Try Not To Laugh Challenge: Greg Giraldo

Donny Osmond, everyone wasn't funny, how boring, but you know what I do, I love that Stewie character on your show, he's great, you made all your money because you created a fucking criminal baby, you're like Michael Lohan. how cheesy this stand is how cheesy the Saints are it's not a roast it's a meltdown Jerry Springer George Hamilton look at these talentless success stories the devil has signed so many deals with you he has carpal tunnel syndrome Pam Anderson is here everyone I hope May this be to direct Pam, but God, I've jerked you off so much, you've made me spill more seed than Muhammad Ali in a bird feeder and you, you've got a you.

Jeff Ross's big mouth is here, isn't it, Jeff? now you looked adorable and those little shorts you all look like Andrew Says gay how fat you plan on getting fat faster than your age and you're like The Curious Case of Glutton Benjamin you're bloated hack your jokes are so old I know who George Hamilton is George Hamilton you're like Tang you're dry and orange and no one cares about you since 1968 Hamilton like a walking tumor it's not exactly a big deal when you spot a tumor of course not being a roast without pizza Lampanelli here everyone Lisa Lampanelli it's good to see at least never had before seen a circus bear in a pantsuit and you're like Lisa Lisa seems like she seems very confident but she's really not, she's very sweet, she was telling me backstage and she had knots on all four of her stomachs you're a fat woman you have more Chin that a fat Chinese girl with tons of Chin because she is very fast and also and speaking of fat Hulk Hogan, everyone is here.

Say you're going bald, you're going bald the same way Jeff Ross is going bald. I can't imagine why your wife left you, you're an old man who dresses like a Hooters waitress, go on, keep your shirt on your tits. 80 you had a reality show called Hogan, you know better it should have been called Hogan, he's growing breasts sorry, spring is good to watch him slide here today Springer, you're a cultural sodomite, you got our civilization like Gilbert's uncle back in the day Valentine's Day, you're a Bobby Kennedy AIDS, which probably explains your connection to Hasselhoff. I guess you like hanging out with guys whose careers end on a hotel floor.

You've done that, it's a good joke on everyone, that's what we call roasting anyway. I'm sorry if the pettiness has piled up, but that's what we do here and now to the happy hour man one more hand for the Hoffs, everyone, uh, what legend appears Hasselhoff sitting in a lifeguard chair because that's why that you're best known, I guess, when we roasted Pam. she should have been sitting on a dick, I mean, it's all a tuxedo, you look like Adam Lambert's prom date, you're huge in Europe, you're even knighted by the queen of England, she nicknamed you cirrhosis of the liver, how about love?

Have you ever been drunk? You used to have a car that would start when you talked to it. Now you have a car that won't start when you blow. Here's a drunk who when alcohol pays his taxes lists you as a dependent, you start in Jekyll and Hyde on Broadway, you come with a boss without him, that's like acting, he played a guy who can play a normal guy who drinks something and then turns into a raging bully, what an impressive range, maybe, maybe for your next big jump you can go. out for the role of a washed up drunk who eats cheeseburgers, stop being drunk, you drink a lot, right, your liver is so shriveled, black and dead, if you put your ear to your side you can hear it, it says what are you talking about with us, hats.

You are a good man, you are a good father, congratulations on being honored here tonight. I know you're taking a lot of shit, but you're not going to remember any of it. Come on, sir, you need no introduction because no one cares who. He is please welcome, thank you very much everyone, thank you very much, Ron White, is he not drunk? Everyone, give my head seriously. It seems that Nick Nolte got carried away. How about a hand before we get to Foxworthy specifically? I want to talk about all the blue. Collar guys, these guys are like rock stars and by that I mean old, boring and riddled with syphilis, the tour grossed fifteen million dollars, fifteen million, you know, it's at a time when your fans have so many other options of entertainment, you know they could have stayed home and burned their sisters or yeah, I mean, they had other options, you know, but instead, they dressed up and their best shirts farted and uh, they pushed El Camino and they took the hard-earned money that they earned from an extra shift working to tilt the world or robbing a liquor store, you know, this is money that they could have spent on abortions or meth and they would go out, they go the extra mile to go out and Los I see talking about abortions, it's good to see Larry, the cable guy, here.

