Best of XFM Ricky Gervais Show

too afraid to bother you because he knows you'll just walk out of here and he won't get his money. Play a record you don't like, weasel. You're a weasel because his parents are now and then he won't, he's not going to

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up because he mentioned it in heat and then his parents might look, yeah, are you wearing that? I don't like them seeing things, did I tell you? It goes back to when I did burrito at school I don't want people to look at me what's that just reading us in burrito what happened was just you know I was there to play the drums and that uh in the three little kings uh I loved it you know, I got carried away a little.

How old were you, around 13, yes, probably, yes, around 10, no, around 10, probably, yes, in the day and then an hour to learn what you're talking about, what school you were at. The primary or secondary toddlers didn't really do that, it was wrong, they still have to abide by the laws of the land in Manchester, no, but it was much more like if you had babies, yes, you had the old ones too. There are kids that when you're in the youngest year and you see kids speak English and they use terms that people use when they talk about school, I don't even want to talk about that, no, how old were you?

I'm thinking. I'm maybe six, seven or eight, so you went from 13 to six, yes, but like I say, it's hard to remember because imagine if you were living evidence in a trial, yes, yes, how are we? I don't know, yeah, I mean, uh. I don't know, I can't really limit it to more than seven years either way, you know, in theory, yeah, they could call him for jury duty. Okay, Carl, what did you learn? Like I said, I don't like reading boxes. too much, it's too much work, I'm busy, yeah, I don't really like reading books, but go on, I did well, so I was looking through this magazine and it was more about you know, I'm not that impressed.

With Einstein and Newton and that lock no, why should you be what I've ever done? go on, no, but you know, you know the fact that you see that Columbus is another here, you have better praise for finding America, yeah, and it's like someone else would have realized that at some point, yeah, right, yeah, the news this week found two new types of frogs right no one is making a fuss and look how small they are compared to what crashed and that's what I'm saying people make a big deal out of all these people that they find things right, yeah, so the next one, I mean my head is buzzing, but it doesn't bother me, it doesn't really bother me, I don't think this reaction is a good reaction I don't know where to start with this nonsense, but keep going okay so anyway next guy who next guy I don't see I don't know you talking riddles next guy I'm going to talk about yeah everyone raves about him all the time yeah so I'm trying to get in in the head, yeah, like why is it surprising that that, yeah, okay, so I read a little bit about it in this science magazine, yeah, I read it right now.

Only you alone know that I don't know 200 words, whatever it is, trying to convey what he figured out, but I read it last night, are you talking about relativity? Yeah, okay, from what you remember, the 200 words, anyway, I read it and I was like no, I don't know what's going on here, so Suzanne was with me, can you read this? I said I'm watching sex in the city I said okay but can you read it and explain to me what I don't understand there? That's why it's cool, it's like she's thinking I don't have kids, yeah, and yet he still loves me. to help him with his homework and I'm watching TV I've been at work she said look go to the bedroom read out loud maybe it makes more sense if you read it out loud yeah that's right I'll go and do that one was good because of anyway it's cold in there so I went in there so I read uh twice I came back and said I didn't understand it yet so she said well wait 10 minutes and I saw it so I just sat there watching.

Trying to figure it out before she had to look at it, I was like, no, I forget now. What she was saying is if you send the man to the moon, yeah, right, yeah, she was saying, uh, to the guy that was on the rocket, yeah. It would seem like 20 years to win yes, not the moon, but yes, no, that's what he said, the moon said, well he wouldn't because it's just about no, but listen, listen, so it took him 20 20 years to the type, but the people who If we were on Earth, it would seem like 2000.

Yes, because since time is relative, no, no, I don't know what you mean, well, listen, the fact is that it tends towards the speed of light , where it really makes a difference. I've even done it with atomic clocks where they sent one even in concord and it's like point not one of the second difference, what is the clock? Yes, yes, because at higher speeds, but why does speed affect our clock? Works correctly. I know this is competition speed, sorry Steve, look what I've done. I don't think this is a conversation to have on a Saturday afternoon radio

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Basically, the speed is equal to the students over time when the speed does not change. and neither distance nor time has to be like that, that's your theory, yes, well, I've been to concerts, but what comes to mind probably is when I tried a concert for the first time and it wasn't a music one, it was um, it was the one below. you know, years ago because it was in Manchester in about I don't know 87 88 or something and uh, they set me up for a blind date right about this time, uh, a friend of mine set me up to see.

