Bert Kreischer Eats His Last Meal

Hello, I'm Bert Kryer and my

last

meal

would be bone broth, a breakfast sandwich and Scrapple, a Cuban sandwich, a public sandwich and SOS hash, better known as on a shingle and carbonara, a bone and ribeye and a country fried steak and a kilo of lime. dessert cake each person has exactly two things in common we all have to eat and we are all going to die today we are joined by the comedian podcaster vodka impressario and the man who once defecated in a pizza box to win an election B believe welcome to the program, It's a great introduction.

Thank you so much. I usually have to give my own introductions. CU. People go, so tell me about yourself. It's an old school radio that's good. uh Bert, you're running for president in 2024 so what? kind of box you're going to poop in to cure the class divide in America for those who don't know. I ran for office and shit on a pizza box to win the election. Do you remember exactly what I can tell you? I can know the whole story well, the title is very funny, that you were running not to be president, it was worthy Keeper of the Annals worthy Keeper of the Annals appropriately Josh Young was running I was running against him he had a suit and tie and a pointer laser The laser pointers had just come out and he had a five point presentation and my friend Bren Bracken says, you should go because I used to run naked just as a joke and he says, you should go up, I said I can.

But if I do, I think I'm going to shit and he told me to do that, so I came out with a tie, my whole platform was I have nothing to hide. I came out with just a tie and totally naked. I looked at the group. I didn't say anything, I turned around and there was a group, the president's previous panel and everything was standing in front of me like behind me, so I turned around. I was in front of them when I started going number two, I went number two. one that's why they call him two is one plus another one is fine and I peed on his feet and they didn't know what he was doing, they just saw that and said: why are you peeing on us? and then the smell hit and I swear to God people jumped out of Windows.

I'm Absol, the stock market crash on Black Friday was chaos and then they revised the votes and I won by a landslide. Have you ever thought about your

last

meal

before me? I think so, all I do is think about death, all I do is think about death. I think about death every day. I thought about it today in my sauna. I think about death a lot more than I should, but I think it's what inspires me to live. I've done a lot more than the average person should do and when I die no one should say anything more than "that guy did it like that guy really really went after him and he still can't help it." Get rid of your own fear of death, no matter how many experiences you ruin.

Maybe sometimes I think I just don't believe in death because then I go, well, it hasn't happened to me. B, for course number one, we have breakfast. Supreme Sandwich, we have a toasted bun, we have a fried egg, sausage with American cheese and bacon. Then if you move here, we just have a nice piece of very hard fried scrapple, served with all your favorite condiments, maple syrup, we have grape jelly, ketchup and mustard. and then some bone broth. Can I serve you? Please please. I love bone broth. I'm excited because we're late to the bone broth game.

What brought you into the bone broth game? I had a coach who was traveling. with us and she had bone broth and it was always so good and then I started to realize that it's a pleasure to make bone broth like once you finish making a couple like bone-in rib eyes or like those Tomahawk steaks cat I throw them in a pot, put onions, carrots, celery, lots of garlic, a little jalapeño and let it cook overnight and then the next morning I have a treat waiting for me, damn that's lovely, well , regards for the bone broth.

Greetings, brother, it should. They'll be cocktails, but it's so good we have to make one. We have a bottle of porous, the vodka that you created. There's a cocktail called a bullshot that I think is just beef bullion and vodka shaken over ice and it's one of my favorite things. In the world, if we could, can we, can we line up some shots? I mean, we don't have to line them up, but line them up, line them up, holy cow, the best thing about throwing a vodka is that no one ever tells you not to do it.

Don't drink baby this is a business since you're naked in a Target your wife is like you invested a couple million dollars in this vodka keep drinking big guy we got we got bottles to sell this bone bra , that's great, you guys made this from scratch. The secret is to put a cinnamon stick in there for just 10 minutes and then we take it out? It's a little aromatic. Actually yeah, that's really interesting. Tell me about the breakfast change. Why is this part of your last meal? So if there is a heaven and my heaven will be making my daughter's breakfast sandwiches, that will be my heaven every morning in heaven, my daughters will come and say, let's make breakfast sandwiches, it's just that my dad made me breakfast sandwiches when I was a girl and there is nothing better.

There's nothing in the world like having a hangover and having a sandwich for breakfast and drinking until 3:00 in the morning last night. Do you eat a big guy now? I'll tell you this. I always cut a breakfast sandwich in half to see my cross section, that's how you judge how oh the egg squirted eggs look at that man their eggs are so amazing come on let me come in and try B, Come on, I have to be honest with you, I bet it took them at least a couple of months and then to have chickens where they like, we can eat them too like me, we just ate these eggs.

OMG, that's so good. A little bread is so good. I love that you're someone who shows love through food because I. Remember Tom Sigura telling a story about how when you and him were broke, Comics also lived next door to Roy Choy before he started Ki, you cooked dinner for everyone and Tom said it was like eating at a restaurant he couldn't afford . at mhm I fell in love with the Food Network in 2001 and started watching the Food Network aggressively. I fell in love with Jamie Oliver. I bought all of his cookbooks. I started learning how to cook through his cookbooks.

