(George Burns Roast) Dean Martin, Don Rickles, Best of 1978

tonight we salute our man of the hour, mr

george

burns

, we are honoring

george

tonight with a special request, although george is recognized as one of our great comedians, he would prefer to be recognized for his singing, the fact is that he started out as a singer . I don't want to say when he started singing, but that was the year the top 10 was the ten commandments. Do you ever hear a voice like his? He looks like he makes love, it starts slowly and doesn't end, you're the worst, right? Say you're the worst last month, he said the star banner at a ball game and the crowd sat down.

It was really surprising that a man his age would give you an idea of ​​how old he was in 1905. George was going through puberty, something John Denver has not yet done. He is already old when a girl invites him to her apartment and asks him bring a bottle, he brings geritol but he's still there swinging, i mean, when george checked into the hotel last night we gave him the room between connie stevens and ruth buzzy, but to be safe we ​​didn't tell them what's funny, but the women are always fascinated with george, even when george was a child he had a lot of charisma and then he started dating girls and his charisma clarified the career that this man has had in vaudeville radio television and before all that he made a movie on mgm with eleanor powell and robert young.

This movie was called Honolulu and it was made in 1939. I mean Honolulu, well I won't. They say it was bad, it was horrible, but three years later he showed up in Japan and Pearl Harbor was attacked. Milton as an example for all young people who want to dedicate themselves to the world of entertainment, hard work, perseverance and discipline, everything you need when you don't have it. talent is a giant of comedy and i'm not kidding mister milton berle now ladies and gentlemen please continue with our tribute to our guest of honor when i was told god was going to be here tonight i said there's no way the sonata is Too busy, but it's great.

It is a great thrill for me to be here tonight to honor George Burns, who after 60 years in show business finally got there. He is a lucky man. Look at it. He doesn't know this is a

roast

He thinks he's having sex How am I kidding George? I'm you're beautiful you look the same as you did 40 years ago old George is now at the age where if a girl says no he says thank you to this man her back grows longer than he did in high school the other day I gave him a copy last night, George took a girl to his room here at the hotel and when they left, he noticed a sign on the door, have you forgotten something? together I don't know if you know this but george uh I'll tell you he's of Polish descent his grandfather was half Polish and half Jewish he was a janitor but he owned the building I'll tell you why I'm glad I did it.

I'm here tonight Dean because George and I played in vaudeville years ago when he was doing a pre-Bernstein Allen single and boy does she like to tell you the places we play Thomas, we play in dumps. You've never heard of small towns like uh, Rachmonas, Illinois, Split lib. nevada marijuana new mexico boy that was a pain we played in cities we played once it was so small the local hooker was a virgin for the king here

dean

martin

here and he was talking about the singing and everything but the act he did, he did a comedy act the worst act I ever heard in my life his jokes were so bad that I wouldn't even steal them I would like to repeat as he usually does mockery I like to say that very very happy for my friend's success boy what a beautiful life he is leading George, right? now he has lunch every day at the beverly hills bistro he has dinner every night with a beautiful young woman he's already won an oscar he's written a

best

-selling book and he gets offices in every movie studio in town oh god I can't wait to get made Last night I dreamed that I was in heaven and I was talking to God, he sneezed and I didn't know what to say.

The guest is a very talented and very funny lady, one of the former stars of Sanford and Sun, and I think she is. the

best

in the whole world she is charming she is beautiful to me miss lawanda page what a thrill it is for me to be here between these two turkeys let me see who this turkey is oh the boy of the sun and the moonlight i heard what you said milton berle, Don't talk bad about me, you've done as much for comedy as Edi, I mean the last time I saw your show was during the New York blackout, your show was so bad my friend broke the window of a TV store. and they gave back their TV and you're still sorry, have mercy, I hear you whisper that you have no right to talk about my appearance, honey, oh I admit it, when you walked in tonight, you turned some heads and some stomachs too look. in ava go sit there so cool abe played the godfather in that movie they gave him the kiss of death honey you look so bad they should have given you the kiss of life now i'm coming to you george

burns

hanging out with all of them young foxes a your age a man as old as you darling should be respected rewarded retired and retreaded george you are too old to remarry not only can you not cut the muslin darling you are too old to open the dumpling I know what I am talking about sir Burns, I was once married to an old man, honey, when we faced a preacher, he didn't say, I did, he said, I'll try, thanks, I need a car to introduce this lovely lady, she's fun. and she's beautiful and i love her miss phyllis dillon you woke up oh george i'm so happy to be here no one knows how exciting it is for me to be here with george because look, i've had a crush on george for years he's my kind of person he's handsome he has success and breathe oh I don't know how you feel about it george but old age I mean I didn't even see it coming hit me from behind I woke up one morning and it was all over.