Jesus Fred, finish. I stole Larry on the beach because we hung out on the beach. Larry and I from behind, everyone sees his rolls of fat and clumps and clumps of hair your back looks like Lisa Lampanelli it's good to see Bill Engvall here Bill is a prolific bastard he has 7 comedy CDs without Bill truants he wouldn't have a comedy section 7 CD Bill do you ever think about saying something unfunny without recording it now? My tough-guy friends are here, of course, Colin Quinn, and I noticed that recently blue-collar television took over the tough-guy schedule and the network told Colin that viewers were having a hard time understanding everything they said. it said, so they replaced him with Larry the Cable Guy, now my friend Nick DiPaolo is here and you know a lot of people say that Nick is just a big dumb Guinean anyway, about our guest of honor, mr.

Jeff Foxworthy, people you know, Jeff has always been an original and an innovator, you know, back when everyone was doing cheesy observational comedy. Jeff came up with the idea of ​​doing it with a southern accent, very original, a good turn, you're too much of a comedian, which is Wayne Brady. black people, I've seen you dance, never watch that blue college TV when he dances at the end, holy man, remember how GE Smith, what he looked like on Saturday Night Live, you make him look like Baryshnikov in ecstasy, you look like the Olympics Specials at the end. line, you've always stayed ahead of the curve, man, you've really ditched the Keith Partridge haircut and that ferret growing out of your lip, Jesus, that mustache should come with straps and a nipple ring, what are you thinking with your wardrobe with that gay walrus mustache?

You look like one of the Village People on a casual Friday You look like a boy Sonia Harding with the 78 Nova You published 11 books, including a cookbook. You have greeting cards and vending machines. You're like the Martha Stewart popsicle with a smaller book. You're a billionaire you're like Donald Trump without the funny TV show seriously Jeff oh you're a giant sitcom star you deserve your success and look you made enough money to not have to live in the south but that's how it is you choose. you are uh you are the real deal congratulations mr.

greg

Giraldo which is the most insulting thing you could call someone it will make you

laugh

and then you will forget it please welcome the great and funny Thanks Bonaduce Kathy he looks like Ronald McDonald's corpse Lucille Ball then pushed him down. flight of stairs what's under the surgery Kathy Lord even sewed thousands of times but you're still sad to look at yourself like the AIDS quilt tonight a couple of trolls in a giant, all chasing a little sunken-eyed monster who's obsessed with the jewels it's like Lord of the Rings, the great horsemen of Kanto here, this is very excited, yes Karl Karl, you are a legend and you are amazing in Ocean's Eleven, but seriously, why would you make a movie with Brad Pitt and George Clooney?

You are ugly when they are not by your side Brad bit you was like beauty and the deceased you are such a comedy icon that Joan came one of those shitty watches that sells on QVC after you is an edition of Carl Reiner is you have hands with liver spots and time is running out Robin Quivers Robin, you look like a bottle of syrup. I don't want to sound rude, but you must have a huge vagina like an ant, seriously. Mario Cantone is here. Mário, you are a little fairy with a mouth. you're the only one who sticks a ladder into a glory hole your dad must have been devastated when you came out Brad Garrett from Everybody Loves Raymond hello holy freak, how did you get this far on Ray Romano? ass with those screws in his neck and Whitney Whitney Cummings is here for some reason I guess I guess since Cathy and drone have a huge gay following we needed someone who wouldn't follow us around it has to turn out well he obviously knows the answer to the question.

