Fluffy Goes To India | Gabriel Iglesias

Martina and I just got back from India, yeah, so let me tell you, I started posting on Facebook and Twitter that we were going to go out and do these shows and then people started messaging me asking what I was going to do in the first place. Will they understand you in India? Will they understand English? Well, can they follow your stories? Once we got there, I discovered that there are more people who speak English in India than in the entire United States. and Canada together you could also include Mexico for extra credit because there are a lot of people and yes, they have the Internet, they got the Internet, they got Bollywood, they got Hollywood, they understand American culture much more than we understand theirs, the second thing that people tried. to warn me about going there, Gabriel, be careful, India is a third world country, don't drink Indian water, it contains parasites that will make you very sick, don't eat street people's food, especially meat from the street. street.

It contains a parasite that will make you very sick and most importantly there is a lot of crime there, don't stay out late when the sun

goes

down. I wonder if it's that bad, so let me clarify this. a lot of crime don't stay out late don't eat any of the food from the street vendors and don't drink the water why does that sound familiar to you that's Mexico when Martina and I got there we discovered that Indians and Mexicans have a lot in common guys, I tell them it's crazy how similar we are, especially in food, the food is very similar, for example, Mexicans love tortillas.

Indians love naan bread, which is a fluffier form of tortilla. Mexicans love chicken. Indians Mexicans love spicy chicken. The Indians invented hot and spicy. The most popular drink in Mexico is Fanta. The most popular drink in India is Fanta. Indians worship cows. Mexicans love barbecues. Many similarities. Most of the people I met there were very tough. hardworking and humble and I have to tell you that every time I talk to someone they always greet me the same way they look at me, put their hands together, make a small bow and say namaste, which is an endearing greeting, it is very pleasant and sweet. and then I realized that the Indians, when you talk to them, they do this thing with their head or they start moving from side to side while they talk, now first when you realize you think, oh, he slept badly, he just got a sprained neck, get a tempur-pedic now, when they start talking, his head starts moving and I realized the guy is checking us into the hotel and he's really cool, he says listen, if you have any problems, okay, call front. is press zero, we will send someone to your room to help you when you need it, we have it for you right here, okay, very good, now one thing I notice is that the more they talked and the more excited the Indians were, the more head starts to move someone in the hotel yelled at the employee that it's

fluffy

and the guy said oh my god I don't believe it, I can do it I thought it was crazy I work on

fluffy

love it, you love it, even crazier that is, mouth on reality is connected to the neck when the mouth stops moving, the head stops where the mouth left off and when you see the Indians talking to each other you can see it, okay, let me tell you, son, okay, put it on, okay, wait.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait well like you're Indian and you stutter you're so fucked up i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i stop stopping it I'm not going to lie to you when I first saw it happen I thought it was hysterical I thought it was funny, but then I started thinking about it, head movement is just a form of expression, no matter where you live in this world, people express themselves in their own way, whether it be through facial expressions, gestures with hands, body movements, extra words, wherever you go things are different and that's how to express yourself in India now getting back to the whole Mexican Indian thing which is something else we share in common with Indians head movement now some of You guys in the building tonight are like stupid.

We don't have head movement. Yes, we do. It's a little different. See with the Indians. The head movement is from side to side. Mexicans move their heads from front to back. The difference is that with Mexicans we have to be very, very upset so you can see the head movement, otherwise you can't tell. with the Indians it's all the time or today is such a nice day it's such a beautiful day today I'm so happy it's very nice very good my god I can't believe it so nice is that a British Mexican when we're angry that's when he comes out for the Not Latinos, believe me, they cut a Mexican in traffic, see what happens, it's funny, I don't know why black people laugh, you guys take it all, I don't know, you guys did it, oh hell.