Everything disappeared. The hair on the top of my head is so fine. The part is in the palate. I have a rash that moves so fast I can hear it. My thong is clean. to level d flat and you know, as you get older you get so dry and brittle that it may not die at all, it may just flake when you put moisturizer on your skin it shouldn't go away, you know if you don't did? I wear contact lenses, I wouldn't know where I was, I could be playing in the men's room one night, they let me, I didn't know the difference, the sound was good and cool, but the reason I love George is that he knows how treat women.

He just likes it backstage tonight, he whistled at me the last time I heard a whistle. I was hit by a train, but George, I just want to tell you this after the show. I know it's your night, but I'd love to share it with you somehow. we will find a way to come to my room if you want to see a real woman I will get you one here is a man who is quite a regular at our barbecue one of the funniest guys I know ladies and gentlemen mister red butt ladies and gentlemen the question is night is why we give this former comedian a man who was old enough to be his own father a man who embarrassed everyone at the last supper by asking for seconds a man when they signed the declaration of independence asked for a photocopy Copy to a man who When Rome was burning he asked Nero to play, you picked a good time to leave me, Lucille, so this is the kind of man we're giving dinner here tonight with some of the most important people in history. in the world never had a dinner adam adam who said to george burns in the garden of eden i have more ribs he has more aunts the hunchback of notre dame who said this is not a hum i ate a melon and backed away who said while contemplating his navel sure is better than daytime television never had dinner alibaba alibaba who said to the 40 thieves they only steal jewelry it is not easy to fence camels siamese twin who said to a sister what do you mean you go on your way? go to mine this man they give you dinner rip van winkle who said when he woke up from sleeping 20 years after lunch I think I'll take a nap I never had dinner goliath's mother who told goliath stop running with david you always come home drugged george he never got a dinner standing they give a dinner kane's mother kane's mother who put the king in after he killed his brother abel wait until your father comes home you'll understand who said when his wife became a statue of salt salt, we have enough coffee, we need cleopatra, who is willing to mark Antony when he placed the snake in a chest, of course it's suicide, you think I'm trying to make out with a snake just wild, uh, There's a silly rumor going around that I really should do it. scotch scotch

dean

I hope I have your attention, no matter what anyone says, I refuse to believe that any suggestion of his was responsible for the invention of the neutron bomb, it's ridiculous of course, and yet when you think about it, it makes sense who would most want a weapon that could take out the bartenders without destroying the guest of honor as for booze, he certainly deserves more respect than what he's been getting here tonight, after all, how many men his age could hear insults about your sex life without the use of a hearing aid? about george's love affairs they remind me of the words of poet elizabeth barrett browning how i love you let me count the ways in your case george don't bother counting the ways just count the times the lengths these people have gone to just to come here now a pagoda even bought a tuxedo ate the goat with a tuxedo that's like putting hollandaise sauce on a veil with red buttons red whose mother once said those famous words to his father when he was born red keeps the sales receipt I think we will want to give it back George to the heir it is human to forgive divine soul let us forgive Milton Berle we realize bill that everything you said you said it to laugh the fact that you did not recover anything that is another of your problems wondering George in your long and glorious career you have received a perfect plethora of honors and awards, you have triumphed on the radio, you have conquered television and you have held office in the palace, you have met presidents and kings, you more than any living mortal should be aware that There is something more exciting in life than women and sex and whoever finds out what that is will make a fortune really funny man and I mean jack carter oh I thought you would never bring me here this became like a telethon for some in Italy what I'm excited to be back at the mgm, this wonderful beautiful hotel and thank you Dean for the beautiful room you got me here, it's beautiful, it must be the presidential suite because I walked in and there were peanuts all over the floor, at least you promised George Glamour. come to vegas george we'll give you a dinner you'll be beautiful showgirls beautiful women okay where's anne margaret where's sophia loren where's pharah on her taps look eh, it's over but ruth buzzy and phyllis diller jaws and menopause oh ruth's ready but phyllis you look beautiful shoot with a new face and a new body you really look great considering you used to be gregory peck thank god connie showed up connie loves to go with joy you know she knows how to handle it he is happy once a week she gives him a Mandarina tells him that she's making love and that she loves going to her house in Malibu and you know Connie gets into something sexy George brings some wine and she walks around with this flimsy gun and while Connie cooks George gets burned but he's adorable look at the city, the only man in the world orders a

