Stop Avoiding Your Healing Work (Attachment Injuries and Trauma)

I'm Alan Robarge, a relationship coach and psychotherapist and I like to talk about

attachment

injuries

and

healing

from

attachment

trauma

and in this video I want to talk about change I want to talk about

healing

work

I want to talk about self-directed healing and How people change and what are some of the obstacles that stand in the way of us engaging, beginning to create focus and allowing ourselves to change old habitual patterns of relationships, the patterns that don't

work

in our lives and yet we don't. ? They don't change patterns and continue in this habitual routine day after day, month after month, year after year, so we really want to look at healing work as work and what's getting in the way of that happening now. video, potentially it will be a longer video and I created a bunch of cards to review and one of the challenges of making a video is the flow and the content and putting it all together, so I recognize that I could look at my cards.

Here, in order to bring this home, I have focused on healing work as a priority part of my identity, something I have immersed myself in for over 25 years to the point that it was not just a hobby, it was a I work full time outside. of a job and eventually it became my job and I am aware that not everyone throws themselves in as fully as I have valued walking this path of self-reflection and growth and maturation based on the places that hurt based on the obstacles, the internal obstacles that we experience around our own sense of identity and particularly the kind that I focus on and what I think is so important is relationships, it's all about a relationship, we are connected, we are interconnected, we are in relationship. with ourselves, with the people around us, with our work to identify with the world in general and if we do not value how we create relationships, it is likely that we will mindlessly go through life recreating relationships that do not work, we want to change the pattern, but what stands in the way of change.

The pattern now is this idea, there is a quote from Krishnamurti that I learned reading Joseph Campbell and I like to change the quote and mess it up, mess it up a little, but I do remember the original because I have transformed it a lot. it's about this idea of ​​enlightenment and enlightenment is a spiritual path very focused on working with the mind and the quote is not so much about whether or not it's about enlightenment because that's what I change. The quote is about seeking enlightenment. the same way a man whose hair is on fire looks for a pond when I change that and say pursue

your

healing work seek healthy relationships seek to say goodbye to family dysfunction seek sobriety and end

your

relationship with addictions in the same way that a person whose hair is on fire looks for a pond there is an urgency in this there is this is not for the faint of heart this is not for the lazy but that's what we're going to talk about we're going to talk about some of the obstacles and the universal challenges universals that stand in our way of being able to prioritize our healing work so that we are aligned in integrity with our highest values ​​of how we are growing and maturing and if we do not do this, then we will win.

We will not grow, we will not change, we will not mature, if we do not If we do this, our relationships will continue to cycle and recycle in toxic, dysfunctional, dissatisfied, frustrating tension, and therefore it seems that if we do nothing, we just sit back. there watching our hair go up in flames this sounds intense this sounds this extreme the answer is yes and of course this is a type of message that will not resonate with everyone why it is so extreme why it must be such violent images the urgency because if you are in the receiving end if you have 25 times 30 times 40 times 10 years 12 years 15 years of crushing suffering in your life that are the result of a distressed relationship and relationships that continually belittle your sense of worth where you betray who you are As a human being, you you deny yourself to the point that you are an empty shell of a person, even in relationship you don't go through the motions because you have a childhood history of abandonment, neglect and being ignored and needs attention in what is housed. your psyche is lodged in your sense body, it is lodged in your nervous system as an attachment

trauma

and the attachment trauma repeats itself and you have a series of triggers and stressful experiences in your life that continue to trigger it and the place where it's found. lives is in your attachment system, which will activate and appear when you are experiencing vulnerability, emotional openness and trust, and all you want to do is love and be loved, but it is in that place or in the exchange of love and being loved that attachment trauma attachment hurts attachment wounds we can use many languages ​​many words here that are provoked so at some point if you have been around the block of suffering several times and each time they just hit you in the face and the phrase that I use It's when it has to do with oneself lack of responsibility lack of integrity and I have been trained to tolerate accepting crumbs of not relating and then I throw myself out the window metaphorically I betray myself and I used that image because once I throw myself out the window window, it's usually not a choice, it just happens, it's part of all the different pieces of the puzzle coming together, the re-enactment of the trauma, engaging in the habitual ways in which we have a blueprint in our mind, our attachment style, our attachment model that we are reflecting what is familiar from the family what we know and are well we can tolerate being treated badly and create mediocre relationships and relationships in which we do not demand as much and in which we learn to put ourselves on hold we learn to be abandoned we learn to be rejected we participate in our own being ignored we participate in our own abandonment we ignore self-care we engage in self-neglect if you have done this for years and years and years at some point it is the equivalent of noticing that your hair is on fire and yes , we can make a joke about the fact that I don't have hair, it's a metaphor for which I'm using something better, but my hair is on fire, my metaphorical help, my wig, my metaphorical wig is on fire and as the quote says by Krishnamurti through Joseph Campbell, seek your healing enlightenment, complete any words, seek your self-care, your comfort, your compassion, your ability to feel connected in this world to find connection, what we want, what we are all about , look for it. like your hair is on fire because if you don't you will sit there and get burned and for many of us you know what that is and we have also developed a tolerance and a normality for sitting on fire and that is the passion in my voice , besides the fact that I am committed to this, it is my identity in my life's work, besides the fact that I find this inspiring and thirdly, I give something in my own life, this is important to me and really I value talking.

