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Healing Emotional Wounds with Guy Winch | Jim Kwik

Jun 07, 2021
welcome back quickbrain your question today how do you heal

emotional

wounds

? I mean even the word

wounds

it's like you're hurt it's like maybe you have a broken arm, but if it's not something, your heart is different at least with your arm, you know later. Some days you're fine, but these

emotional

eating sometimes persist and I'm excited to have a very special guest doctor back. He has written several books that have been translated into 26 different languages. His TED talks went viral. millions of people watched you all over the world and he is a psychologist and let's go, you know something very important for us, it's not just about mental intelligence, yes, by using our techniques you learn languages, facts and figures at lightning speed , but it's not just mental intelligence, it's also about mental health and that's very important right now, so I'm welcome back, boy, thank you very much for having me.
healing emotional wounds with guy winch jim kwik
Yes, so we are talking about emotional wounds. I mean, we talked in the last episode about the wound of rejection. about how you fix a broken heart as kind of the wounds that some of your clients hear patients with today, so I like the term wounds because when we experience things like rejection, like you said, or failure or Even loneliness, there is an emotional feeling. wound there in the same sense that there is something that hurts, something that can get worse if we don't address it, and something that is actually impacting us in all kinds of surprising, unconscious ways that we are not aware of, but there is actually a huge impact. and it's affecting us and unless we think of it as a wound that we're going to erase, we're going to say, oh, just pull yourself up by your bootstraps or just go ahead and ignore it and it's a bias that we're right in that it's Never I'll break your leg and ignore that, but when we experience emotional wounds, our first thought is like, oh, let's move on with things, but there are ways to address them and make sure they don't affect us unconsciously. ways that are detrimental because there could be a huge negative ripple effect and we know in terms of your productivity, your peace of mind or your level of prosperity, even in fact, like in the fight last year, I tore my rotator cuff um, you know, so I go to the doctor and they do an x-ray and stuff like that and I could see it, no I know how to treat it, but people don't do that when maybe they have an emotional heart, there's no emergency room, if you want, maybe They can see.
healing emotional wounds with guy winch jim kwik

More Interesting Facts About,

healing emotional wounds with guy winch jim kwik...