martin

i with a prune, silly for Louis, it sounds like a western customer came as an immigrant with his father, his father didn't speak English, the only thing he could say was his job, diesel installer. the diesel effect so they sent it to the shipyard no, no diesel installer doesn't know what you don't know i worked with him a friend angelo in pantyhose he all pantyhose i say yes, diesel installer georgia and i love hanging out with these big old men like Georgie Jessel and George Burns and Jack Albertson and the veteran Milton Borough.

I love it, are we kidding? Milton, he is an inspiration to all young comedians. We believe he can do it. Can anyone know that if your sweet friend? Jack Benny was here, I bet he's up there himself now and that big day he's in the sky looking down and he smiles sweetly at you and says well, isn't this a ridiculous situation? Here I am in heaven and God on earth. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the former movie star, the former governor, the former presidential candidate, but he is still number one in popularity, a very distinguished American and a good friend, Mr.

Ronald Reagan, thank you dean among governors You know dean has always been a well-regarded governor of arizona, even naming a national forest after him petrified speaking at a dean martin

roast

is a lot like being budget director for jimmy carter it's some kind of temp job it just doesn't I couldn't turn down this opportunity to say a few words about our man of the hour, this bionic geriatric sun city fonzie george burns, the only man I know who fools mother nature.When red buttons appear on these roasts he always asks why we give this man a very red dinner for the first time I would like to answer who Do you know who is a real witness to most of our country's history?

It was George Burns who personally told Betsy Ross. I'm sorry the boss is a little busy, but let's run up the flagpole and see if anyone says hello. This is George. The legend of Burns Night says that when Queen Elizabeth gave Christopher Columbus all of her jewelry to finance her voyage and he said, but who's going to buy all this costume rubbish? It was George, he said, "Leave it to me." I know exactly the type that Sammy Davis Jr. wears to this day and who was the one who told the judge about the crater slide? Far from the party no one will ever miss you.

Remember George dates back to the invention of television when televisions ran on whale oil. He started with NBC TV. Where do you think NBC got the egg from which that peacock hatched? As a comedian, George Burns will leave his mark on history, George has always entertained presidents and made six different presidents laugh. 6 out of 39 not bad george here's to you still having the same youthful vigor when you finally reach if have you ever studied a respected aging doctor in beverly hills dr. charles cooper good evening my name is dr cooper first novel by george burns the first time I met george burns he came to my office with a terrible ringing in his ears I cured him I gave him an ear not included in the list it's all in my book you I will remove the appendix in your free time once I took care of Mr.

Mo Martin I went to his house and after carefully examining him I found something on his chest his secretary by the way Dean tries some of this medicine uh you could use it what are you saying? Horrible, thank you, you realize this medicine contains vitamins, minerals, niacin, but potassium, iron, scam, scam, taste, well, it also contains 50 alcohol. I'll have the link. This is a cow, what is this? old cow it's all in my book brain surgeries self taught aha there's april pagoda and i'm going back to med school he was my first corpse anyway mr burns all i have to tell you is you need a physical after the show come over my room, take off your clothes, I will take your pulse, blood pressure and wallet.

Thank you so much. I must say that the next beautiful lady to appear here is not only a star of Broadway television and movies, but she has appeared with our man of the hour on stage. and screen, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the talented and charming beautiful Connie Stephen. Thank you, this is an exciting meeting for me. I will tell you that I haven't appeared with George Burns in a long time. He and I co-star in a television series. I hope everyone remembers that her name was Wendy and I, well it didn't last long, I don't blame you George, it was a good show, but I've had longer runs in pantyhose given our past friendship, I really was.

I was surprised when I arrived in Las Vegas last night to find a beautiful bouquet of flowers in my hotel room and a note from George Burns saying dear Connie, please join me for an evening of swinging on the town. Well, George, I hate kissing and telling, but I can. I tell you, we had a very fun evening. First we went out to dinner. I picked him up right after his nap. That's when I discovered George's secret to staying young. He never tries too hard. I wouldn't even whistle for a taxi. Can you imagine when he finally gets nervous, why waste it in a taxi we were in and suddenly George leaned over and said, My leg is asleep, it's numb, I can't feel anything, I said, George, please relax, Is that my knee you're holding?

