or your beauty because you reach 53 I'm saying why What are they hiding it do you think Kate you must have been in the audience of any of Ricky Gold's cloes several times. I think he shows you in one of them. I think when you're talking to me about Jeffrey Epstein, you

could

watch the entire first season of Afterlife instead of watching this. shows that it's a show about a man who wants to commit suicide because his wife dies of cancer and it's even funnier than this good spoiler.

Season 2 is on the way, so in the end he obviously didn't commit suicide like Jeffrey Epstein. Shut up, I know he's your friend, but I don't care, it's always wonderful to be nominated and awarded, but if you take it too seriously, you're on a slippery slope, if you really think you know you are, you are anything. especially when you win an award, you just won an award, that's all there was, you know it among a few people and you won the award, so, yeah, you know, it's the same thing with these honors lists when I see actors and people knowing you . mbes and obes and C for doing something they loved, that should go to nurses, soldiers and people who have truly sacrificed their entire lives.

I just, you know, don't get me started, don't get me started on celebrities, it's an It's an honor to be here, in a room full of what I consider to be the most important people on the planet. Actors are just better than ordinary people, aren't they? No, we all know it. Imagine a world. without actors, oh god, you can't think to imagine if they ever went on strike, oh what would we do, you

could

n't replace them, you couldn't replace it with any other profession, lawyers or doctors, can you imagine a real surgeon doing what Hugh Iri does at home.

He would be pathetic. He would be everywhere. Oh, where am I? How's my American accent? What are my lines? You know, with the help of the coaches. Stu is eventually able to learn his lines as he saves lives. He's a genius, but actors aren't just loved here in Hollywood, they're loved all over the world because they're recognizable, you can be anywhere you could be in the third world, okay, and you can catch a glimpse of a Hollywood star and It makes you feel better, okay? You could be a little kid, an Asian kid with no possessions or money, but you see a picture of Angelina Jolie and you think, Mommy, I didn't do this again, you'll see why I didn't do it for her.

Do it, um, I was going to come up and say that this year the awards are all about diversity, our presenters represent all races, religions and sexualities. Tonight we have spicy Bill Cosby, Harvey Weinstein and Kevin and this year we are ultra inclusive. all the presenters what are your preferred pronouns, so please welcome, Mel Gibson, there are all the jokes that I wrote for the Golden Globes, some I didn't use, I didn't use that one because no, it's not, there's one that could . I didn't use it because I got a couple of jokes. I said. I only used one.

It was a joke about the Irishman, the main cast, all in their 70s. Hallucination was the father figure at 79. Apparently he spent the entire shoot telling it. Joe pesi to cut his hair and turn down the music, a bit silly, no, not shocking enough, um, what else? um uh, right here one that I thought wasn't quite right because he was being honest. It's like Tom Hanks getting the CES beill award. Uh, for being basically Hol's nicest man in Hollywood, no one has a bad word to say about him and I can see why he's so considerate or even folds his own sheet after Clan meetings, even when he's crazy about the cocaine and meth now I don't think that would have been very well received um uh there's another one that I thought I shouldn't do because she was being honored um uh Ellen uh receiving the award uh uh still she's the nicest woman in America, even She felt the wrath of social justice warriors when they saw her approach George W.

One headline said Ellen loves Bush. We know it well. You can see why I didn't make those jokes. She would have done him better than that. I worked on them but you know.