It's probably not an emergency, but yeah, look, you know it's an interesting thing we have, we have a finite amount of intellectual and emotional resources and emotional distress of any kind takes up a significant amount of that, leaving us less to use in work and commitment. for productivity like you said and there are certain things like that that have a big impact and they just give you an example of a study they did: they asked people who are not lonely to imagine being alone in five years and then they gave them a Test in IQ and they saw massive drops, significant drops in IQ just from a thought experiment about imagining being alone and the illustrative thing about that is that it really makes it clear that when we're in emotional distress, it affects our ability to think, process and think creatively. functioning in the most basic way is not the non-functional way, but our functioning can drop by significant percentages, that is something we would like to be aware of, it is something we would like to be able to address and that is why I think this topic of emotionality Wounds are so important that we talked about in a previous episode about how to fix a broken heart, how our heart sometimes hijacks our mental faculties and I know that loneliness returning to loneliness can increase the chances of suffering from dementia by forty percent, so which is which is which is. hard, so the heart-brain connection, so to speak, people might see my shirt as hard as well and a brain on it, they are there, they are deeply related, loneliness is actually a really dangerous condition.
healing emotional wounds with guy winch jim kwik
A year ago, the American Psychological Association issued a press release saying that loneliness was a greater public health risk and danger than smoking and obesity combined, now cigarette packages come with warnings telling you oh, This can kill you, but loneliness can increase your chance of premature death by 14 to 25 percent. Depending on the study, you'll die sooner, you'll get sicker if you're chronically alone, it's a really dangerous condition and we wouldn't think about it that way if there were other things that could increase our chance of death that way. We would think, "Oh, we need to know that and how to deal with it, but when it comes to emotional wounds we don't know, loneliness is a very dangerous thing for people and, ironically, when it comes to smoking." cigarettes if you're a smoker and I'm your friend I can tell you once hey you know maybe quit smoking that's pretty much all I can do it's up to you to do something about it and the same goes for obesity and loneliness.
healing emotional wounds with guy winch jim kwik
It's something I can really impact if I see you experience it. I can connect with you. I can start a dialogue. I can deepen our relationship, so loneliness is something that not only people who are lonely should take very seriously, but they don't. those around them can be empowered to help do something and it is our survival as hunter-gatherers that draws us into the community because that is how we stay alive in our hunter-gatherer past you couldn't survive outside of a tribe because you needed you know the protection of the tribe the warmth of the home the sharing of different duties to be able to survive and there is still a part of us now I want to make something clear there are people who are lonely there are people who may be more introverted and do not feel the need for them to know a lot of social connection and there is nothing wrong with those not being lonely people.
The definition of loneliness is purely subjective, it depends solely on whether you feel emotionally or socially disconnected. those around you and that's why we also see that a significant proportion of people who are lonely are actually married or in a relationship or in a family, but there is this disconnection, you know, they come home, this is in their screen, the others on their screen, at the station. transactional: did you get the milk? She paid the electricity bill. Did you talk to the children? There is no real connection and people can experience significant loneliness and not be aware that this is what they feel, so they are surrounded by people and might even have a partner. and yet they feel like they are alone, yes, and that feeling of loneliness again is subjective, it defines them as lonely and then you know, it has a cascading effect on their mental health and their physical health that can be extraordinarily harmful and is this something which is on the rise, I mean, you think you have your social media and you're scrolling through, is there a connection there or is there one?
We think there's a connection because it's on the rise with people on social media. connect with all kinds of different people and it may seem like I have all these friends, but these are not real interactions that you are having with someone and, to the extent that they are interactions, they are not meaningful enough for you to like them. Someone's post is not a meaningful interaction at all. The other thing we know about social media is that there are many studies that show that this can make us feel lonely or depressed, but it's more nuanced: it depends on how you use social media. social media, if you use social media very passively, you're just browsing other people's feeds and seeing their lives, they like something every now and then, which puts you at greater risk of feeling depressed than feeling lonely, because you are not really attractive if you are posting if you are commenting if you are having conversations if you are using social media more actively you are less at risk of it the problem is that when we feel alone then we are very risk averse and that is why we don't do it We don't Let's reach out and start a dialogue because what happens if that person doesn't respond?