Hey, who do you have to fly to get on one of these roasts and talking about sexually degrading yourself to get ahead and show business? Tom Arnold is here, he's great, you can take some time off from being Rosen's ex-husband to be here, Tom, you're nervous. spaz Joan actually named and now that one of her shits is watching you: it's Tom Arnold, it never stops ticking and it used to come in a giant furry box and we finally get to comedy legend and annoying Jewish lady Gilbert Godfried is here . you smell like urine Gilbert is famously cheap I'm impressed that you're here Gilbert, you know this because you know we do these things you have to buy new clothes you have to take a week off from work but you showed up you tighten your belt and you Came, you're like David Carradine, a sympathetic figure if there ever was one and now it is truly an honor for me to talk about the great comedy Joan Rivers Joan Rivers, an irritating Jewess, the first time I heard your voice my foreskin fell off, what have you done? to your upper lip you blow a holy beehive the last time I saw something that inflated it was floating over Yankee Stadium you look like Steven Tyler the life raft you're not the only one here all these rubber-faced monsters what's going on?

People's hands are here why you're really so good. How much worse could your real face look than that clown mask they welded onto your head? You used to look your age. Now you don't even look like your kind. You once said that you managed to say what everyone else thinks and that's not true, it's not true. I never heard you say holy man, what did I do to his face? I sound like a shocked catfish Joe, you really have an absolutely incredible talent, you are absolutely barren, every comic I know respects you, that's the honest god truth, they all think you're funny.

I think you're the best and at your age you're still relevant, you're still cool and you even had a boob job a few years ago. every man's dream and by this I mean all of tittie the crocodile's dreams first and foremost sir tonight is the funny latin

greg

giraldo

as a regular at all the comedy central roasts he's one step above the guy who cleans the puddles in porn movies please, welcome to the comedies, cruel joke, Greg Giraldo, thank you all very much, Lisa Lampanelli, keep up the good work for that guy, wasn't he funny, seriously, wasn't he hilarious?

I love the pink camouflage Lisa, you like General Faton, holy shit, look at you, fatass, who knew Lane? Bryant has had an army. Lissa actually has a lot in common with that Octomom, that woman who gave birth to all those babies she never gave birth to, but she's had eighty fingers inside her at once, look at her group of bums up here. Gary Busey is here, nice. by Gary I just got back from lobotomy island Jesus Gary, you horse-faced lunatic, you look like Nick Nolte, the Clydesdale, your teeth look like a row of urinals, look at you every time you talk, I want to pee in your mouth, Lauren, do you? that?

What the hell are you doing here, holy Lauren, she was great on Dancing with the Stars, she came in second place and then celebrated by dragging her partner to the top of the Empire State Building. It's great to see Toby key, Toby, I'm glad you can take. free time from spitting on Mexicans to be here Toby uh Toby, you put the big ones and fanatics. I loved your last song. Leave my country on Camel Jockey, and Marcia Brady is here. Maureen McCormick. I love that saintly Marcia Brady you wrote about in your book. They used to trade sex for drugs when I was a kid.

She used to fantasize about having sex with you, which she knew all she needed was an eight ball in a bus station bathroom, and speaking of bathrooms, where's that southern fruit? Jeff Foxworthy is the champion, you look alike. magnum p.i with AIDS my friend stole me Apollo is here Nick, look at you, big, hunched over Guinea, you're like Fonzie with spina bifida and Reindeer Collier. I don't know who or what that is. Don't know. I guess that's part of it. next wave of vulgar people, so it's going to make me want to kill myself or maybe he's just here so Lisa Lampanelli won't be the only fat lesbian on stage and now, Larry the Cable Guy, this is exciting, I have to say.