Talk about this with yourself and others because healing work is a viable, concrete, identifiable way of focusing one's life, assigning meaning to where you need to grow and then cultivating that meaning, and you do it through ritual, you do it through through therapeutic intervention, you do it through creativity. You do this through community, you do this by rewiring your brain, and you do this through the work of grief. It's about grief and grief, and not just grief for what happened, but grief for what didn't happen in your life, so this video will continue. on some of these obstacles that we create for ourselves and why we are not seeking change and many of us say we are ready to seek change but we are not actually doing anything about it or we are going through the motions and this is where there is a lot of smoke covert and mirrors of confusing intentions and we use the word try I'm trying to change I'm trying to continue my healing work I'm trying to engage in a self-directed healing path but even the word try It's a bit of a let-off and a rationalization for convincing yourself to just burn yourself out a little more while you sit in disuse and marinate in the relationship dysfunction of your life in your attachment trauma and it is very painful and let me say that again.

I'm very aware that there are a lot of ways to talk about this and this particular video that you're giving me and a little bit of my strong, forceful presentation, a lot of flowery language about now that you fought, your hair is on fire and I need to do it. I recognize that I'm doing this on purpose because I simply have a passion for it, but I'm also aware that I'm going to be speaking simultaneously to a group of people whose ears perk up and they wake up to this energy and then as well. some people are going to be put off because it's a bit blunt and has a very strong presentation.

Know that you could create a completely different video of the same content and deliver it at a slightly slower and more digestible pace and if that is what then you need to choose the content and transform it in such a way that you can digest it because the important thing is that you receive the message and not necessarily whether you agree or disagree with the actual presentation or whether you like it or not. real presentation I want to talk about what the obstacles and challenges are to creating change and what things we need to do very concretely to make this happen now.

I have a lot of videos and I recently moved one hundred and eighty videos to a video library so that everything is organized and structured into categories and we can find these items. It's about developing a catalog of content that targets and is part of the foundation of self-directed healing and I have a series of videos on what the heck that is. Self-directed healing means that you find an innate and grounded sense of an observing self in your path, your own inner therapist self, and you begin to make decisions to clearly define with boundaries what you are working on, what you need to focus on, and what the very concrete steps are. the next steps you need to take to allow you to get one step closer to achieving any maturity McCole and some of us don't go through that thought process to even map out what we're working on staying stuck in the confusion, which of course is a legitimate state of mind that happens, but know that after 20 years of working talking to clients and then experimenting, exploring, talking about what's really getting in the way, confusion is often a buzzword that reinforces the non- commitment and it can be a rationalization, a justification, a way to take away the power of having to show up in our own lives and it reinforces, you know, I can't pay attention to my hair being on fire because I'm so confused about where the pond is. that I'm supposed to run to the pond and submerge my head.

The first thing we need is a really strong innate sense, some inner spark, and I'm using this fire metaphor, some inner spark to get me off the couch and at least take one step closer to where you think your particular pond might be. This is not a passive process. I can't tell you what pond you need or where that pond is located. Another therapist can't tell you where that pond is. The pond you need or where another one is located. The relationship coach can't tell you exactly what kind of pond he needs, where it is and how he will get there and know that there are many people who have raised theirs through their own will and believe they can tell you. how to get there and they can't.

It involves you entering a quiet, contemplative place to create focus on what you need to do next, bringing you one step closer to self-care and strengthening your sense of worth. how you can have a relationship from a place of mature adulthood how you heal your family's wounds your attachment legacy attachment

injuries

how you can grieve in a way that gives you life instead of being emotionally crushing and doesn't just send you into a spiral towards hell around your own painful emotional experience, these are skills, they are concrete skills and we must step forward to make a statement and recognize in a very sense in the sense of taking a stand in our own life and you feel that the intention here is to communicate some kind of inspiration my passion right now is service can you be inspired to clearly define what self-directed healing means to you, what particular areas you want to focus on, and how you are going to get there if you don't?

