Jake Harper, Boy Genius | Two and a Half Men

Dear, what do you see? Something you like. I don't know, it's deer, dear, what, dear, what deer, what, what, what's wrong with it, Jake, use your spoon, I can't, I'll die, don't turn off that music. dies anyway, that's better, you know, he'll still be living here when he's 30. My big fear is that he's still in fifth grade, no, he's still watching TV, wait, I'll check to see if you're hungry, what are we going to eat? I know, just tell me if you're hungry, that depends on what we're eating. Okay, what do you want? What do you have?

He is not hungry. Oh, you took her home and came right back. You checked into a hotel. No, you are driving correctly. that way it's dangerous a pothole can change your life forever laughing you know what I mean okay okay look at the Honor Bar for some Gatorade or something hydration is the enemy okay have fun see you later I'm hungry what's there for have dinner what are you doing? I want you to have steak in the freezer I want chicken it's just wrong very, very long one two three four five six seven what are you doing chewing what don't worry it doesn't mean what you think what do you think I think you know Okay, I know what I know, what? what do you know?

I know you're supposed to chew your food 20 times before swallowing it, yes, but what about the other thing? What other thing? What else did you think? I was thinking I'm sorry, dad. I got lost in the morning. Isn't this your day off? But I need to talk to Charlie. Well, good luck, they got home an hour ago. They threw up a bowl of chili and went to bed because you didn't chew enough. This is great. Yes, just one question: Wendy Cho is a voodoo priestess. You know there's something to be said for letting him make her own decisions here.

Oh, that's a lot of rubbish. She's an idiot. If we let him, he'd go to that party in a Viking helmet and a cape, here we go, don't even think about it, he says I have a little money, but I'm not a corporate drone, no, he says I'm close to 40 and no I can stand it. Maybe the kid needs his own look, Jake, come here, stay there, let's try to visualize what your personal style might be, maybe we should start with the haircut, you know, I think she called the other day, when? What do you want, what did you say, um, come on. about the kids, leave it, no, no, no unresolved feelings, she wanted to talk to you but you weren't home.

I know you're an idiot, what else did she say? she said what is it now I didn't say much and she said home school I told her it sucks so she said and that's too bad I said yes I'm going to kill him Ellen I swear to God I'm going to kill him oh yeah she wants us to go to see your dance next weekend he says he's performing this weekend oh I guess he has the weekend you tell me this now Charlie Charlie calm things down the kid has to drive eat poop tell me who called unless a guy named Will have tickets who is Will oh no she said she would call Will she will call you means the tickets are on she will call I don't know maybe it's your God her door stopped eats yes do me a favor from now on when someone calls write it down I did what part of my homework okay where is your homework oh yeah my teacher called wants to meet you when I guess it was last week sexy girl at 12 o'clock, where there would be nine o'clock, oh, it's actually slow, 1205. 12, do you want to straighten them out or should I go ahead, take a hit.

Okay, the reason guys say sexy girl at like 12 o'clock or three o'clock is to specify a location using the clock face, it's a kind of map. What if you have a digital watch? Firstly, you won't meet any woman if you wear a digital watch and Secondly, it doesn't matter, the watch face is imaginary, so how do you know what time you saw the girl and it's 12-0 6? Hey, he likes girls and can tell time. I'm a happy dad, yours, really, yes, he looks great with the stash. I've been feeling guilty because you canceled your wedding to Mia so I wouldn't have to move, but then. when I moved out you didn't call her, yeah, so you know why I think you didn't call her, you didn't call her because the whole "I don't want to throw my brother out on the street" thing was a very convenient and noble excuse to get out of the marriage. that's what you think eh yeah that's what I think that's what you think you heard me that's what I think yeah well think about it again admit it Charlie, I've been punishing myself by buying you cake and hats for nothing there's cake there was Berta se ate it and why is he wearing your hat I gave it to him I bought you this hat and I gave it to Jake you can't commit to anything can you just be a hat?

It's not just a hat, it's a symbol of how good it is, it's just a hat, but the point is that you have no one to blame for your miserable lonely existence except yourself and you can drink Gamble and fuck all you want. you want, but one day you will have to do it. face that fact, cringe, gamble and laugh