No, I know you're talking about me, I got dizzy, so let me tell you guys, if you ever get the chance to travel to India, I encourage you to check it out, you'll see some beautiful things, you'll see some amazing things. You'll see some sad and depressing things and some really horrible things in general. It's a well-balanced trip, but when they return home, here in the United States, they will have a completely different appreciation for their life. Believe it, I guarantee this. There are many people in India and many people come. Lots of traffic first. American traffic and Indian traffic are very different here.

Whatever happens on the highway, the entire highway will stop. In India there is 10 times more traffic, but it moves. The problem is that Americans were fascinated by accidents, we are fascinated by the idea of ​​seeing potential death, that's why we slow down on the highways, we say we don't want to see it, but what happens in traffic doesn't even matter. What could be a collision, you could be on Highway 101 and a car blew a tire and skidded, you don't hit anything, now you're facing oncoming traffic, you know what's happening with the rest of the highway, even on the other highway where there is no accident, someone could be I'm so sorry, in India if there is an accident in the middle of the road, you know what they do, they turn around, they don't stop and it's not that they are not sensitive to the situation, they are, it's just that there is a lot of chaos. that happens regularly, they just need to go to work, they see what's happening and believe me, with all their heart, they know they will drive by.

I'm so sorry, nothing stops the flow of traffic in India from where they need to get to. point A to point B and so they go, they go if there is an accident they drive if there is something blocking the street they get on the sidewalk to go around it is incredible the way they drive and here is something else nobody uses turn signals out there no one uses turn signals, use a horn now if you go to India tomorrow from the moment you arrive to the moment you leave you will constantly hear a horn, it's a real language when people drive.

I'll show you how you are. driving a car on your right current car on your left faster turn on ahead they talk to each other while driving and barely miss each other each time also you will be on highway 101 here and there will be six lanes in India you will see six lanes but guess what you will see twelve cars crossed yes, they have lines but basically they are there to let you know more or less in which direction you might want to go, they are that close to each other and even in the light that communicating they see everything cars trucks vans motorcycles pedestrians cows children all waiting for the light and they talk in the light with the running horn very well you can go you can go tour welcome you are welcome go see nothing stop the flow of traffic there, the Indians drive, think of the ants, you know how ants travel in a straight line and if there is something On the way, like a rock, the ants will split up, surround the rock and gather together or climb up the rock in the worst case. scenario they dig a full angle under the rock that's the mentality of driving in India a man can be shot in the middle of the street people just look at each other someone picks him up and drags him by the ass to the sidewalk and if there's a accident and they need to move guess what will happen to that guy on the sidewalk nothing stops the flow of traffic in India except a cow now I know we've always heard the stories and jokes about how all Indians don't eat hamburgers I asked the question and found out It is believed that cows are people who have died and have been reincarnated and their new life is now the cow, that is why they do not eat them and that is why they give them all the love and respect in the world.

I saw it firsthand there, there is a cow crossing the street while we are driving and the cows know that they are conceited they know that they can cross no one honks at the cows no one yells at the cows no one touches the cows they wait for the cows to finish crossing the cow that we had left behind the driver he just turned off the car he started tweeting there's a cow in the middle of the street hashtag Moo Moo I asked the driver what's going on Saturday there's an account I see there's a cow are you going to honk at it turn around what's going to happen we can't no we can honk at a cow we should wait for the cow to move you worry I'm not kidding we should wait for the cow we I passed a dead body 15 minutes ago that's probably him.

Seriously, the driving situation there is very intense. One morning, while we were there, I needed to get to the airport quickly because I fell asleep and that's how I got into it. taxi and I give the driver a fifty dollar bill and I'm leaving, sir, I'm very late. I need to get to the airport as soon as possible, whatever side street I have to take or secondary road, I'm all for it, whatever street I have to take. let's do it and I'll handle the money and it's going great let's go and take off the guy is speeding fifty to seventy miles an hour down the street we're making amazing time I notice we're heading in the direction of a red light, have you ever been in a car with someone and you are paying attention to what is happening and you realize that you are about to run a red light and you know how to start preparing mentally and physically for the car to slow down and you start to anticipate the pressure of the brake and if you don't have the feeling of slowing down at a certain point all the alarms go off in your head and you hit the driver in the chest not only did I not get the feeling of slowing down I got the opposite, he shot it towards the light and me caught off guard, I couldn't even scream, I was like and then I took a breath, I didn't even know what he did, he looks at me, he leaves.