I fell in love with Ming. I fell in love with Bobby fle met Bobby fle, but it was my favorite thing, so I got really into cooking and I just went and found a great Jamie Oliver recipe, bought all the ingredients, took it home and I cooked and Roy Choy lived next door to Yo, the last thing he wanted to do was cook CU, he was a chef. Tommy had no money and he was fat as shit. He loved to eat, so I made great meals. I remember he used to make them, um Beef Carpaccio and and Roy says wow, this is great, it's so good, how did you do it?

And I go, I got steaks, he said, hey, I was like I just got a steak from Ralph's. I just kept it raw and then ate a meal that changed everything. I made a white chili and instead of using chilis, I got the wrong cans and I bought jalapenos and I put 12 cans of jalapenos in there and it was so bad that Roy went home and left and Tom and I ate it, we were like we were I'm going to have diarrhea tomorrow that's good and you told Roy Choy not to start the Ki truck yeah he asked me I'm thinking about quitting my job and I said man that's a horrible idea and he said no no No, listen to me.

I want to have a taco truck, make it my own taco truck. I can prepare my own meals. I can make Korean Fusion BBQ and he's like, "I'll be my own boss and that way I can make money doing that." That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard in my life and I remember getting a call from Steve Burn and Vince Vaugh one night and they said, "You know Roy Choy, right?" I said, yeah, and they said, can you take us to your taco?" truck and I were like what and they say there are 900 people here and we can't get to the front of the line.

I mean, he introduced me to all these amazing chefs who are the biggest names in culinary in the culinary world right now. I just don't remember their names, that's amazing, man, yeah, between telling Roy not to start Ki and kicking an 11x platinum guitarist out of your band in college, it seems like you have shitty instincts always at the ready, yeah, Shout out to Creed, uh. we were going to ban me John Daker Ben Carter Brent Bracken the same guy who had me on the pizza box, yeah classic, but both Daker and Bracken were like my best friends, we had a band called handing out spankin and, by the way, a much better name than Creed.

I think I thought so too Christian and just so you know he was at the forefront of where Limp Biscuit ended up. It was going to be Fred Durst before Fred Durst and then Mark Shani was in our band, he was playing with us in the garage. he was so good that B and I realized that he would realize how bad we are and kick us out and this is our band so we thought, let's kick him out and so we got on our side. Ben Carter was a great drummer and I don't want to lose him but we thought no the majority rules man you can't spank and he said I'm the best person to spank and then I remember everyone said we should go see the Mark's new band.

And I was cool, the first show they played was at the Mill in Tallahassee in Monroe and we went to the mill and played a picture of Killians and Creed and we saw Creed and we thought they're really good, I mean can you? Imagine watching Creed play and saying: Who do we kick out? I remember B Carner was like we kicked out the wrong guy, but yeah, Mark Trani was in my frat, he was like a transfer from Clemson or Auburn, by the way, he denies any of that happened. like us, we walk up to try to do stuff and he's like, yeah, I don't remember that and we're like, okay, BR, tell me about scrapple, why the hell is there liver mush in your food, this is a staple. . where my mom grew up from, Pennsylvania Dutch country, where scrapple is from and we all had scrapple growing up and it was like a delicacy, my dad made fun of it and my mom says no one makes fun of scrapple, yeah, that's my single excavation.

How do you eat it? I'm a mustard ketchup and hard mustard ketchup guy. I don't really mix it up. I know this sounds crazy because I know that ketchup is kind of salty, right, yeah, it's like it's pretty sugary. But in the end it is quite salty. there's a lot of salty spices m baby boy baby birdie boy great crispy on the outside mhm my my family is actually Pennsylvania Dutch from Allentown Pennsylvania really every time I go to Philly, I go to burds baby, I stop at the Ring Terminal Market and I bought a piece of leing cheese sandwich just serves I don't know what's in it, mainly organs, oats and spices.

I guess I drink a lot of alcohol, that absolutely has to be talking about alcohol. You recently said that you get anxious about getting this. afraid of death when you are hungover um, you have also said that you have a deep love for alcohol, we are all caught in this equation in life, the right to weigh happiness in the moment versus how long I can maintain this happiness. How is that mathematical equation quantified? Life without momentum isn't really life, it's just predictable and then you just walk this Earth until you die, like friends of mine in the business who are pretty focused and going to their place. and then they go home and play video games and then I'm like, yeah, but don't you want the Dazzle, the sparkle of life?

Don't you want me to hit you? And then I have friends who I will receive text messages from and they. It's like how cool White Russians are in an airport at 8:a. m., but it's but I love it, I love it, I love it, like when you said we should have drinks of I wasn't going to drink today I really wasn't going to drink today, but when you said that, my heart skipped a beat. It gives me chills. It's like a first kiss. It really is. It is nice. That's what it means to drink cold beer in the morning.