I've never roasted a fake character before, maybe next year we can roast Spongebob Squarepants. Larry's entire act is a farce like the Bible or the Holocaust. Some people say that he is only successful because he is pandering to the lowest common denominator and so shamelessly and without irony. exploiting people's racist and homophobic tendencies, don't listen to these people, they're just bitter and jealous, and you're right, redneckinbred, you've been inside more farm animals in Purina, they like the Trojan army, you're very patriotic and you both came inside a giant horse, cousin Larry, sweaty and gravy, his first cousin when he was 16 and the last about an hour ago he lost 50 pounds on Nutrisystem in another 10 when you shaved your back Jesus thanks to this one he finally broke my back his fans can't even pay for cable and they don't come because they think you're funny they just haven't ever seen to a cable guy.

You could have come up with other characters that your fans have never seen, like Larry is the dentist or Larry the librarian or Larry the high school diploma. You make more money in a week than I do. do in my life and in me and that feels good. Gotta tell you, you've never done drugs, but watching your successes put me in rehab twice, so thanks for ripping my soul out redneck, our first roaster tonight as part of our Successfully invite a random person to the roasting show . Here's a fun game to play while he talks. See if he can count how many times Pam says who she is.

He met Colin Quinn among a tough crowd. And that's it, welcome the virtually anonymous Greg Giraldo. Thank you, thank you all, Jimmy Kimmel, right? It is not like this? Isn't it about to be cancelled? Keep it up for Jimmy Kimmel. Wow, that was great, Jim. I've never seen you be funny on TV before. Jimmy, how the hell is that show still on the air that wasn't the premise of a joke, it was a real question? Oh, I don't want to say that no one sees it, but more people have seen Dennis Rodman reading, let's see Bea Arthur, of course.

It's here, hello Bea, and it's great to have you here, a living legend and, in fact, you and Pam have a lot in common. You were both the quintessential feminist icons of your time. You were both very successful and you were both blue Kid Rock. btw Pam, Kid Rock, he wanted to be here but he got stuck on a 20 year old guy, what a kimmel, why are you on TV? I don't know why I come back to you, but why are you on TV with? that moon face and that stupid slit in your chin or as you call it Adam Carolla's sperm cup Corolla, look at you, Horsetooth bastard, Corolla, you've got a mouth full of two-by-fours every time you smile.

I remember waterproofing my deck. Corolla is an Italian word that means an eyebrow have some dignity and stick with the radio you look like Pete Sampras with Down syndrome love lines only in America what a crappy show love lines are yeah a teenager calls to Complaining about your miscarriages and anal warts is like listening to Andy Dick's answering machine messages talking about anal warts. Good to see Courtney Love here, Kortnee, what the hell happened? You had a great band, you're a very talented actress, and your career dried up faster than Sarah Silverman's. around guys who can't help her in business, yeah, good to see some Gryphon course.

Eddie Griffin's people said there would be no big movie stars here tonight and they were right, Tommy Lee of course it's hard to criticize a guy for having a huge one but we've all seen the sex tape. Tommy and I know the camera adds five inches, but Jesus, it's so big I had to fast forward two tapes to see it all. My five year old son came in when I was there. Looking great, now I have to explain why the cute blonde girl is being stabbed with the harpoon, of course that brings me to Pam, the beautiful goddess of ham pam pam.

I love you Pam, I've been a fan of yours for so long, but I have to say that seeing you in that sex tape was like a completely new experience for me because until then I had never seen anyone get gonorrhea. That was weird and I worry about you Pam, what's up with the implants they have? They're out there, they're there, yes, you've taken them in and out so many times that they're not contact lenses Pam, her tits, they've crushed you and re-inflated you more times than Jeff Ross's prom date, you're the one. pure the best you are the best you are a vegetarian but you have no problem swallowing a moose you are environmentally conscious but you have caused more seeds to be spilled at the Department of Agriculture I have been a fan of yours for so long and I feel terrible that they are going to abuse you here today who are these nobodies who are these nobodies here to make fun of you people like Lisa Lampanelli.