On the way home in the taxi, George got very confidential with me and said Connie. I know I am an old man and you are still young and innocent, but these are modern times. How do you feel about mixed couples getting together? It wasn't much fun, anyway I wanted four of us to play the same kino card. When the night was over, he walked me to my room and, like the true romantic roulette that it really is, he surprised me with a hot kiss and forgot to take out his cigarette. Out of his mouth with us tonight is that very funny star of the smash hit TV show CPO Sharky, ladies and gentlemen, Hate's national distributor, Mr Dawn Rickles.

Thank you so much. You know a lot of artists get the opportunity to perform, which is a big statement, but George. Here in the house these kinds of things we can laugh at I should say it from the beginning, George, you are 81 years old, I will give you five dollars to marry my mother, I will give you ten if you fool around, there are a lot of great things. stars here honoring george as i look down on the deus i see none georgie laugh and laugh and i love you and of course red button is one of the great clowns of our time unfortunately the public has never known that anyway uh phyllis stiller ladies gentlemen who when she was born god ran out of clay and gave her trick or treat charlie face but you are a lovely lady phyllis and good luck to you her husband her ex husband said on their wedding night james stewart one of our greats generals in the air force who said in the second world war and the planes took off without them and of course the great governor of the state of california the former governor and the man who desperately wanted to be president governor reagan from the bottom of my heart governor me I never liked you, I never liked your family, sit down, governor, you are making a fool of yourself and dom de louise, there is not much to say about you, dom, because you have a bad personality, but let's get to the joke of the night, 81 years old, young george.

If I may tell you, I sit with you at Hillcrest Country Club and we laugh together. You have always surrounded me with your arm. Your family. Your dear Gracie. God rest her wherever she is. She takes care of you. We all laugh at you with the young women who. accompany you but the best thing I can say on behalf of my wife, my children and my dear mother is that when you dress in your tie and your sports jacket and how you are tonight clean and immaculate and you get into your little car in your big car and I see you drive past our country club with pride and you get off and walk abruptly with life, that's what I believe in and that's what I hope for myself, my wife and my children to have the feeling of life.

As my people say, I am in life to have the feeling that you are a great man and we love you and I love you ladies and gentlemen our man of the moment and I love you Mr. George Burns thank you thank you ladies and gentlemen you know, I have really come a long way long way in showbiz here I'm 81 years old and to think that all these lovely people flew to las vegas and dressed very well and came here just to insult me, I think it's very flattering let me tell you something I was a small time vaudeville actor until I was 27 so I'm used to being insulted insults have always been part of my life I was insulted at the Jefferson Theater on 14th Street at the Getty Theater in Altoona, the colonial and acronym The Folly Theater in Brooklyn, let me tell you what happened at the Folly Theatre.

I was in the middle of my act singing into the heart of a cherry and right before I finished my yodeling, the manager came on stage and canceled. me and to make matters worse, the audience supported them, the musicians gave them a standing ovation, you see, so your insults tonight mean nothing. I have been insulted by professionals even when I worked with Gracie the insults never stopped. I remember playing at the Orpheum theater in Oklahoma City and the next morning there was a review in the paper saying that Miss Allen is not only a beautiful young woman but also a great talent and her dancing is very exciting and the timing is great.

It's perfect and there's no telling how far Miss Allen would go. Yes she was working alone when I started all the acts she did were pathetic in fact I had to change my name every week I couldn't get a job with the same name twice I remember playing I walked into Marcus's madness office it was a small reserve time old and I was sitting there and the director of the theater came in and said: where can I find maurice valenti? I said, um, I'm maurice valente, I thought so. She gave me a contract to play at the Murtle Theater in Brooklyn and the contract. lea maurice valenti and her wonderful dog also assigned Did I do anything to stay in show business the next day?

I got a piece of Lebron and got a dog and went to the medical room to do my act. I left the street. On stage with the dog under my arm I stood there and sang my songs and in the middle of my third song the dog did his balls twice when I finished I couldn't do my sand dance so you see, not only was I insulted by the people . I even had a dog take a photo of me. Well now I want to thank each and every one of you for coming here tonight and I really enjoyed the night and you know I'm at a very comfortable stage in my life now.

I have always been taught to respect my elders and well, I finally reached the age where I don't have to respect anyone.