So we are much more likely to move passively, which makes it self-perpetuating because the lonelier you feel, the more isolated you become and that can be It's a challenge and it comes with a real hook that is very diabolical and that is that loneliness induces two distortions perceptual. At the level of perceptions, we experience that the people around us care less about us than they really do. We downplay the fact that you know people. that they love us and now they don't really care, they really don't care that much and the second is that we subconsciously devalue relationships in a way that the relationship wasn't worth as much, it won't be as good to see that person. and those two things were simply based on the motivation to initiate contact and get closer and we are already risk averse.
We really feel so emotionally raw that we certainly don't want to expose ourselves to rejection, so let's assume the person doesn't. I don't care why I should reach out or assume that even if I do it won't be worth it those are the things that really trap people and keep us stuck. What would you recommend to our listeners who might be experiencing this themselves? Getting out of loneliness is really a leap of faith, you have to take action and you have to initiate contact even if you feel that they are not interested, the problem is not likely to be when you feel that you are likely to approach in a way that is too self-critical or too hostile, why haven't I heard from you in a month or you probably don't have time for me?
They're both unattractive, so I have a suggestion that's stupid but is actually effective. and that's emojis, in other words, it had a smiley face at the end of the sentence because ambiguous sentences, you know, like I haven't seen you in a month, are a little off-putting at first, but if there's a smiley face at the end, it actually reads like and I want to see you without the smiley face, it seems accusatory, so I know many are a grad school and that's my go-to for emojis, but I think you know, look at electronic communication, not how the you interpret.
That's how it could be interpreted because we misinterpret those things all the time and then approach them in a positive way. Think about the last time you went out with that person and how much fun you had, and when there is a smile on your face, then. send them a right message because someone can receive a message and if they are in that state and have that altered perception they can misinterpret it certainly their life story erases something right this person really cares about me so I guess an emoji worth more than a thousand. words and sometimes the same with the spouse;
In other words, if you're sitting next to each other and you have your noise canceling headphones on and you're looking at this and they're looking at that, take them off and just move next to them and take their hands and say, let's look at that together now you're going to be terribly suspicious, right? Because what is it like? What did you do to the car? the car is fine, i didn't crash the car, it's just been a while since we watched something together, let's do this, so let's initiate even with a spouse as a move towards closeness, let's say, close all our screens and have a conversation, right?
You know? I see these couples at dinner I see them all the time around me they are sitting there and there is nothing nothing is said surely you have something to say find something in the newspaper news comment on the food how to do something but initiate a contact that it's deeper and that's more meaningful go back to the discussions you used to have ask questions about how they see the future or what they remember from the past dig a little deeper there and start to forge those connections in a deeper way curiosity goes a long way asking searching questions first to understand what is happening so that people are seen, it is very interesting because the Cure could really take an interest in someone else and divert the attention from us and direct it to someone else, make sure that they feel seen and also heard.
What about what you mentioned? You mentioned loneliness. What about failure? How do you heal that emotional wound? but as adults, when we fail at things that are important to us and we're not talking about failing at a level of Candy Crush, you'll see some people smash their phone in frustration over that, but as adults, when we fail to get this promotion or fail, You know, we put out this presentation or paper and we didn't make it or we didn't get a round of funding. You know, for our startup, there's a big consequence that happens the more significant the failure is, the more significant the consequence is and the and one of the first things that happens to us and they said, about 80% of people start to feel helpless and they start to feel helpless and their experience where they gave college students anagrams that were impossible to do now It seems possible because it's four letters and then they are given another round of anagrams that was very possible and they fail because even though they were in of his ability todo it, they know it is feasible for their anagrams, that first experience told them.
I'm not good at this, I can't do this, so they couldn't muster the intellectual resources to master a challenge that was within their capabilities and that's what failure teaches us, it teaches us that we're not up to it. to the task, potentially, all these people that you know, people say I fail on so many diets, they say you know, people told me a lot and I say great, tell me where you fail and usually there's a very specific moment. point at which they fail and that's not about the diet, then it's about their system. You know, it's the same if you have a child who is in school, if he didn't get the grade he wanted to get, it doesn't say anything about his intellectual ability it just says something about his study system not being enough, so it's not something that we should take personally, it is something that we should look at ourselves.
Something about my approach wasn't successful, let me find what it is and fix it, but it's hard to do when you feel paralyzed and sometimes when you're in the jar it's hard to see the label on the outside. We deal with this a lot with our students because everyone feels like they are a failure and you don't realize that it's not a failure of yourself, it's just a failure of a system, we have a system for studying, reading or concentrating, and when we do you put in a system, there are two benefits, you don't know, start using self-compassion, it's No, you're not punishing yourself with that issue, but also the second thing, there is something you could do because a system implies that there is a process or a recipe to be able to empower yourself to be able to do it, and the tricky part is that what most people default to is yes, you know I'm going to try again and that means I was going to do the same thing that I did but somehow harder and no, no, don't do the same thing you did with that system.