I'm sure she'll come here and be mean and fast and but you know what, but you know what, she kept him on the cover of Playboy so many times and you didn't have to, Haffner, to do it, anyway, but you didn't have to. do it, it's true, you didn't have to do it. You're multi-talented You have a TV show You're involved in many humanitarian causes You've even written two novels You're busier than Kourtney's pharmacist What's up with book spam? You have two novels. Two novels. You've written more books than you've read Pam, stop being a crappy novelist and stick to what you do best.

You've never seen Ernest Hemingway tit-fucking a rock star, have you? I love your series of shows, show your reach and approve everyone. you can masturbate to a sitcom no matter how unfunny it is. I love it. Piled up. You understand. It's a double meaning. Yes, you work in a bookstore. There are lots there and you are a lot. So we call it stacking. the idea guys she she works in a jewelry store and we call it a pearl necklace what do you think starting on a show about books and reading is like Tom Cruise starring in a show about vaginas now I'll say this Pam, I'm seriously a giant? fan of yours and you know we are going to make fun of you a lot here, but to reach the level that you have reached is a true genius, there really is an absolute genius, people can't help but love you, people can't help but love you.

You are incredibly talented and you are America's sweetheart you are Canadian but those tits were made in America thank you very much none of that let's get it right ladies and gentlemen our first toaster we will get it out of the way so we can enjoy some comedy please , leave it for Greg Giraldo, make some noise, thank you all, keep it up for Katt Williams. People have heard of you, but no one knows what you do, little pimp, being a pimp ain't easy, especially when you have to stand in phone books to hit a This is cool, Katt Williams flava flame, Snoop ice- t, there are so many blacks. books up here I feel like we're doing this roast at least Lampanelli's mouth iced tea is here holy iced tea and fossil oh he said you're so old the first thing you bought with the money from your record contract was your freedom on your first album the word n era black more is here a little more when it comes to movies maybe you should do a little less soul playing holy that was such a horrible shame for black people Brigitte Nielsen tried to make Virginia sincere.

It's good to see you sitting down, darling. I'm assuming you're in rehab and I really hope it works out for you, but seriously, if you want to stop repeating the disgusting things you've done in the past, why don't you sew up your puppy? Is so big. Sylvester Stallone left his career there God, you are a big, macabre woman. I'm talking to you, carrot, Jesus, what happened to your face? Look, how did you do that? How did you find a plastic surgeon who could add a chromosome this way? an ugly group of holy people like giant white women and a group of black guys.

I feel like we're doing one of those baby daddy shows on the Maury Povich show, don't worry Jimmy, we'll be showing that soon too. you had your appendix removed apparently you can get appendicitis from being overrated that was the one that was too giant okay but tho Jeff Ross Geoff, how are you? Geoff just hosted a ridiculous talent show on ABC, a talent show where they give you the balls. That's right, you running a talent show is like Michael Vick running the ASPCA. It's good to see Snoop here. Snoop smokes so much hampi once on a wind-up Snoop.

You are full of toxins. You have killed people and been banned from all countries. the planet you're like chinese toothpaste and now flavor plate guest of honor this is a really exciting game but it's really an honor i've never roasted an oily corpse before you're like excrement with teeth look at yourself i love the crown you look like King Lear got caught in a forest fire You're a black mother You're like a skeleton wrapped in duct tape You look like Idi Amin after three years of doing crack in the Sun Okay clay, well you're the best. man, you are one of the most memorable people in entertainment history and I love the Viking helmet.