The problem is drinking and this is where I have run. in that, y'all, I've talked openly about my drinking failures and victories and how when I got it fully charged, I had 275 PBS. I was drinking, we'd wake up, we'd start partying, we'd eat mushrooms, we'd drink, we'd go rafting down the river, it was a blast, but once it rots, once it becomes what you need to level you up, then you have to re-evaluate it because you want drinking to complement your life, not define your life, I mean. there's a real joy in sobriety, there really is a real joy and sobriety and if you're listening to this right now and you're thinking, huh, that doesn't make sense, no, no, wake up sober and chase the day have a cup of coffee go into a Polar Plunge, going into a sauna, exercising, like taking your daughter to school, listening to a podcast with your wife, like just talking and being around people, there's an absolute, sincere joy in that, but it's nothing compared to a martini with your dad, You know, like your dad, buddy, let's go get a steak and you're like, oh yeah, oh man, like I'm going to, now I'm going to drink today, bird for course number two, we. got the padoo now this was made by executive producer Analise Cabal's Cuban mother she literally left it this morning we have the platinums we have the rice we have the beans we have a sub publ we spent the night legit thebread and the chicken tenders and the buffalo dip from Publix, we actually had an artist hand draw the actual paper they use for the sandwiches for maximum authenticity and then OMG we have a Kuban sandwich from Lunda in Tampa , Florida, we spent the night here all the ingredients and then of course the Bullshot cocktail.

It's that soup with the poor vodka Bears, we just mash it up SLA uh, I'll do whatever you do, man, let's kill him, kill him, waa, could you, that's something that's the best thing you've ever tried that's something you know what is this is a skinny Bloody Mary this is a skinny Bloody Mary that's like a carnivorous Bloody Mary that's a carnivorous Bloody Mary you have to make that the official cocktail by the way, I might need another one just to I can figure out what the flavor was in that because it was really amazing, that was really amazing, BR, tell me about picadeo, picadeo is a staple food, it's one of my favorite foods.

I went to uh, all the women who worked in the kitchen. They were all older Cuban women, so we only ate Cuban food that we had just eaten in your high school cafeteria, our high school cafeteria, so picadeo was like every Thursday you eat picadeo, it's much better than any presentation of ground meat. Sometime we'll make sure to put onion with bell pepper when I say, I mean Anisa's mom, thank you very much, um, the whole green olives in it, make it that little sour daddy of hers, that's the Spanish touch of the green olives. tell me about the Publix sub.

I have never been to a Publix in my life. I haven't spent much time in Florida, but I know they are legendary. They are legendary because they last forever. They last forever. It is full of so many things. The thing about Pub sub is that you go to Pub, you buy one and this is your meal for the whole day, you eat a quarter, then another quarter, then another quarter, then another quarter and then you are good for the whole day and when When You come home from the bar, there's still something like it's an army ration, just keep it flowing.

Everyone in Florida knows how valuable a sub pub is and, hey, it's like our Wawas. You know what I mean, so I can't wait to drink. one bite D I am very excited about this grap bread. I love the subtle touch of buffalo chicken because you know Hooters was created in Florida. I didn't do it, but nothing has made more sense in the world. I remember going to Hooters for my birthday. I was like 11 years old and being like a sacred cow, this place really rocks. They hit the nail on the head. My uncles were drunk like it was good.

I didn't even know they had wings until I was 22. Did you go there to Lear and augle like? Oh my god, I'll have another water. I went to Buffalo Wild Wings. I like Buffalo Wild Wings too, like I'm a big Buffalo W Wings fan. I was alone. I was in Orlando around 5:00 at night. program at 7:00 and I see a young couple of about 14 and 15 years old going on a date, it's their first date, you can tell they're nervous, they sit down and I'm going to be the boy, okay, be the girl and remember this. It's our first date, now you're the waitress, okay, so you can play waitress.

Okay, great, so all you have to do is say: Hello, welcome to Buffalo Wild Wings, what would you guys be eating tonight? Okay, now it's our first date and this. It's the boy who is 14 years old, maybe 15. This made me laugh a lot. Okay, come on, this is going to be a lot of fun, we'll have a great time tonight. I am very excited to be here with you. BT, trust me, it's the nicest place. I've been before, we're going to have a great time, welcome to Buffalo Wild Wings, what can I get for you? We will do the Buffalo Wild Wings challenge.

Hell yeah, total bro, total bro with a bro move, I don't think he knows. women still and he says we're going to have a lot of fun, we're going to be in the Buffalo Wild Wings challenge. Do you think someone explained his idea for the night and he said this is what someone was challenging Buffalo Wild Wings for? Like yeah, maybe we go to the table, he goes, don't trust me, trust me, he went with his friends one time, they all did it and they had a great time and he was like, bro, the right girl who gets me will do the Buffalo Wild, we challenge him.