Answer those questions and maybe you're looking for me to tell you what to do or you're looking to find it in a book or you're looking to read it and watch it on a video and wait and someone Otherwise, defining your path won't work, it might be helpful, you might learn a few tools along the way and it might give you ways to generate ideas, but you will always come back to this place, when will you find the spark of inspiration? to choose to enter into this process of healing, maturation and growth now this video and everything that I am talking about and going to reference.

I have created a community, a membership community called improve your relationships and the program is eight. program of the week and what we are doing is guided by this principle, so I am directing this video to anyone who is on that program. I'mdirecting this video to anyone who is curious about the program and wants to join us and then this is also for the general audience, anyone who feels blocked and challenged in terms of creating change and being able to participate and prioritize their own healing work , so like I said, I have some notes and this is the part where it may not go as well as before.

I want to go back through my notes a little bit to see where I'm at in this rambling process and I'm going to use "excuse me."I'm going to use an example I'm going to use an example, excuse me for what I've learned, the membership community that I've created, improve your relationships, it started in July, so when we get to January 1st, we'll be in a new six-month semester, you know? It's been running for six months, it's relatively young, but with the research I've done and the conversations I've had with members who join and members who leave, there are two reasons why people join and so Similarly, there are two reasons why they leave the first.

The reason is that people are sick and tired of repeating the same old patterns of relationships that no longer work or have never worked or we could also identify them as dysfunctional relationships or empty relationships or painful relationships or relationships full of tension or relationships that are based on about attachment distress and your nervous system is wrecked and on edge and you are very stressed all the time just by being in this relationship and a very simple way of saying that you have a lot of drama in your life and the relationship itself is pretty much the main or one of the main sources of your drama, so people join the community, they find me, they find the message, they find the eight week program, the resources, the videos, everything that I offer and there is something attractive in come on you know, I really can't go on, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired in these relationships that don't work, something has to change for there to be an awareness, we have the fundamental identification, we identify the problem and we say this is a problem.

It has to change and then the other reason people join, the number one reason is to look for structure and direction, there's that confusion around what do I do, you know? I might be able to identify that I'm sick and tired, I might be able to identify what's not working and we still need some direction even as we cultivate and I find that spark of self-directed healing. There is this idea in therapy. Such a thing is called pretherapy or another way of doing it. So what that means is that it's an educational process where people need to be educated on how to use therapy, so sometimes we go through a series of sessions or it can even take months to develop certain self-reflection skills and certain skills of being able to follow your own mind and certain skills of knowing how to identify and communicate with the experiences of felt sensations in your body and certain skills of simply mapping out how you create a healing plan, how you begin to implement it and then the skills of in the therapeutic context it's about relationship and you're relating to the therapist and there's a practice quality to good relationship for people who don't know how to do any of those things or maybe we're done if we do, if we choose If we're entering therapy or grieving and we may not even really know our grieving skills or what grieving skills we need to name grieving skills, therapy itself becomes a pre-therapy process in the that we are preparing to be able to continue.

We delve into other levels of the work, but we can't even get there because we're doing this, a preliminary chapter to really assemble all the tools in our tool bag, so it's a big reason why people would join a community of members. any type of healing community and then I'm talking very specifically about the one that I've created because it offers structure and it offers direction it offers resources it offers tools it offers some very specific videos that says you know here are some areas that you can focus on and the things that you can look you can still see them so let me repeat what I'm saying.

I am establishing not only why people would seek healing work but also why they give up and the reason why they give up. are the exact same reasons they join in the first place is that they still feel sick and tired, they still feel confused from not having any structure or direction and here's the warning or this is what's underneath that a lot of people don't they commit to starting they just don't do it and this ties into what I was talking about about this idea of ​​pretherapy and I want to talk about it in the context of this program that I have created is about community, it's not a therapy program, but I want to compare the therapeutic process with the self-directed healing process is just a healing process and that many times we can be very sophisticated in being artists and we can be very sophisticated in creating our own confusion as an obstacle and we can be very sophisticated in putting up with smoke and mirrors to make some moves to make it look like we're trying to do our healing work, but at the end of the day, you know, when we really look in the mirror, what have we done?