I guess British, it's not the only big cold Scandinavian thing you've gotten your head into, right, I used to be a lawyer who's good at At least you can sue someone who told me I was funny enough to be a comedian. Let's hear it from Bob Levy. Everyone respects very few. Road Hacks can rock Paulie's nut hairstyle. You don't have a career, but you still blow-dry your hair every day. when are you going to stop blow-drying your hair Scott Gaye oh it's 2006 and there's no race Bobby makes Colin Quinn look like an up-and-comer I love you, but you're so washed up parents are now telling their kids about Colin Quinn before dinner since they canceled the hard drivers, you've been harder to find than Listerine at Gary's house, you and your twisted sex stories, more old ladies and Medicare reform, speaking of old ladies, it's good to see Jackie, the man from the jokes, Jackie, congratulations on the new show, that's what America is crying out for. for a broke witch Yellin Pollock jokes for an hour Jackie has embarked on a career you didn't deserve in the first place Simmons is here to make me feel famous I've known Fitzsimmons for 15 years I barely know who he is what Rose would be complete without Lisa Lampanelli's tired shit why I normally went so close to a fat girl at 7:30 in the morning it's because I'm coming out of a blackout Lisa sucks so much black Cocker's lips are ashy, no, no offense, Rob, I saw it.

I saw Robin and Lisa in the green room before they had a meeting about who has the sloppiest contractor, they both lost to the Royals and Artie's neck, oh god look at you, saying you got carried away is like saying Gary isn't classically handsome, you look worse than your chair smells how did you get addicted to heroin? Roeper gave him the thumbs down syndrome, okay, Sal and Richard, could you two just suck each other off? Already Jesus Christ. I've seen almost more subdued sexuality at the A Chorus Line cast party, bag it more than Bill McGreevy on meth, guest of honor Baba.

Booey Gary, I wouldn't miss this for the world and the only way Howard would have missed it is if your dead dad was lying here. I was sexually abused when he was a child by his babysitter. No, there is no shame in that, but it is shameful that you believe. the guy when he said if you played with your balls your teeth would shrink you had your fat ass that ridiculous Cro-Magnon cup with no stubby ends the only thing missing is a helmet on the slime cup usually when I see someone who looks like you they're being a walk to the playground by his horribly deformed 90 year old mother when you said you're the luckiest person in the world, seriously, how did you become successful?

You have to be the only homeowner in Greenwich whose only skills are trivia and flossing with a jump rope. Break your balls. I seriously care how your wife can break your balls with your limited skills and those ghoulish looks. How could you think you could achieve more than you already have the next time out? You gotta tell him that looking at me, it's a miracle, I'm not in a cage at a carnival, suck it anyway, you're a great guy and we're obviously all busting your balls here today, but I want you to know that I really mean all of this, too I mean this, about all the talentless parasites on the radio, you have the most screwed up face, it was a well-crafted joke, there was a clever joke about the dead father, well-crafted, I totally approve, it's great, that's the funniest joke today.

Are you saying wait then? until it sounds buddy and why that's a point that's well-crafted, smart, sounds innovative and cheesy, let's get on this train wreck, can we do its annual disappearance again? Please welcome unknown comedian, one of my favorites, Greg Giraldo, thank you, thank you John Stamos. Isn't it great? John played bongos in a Beach Boys video wearing a pink tank top that might have been gayer if George Michaels was in your lap shoving meth up your ass with Rupert Everett's fist. You're in the ER now, John. congratulations you are like Susie Essman's vagina you are almost useless but somehow you still work John was John was married to my favorite supermodel Rebecca Romijn O'Connell join you lost your wife to the fat boy from stand by me oh look You , you greasy Greek bastard.

I look at you and wonder how there can be an energy crisis. We shouldn't be drilling in Alaska. We should be squeezing your family's pillowcases near McDonald's. Is here. One of the mostfun that has ever existed. Nora has a giant game of chance. problem he dropped more coin in a casino Michael J Fox in a parking meter he's a disgusting brownie moaner Brian Posehn look at him that giant demon we've all seen you shirtless on the Sarah Silverman show it's hard to believe you can be so out of shape Considering how often the townspeople must chase you with torches, the great Cloris Leachman is, of course, here.