What's happening? What do you mean? What's happening? Didn't you see the red light? As calm as possible. Didn't you see that there was no one there? Do you want to scream or do you want to make it clear that he made a good point? He sounded like a third grader. I want to get it clean, seriously. It's a video game. I want to see it. I want to see Grand Theft Auto India. It was crazy, guys, and it's just us there. I haven't even gotten to the part where we act. We were in Mumbai, Bangalore and Delhi.

Well, these three places are where we went to perform in Mumbai and Bangalore. The shows went very, very long. Well, well, there were between 1,500 and 2,000 people, which is surprising to some who went there. I was excited, yeah, and then we got to Delhi and when we told you guys, he went a little crazy, Martina comes out on stage and the crowd. They recognized him and started singing every time I heard that, I thought they knew him, it's going to be a good show, so my Athene starts making jokes, the crowd starts laughing, he's making more jokes, the crowd keeps laughing, suddenly I listen to this mother.

Tema doesn't say a word to them he gets off the stage the next comedian comes out and then Tema mother comes up to me and says brother I don't know what's going on man I don't know what's going on out there there are these three guys in the front row they're laughing like Star Trek klingons I'm not going to address him I'm going to keep it for you I was like oh thank you so my thing comes back on stage and he introduces me ladies and gentlemen Gabrielle Iglesias and then I ran out on stage and the crowd started singing and I was like : What's wrong, Danny and I started making jokes, we started laughing, we started making more jokes, we started laughing more and then it happened, now look at me, can I?

I don't avoid things, especially when it's front row center, so I approached him, I walked right in, I said, well, hello, I said, what do we have here?, I said, so where are you guys from? and the guy in the middle looks at me and says. They're from Germany I said great, we have Germans in the house and the whole crowd got really weird, you could hear them, they got scared because they thought I was going to start making fun of the German people and one guy even stood up, don't do it . don't do it go ahead do it I'm going to relax brother for God's sake don't do it I'm not going to make fun of the German people that's the last thing I want to do is offend them I don't want to end up outside in an alley somewhere in two hours, oh, This is the last time they'll tell you not to make fun of Germans while I make this joke about a German kicking me on the ground with an accent here's where it gets Crazy, he hits me with a bat on the side of the head, listen to what I tell you I just said.

Barrier. He hits me with a bat on the side of the head, not Major League Baseball, I'm talking about Ivana, soccer black in India, there are millions. and millions and millions of batsfruit eaters and one of them, in fact six of them managed to survive. inside the building and they were flying and hanging from the rafters and one of them decided to fly down and basically when I was doing the kicks I got in the bat's line of flight and he caught me right here and I look up and you see it and you can hear it the Indians saw that and they got scared they were screaming they did it they did it they told you not to do it they told you not to do it yes even as a friend I don't care what However evil you think the Germans are, they have no control over the bats, it wasn't like the guy got offended and said, oh, he really owns dropping the bat, so now the crowd is weird, these guys are laughing and There are fucking bats flying around the theater the first two minutes of my show.

I have an hour and now I've lost the crowd. They are going crazy. These guys laugh weird. I am nervous. It's my first time there. I don't know how to get out of this so I literally walked to the other side of the stage and started acting for this side of the room trying to redirect the focus here and I'm so nervous I'm stuttering. I don't even have a Segway, I mean, you know, it's crazy in America, everyone in America likes to drink, you know, it's really crazy, like for example, Mexicans, most Mexicans will drink at the Keela, most black people like Hennessy.