This is what you said, let's get to the bottom of it, well, I didn't say it, I just said, man, that the Apollo, I bet it was on the moon, wasn't it very romantic, was going to see some middle-aged men running around in pants, cool? It's good, it's one of the things that you have something to talk about later, right? of the night, yeah, I think she liked that and then we looked down, then we chatted a little and then you didn't see her again, I guess I would have done well, she was fine looking at everything, yeah, but when we were when we were chatting she said uh she had a problem with her bone marrow she had a problem with her bone marrow she had a problem with her bone marrow yes you mean her bone marrow yes oh I thought you mentioned everyone attached to Fanny not just a face to that rick that's an image I can't get out of my head and it's so serious I was only part of it because I thought it's more serious than the problem with Omaro yeah I mean it's an idea if you I'm bored but I love it, I love it, everything he says is like someone from Kez, it was just that because you didn't want to date a girl who might be sick in some way, well yeah, I thought, what's the point? about spending time with her, spending money on her and stuff and then she's going to die with me no, no, no, but seriously, no, but I see that this is what's bothering.

You asked me to be honest, I'm just saying what's the point. at me getting angry and stuff I know but that's not the only thing you said what's the point of spending money on her if she's going to die anyway? You have to realize that it's not a normal thing to say no, but what's the point of getting it? I really like knowing you know meeting someone and thinking oh she's so nice I want to spend my life with her it's a good thing she told me when she did it oh what's she doing butt oh my god this is the most amazing thing you've ever seen don't you understand what I'm saying but not because well first is the assumption that she's going to drop dead and you're going to take a lot of doors I don't know what it means when you have a problem with the spinal cord and that, but she seemed quite serious when she was talking about it, so I said, oh my teeth, I don't want to say anything until it's wrong, I'll tell you, I'll explain it to you. for you during the break, play the record, I don't really have anyone I can use, doesn't mean nothing serious is happening, no, what are the last few weeks, but don't drink, no, no, right, this really It bothers me when you say something is happening because you call it monkey news, but it's not monkey news, you have stories of dubious one minute silence stories about how it's always chimpanzees, which bothers me calling it monkey because it's apes, does it bother me?

TRUE? and it's often from the 18th century, so it's not news anyway, so don't tell me there aren't monkeys, if there's news about monkeys that's worth it, I'll know about it, and there's nothing good, okay? you're going to give some news about monkeys, one more, okay, I'll tell you. I'm telling you that you have to give me some news about monkeys or we won't go well. Well, my mom sent me some. I got a little letter from her doing the usual sort of thing telling what she's been up to in that uh. It was a little thing about uh somewhere in Lincolnshire or something, what do you mean because a guy was attacked by one once and to remember it on this certain day they say oh, it was today and that guy was attacked by a little monkey ? in that and uh something about Chuckie Monk is that it's horrible, I don't know if they're real, I think it's just like remembering it, but that's the only kind of stuff that's floating around out there, but it shouldn't be there.

There's more monkey news than that, there's nothing, I mean there are snippets, it was a bit about Donna about how when she has a kid she's going to let a gorilla take care of him for a week or something, but other than that he's dead . out there well, I don't know what that means, she's, well, that's it, it's not true, she's not going to let a gorilla take care of her, apparently a partner works with him or something, and this is garbage, it's not rubbish, how can you leave it? a gorilla takes care of a baby for a week I will forget, have you ever heard of her?

Can I give you a little information? If someone sent you an email Carl, they told you an interesting fact, I think you are You're going to be interested in this, don't read it in the email, let me read it for you. I think you'll be excited about him. An interesting fact about Carl, who is from Toby, he says that Attila, the king, punished a guy who bothered him by cutting off his arms and legs, you will love this and sewing his arms back where his legs should be and vice versa, look at his face like a small smile that just appeared on his lips, that's the kind of fat you've been waiting for all day.

It is not like this? So, Attila, right, one guy didn't like it, he cut off his arms and legs and sewed his legs where his arms should be and his arms where his legs should be, looking at his body trying. to imagine it for a while and then I'll ruin it for you, carl, what are you thinking? I'm just throwing it out there, well he would have died, it would have been symbolic, there's no way that person could have survived, so it was just for Man it's funny, he probably put it on a stick outside his door or something.

There is no way in those days that he could have suffered a complete limb amputation and, therefore, he would have worn a sweater instead of pants.