Cloris Leachman Cloris is so old that she lost her virginity to a druid. What are you doing here? Cloris made the only personal talent you want. The Oscars in nine Emmy Awards when it comes to winning awards have been more voracious than Jon Lovitz and the all-you-can-eat buffet Jon Lovitz, you gay weevil, come on John, there hasn't been a more feminine Jew in the closet since Anne Frank. with you you're a mess you're the way you are like a squeal with tits I guess Cloris Leachman is here to make you look whole Gilbert Godfree is hereGilbert recently had a baby, who would you have the sex appeal of a school bus?

You will fire the man of the moment Bob Saget. Everybody Bob Saget Bob Bob. You are a genital wart in American culture. Oh really. Who cares about Bob Saget with your long neck? pointy beak and granny glasses you like the concept of stork with pickles Vlasic instead of giving birth to babies you're not funny you're like my seven year old son you think swearing is funny and you're not surprised you're the same size as it was first grade and where the hell are the Olsen twins the Olsens are like Tom Green's testicles they look the same but one is fake and empty inside and the other has been licked by Heath Ledger I would be fine with that I read an interview where you refer to yourself as an artist you are joking as an artist you use the phrase as an artist you are a vortex of artistic commitment Charlie Sheen watches you and feels good about himself you are an artist in the same way that Cloris Leachman is damp you are not an artist Bob and stop enjoying your ironic hypnotism you're not cool stop trying to be fashionable in a moment your act you actually say who your dad is say my name look me in the eyes right that holy thing couldn't shudder harder if I see my mom in a video of a betting house.

I'm done being bad Bob. I've seen you many times, you've always been funny and super cool and everyone who knows you loves and respects you, no one ever has a bad one What I have to say about you and that says it's particularly surprising because you're Jewish and you're nasty people . Thank you very much, let me do it, because these Colombians and Andy Dick needed cocaine lord Gregg, thanks Pillsbury, guys, seriously, how. about a hand for bald Nathan Lane, everyone, isn't it Jason? Jason, that was a refreshing change these days, the only time you're funny is on a rerun you've done, you've really tried to hold on after Seinfeld you had shows like Bob Patterson and listen those shows disappeared faster than a plate of percocet in Farrah Fawcett's house you've been on more shifts than Andy Dick's penis watch her dance fat guys old ladies in an Asian I feel like I'm on a bus to Atlantic City, check this out Nichelle Nichols Farrah Fawcett and Betty White.

I will bring women I would masturbate with 30 years ago for a thousand. Someone get me a time machine so I can make a couple. What a cruel joke. women you'd want thirty years ago and one I wouldn't do 30 beers from now farrah fawcett God, if you were a '70s icon that post review in holy swimsuit, that poster caused more DNA to be spilled than a crime lab technician with Parkinson's disease ya lo lange your fat drunk lazy aarti your liver has more holes than Mel Gibson's apology your livers are so black Lisa Lampanelli tried to get me to never call again Artie your friend George Takei it's here sorry to bother you George, I know it couldn't be easy being a gay Japanese in the 50's.

I mean, it had to be almost impossible to pronounce glory hole with a Japanese accent. Georgia, you'll be glad to know Jeff Ross is here. Jeff is such. a huge you won't have to spit on your first to our guest of honor now the great the great William Shatner all bill is uh that was quite an entrance when I heard someone was coming on a horse I thought wow! The network will really let Andy Dick and Lisa Lampanelli have their way Billa, you're not just brilliant, old and fat, you're an inspiration, you prove that not having talent can be seen as hip and ironic, you overact more than Betty.

White Wow's bladder, then and of course there was TJ Hooker. The only thing I remember from that show was your hair on that sexy girl, what's her face? Adrienne is a doctor, what happened to her? You are a, you are a humanitarian. work with a foundation to bring peace to the Middle East and whatever you're doing, keep it up, it's really working, it's really working, you know, one of the most surreal parts of this business is that I get to stand here and scoff. from a legend like you, you were a big part of my youth and you made Captain Kirk larger than life and honestly no actor who ever lived could have done more with that role and the fact that you are still Do the Best job you've done today when statistically you should be dead.