We have not done anything and have not clarified what your self-directed healing plan is and when you will commit to starting working on it on a regular basis. It's about responsibility. It's about responsibility. It's about focus. It's about discipline. this is about boundaries this is about self-care this is about this is an act of self-love as you cultivate a very committed fat plan and a path of a regular frequency to address and be able when you are put on the spot and someone you ask and tell him what you are working on regarding your healing work today you need an answer you need the clarity you need to have done the work the investment two days ago last week with your journal going for a walk and reflecting meditation some contemplative practice to to allow yourself to settle and for a focus to come to your consciousness that says yes I am working on pain I am working on boundaries I am working on shame I am working on my relationship with myself working on my relationship with basic self-care I am working on my relationship with family I'm working on my relationships I need to work I really need to focus for a good six weeks on my relationship with my kids and if you can't answer that question, then the other things you think you're trying to do around work Healing is empty efforts when you're not going to see the momentum, you're not going to see any identifiable change in your ability to learn new relationship skills in your ability to show up a little differently in your life with yourself in your ability to have deeper meaning. of knowing who you are, what you want and what you are willing to do to get it. we need a lot of power with this it all comes down to this it all comes down to you're not ready the common question people you know are asked is are you ready to change? are you ready to heal? are you ready to do this job? and it's very easy and a lot of people mean well and very sincerely yes they are ready like I said we are sick and tired of being sick and tired of our relationships that don't work and we know we need some direction and some structure, but it's not, are you ready, are you willing to do the work and do you know how to do it?

For some of us, that literally means it's very, very simple, this is not a challenge, this is not something special, you know the top 12. secret healing practices you need as a new life hack to unlock you know your ability to change is much simpler than that you put this on the calendar you created a quiet contemplative place or space to engage in dialogue with yourself and yourself Tell me, what do you need ? I'm going to take the next 20 minutes to just hang out and let's be intentional, let's be smart, let's be compassionate and let's also be a little serious.

This is not for the faint of heart when We are talking about suffering when we are talking about crushing suffering and when we are talking about suffering that has very real consequences in the world by shutting us down as people and also denying us relationships in which we feel loved or even capable. Identifying couples who are capable of loving us in my opinion, that is quite serious and as a human being who also joined you in my own personal challenges to create those types of relationships in my life that have sustainability, that have longevity and that provide that level. of secure attachment for me personally and I guess if you made it this far in this video for you too this is something really important and this is how we get back to square one for who, there is an urgency, our hair is on fire and yes, we know it .

We are ready to do healing work, we have that sincerity, but can we and are we going to put effort into the work and research that I have done in a very short period of time of people leaving the membership community a predominant percentage that is try being too busy I'm too busy and yes we know that's a legit answer and the reality of life is very tiring and people work two jobs and have to do laundry and have kids. and keep in mind that while you're doing all these other things your hair is on fire or we could play with those images and say your heart on fire or if we play with the images and say well, you're reflecting the neglect and abandonment that came to you through from your life history, most likely in your family system and in your family relationships, where you have an attachment wound from being abandoned, rejected, neglected or ignored, and you have continually integrated that approach to being and really treat yourself as the same way.

In the same way, by denying yourself, creating self-directed, focused, disciplined, concrete and very clear healing plans and mapping them, you are neglecting yourself and will not be able to directly own the pain of saying: I have given up on myself another time. I am so overwhelmed and confused about what to do in my healing work, so I am going to abandon myself and continue doing the same thing I have always done and at least I can say that I tried to do some healing work. I tried that program. I tried to engage in that meditation I tried to do yoga and that's how it becomes really challenging that we have to have compassion for habitual behaviors, obstacles, lack of discipline, that we have to have empathy for ourselves, that we are creatures of habit that we have. . to have empathy for ourselves, that we lack a lot of agency to really be able to move these things forward, but we also have to, in a neutral, no-bullshit way, be honest with ourselves and say that trying is, in fact, a distraction. and that we give up on ourselves and we don't clearly invest commitment and time and concentration let me look at my notes how we're doing I'm feeling the intensity of the aftermath of the big the kind of under the exhale the sadness that for some of us this is capturing this is what we do to ourselves repeatedly there's this great cheerleader, let's get on board and I'm finally going to address what's going on and I'm really going to do it and then we fizzle out and implode and feel exhausted because remember I already said, you know, The third time I said the main reason we go in and participate in a program is because we feel sick and tired and then we feel sick and tired again.