I agree with that, although I understand it a lot, I really enjoyed it and she had never eaten hot food like that she likes and he says: "it gets worse, it gets worse, can we get milk?", "can we get milk?" ", and I sat there and I fell in love I hope they're still together I hope they're still together U That's one of those horseshoe things I would have done when I was 13. I realized it was stupid, but when I came out as an adult, when I was 27, I would have been like, yeah, no, that's the move, see if someone can hang on to the bat and if they can't throw him out, yeah, what? what you're doing on a date with a girl, going dancing and watching a movie is not something you do when you're married, no you're not going to keep that up for 20 years, the mask is going to fall off, you do the Buffalo Wild challenge Wings, this is how you know if you're going to have a baby with someone, every first date should be at Buffalo Wild Wings and then you should consummate in the bathroom.

I think about it so much that at one point I laughed so hard I was drinking a Sprite. I don't normally get Sprites, but I was grabbing a Sprite and was listening thinking what I would do. They drink, yeah, come on, Cubans, the latest from God, so this is a legendary Tampa bakery, we have it like crusty crushed Cuban bread. Super hard Swiss cheese. Cuban mustard, which is the best. Kum mustard really makes it and the pickles that make the pickles. also the crispiness of the outside if you notice how thin this bread is right here, that's beautiful, right there I have young BR is something I don't think I ever had as a kid.

I didn't understand how good mustard was and as I grew up. and I started to like the mustard of the finer things in life, it came out in a really solid way. I thought, yeah, man, I'm in mustard. What I love about a Cuban sandwich is the secondary crunch of a pickle, it's great and it's like an old pickle. It's like a woman is going through menopause. It's like she's been there for a while. A lot has been seen, but it's still sexy. I haven't experienced it personally, but I'm so happy you had that experience. I had sex with chicken menopause last night, yes.

How was it amazing? Does Lean know? It was thin. Well, Florida was Florida. It is very important for your education. Many of the events in your life were set in motion with the 1997 Rolling Stone. Stone's undergrad article detailing your college experience. You were a sixth-year English student at Florida State University. A writer comes and describes you. You finally dropped out of school because a jealous English teacher let you down because you had a book deal and he didn't. My question is, you're obviously very successful, not despite that, but because of it, you now have a daughter in college.

Would you be okay with her making the same decisions as you? She's not my oldest daughter, why not her? She is smarter, yes. the younger one, I get it, so don't think you have the potential you had, like you don't, what if she was going to be a doctor? I don't know, I never had a skill set that would be useful in an apocalypse, so there are people in this world who are meant to learn well and then there are people who don't, yeah, I actually think they should stop, we should all do a IQ test and then based on our IQ we have a limited number of books. we're allowed to read because you don't want dumb people trying to get smart, that's how you get podcasts, and what you do is just cut it off at a certain level of intelligence and let those smart people keep reading is like what happens with stupid people: we read a couple of books and then we just tell you the things we read like we're smart we just read it it's not our ideas we're just regurgitating ideas if I give you a book you'll read it and then process it and then develop it in your ideas and then you will present it to me as if Georg was that brain, now my brain is different, as if I lived in a different world. where I create little things in my head and have little dances and think about things, promos, comedy jokes, movies and TV shows, and that's where my brain resides, but that wasn't it.

The school was not created. to develop that school of brains created for brains like you, they are curious people who want to learn more about the world. Georgia Isa is more like me, where she's like she went to college and it's like I can make dreamcatchers with them. in the back of a van and I would be like, good decision, yeah, you would actively encourage it, like, hey, you don't need to take this path that everyone says is set before you think that life is about finding your passion and doing what that you love, because it never feels like a job and then you never feel broke, you always feel like my whole life I've been broke, I never felt broke, I knew it had comedy and I knew I love this, I love what we do. you're doing now I love doing a podcast I love it I love all the fun things about letting your brain expand like that I wasn't ready to learn from books I wasn't ready to learn in a box, that's the thing about school just go there long enough to figure out what you want to do and find your passion, whether it's sailing the world, whether it's creating a YouTube channel, whether it's starting a podcast.

I mean, these are the things I'm interested in, sailing to Hawaii, listening. Right now you're probably wondering: What am I going to do with my life? Let me tell you, there are lighthouses all over the world and they are beautiful, picturesque lighthouses on the great lakes off the coast of Maine on the coast of Seattle and they are empty and they are looking for an alcoholic to sit in them all day and drink themselves to death. That's your job, go after it. I just gave you something, uh, the movie Van Wilder. I have to ask about that because I didn't.

I understand that was one of my favorite movies as a kid, I didn't realize it was based on the article about you in Rolling Stone, except when they made the movie they got a much less attractive person to play the version of you that you said. 'Never look at Van Wilder unless it's with Ryan Reynolds. Will you bring it? No, but tell me about it. Would you sit and watch with Ryan Reynolds? Would you like to invite him right now? I would love to see a movie with Ryan Reynolds. I had nothing to do with the movie.

Once you make a movie, you realize that anyone who claims or owns whatever your project is is so disgusting, so I like, I really feel weird that I've ever said anything in the past because I made my movie and I know who worked on my movie and if someone was like me, that machine movie that Bert made, I was like, wait, I see people work really hard, so it's their movie, I had nothing to do. With this my goal was to be bigger than the movie. I never wanted to be the guy that movie was about.