Jager, here in India, you guys like Fanta and when I said Fanta, the crowd went crazy because it was such a local reference that they freaked out, they were like screaming, oh my God, he knows he knows they started singing to Yvonne in the top haha. the roar was so big that it allowed me to restart my show so I started telling new jokes and more jokes and these jokes and those jokes five minutes pass five minutes suddenly the Germans were offended by the fact that I left them out of my drink for one joke the one in the middle gets up and walks over to a stage now this stage has to be about five feet tall the guy's head was that tall he's like six four he looks at me and starts pointing and he's yelling hey, but no man, what's up with the ass? haha, but there are the Germans, but to drink, man, that was like five minutes ago, they were giving you a chance, what do they drink?

First of all, sir, I apologize, I am very nervous. At this point I had no idea there were going to be Germans here tonight, yes, it felt like Poland. I don't care if you laugh or not. It's a smartass joke. What a know-it-all joke. It's not my fault. Some of you Pentacles failed in history. You better calm down. find out why it's so funny all the older white people so anyway I stand up and then I'm going to listen sir you need to sit down okay people are getting nervous you need to sit down so you can finish the show and the boys, he refuses, I won't sit down, fat man, and tell them: "tell us what we drink." I'm going to listen, I don't know what you guys drink and the Indians are being so nice, they're trying to help me, they're yelling, "hey." funny, cool and the guy said please have a seat if you tell us what we are going to drink tell us what man I'm going listen sir you need to sit down and you need to stop calling me fat now he's starting to bother me. like the sixth time he's done it and not only did I lose a hundred pounds;

Now they catch me, so I'm going to serve you, you don't have a seat, we're going to have a problem, especially if you call me fat again and he, damn. What is he going to do? That bad luck drink might even be who is behind the curtain. I knew that he knows when I'm at that point where I crossed. I could hear it from behind. Don't do it too late. The fluff is angry. I said: you want to know what you drink, damn it, don't ask me where this came from. I got right in his face and said Jewish blood.

Now you see automatically, you guys gave me a completely different reaction in Delhi which was probably the most shocking thing ever said on that stage. So shocking that 2,000 people at the same time became so silent. I mean, you knew it was bad because it was coming out of your mouth and you're trying to stop it, but it's too late, it's already out and you think, and it's too late, he's got Jewish blood all over his face, right? I'm standing on my hands, I'm looking at him, he's looking at me and I'm like he's good, yeah, that's good, it doesn't end there.

I'm telling you this is crazy, so the next morning Athena and I flew back home to Los Angeles from Delhi. We will take an airline called British Airways. We are going from Delhi to London, England, and we have a connecting flight there. Once we arrived in England, they canceled our connection for whatever reason. They changed our reservation to another airline called Lufthansa, it is a German airline. That's why I believe in karma. I made sure my Athena and I were upgraded to at least their business class because it's like a long flight and then we're there, we're on the plane and the plane takes off about 20 minutes into the flight.

Sitting there they were laughing and the stewardess starts going down the aisle with the cart. Yes, she comes down the aisle and sees me and says hello sir, does she have a favorite drink today? Martine looks at me and touches me on the chest and he

goes

to the cashier Tayler brother, come on, ask if anyone has it, shut up and then he looks at Martine and says: do you have a favorite drink and other things like yes, you guys have blood? She's like Bloody Mary, yeah, yeah. Bloody Mary, her damn machetes are going to ban me from flying, so we're going back home.

I'm trying to tell the story to my girlfriend, my son and my girl, she barely laughs, she says ha ha, as if she were tired, she doesn't laugh at her. I'm done with jokes, my son Frankie, on the other hand, is dying and I think he's really 16, like a real Frank, he thought he was funny because you asked funny. I ask him what was funny about my story. He says those people. I'm talking about who the Indians are, he goes, not the others, I go, the Germans go, yeah, it's funny, I go, what's so funny about Germans the way they talk?

I go, what's so funny about the way they talk, he says, they sound. like the three little pigs from the movie Shrek, I had to go on YouTube and find it and sure enough, the three little pigs, oh yeah, I was just waiting for one of the golden fat one.