It's really very inspiring. Thank you so much. He has been a promising young comedian for over 20 years. Thank you all. Thanks, Brad Garrett, everyone, keep up the good work for that giant. Jew, he must have had a foreskin like a circus tent. Tom Arnold is here Tom, of course, is famous for marrying Roseanne Barr and that's pretty much it. Tommy Tommy John thought about replacing Cheech with Tom Arnold, they were going to be called leeches and Chong, come on, Wilmer Valderramas here, how's that for Enrique Iglesias calling a dryer and coming out smaller and gayer? Here you are so gay Lindsay Lohan and you made her gay Ralphie May of course it's here Ralphie you like the population of India you are loudly sweaty and doubles in size every year the only guy who watches porn and when the guy hands over the pizza Angela with your greasy ponytail you look like a male stripper who swallowed a male stripper it's good to see that weird little cashier here - what a weirdo Tom Arnold usually is the only guy in a room was made to live doing absolutely nothing more than flirting with a fat, lazy guy with a bad haircut Penn & Teller you are like the new Siegfried and Roy your big Las Vegas artists do elaborate tricks and one of you doesn't I'm not talking anymore Shelby Chagas here, holy shit, how old and sexy Shelby Chong is here while Cheech's balls are smoke Oh no, I actually teach, he has a hot Russian wife, Tommy wanted to have one too, but as a criminal he can't order things for a man.

Teach and John just when he thought they were gone came back, but like comedy herpes, that's exciting and what a career you've had. After you broke up, Cheech became a big TV star and Chong went to jail, you guys are like Lance. Armstrong's testicles, one of you kept surfing for a long time and the other stopped working, you ripped it from his house and finally left it to rot in the can. My impression of Tommy Chong in prison, hey what are you trying to do? You ruined my rectum, man, you love to play. golf and uh and some people say that's a traitorous move for Mexican Americans that's bullshit.

What could be more Mexican than sweating on a freshly cut lawn with dirty balls and a bag full of weapons? Cheech met Chong in Canada, where Cheech went to avoid the draft wow, you are the first Mexican to leave the country illegally, you know what you guys are the best. I'm serious, I love them, they've been great comedy heroes to me. I'm so excited they're back. Thank you for having me here and over the past year, this man has failed on three different television series, four if you count how we are going to eliminate him from the show tonight, ladies and gentlemen, very funny man, Greg Giraldo, thank you, one inexplicable success story, but I will tell you.

You're something, this is an awkward situation for people like me. I mean, what the hell have I accomplished? Look, this guy is a comedy giant. I'm supposed to make fun of them. I can only dream of making three good films and forty-one, there is none. interesting famous people up here look at me, including me I know I'm a nobody, but this was supposed to be a big night for me. I was supposed to rub shoulders with big shots look at these people, you've been in 40 movies, the biggest movie star. here's Al Franken and OJ Rose would have attracted more star power no Aykroyd no Marie you couldn't even have gotten any of those midgets you worked with under the rainbow they always light up a room knock down the midgets we have booster seats right?

Paul, where are the dwarves? You could have brought some midgets, the guys where it's coming from, it would have been a party, but tonight it's not about Chevy and again I feel uncomfortable hitting you. You've done things I can only dream of. Only in my wildest fantasies could I hope to have a six-week career hosting a talk show. They made Arsenio appear visible here. The program lasted six weeks. Sally Jessy Raphael has lasted 16 years. That's got to feel good late at night, huh, oh, you know. cut for years for symmetry, shut up xx I felt like 40, joking aside honestly it's exciting to be here honoring Chevy, is it Chevy or Chevy?

Chevy, he's uh, he's he's, he's exciting, a comedy icon and living proof that you can really snort the Grace that comes out of yourself, thank you and I appreciate you, Chevy.