He wanted to be the guy that a footnote to his life said. Did you know that Bert cries in that movie? Water, shut up, one of the things that fascinates me is that a lot of your monologues are just things that have happened to you, right? Everyone said they wanted to be like this edgy comedian with biting social commentary, huh, and instead he just goes up and talks about things in your life. You're a great Storyteller, but none of that means anything unless you really have the story. How have you put yourself in those positions so many times to be able to get that material? trick I only pay attention to things that I like there are things that will happen that I'm going to do that would be cool the hardest part is working on it on stage because it's going to fail like I have a little dazle Dazzle that was my final part and it was and it was a bit that the day it happened we went to an escape room for George's birthday the day it happened I was this is hilarious all the ingredients of a great all the characters are there the stories there the anxiety the panic There is no real danger, but a perceived danger.

I thought this is a bit and I never worked on it and then one night Georgia called me on stage and said, Are you talking about that? and this boy traced everything. the ways this is a perfect story she's like, remember we went there because we wanted to see Papa L? I was like her, remember, she pushed Nana into Chester's drawers and I was like, what's she like, remember? You thought you were in your pants but you actually farted in daddy's mouth and I was like wait, wait, slow down, slow down and I was killing it on stage and then the hard work is putting it in there, so, like that , my goal now and and and Honestly, you have to sit down with a notebook and write down things that you don't think you don't know why they're good, but you know they're good and they'll find a home like Leanne said.

One time we were having sex and it was her turn, I guess that's the best way to say that, and she said, "This redneck is going, are you going to butter my bread?" and the way he said it I went and wrote it down in my joke book. I buttered my bread like it was something funny someone would say on Sex and then I was on stage the other night,We were talking and this other thing had happened with us, this sex thing and I would mention it. and my brain butters my bread and I was like butter on my bread, oh it's okay, coochie, it's okay, and then it's just me and suddenly you have it, but you have to do all the work to listen and pay attention to the universe and take out the material and plant and have it ready to plant it inside things how often is it Leanne's turn every time and a child every time ready for the third round yes, I'm for your next dish we have minced beef with cream on toast, I grew up Besides it was called on a shingle, we got the shingle toasted white bread and that's a cream sauce with beef with cream chips from the Hormel brand and then we got a classic, just a great mound of moist spaghetti carbonara, emulsified eggs and large Parmesan cheese. thick pieces of bacon.

Gosh, they go so well together, don't they? For sure yes. This is the American version. This was the Italian version. I remember eating this as a kid my entire life. This is all my mom could do. I remember burping him playing baseball my entire life. Friend, my dad. I was going to ask if your dad was a n because my dad ate this. n and that's what he would have said, this is what they served in the dining rooms, apparently, really yes, and he was like a cook and he was like, "I would have to heat up giant vats of this and just throw chunks of minced beef in cream over there".

I've had different people have different versions of this, like when I grew up with these kids that I played baseball with, they were Baptists and they had a version of this, but with uh like Vita cheese and mustard mhm slop slop es el la apy es the last straw B this is all this is all we get and then we die I wonder if I talk on FaceTime, my mom, if she would recognize it, she has GG here, man, mom, cell phone, FaceTime and I'm just showing her that she It's just a tile, I wonder if he'll recognize it right away.

What happens if my mom is naked? She normally she answers the phone naked from you. What did you do? What do you think she is? The tile, that's how it is, that's how it is, Mama believe. I'm doing a podcast C. I know. Hi! Nice to meet you. I was trying to explain that there is nothing when they see it, yes, the IR cic knows it like a shingle when we see it. Well, I'm eating it in honor of you, so this. It's one of my favorite breakfasts that you made John pass my hair I'm glad it's okay I love you I love you more bye yeah this is my mom's go-to place it was incredibly sweet man you got it so much love. your family for your wife for other people uh it's really heartening to see for me it's amazing just seeing that Conant modeled that I've really invested in like he's really close with my sisters uh one of my sisters works at our in our offices my others both live in Los Angeles I talk to my parents every day um I text, I text my daughters every day or I talk to them every day and I love my wife and I'm just I'm very determined to like me when I'm, this is a secret moment, but you know, when I say goodbye to Rogan or Tommy, I say I love you, I say I love you to all my friends, like we say we love each other and I.

I'm lucky to be surrounded by great people and, but yeah, I like, I like good people. I'm surrounding myself with good people. That is beautiful. Can? Can I serve you some carbonara? Can I put it in your prison tray? Yes please. Oh, this is really appropriate, man. I've started telling a lot more of my male friends that I love them because I love them and that they are super meaningful relationships to me, but as a kid that was non grata like you would. Never do that right, no you would never do that, especially growing up in the 2000s, you were so afraid of being called gay constantly, it dominated your life.

I bet that took over your life. Many of your stories from, say, college are about similar men. being incredibly cruel to each other, but that defines friendship, do you think that is changing and do you think it should change? Yes and no, as if there was a damn good saint. I want to get rid of the really toxic guys like and look. I'm a, I'm sure I'm toxic, I'm sure I am, we all are, but I really love being a man, it's so much fun, especially when you have it and there's a term, Bros. I love Bros.