We need a plan and I want to outline some ideas about this plan, as I have already said, the goal here is the self-directed healing that we have identified very clearly. Next is also the clarity of where to Focus your self-directed healing and I have already mentioned that the third aspect of a goal to focus on and all of this is included in the membership community is a community called improve your relationships and outside of it incorporates an eight-week program. program that is built into the structure, so it is this eight-week program that recycles, so I recognize that these goals are also built into the design of the program.

The goal is self-directed healing. The goal is clarity of where to focus. self-directed healing and number three, we need a concrete plan with a name and I've already talked about all of those things in this video. The next things I want to talk about are very specific things that we need, number one, choose your commitment and your frequency of participation and I will say it again choose your commitment and frequency of participation this is not remember it is your choice do you know how much it burns hair? you know if you can if you can afford to sit there and burn Well, these are not the kind of people I'm talking to now, whoever I'm talking to.

You know, I know some members of my community and I'm reaching out to you. People who sent me emails. People who message me frequently. It's not about saying or what I was going to say is that the people who contact me still have their hair on fire and they receive the message, they receive the urgent message, soThis is not what we're talking about, oh, I'll understand. I'll do that whenever I'm suggesting what I'm proposing what is the eight week program what is the community about improving your relationships this is not about being a consumer and just signing up for something and consuming videos by watching videos It's not about sit and read other people's posts.

It's not about window shopping your own life. It's not about saying oh yes. I will casually incorporate this process into my life whenever I come to it, this work and how I structure it. that and the group of people I'm addressing and you might be one of them is someone who values ​​staying focused and committed to healing work because they know they need to create some change and therefore the first thing they need to do is choose your commitment to participate and choose the frequency of participation will be daily it will be twice a week it will be three times a week and you can't say when when you get to that and that's why at this moment right now I made a decision for you and I did this I'm not I'm not saying that if you're not on the show I'm talking to no one no matter who you are what you are what you're doing if you're doing someone else's show if you're in therapy if you're practicing you know your own ritualized healing work process wherever you live all over the world because I know people watch my videos internationally right now with what you need and where you are in your life and how you know you need to face some change and you need to challenge. yourself to take the next steps right now make a commitment are you going to do this daily?

Are you going to do this twice a week? Are you going to do this three times a week? and I'll just add that you do it four times a week you have to make a decision, meaning you can't sit on the fence and then six months later wonder why you have so much tension and drama and your relationships keep repeating themselves the same old way. pattern. that they have always done, today you are planting the seeds of more relationships that will not work if you continue to ignore what you need to do around your self-directed healing, that is an idea that is very dear to me, I talk about it frequently, so I'm going Let's repeat it: we are planting the seeds of our suffering today that will appear in the future and this manifests itself in relationships very easily as a couples therapist or couples counselor we can begin to literally trace the cycle on a calendar. and the frequency with which couples create drama, argue, distance themselves from each other, repeat old dysfunctional patterns, all of this has a cycle and has a particular life and from my point of view as a therapist as a couples counselor I can observe over and over again Clients who are with me for a long time we know very easily when the next drama, tension, attachment, anguish, the old pattern will arise, and we analyze and identify what the ingredients are that go into creating this dysfunctional relationship recipe and we can see.

How then we start to take out the ingredients or change the ingredients and what we are doing is that we are changing the recipe and it is very easy to know at certain times of the year and after a certain amount of each couple has the frequency with which it is they allow themselves to come closer and experience intimacy and connection and then the point where they explode and create separation and they need to create tension and distance between each other and it is this dance of closeness of coming together and separating. Coming together and parting is very predictable, so if you create a commitment on a frequency to address your healing work, you will also be creating a commitment to continually observe what your relationship patterns are and where you can create some feasible, identifiable and manageable change that is happening. be a small step or in a digestible form, a lot of what we're talking about can instantly create paralysis in your brain because, honestly, it's very confusing and very broad because we're talking about what it means to be a human being and we're talking about what it means to be a human being with a self-reflective mind and we're talking about what it means to be a human being with a self-reflective mind who wants to create connection for the sake of safety and trust and closeness and find emotional companionship. , emotional closeness to thrive in this world and all the beautiful obstacles that get in the way of allowing us to do that self-directed healing work by creating a commitment and a frequency to start and a commitment and a frequency of how much you are going to focus on your work is an assessment that you are not going to continue down the path you have always gone let's move on to the next thing, choose the three main action steps, so for you we need the frequency, like I just said, now you have to do it, you can't , yeah, you can say, okay, I'm going to focus on this daily or I'm going to focus on this daily.

