we are moving forward with a divorce

I've been dreading filming this video because I feel like once it's live it's real and I don't want it to be real. I'm going to try my best not to cry too much, but I think it's been evident that this year has been very difficult for me for many reasons, I went through a lot of health problems, I went through a lot of difficulties dealing with sharing life online and I've also alluded to some personal things going on and I'm really heartbroken to share it. this because I never thought I would be here, but I think it's time because I've gotten a lot of comments and questions and I know people are putting things together and I don't know if I'm necessarily ready to share, but I want to.

It should come from me and not just from the people's guesses and Brooke and I are

moving

forward

with a

divorce

I never thought I would say there have been a handful of reasons for this and out of respect for Brooke and her privacy. Now I just don't feel comfortable sharing many of the reasons for multiple reasons. First, I'm still trying to process them and make sense of them and I'd like to do that with my closest friends and family without hearing an influx of people's opinions about the situation and I really don't want people to do that.

I have some opinion about Brooke. I want to try to protect him as much as possible because I know it's probably really bad to have a spouse who shares her life online for a while. I like this, but at the same time I'm really nervous about not sharing details about this because I think, personally, the most dangerous thing about the Internet is that it's part of human nature to try to figure out why it's part of human nature for us to collect information. and Creating our own history and creating assumptions and assumptions are honestly the most painful, so maybe in the future, once I've healed a little more, I can explain more of the full situation, but right now I just ask that you please They don't believe any. assumptions about what might have happened.

I will say that although I am heartbroken and devastated, there is a lot of love and mutual respect between Brook and I, so I just ask that you respect her privacy and be aware of any comments, conjectures or Honestly, assumptions you might have, it has been disheartening to see that even before I say anything, I've been aware of people's comments and Brooke has been aware of many more people requesting to follow him and see his stories and me. I know it's human nature, like I said, when you're traveling one way on a highway and there's an accident on the other side, everyone stops because they want to look and they want to see what's going on, even if it's stopping all these other people and It's not productive at all, it's just human nature so I understand that that's going to happen, but it's been very difficult and I'm just asking you not to make it harder, that's all I'm asking, I feel like I have a lot to say. and I don't even know how to say it or in what order to say it.

I guess I'm really scared about making this public because I've never grieved before and I'm worried that people will say I'm grieving rightly or wrongly it's so strange how grief isn't linear and how I can have good days and then I can have bad days. the ones I just can't function. I vomited the other day. I didn't know it was possible to do it from emotion. I think I'm internalizing a lot more pain than I realized and I had a really stupid thought: I know I mentioned the 4th quarter of November and December being the busiest months in Straub and at the beginning of the year.

I've signed vlogging deals and just the thought of vlogging these next few months I don't know, feels too vulnerable, so my stupid thought was maybe I could try to push this back until January, like maybe I could try to put a band together. -help with this and make everything okay until January when I could take some time off to figure out all my personal stuff, but at the end of the day we really have no control over the timeline that life has for us, so I'm going to try to be okay with sharing this process and sharing the next few months and I think the next few months will be very difficult and very complicated and there will be a lot of changes, but I'm just going to appear and this is me asking permission to appear as I am, if some days I am optimistic and yes some days I am devastated because the last few months I wake up in the morning and think about who I am going to be.

Today I really don't know and I have been able to have good days and be able to film multiple videos because I didn't want to share them yet and I didn't want to show this, this sadness, but now that it's public and Now that changes are going to happen, I just have to present myself as I am. I am, so I asked you if I could do that and if you could understand that I'm doing my best to focus on happy things, that's honestly my coping mechanism. I've always been a bright side girl and that's been what's helped me. to overcome this and some days it works very well and other days I just sit on a dark cloud in a puddle of sadness and grief, another interesting thing that I didn't know is that, for example, when you have a wedding you are not necessarily aware of the difficult things From planning a wedding or being a bride until you are one, there is something I didn't realize about this situation. where it's very strange that I feel personally responsible for telling all my loved ones and giving them the respect to have that conversation face to face before this is made public, since eventually it will have to be made public because you are all going to ask where it is.

Brooke, why are you

moving

what's happening? So there's a timeline that this has to happen and I feel like I have to have these conversations with everyone I love in my life before this goes live, which is a weird situation when you're the one who's emotionally broken. and stressed beyond belief and trying to figure out your own life, but I feel like I don't have the ability to think about that because I'm too worried about being respectful to everyone else in my life and telling them what's going on and I told my mom that I feel like I've been hit by a car and I'm looking at everyone passing by and instead of worrying about myself, I make sure everyone passing by is okay, which is a very strange situation and I've also never lost a loved one, you know, I've never lost a family member, which is very strange for a 24-year-old, but I guess that kind of pain at least you can know that the people around you are understanding, but This type of pain, the people around you don't know the whole story so they will have their own opinions about whether you are doing the right thing or whether you are doing the wrong thing and it's just that weird. a complex layer until you don't feel like you can fully open up and share what's going on because you don't know if people are going to be understanding or if they're going to make things worse, that's been strange, it's been really strange, I do it too.