I know maybe it was a problem, but probably not just the effort, that was the problem, there was something about how you were going to do it, you have to do it differently, you have to do it and I always say do it like a detective, because then you don't I do. I don't know detectives, but I guess they don't go to crime scenes outraged, but can you imagine that blood splatter pattern on the wall? Just write it down and you should write it down in the same way, analyze where those failures occurred. in a way that is not self-critical because that will distract you from really understanding where the failures occurred what I didn't do properly what I could do differently and then think creatively about it some people say I can't get a promotion that my boss doesn't like I don't like it and I say that the challenge is how to improve the relationship with your boss;
In other words, there is always a way around the obstacle, you just have to define what that obstacle is and then think about how to overcome it. Incredible, so we talked. about loneliness we talk about failure and at a high level we are saying that there is hope, not only is there hope, that there is help if people suffer emotional wounds, that they don't have to just be a victim, they could step forward, but It takes effort and maybe even being a little kind to yourself and understanding that the curiosity of even coming out and just thinking about it is interesting why I think this way or why I behave this way and that doesn't lead to judging myself. myself. judgment leads to personal growth self-awareness potentially even some self-improvement self-esteem maybe all of those things are very true and I would add one thing to them to deal with emotional wounds, by definition you will have to feel emotionally uncomfortable, which which is comfortable. it's withdrawing what's comfortable it's avoiding what's comfortable it's not addressing things it's what's emotionally comfortable it's not a great emotional place to be in but getting into that quagmire is emotionally uncomfortable and you have to be able to tolerate it and say that It's worth it for me to really get into that even though it might be emotionally uncomfortable, even though I might need to use a lot of self-compassion to get through it because it's self-compassion, peace is so important because that's where the answers are, that's where the band is. -help is that's where I can improve and move silly that's where the growth is that's where the treasure is yeah really and what we are what we're avoiding or afraid of right Colin and so on the other side that even if someone is going through a storm right now, if there is one, if people persevere, if they try hard, if they just feel lonely or depressed and go out for a nice walk and take care of themselves a little because you know, falling in love with that person in the mirror that has been through a lot but is still standing, giving itself credit and taking small actions, small, baby steps to be able to create a different direction or maybe even a different destiny if you so choose and do it with the right mentality with lonely people they often tell me I know I should go to the party but I went and no one talked to me now if you see them at the party they parked next to the hummus and the dip and and they frowning they look scary and I've seen these people they look no one will come close to you you look scary so going for the sake of it isn't enough you have to go with the right attitude you have to go with the right mindset and you have to build yourself into that mindset.
Pump yourself up like you were before a big game in a way like you knew it. Remember all the good interactions you've had with people. Remember how to do it. everyone who cares about you remembers at that moment that you told that funny joke, whatever it is, cheer up and then continue with that attitude, even if it's short. I'd rather someone go and stand their ground for 20 minutes smiling and chatting. People work the room and leave, then they stand there for now on the side looking exactly like that because they'll see more evidence to put that, just sigh, they'll stay and maybe we can even dream a little bigger. for ourselves and have something more inspiring that is not only our current reality that we do not lower our dreams to our current reality but that we improve with our discipline with our effort with our attitude with our abilities something that we desire and something that we deserve this is extraordinary, my challenge to everyone here is to take a screenshot of this episode or this video, tag the guy on social media, whether it's Facebook or Twitter, Instagram and me, and share your big aha, remember that when you teach something, you can learn it twice.
It doesn't just stop at information or inspiration, it becomes implementation and integration, which is really the goal, because knowledge alone doesn't change anything at all, it's when we apply it and it becomes more of a part of us that we could really benefit. someone, how would a person remain? contact you, you can find me through my website, the guy reached out and they will have links to social media for talks, books and other things and specifically for this one, what would you recommend emotional first aid? First emotional day. It's in 20-somethings. Languages ​​should be available in most wonderful places, everyone get a copy of that book.
Make sure when you take your photo that you know that we have our one book a week club, so use the hashtag "One Book a Week" and I'll repost some of my favorites. I'm also going to get several books for kids and give them away to some of our favorites as a way to not leave any brains or hearts behind, thanks guys, thanks.

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