I'm actually going to make time for this twice a week before I even start. You have to choose what the hell you're going to do those two times. Again, go back to the degree of seriousness, clarity and concentration that you want to bring. this or if you want to be hesitant and say oh yeah you know I'm doing healing work because I'm just going with the flow you need a plan and a path and let me repeat like I said. Before, not everyone is going to resonate with this message because there are many ways to approach this, there will be a chapter, there will be a period of time where we take a softer, more organic approach, that could work and I recognize that.

There's validity to that and I know some people really need it because of how hurt or crushed or exhausted they are, everything I'm talking about sounds like a lot of work and honestly that's the point of this video. this is if you're realizing that that's what I'm saying it's work and you have to do your job and you're not doing your job you're just not doing it and I'm holding the mirror and I'm in front of the mirror everything I say is applies to me. I am not perfect. I'm not in order in my life. My relationships aren't totally stellar and I have a very good friend who she and I are relatively new to, but.

We are doing a 30 day challenge together and we have already decided the time when the 30 day challenge will end. We are starting a new 30 day challenge and we are reviewing the idea of ​​these three of these challenges daily. each other around very specific areas of obstacles of these patterns that we need to change and that we are not changing and for me it is about self-care aspects like going to bed on time, eating better or exercising because I work too much. because you know, this content creates an online business and creates videos. I am incredibly immersed in my passion and in line with that, I value it, but it is taking a toll on me by not being balanced, so I agree with everything I say.

I also need to identify my frequency and commitment to the place I'm working and I also need to identify what are the top three things I'm doing to get closer, that's the other thing you can choose for yourself. be careful, you can choose relationships with yourself, with your partner, with your family, with your children, you can look at your childhood, you can look at grief, you can look at grief, abilities, you can look at limits, you can spend, you can forge and say , you know if you have to choose where to focus, what's up with your obsessive thinking and that you are monitoring other people's thoughts and making assumptions and judgments about how other people treat you based on fantasy stories you tell yourself or a relationship is over and you Continue imagining talking to that person in your mind now.

I am also at this moment. If you've seen any of my videos, I'm talking about a symptom of trauma and, very specifically, attachment trauma in relationships, so I'm sensitive to this. Knowing that this is not something we just turn off, but if you are suffering from obsessive thoughts and worry about a relationship that ended months, years or decades ago and yet you find yourself in a loop and have this particular trauma symptom. of obsessive thinking and this filters into feeding fantasies of how one day you are going to get back together, that's it, that's your focus, that's what you need to work on and can you work on that in the next six weeks?

Can you work on that? Over the next eight weeks, are you going to work on it daily two times a week, three times a week or four times a week and then when you're working on it, what exactly are you going to do, which brings me to the question. next point once you choose what you are working on in the frequency a form of self-responsibility is to identify what exactly what you are going to do what is the path you are taking as you run to find the pond so that there are many other tools that exist.

I'm just referencing tools I've built around videos. Tools I've created around worksheets and handouts that are about community. Improved relationships. There is a weekly planner that is not weekly by right of the name. planner that offers some structure there is a you each week you can post what you learned what when you reflect on what you expected to learn what you learned there is an online chat group on Monday nights you can participate in the chat you can follow up on the transcription and participate in the content of the chat. You can watch a very specific video I created.

Create a summary and then offer a reflection on what that is. What did you learn in that video? Go ahead, choose yours. I offer what's called a core, the core concerns and core practices of dysfunctional relationships in dysfunctional relationships with secure attachment. There are 12 of them, core concerns and core practices. You can pick one for each week and it's going to identify a certain trait or behavior or attitude or pattern of a relationship that is no longer serving you and the practice is something that you can do a little bit differently to start to counteract that structure, so I just recognize that only I'm specifically sharing some of the options I have.

I have created myself as an administrator of this program as someone who has created over a hundred and eighty videos, is someone who has spent 20 years doing healing work and making it my identity, my life's work around the profession, but also not not only to the vocation, but to my avocation, so what are they? what you're working on, when you're working on it, and the next thing, the next thing you need is some form of personal accountability to get back to the name, publicly acknowledge what you're working on, or acknowledge it that way to yourself, but also encouragement. and praise, that's the goal of a community, that's why I created an online community.