I love Meads I love to professional athletes like I love when you connect with brother to brother like you're like you like tulle I love tulle like I love I love the low key common denominator and people seem smart can do that with NPR and stuff, But why can't morons do that with things? You think, have you ever tried a Zin? and you think no, you're going to love it, as if they were brother things. I don't want to lose that. I don't know what's happening with America and the culture and what's happening with the wokeness or whatever.

I don't want to lose, yeah guys, being guys, as long as it's not at anyone else's expense. Listen, I don't love anyone. He wants anyone to feel like nobody and if you do that then you are a bad person. I do not want anybody. I made that rule when I started doing stand-up. I don't want anyone to come here hoping to have a good time and then I ruin their night and think about the worst thing that happened to them or something that's very personal to them and so I did, I definitely did, but I tried to not to do it and just like as long as you have that intention then you don't have to worry about your C cancer, everyone knows that you are intense to hurt someone is not right, that's what bullies do.

I'm not a bully, but I like guys. I also like the types. my favorite things I've done recently Reno Nevada me and all my friends are now 30 Kyle just had a baby we're at this hardcore punk club in Reno I looked up and thought guys we gotta go see what's on here uh, there was a one person mosh pit, one lone guy, me and my six brothers were like, hey, we gotta make this guy feel welcome, so we all jumped in there and started two-stepping with him, like if it were skanking. and then my friends and I decided that we should all try to see if we could hit each other in the balls hitting someone in the balls is so fun it'll never stop being fun, it'll never stop being fun, like that's our book club. bird for his fourth course I mean, what more can I say?

We got an 18 ounce bone-in ribeye here cooked medium rare, finished with a little smoked salt on top, actually fried in wagu beef tallow as well and then we got the country fried steak. honey, this is pure southern deliciousness, this is a London Royal that we've pounded, crusted it with equal parts flour and Ritz crackers and then fried it covered in a cream sauce with lots of black pepper if you make a redneck. the food you have to prepare it the way rednecks do and most rednecks just have a Piggly Wiggly on their side, I mean, you'd look at any of my wife's grandmother's recipes, it's like you need two skinny gems, a Mell yella, a now lers thing and then you're going to crust it on the now lers and so on but that's using Ritz crackers is the movement you ate a steak every night for a period of time months Jesus Christ seven, we'll get tested of blood on Friday.

I'll see how it goes, but I don't know, I lost 45 pounds doing it and I'll tell you. I fell in love with the steak. I was never a steak guy. I was always a steak guy. I was never a steak guy. Then I would do it. them in the mornings, if I had leftover ribeye, I would say I would eat it in the morning, dig deeper, I don't want the steak to get cold because, listen, I have a phobia of cold food, where does that come from? As? Your relationship with your mother is really great. Do you sleep well at night?

Yes, m T. I'm aiming for my bite. I'm aiming for that little pocket, oh my goodness, the outside is the best part of a ribeye. You said something really interesting in your book. It came out about 10 years ago to this day you said that you never suffered from stage stress but rather you had the opposite that you suffered from the fear of not going on stage and missing a magical moment. Do you think that your fear of death is ultimately instance? about missing that series of magical moments, yeah, it's fomo, it's just fomo at its core, not being there when the part is still going on, finishing early and going home and then everyone's like an old David, telling a joke, you should have Come on, man, eat your sck eat your sck eat the fried version of what you just ate this white sauce makes country fried steak this reminds me of every new thing every Christmas Eve my wife makes country fried steak for dinner you know what I did on another day and I think it might be a thing I made a Nashville spicy fried steak.

Jesus Christ didn't taste that good, but if someone did it right, I bet it would be really good. I fried a Hot Pocket and I made a Nashville Hot Pocket and somehow I never thought about doing Nashville Hot Country for Ste. It's so funny you said Hot Pocket and I heard Unrustable and I thought, I bet it would be now that we're cooking, honey, would you? what do you think happens when you die? Well, it has to be something. magical, what do you mean? it has to be something magical it has to be something life is too crazy and bright and beautiful and strange for us to exist in this world that is 85 million years old for us to be here and like to have these crazy conversations that people are watching and we have cell phones and all this has happened so that there is nothing, it can't be anything, this is too special to be anything, it's crazy that you get this and then it would be nothing, yeah, that's too Stark. a contrast, you know, so you're telling me that I can create life myself with another woman that I love and I can build a life and I can make millions of people laugh daily and I can spend moments in my backyard. drinking sun petting a dog and looking at trees and getting high and going I can't believe those trees were planted by me they didn't know I would be those are my trees so it's nothing like this it just doesn't make sense right?

It doesn't add up to you it has to be something what is that something I hope it's like I hope it's like a birthday party like I hope you die and then you like like you die and then you open your eyes again and they go surprise again and again and over and over again I hope that as an incarnation I want to come back as me again but I don't like it I would never want to be someone else like if you could be me for a day you would be really impressed Apart from how cool it is, it's a lot of fun, it's a lot of fun, it's very funny.

