Jeff Foxworthy at Rodney’s Place (1989)

(applause) - Very good friends. Here's a boy from the south. And I'm telling you, I love southern girls. (applause) They speak so slowly that when they say no, I've already made it. (laughs) Anyway, he's really cool. Here it is, Jeff Foxworthy, okay. Make him happy. (cheers and applause) - Thank you all very much. I'm from the south. Many people seem to have the idea that everyone in the South is married to their sister and has seen a UFO. (laughs) Well, I'm just dating my sister and I couldn't swear she wasn't a weather balloon. We have that reputation in the South.

People think we're stupid because of the way we talk, you know? It's hard to be cool with a southern accent, because it's like people from New York, they come from the south, they just fit right in. It's like, pass the damn grits, okay. You can't do that with a southern accent. You could take a southerner to a nude beach on the French Riviera and we'd be there saying, "Damn, this looks like a good

place

to fish." "Ed, bring the cooler. "I found a

place

." Turning to naked women, "Hey, you don't know where we could get some red wiggles, do you?" (laughs) A lot of people have the idea that everyone in the South is rednecks.

Now that's not necessarily true. I've been all over the country. The problem is that a lot of people don't know if they're rednecks or not. So I came up with a test to help you. : If your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off, you might be a redneck (laughs) If your mom doesn't take the Marlboro off her lips before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass. , you might be a redneck (laughs and applause). If your family tree doesn't branch (laughs), you might just be a redneck (applause and laughter).

Lots of people drinking here tonight using designated drivers. .Anything is safer than the way we used to do it. Hey, get up, take us home (laughter and applause). Oh God, I think he threw up, Tony. . Come on, what do you say, we'll buy you a beer. Come on. The only problem with the designated driver program is that it is not a desirable job. I mean, because you're basically babysitting people whose greatest ambition is to pee in the parking lot or something. But if they convince you to do it, have fun. Like at the end of the night, leaving them at the wrong damn house. (laughs) Preferably in their bosses' front yard or something.

Where the hell are my flamingos? (laughs) But don't drink and drive. It's not funny. I knew it when I was a child. I was a little kid, I was in the front seat of the car with my dad and he had been drinking beer all day and the highway patrol pulled us over. The officer came to my dad's window and said, "Excuse me, sir." Could I see his license please? "No sir, I don't need a cold beer. "I don't think you do either." (laughs) "Mr. Foxworthy, do you know why I stopped you, sir? "Well, it's about the vehicle behind you. "No sir, it's not illegal to tow a boat, "but we do require that you put it on a trailer. (laughter) "Could you ask your friends to take it?" of the boat, please, sir?" (laughter) "No sir, I don't give a damn if the fish bite. "Could you ask your friends to get off the boat there?" (laughter) "Damn, he dropped his skier about a mile back, back there." (laughter) You guys are a good bunch.

I'm not even going to ask who's single and who's married, because married people can't clap so loud. The chain only goes so far. (laughter and applause) I think of the two groups, I think single people probably have the hardest time Just the word single itself S-I-N-G-L-E, stay drunk every night. , get laid every day. (applause) And single life is hard too, with all that hell-raising and staying out late, and you know you're out too late, because you come home and there are two white guys boxing. on ESPN That's late. (Laughs) Dating is a difficult part of being single.

Especially if you date a girl who forgot to tell you she had a boyfriend. I went out with this girl once and we had a good time. dinner and after dinner we returned to my apartment. We had been at my house for about half an hour when someone knocked on the door of my house. I went out, opened the door. There's a 250-pound guy looking at me and saying, "What the hell do you think you're doing with her?" I looked him straight in the eyes and said, "I'm going to cut his damn hair and you'll have to wait, okay." (Applause) I am now a married man.

I love my wife. death. I really do. I love being married. My wife and I don't fight much. If we fight, we always fight for money. My wife, she gets angry because we have nothing and I get angry. , because we did it. And money is not a big deal. We've all been broke. I was so broke when I was in college that they sent a guy to repossess my car because I didn't make a payment for a couple of years. The guy came to my house. A big guy appeared at the door and said, "Mr. Foxworthy," he said, "I'm from the bank and unless you have $300, I'm taking that Camaro." I got angry;

I said, "300 dollars," " Who keeps that kind of cash?" He said, "Well, can't you write me a check?" I said, "A check?" (laughs). "Shit, yeah, I can write you a check. "I thought you needed money. "I'll tell you what, I'm going to go ahead and pay for all that right now." (applause) But overall, married life is great. My wife and I are trying to have a child now. We've been trying for about six months, I guess, and she's not pregnant yet, but I figure if you have to fail at something, this is as fun as anything else. (laughs) But my wife is a little worried.

She made an appointment for us at one of these fertility clinics. You know what I'm talking about. Or do you know what I mean? And he was a little nervous, because he knew what they wanted, but he didn't know how they planned to get it. I didn't know if the doctor took action on the matter or it was like a dairy or what. I talked to a friend of mine who had been through this. He said, "Jeff, don't worry, it's a do-it-yourself place." He said, "Go there and they'll give you a little cup and a Playboy magazine." He said, "You take them off in a little room" and just do what you've always practiced." And I thought, well, I hope that's not a problem I have.

Because that would be embarrassing. "Do you have another month? "This is of no use to me here. "Something with a redhead if you have it." (laughs) So I went to the place. About three weekends ago I went there. I was waiting. In the lobby. The nurse calls me and she He just hands me a cup. No book, just a cup. And I'm bummed, but damn, I have a great imagination. So I took the cup. I went to the They gave me some space and, you know, I did what I was supposed to do. What I was supposed to do and then I waited a few minutes, because I didn't want to look like a circus freak when I came out (laughs).

So I got my cup. I was walking back down the hall. I found the nurse. I handed her the thing and she said: "We don't do that here." "We just need a urine sample." (laughter and applause) I've never felt so embarrassed in my entire life. And my wife told everyone, too. My own mother says, " I heard what you did in the cup." (laughs) Thank you very much. You are a tremendously nice group. Good evening.