I could have created a series of videos that are courses that you know to take, take this course where you sit passively by yourself and watch a video and watch the video when it's convenient for you and watch the video when I'm. I feel like it's this entire video. I usually never do this. I talk so much. I'm so past. I mean, I'm so dry because my head is on fire. that I need to find that pond because my mouth is dry after you have a frequency, after you can commit to what you are working on, clearly identify how you are going to what vehicles, tools, worksheets or resources you are going to use. to use and set up the frequent, you have some kind of accountability component and then you need some way to receive encouragement and support, we don't heal in a vacuum, we don't heal in isolation, when this is an important distinction to make because a couple have emerged of times and I'm glad I remembered it at this moment.

Self-directed healing does not mean isolation. Self-directed healing doesn't mean you value your independence and look at how incredibly independent you are and just know that you do everything by yourself on your own and you're not, and self-directed healing doesn't mean not seeing a therapist not working with relationship coaches. don't join a group therapy, a support group, don't Join an online community like the one I mentioned is that self-directed healing is an approach to how you guide and organize your healing plan and include it in that plan if so you choose it or you realize that yes, the best thing for you is to work with a Therapist, then guess what you will do next week or if your hair is on fire, you will not wait until next week, what you will do, you will

stop

watching this video right now.

I'm going to make a cup of phone calls. It's all about urgency and how willing you are to challenge the repetitive suffering that keeps happening in your life, so in addition to laying out the plan, we need encouragement and we need some support and that translates into finding other like-minded people, some community. where you feel like you're supported and you're not doing it all alone and build that into that, not just as a motivating factor, but it becomes the forum or the environment where you can hold yourself accountable through regular checking in. based on what you're working on, how it went, what your reflections are, what you're learning about yourself and guess what next week you do the same thing everywhere, you hit the reset button and you do it throughout this process and I said I have been saying this many times before in my life for many years.

We're not talking about some extracurricular tangent into your daily life of fixing something and then that's it.We are not talking about healing work as such. some kind of prescription or medication that will cure you and that's it if you approach healing work like that, maybe possibly for some people, depending on what you're not struggling with, that might be a good framework I've found. that that's a little bit misleading and even that creates an obstacle because we're not talking about how somehow, you know, you work on this really hard for seven months and then you're done and then you look at how happy and brilliant you are, that doesn't work. so maybe for some people and if it's for you you'll probably

stop

watching this video anyway because you don't need it for most of us, however, healing work doesn't mean, oh I need to change and fix something that's broken and being a different person, does not mean that I am choosing to engage in a conscious lifestyle and a healing lifestyle of maturation and personal growth and will choose a life that incorporates a contemplative path of self-reflection and value reaching I know myself and I value my inner world and I value paying attention to the parts of me that are suffering and pain I need attention and I value practicing how to give myself comfort and self-care and I value learning how to keep my mind this is a term in meditation that I have heard for many years do you know how you can keeping your mind in the cradle of loving kindness I mean, how beautiful it is that that's not something that you just do for seven months, seven weeks and then you give up and say oh, look, now you've totally mastered the ability to stay in loving kindness. .

This is an invitation. to a lifestyle and say that you will always be on the path of personal integrity, so it is not about healing work, it is not about getting rid of something, it is about showing yourself in your fullness to remain firm in the integrity of what you know is possible in the future. The type of human being that you are growing into, that you are maturing into and included in that or folded into that, is the type of relationships that you are creating and the type of relationships that you want, and here is the most important one, the type .

The relationship you offer to other people is not just about how you are going to achieve something and how you are going to be happy, but about how you are developing yourself, cultivating the skills that you can share with others so that they too. We can commit to you in certain levels of openness and vulnerability and honesty and emotional disclosure to reveal ourselves and that's what it's all about, that's the scary part and forgive me. I'm going to repeat an idea I've shared before and so on. If you've watched several of my videos, you may have heard this one before, but there's this: It's from Schopenhauer's Porcupines Schopenhauer, a philosopher I'm talking about, porcupines gather and group together in a community because they need each other. and they are a family and they want to stay warm especially imagine it's winter and then they prick each other and it's too much to stay in such close contact and it hurts and then you separate in a short time maybe not so short depending on if you have a style of avoidant attachment at some point you recover, you know what I think I need a little closeness.

I'd like to experiment with that again and then you come together and prick each other there's a kind of inevitability that metaphor that analogy that image of the porcupines is very much about the places in us that are hurting us, the places where we are challenged to be vulnerable and the moment we practice being vulnerable, if you have attachment traumas or attachment injuries that are not integrated, those are agitated, that is what is being triggered, but let's imagine that as that becomes more integrated and you are not triggered so quickly, for all of us as human beings, that is the human condition of how I allow myself to remain centered, grounded, present and open in relation to letting love in and offering another person that equal reflection to reflect that love and take it to choose to start it.