I don't know if it sounds bad to say it out loud, but I really thought I would be the last person to get

divorce

d. be loving and things will work out I think it's horrible to realize that you really have no control over it you know one of the positives God I'm a mess I'm sorry one of the positives I'm holding on to this I personally don't know no one else who is not even in their mid 20s and is going through a divorce and I especially don't know anyone in the church who is going through that because you know I have certain beliefs about divorce too.

That's very confronting for me from a Christian point of view and going through this so young and as a Christian can feel very isolating and very embarrassing, no matter if I feel like it's my choice or not I still feel a lot of shame and I'm hoping to know for sure. that there are other people who are going through this, other people like me who are young and who have their own beliefs about divorce and have their own relationship with Jesus who might also feel isolated and ashamed and, if anything, I'm hoping I can be someone online who can go through this with other people in similar scenarios and show that you can still love Jesus and go through something like this and hopefully be okay, God, I hope I'm okay, so that's the thing.

I'm holding on to what I know is that there have been a couple of people much older than me, you know, in their 40s and 50s, married for a long time, who have opened up and said I actually got divorced around your age and It is very hopeful to see. They are now very happy with a long marriage and I know that they went through something like this and ended up being fine. I haven't talked to someone my age yet, but like I said, that's something I hold on to and hope I can do. I'll be online if I have to share this, I hope something good comes out of it.

I feel like there are like five million things in my brain that I wanted to say. I will share more about the move and what my plans are once they are more finalized. I said I basically have no choice but to share them in vlogs, so you'll find out a lot more after I move. I've been in Texas for a while to give Brook some space and, you know, I really have time. to process all this stuff and I've been back in California for a few days packing up the house and I'm at least two days away from filming this.

I don't know when this video will come out. I probably will. I posted this on the last possible day, but I'm two days away from starting to drive with my belongings in my car and I'll share more of that when I'm there, when things are finalized. I know I'll probably get a question. There's a lot going on with Max and God. I wish we could clone Max and each of us could keep Max and that was something very difficult. Obviously we both love Max, but we both told each other that we would like to have Max to have a companion. during this really painful process is a really big deal, but after sitting down and talking about all the logistics we came to the conclusion that Brooke is taking on a new position at her work and will be at a lot of internships and now she's doing it.

Both the Lakers and the Dodgers and his office is moving to a new office in December and he's going to be there every day and I'm going to be working from home, so just that fact, Max doesn't like to be alone, so, just that fact. , we decided that Max would probably receive more care and attention with someone in my career than with his current career, so Max will come with me. Part of me is so grateful to be able to have him during this process and part of me is so sad that Brooke isn't coming. I'm very glad we don't have children.

I can't imagine how hard it would be if it was that hard with just our dog, you know? So I think that's all I wanted to share. Now I just ask you to be kind, please be kind, please don't jump to conclusions or assumptions about what happened. Brook really is my best friend, he really is my best friend. I really hope I don't lose that, but I want to. protect him I have nothing against him this is just an unfortunate situation we found ourselves in and it took a lot of honesty to make this decision it's just sad it's just sad um it's really sad so please be kind please please if I see anything I I refer Brooke for her sake, I will delete and block whoever I need to because I don't want to make this process harder, it's been too hard already, so please be kind, thank you for being here.

I'm sorry in advance. If the next few months are really complicated, I have no idea where I will be, what I will be like, what my life will be like, but I have hope, I have hope that I can heal and that I can do it. I will have good days ahead, I know there will be endless bad days, but I will hold on to the good times and really try to focus on the things that bring me joy and healing, so that's what's to come, I love you. "All I know for sure is that as soon as I hit the off button, I'll think of 27 more things I wanted to say, but like I said, I'll share more as I get comfortable and feel like I'm healing." and since there is more distance, time and space and I feel it is appropriate to share, but right now I am still processing and I am sharing this sooner than I wanted, but it comes with the territory, I will see you all.

In a video very soon I will vlog my trip. I don't know if I'm going to do a 30 second vlog because I'll probably be a mess or if I'm going to share more, but I'm going to try to focus on the happy moments and my mom will actually be with me for a long time, so let's try it. , we will do our best, okay?