Rodney Dangerfield Has Jackie Gleason Bursting Out in Laughter (1970)

- Ladies and gentlemen, Rodney Dangerfield. (applause and applause) - Thank you very much. (laughing softly) - Rodney, tell me, is it true? Do they really not respect you? - Jackie, I don't get any respect at all. - No? - I mean, I remember when I was a kid we played hide and seek. Well, they wouldn't even look for me. (loud

laughter

) I tell you that the same thing happens with my friends, there is no respect. - No? - Well, my friends tell me that when I call them on the phone, I should use a certain signal. Let it ring twice, hang up and don't call again. (Laughing out loud) I'm telling you, Jackie, I respect you, you know?

You look great. I mean, you look thin. - Well, it's really no problem to look thin. - Seriously, there is no problem? Well, tell me, how thin do you look? - He only hangs out with really fat people, that's all. (loud

laughter

) (applause) - It really looks great, you know? But I will tell you that for me there is something more important than appearance, you know? For me, what counts is underneath, the soul, the depth. That's what's important, not appearance. I mean, how many times when walking down the street do you see a tall, handsome man walking arm in arm with a short, fat, ugly girl?

I never saw that, did you ever see that? I never saw it, you know? (Laughing out loud) I thought I saw that. I mean, looks don't mean anything. I have a niece, an ugly girl, she got married, now she is happy, she married an ugly guy. And today they have two very ugly children. (Laughing out loud) In fact, they are all so ugly that they only keep the negative ones in their family album. (laughing out loud) And I'm telling you, there are always problems, you know? I mean, I just broke up with my psychiatrist. (Laughing out loud) Yes, this afternoon, for the first time, I told them that I was suicidal.

He told me that from now on I have to pay in advance. (laughing out loud) I'll tell you, with me, I just can't get a break, you know? I mean, I flew here from New York to do the show, I'm never as lucky as the seat next to me, a pretty girl or something, I always have a loser. An old man sat next to me, he must have been about 80 years old, you know? We had dinner together on the plane. I mean, this guy was old. I asked him to pass me the salt and pepper, he had to make two trips. (laughing out loud) and I tell you that I was nervous the entire flight.

I mean, I got nervous as soon as the pilot made the first announcement about him. He asked if the Miami airport was open late Thursday night. (laughing out loud) I don't know, there's always something, you know? Sometimes I turn to my wife for understanding. But she is a cold person, she always was cold. I remember the first time I kissed her I felt guilty. (Laughing out loud) Yes, because she wanted to open her eyes. And I know that when you kiss you shouldn't open your eyes. I told myself, go ahead, don't feel guilty, open your eyes, you know?

Then I opened my eyes. She was looking at me. (laughing out loud) I'll tell you with me, I get into trouble over little things. Like the last time I cut my hair, my wife told me she was terrible. I said, "Why is my haircut terrible?" She said, "Why? 'Because it looks like you got a haircut.' Yeah, it says when you get a haircut, it's not supposed to look like you got a haircut. She said, 'Harry got a haircut,'" "Nobody even knew Harry cut his hair." I said, "So how do you know Harry cut his hair?" (Laughing out loud) So now I have a new problem.

Next week I have to get a haircut and I don't want it to look like I cut it. So what I'm doing now is trying to find a barber who doesn't look like a barber. (laughing out loud) (applause) I told you. I'm telling you, there's always something with my wife, you know? Like the other day, the other day she told me that she gave me the best years of her life. What worries me now is, I mean, what's coming? (loud laughter) (applause) You know, they say that behind every successful man there is a woman. Take a good look at me, will you? (Laughing out loud) I mean, can you imagine what I have behind me? (Laughing out loud) I mean, even in my own house I don't get any respect.

I mean, sometimes I want to have a few drinks, you know, my wife hides the bottle. I admit that I am a bad drinker. I'm not unpleasant or anything. But I will tell you that when I drink, the next day I have to do two things. I have to try to locate my car (laughs) and I have to bring back the car I took, I'm a bad drinker. (laughing out loud) (applause) Thank you. It's nice here, you know, Jackie Gleason Show, they treat you good. Miami Beach, palm trees, everything, it's so pretty, you know? So different from my neighborhood.

I live in New York, on the West Side, you know? Tough, tough neighborhood. I'll tell you, I live in the only neighborhood where when I plan my budget, I take mugging money into account. (Laughing out loud) It's a difficult neighborhood, I assure you, where I live no one respects the law. Last week on my block they raffled off a patrol car. (Laughing out loud) Yes, with two police officers still inside. (Laughing out loud) And there's a police station right on my block. Even the police are afraid. The only police station I know of has a peephole in the front door. (Laughing out loud) However, I will tell you that there is one police officer who is really tough.

I saw him the other night, this cop, and he's tough. And this cop fired three warning shots at the guy he was warning. (Laughing out loud) I'll tell you the truth, there is one thing in this country that I can't understand. I mean, the streets are not safe, the parks are not safe, the subway is not safe, but under our arms we have total protection. (loud laughter) (applause) (mumbling off microphone) (applause) You're fine. And I'll tell you, my son, you know, and I'll tell you, my son, he goes to the toughest school in New York. I had to go there last week, the kid was acting out, you know, I went to see the guidance counselor.

They told me that he was out, that he will be back in one or three years. (laughing out loud) I'll tell you, my son's school, forget about the story. Children there believe Washington crossed into Delaware because he had a little girl in Jersey. (Laughing out loud) No, it's a difficult school. I look in the graduation book, each child has two poses, one in front and one in profile. (Laughing out loud) And that's where I live, New York, 86th Street, West Side. I live in an old building there, you know? A much older building. I live in the kind of building where when I take a shower, I never get under it right away.

The first five minutes I get rusty. (Laughing out loud) And while I'm showering, if anyone in the building takes a drink of cold water, I'll get burned. (Laughing out loud) Yes, and I have radiators that whistle. I found out why they hiss. I mean, the heat rarely rises, they celebrate it, it's a big deal for them there. (loud laughter) (applause) You're fine. (mumbles off microphone) And I'll tell you, when things go wrong in the department, I don't get help from the superintendent, he won't fix anything. I'm always looking for the superintendent. He won't go up. Last week I tried to trick him.

I said, "Come on, let's have a party." He said, "Should I bring something?" I say, "Yeah, a wrench and your galoshes." (Laughing out loud) And I'll tell you something else in my neighborhood that I don't like, they always come asking for donations. Support different movements, impulses, causes. Guy knocked on my door last week and told me that the Korean people need our help. And he said that if I give just one dollar, then Su Goo (laughs) and his wife and his 12 children will have rice for a whole year. And not only will we have rice for a whole year, but all the children will receive books and pencils.

And Su Goo can get a new boat. And they can send four kids to college. (laughs) And I told him I'd be very happy to give Su Goo a dollar if he showed my wife how to stretch the money that far, you know, I'm telling you. (applause)