I am a kid. I am a 51-year-old boy to whom no one says no. I can do fun and wild things and I can. and my wife is always going to say yes and I have a vodka company and I do a podcast with my best friend and we don't even prepare for it, we just talk about each other's dicks and I can go on a world tour and I can take my shirt off in the stage and I can be drunk on stage and no one cares if I eat mushrooms it's even better if I smoke weed everyone says this is what I'm talking about this is the best I mean that's my life pretty marked and then you leave me to say that one day everything will come to nothing, come on, tell me about the phrase I wish Bert was here and why it means so much to you oh, I'm not going to cry, you can cry.

If you want, man, I H, I've noticed, I just like most of the people who watch this, it probably won't go down in history or be remembered, but you don't want to be forgotten, all I want is people when they're having a good time to go ber Bert would have done this much better because that's what I'm good at if everyone is good at something like that but if people in the future can drink poror oos and just pour themselves a glass and be like Dam brother was solid Damn man, I think there are people these days who say damn, I wish Bert was here.

I think that's happening more at the same time than you think and I think it's a beautiful thing that you've touched so many lives, right? You know, when I tell people we did this, they say, "Oh, man, did you take your shirt off?" people and that's a lot more than 99.99% of the people in this world can say and I think there are a lot of people who when you die are going to say damn, I wish I were here, especially like your children and uh. your wife, your friends and your family, but even deeper than that, you know there's a we, we lose a lot of people in stand up and uh you definitely think that just your friends who have passed away you definitely leave. as a man, that or when, especially when someone doesn't know them and you and you celebrate them to someone who never got to know them.

You know I won't mention any of our friends' names, but you know they all know who we are. talking about and uh when you celebrate each other it's really powerful it's really powerful when you remember people and how great they were and how generous they were and how fun they were, that's our business it's fun and when we share fun stories About our friends, that happened, it's very funny and I just hope that the youngest is funny and that people are like that. This is what I think about death. I get very nervous because I know it's real.

I know it's going to happen. I know it's going to happen. I don't want I don't want I want to live forever I want I want to be here forever and I want to always party forever and I want everyone to laughforever forever I just want everyone to have a great time forever forever I don't, it's so stupid that nothing just comes of it I don't believe I can't believe in that I refuse to believe in that I hope I'm a ghost and I'm just hanging out in green rooms going What's wrong with the bird? They would have shot him at the foot of my wife's bed.

Who is this guy? It's your turn? Still, he seems like a selfish lover. No, I will say that the first time we met not only did we drink together at your show something so great, such a great episode, a great episode, an incredible moment and it was so much fun to get drunk and laugh and do all that, but the most significant thing for me it was later, when you gave Nicole and me a pep talk about this. It's not the show, it's not the media platform, it's not the audience, it's you, you are the reason you are successful and you are the reason you will continue to be successful.

They were some of the most powerful words I have ever heard in my life. and it's something that I think about every day, so even your legacy, even if not everyone has a good time all the time, you know there will be moments in life, um, you actually said one of the most meaningful things for me to help me get through those times, so I appreciate that no, I appreciate, I appreciate the friendship that we've built. I think it's really cool to meet especially guys younger than me. Look, I'm 51 years old. I just found out the day I thought I was 52 years old and I like being that way.

I told you that walking into this place it's great to have lived a life where I can recognize the past. of television production and how it used to be and then see what you guys are doing and feel overwhelmed, you know, a lot of 51 year old people would come and say whatever I don't give you. I walk in and I'm really impressed and I love that youth. I never want to get rid of her. I never want to get rid of it on my deathbed. I want to feel young. I want to be surprised that it's happening.

I want it to happen instantly. I don't know, maybe attacked by a shark or something, I don't know, I wouldn't mind fighting for my death, that would be cool, yeah, I think we should bring back trial by combat. I think that's the only thing we're into. boxes we are killing each other in trial by combat I think we can tell you that we have a program called cancel the game show, so people who have been canceled come to the game show and then we find public penants like the letter A where we go Roseanne Bar you said something crazy about Jews you're Jewish we get it but what we're going to do is cut a handkerchief from here to here on your face so we can recognize that you met and then you're good, you're good, you can say as wild as you want , but they give out punishments for all the people, yeah, and then when she says savage, she becomes, guys, forget about this and say okay, no, she can say whatever she wants like Kanye West, we're like Kanye, come on to take your two pinkies, listen, here's the deal, we'll do it on camera, we'll watch you go, I'm a I hadn't said those things and we'll believe you when you don't have pinkies.

I mean, I think it's a good idea for a game show. I don't know, it would be difficult to make a bird for our last course. For dessert we have a keto key lime pie now we find sweetened condensed milk made without sugar with Splenda. We mix it with some eggs and bake it in a puff pastry base. We have some Splenda sweetened whipped cream with a little lime zest on top, this looks phenomenal. oh my gosh that's dense and sweet the whipped cream is good because I'm nervous about this too that's good that's really good that's amazing no sugar there's a bite at the end of a key flavor like it's almost like when you're a kid and you're riding a bike and you're skating in front of your friend and you're like, that's what Keyme Pie does, he's like you love me, but you're ready to go into the lightning round.

I'm the only person living or dead you'd want to share your last meal with. That's a good question. I can also do a multiple choice, oh, do a multiple choice, yeah. I'd like to know who you think Jesus Christ Leanne slash wasn't Leanne. I'll tell you he spent every damn day with her. Who cares? I partied with Slash one day, he was great. I think Jesus would be a little exhausting. Surely you know that there are many things you would say to Jesus. You like it, hey man, it's not my thing. like I know, but they're all people and you're okay, Jesus, you feel like you've heard all the stories before, like imagining yourself interviewing someone whose stories you've heard before on the internet.

His name is Bert Crer. Did I tell you? The time I got involved with the Russian mafia, probably if I'm going to have one last meal, I have to say my stupid wife because no, not her because she

eats

too slow, slash, slash, I'm going to cut and my opening. The thing was, hey, tell me what it's like to have poisonous snakes. You know he had poisonous snakes in his house and then there was an earthquake and they all came out. No, you think how scary I still want to die with poison to crawl to the toilet. and bite my what's your favorite poem by Maya Anelu, uh, how funny.

I went through a big myangelo period in my life because I couldn't even tell you, but I used to read her poems when we took mushrooms. I got really into mushrooms in myangelo at the same time my parents were getting divorced and I was like, "I'll find my spirit in me in myangelo and we'd get high on mushrooms and go on road trips and read my angel poems and say I get it now." , not us". I didn't understand it, we didn't understand it, whose mother would win in a fight? Yours, Tom Sagur or the Kelsey brothers' mother.

Well, we have to measure ourselves in this case. I would say that she is Kelsey's mother because she was born in her and she was born to professional athletes. There's some good genetics in there, my mom would spend most of her time looking for her glasses, uh, and Tom was born and I love her. Char is a great woman, but I don't see her as the most agile person in a fight. I wish I had never done it. She suggested that our mom should fight because our moms are going to get their butts spanked, but I'm going with Kelsey's mom, yeah, no, that's it, look, I bet my money too.

In fact, I can see her getting punched by my mom. and that's all you have, what song do you want played at your funeral? Number one is Blind Melon changes. That's what I want to sound like at my funeral. I want Fortunate Son to sound at my funeral like I'm trying to think of my intro. A song like when they walk me to the coffin is probably Gambling Man rambling on and then suddenly the doors open. Oh, I'm going to sing my song. Come on. And they all come. I was impressed. L. Down by the shore, I never knew.

Fing Wheels but eyes and everyone bounces good and then you pick the thing up and then they say everyone please have a seat uh what's your biggest fear, death, it's yeah, I'm so surprised we're talking about that today . I'm surprised my daughter is afraid of bees and I'll go and then I'll kill you what's your biggest regret in life uh definitely not spending more time with my kids. I was too focused on making money and launching a career. be around sometimes because I was so worried that I wouldn't accomplish anything and I would end up trying hard and not making any money and then they would have this loser dad who didn't make anything. money and then I would regret the decision to go into comedy and I thought, "If I'm going to do this, I have to go to Full Tilt.

I have to go after it. I have to wake up every day with a Sprint." in my journey of trying to be the best comedian I can be and I can only do that by working every night and going on the road and touring and if I have a special I need to commit six months just for the tour and like I was very focused on my career and, in retrospect, I realize, when Isa leaves for university in four months, that I wish I could have those times back. He wishes he could go back and just slow down and say, Who cares?

Finally, are you happy? I am the happiest man you will ever meet in the world on a day-to-day basis. I wake up grateful, full of gratitude, very grateful for every gift I have been given, every person who has ever liked everything I have done. idea that I can handle the idea that my blood pressure is 116 over 64 the fact that I have lost weight that I am healthy that I can still drink I am very lucky to be here I am breathing I am standing I have a pool I have a great wife I have children great.

I'm making more money than I ever thought I would and I love what I do for a living. I get to hang out with new people and inspiring people. and me and I'm the luckiest guy in the world again, thank you so much man, fantastic food, I love Insight, if you want to say your last words to that camera over there, my last words when I die, whoever's looking at me, no you will do it. He will be forgotten and you won't, man, because you can buy the official poor oo Memorial bottle, we will make a complete exclusive delivery when he dies, it will have a photo of his swollen corpse right here, it will be a collector's item.

Fantastic, Bert, again, thank you very much and to everyone, thank you very much for stopping by the legendary kitchen. Bert, tell them where they can find you. Visit Burb B.com. Visit me on the Topsoft world tour. I'll be on tour until July, where I'll be. tape my special for Netflix in St. Petersburg, Florida, we've added a Wednesday show, uh, and then when it comes out, I'll be free for nine months. I'm going to try to live a normal life. You don't play Pickle Ball. Pickle Ball kills. Many people finally know what the mythical cookbook is, order your copy now at Mythical Cookbook. comom and make any kitchen a mythical kitchen