I mean, these are very complex things and if you want, if you think you're going to master it. something in seven weeks or seven months, then you know that maybe it is possible, but what I am proposing is what I am offering and that is why it is very particular the eight week program that recycles, it will be different content each time because it is a different group of people week one we are talking about relationships week two we are talking about grieving our losses week three we are talking about family relationships week five we are talking about emotional health a week six we are talking about making friends ourselves I skipped week 4, week Four, about your goals and all I'm talking about here is the time you spend focusing on your goals and the brain, the mind, which we know is about neuroplasticity, the ability to change. ability to override rewrite change these patterns this is something very concrete researchable and identifiable it is about how the brain works and the more experiences we have of virtual online community, the more experiences we will go out into the world and practice creating new experiences of relating and what I'm talking about integrated into the improve your relationships community program is every month or something called the rewire project challenge the brain rewires and we can very proactively frame this and talk about this as it's a relationships field trip.

It's not about reading a book, sending about watching a video, it's not about sitting at home journaling, it's about saying what we all need, if you're resonating with this content that I'm talking about, you need to practice. new corrective experiences that allow your system to synchronize with another person at a reasonable level of challenge and risk around vulnerability and openness, trust and security, and you really have the opportunity to have a corrective experience of allowing someone allows themselves to be seen and known to be affirmed to be valued and you must do the same for the other person you must also practice taking the risk that you are going to invite with desire to see the other person whom you are going to invite with many wanting to get to know the other person's other as well and how we do this enough and we don't have to do it in the context of a romantic relationship and honestly, initially it's very helpful to not even think in those terms, but you can do this in any relationship, you can do this with the barista at your local coffee shop and you have a beautiful moment of laughing and enjoying each other and you risk being vulnerable and sharing who you are.

It's about showing up in the world. That's how it is now. We are in a very tense place where we are not talking about healing work in the sense of clinical work, but we are moving towards a slightly broader sense of spiritual work, this is about being a human being and this is a style of healing life or me. I should say like I already said this is what I'm proposing this is my approach and from that perspective it's not going away you can ignore it you can be lazy you can be an artist and fool yourself about what you're trying to do you can lack discipline you can lack concentration you can sit on the couch and play games on your phone eat Doritos and watch TV which please forgive me even saying it that way is a little ungenerous not very generous I understand why we all have technical follies I just told you that I'm doing my 30 day challenges and I've struggled a lot over the past nine months.

You know, I want to make it very clear. You know, recognize that there is no judgment here because we could say PAH. I have someone. You, I want you to meet Kettle, you know, Kettle, I want you to be pop. I'm in the same boat, everything that I'm sharing and, honestly, everything that I've created in my articles that I publish in the community, the structure. The videos that I make regularly, all of this content is a reflection in a mirror, not only do you know my life's work and my healing process, but even today it pushes me to the edge where my hair is still on fire. and that as a human being I join you, I'm right, you know, I'm in line with you, I like to say with respect to and this is true for anyone who has a profession and presents themselves as a therapist or for you.

Knowing that a relationship coach is essentially we are all selling water by the river. I mean, you know, please know that you know that what I offer is found in my investment of time, my education, my ability to create some structure and clarify a process, but I too am thirsty and I also need water and in the process you know we're all in the same boat so I hope this was helpful. I think I'm almost done. I really wanted to face our obstacles. creating change and how we're not addressing old patterns or looking for ourselves and we're not really identifying some boundaries where we can have some discipline around those boundaries and when we do this, there are three things that we're going to counteract when we really focus on drawing a self-directed healing plan, we don't just say we're ready but we actually commit frequently and name what we're going to do and identify the resources we're going to use.

We use to get there the three things that counterattacks are counterattacks, overwhelm and choice paralysis that we have, we have the feeling of oh, maybe we could do this, maybe we do that, maybe we do it better too, but when We focus on everything. of the components that I shared with you here so we started to address we don't feel overwhelmed like we could ever have this also counteracts staying stuck I mean, some of this is just a simple and obvious 'we don't sit down, we're sweet, we counteract staying' inactive, we counter, we don't start, we counter our commitment to inaction, we counter our own passivity and, as I said later, this is a part that I am sensitive to, but sometimes not as a judgment, but just as let's be honest.

You also know our own laziness and sometimes we give up and sometimes we need it because it's hard, it's kind of hard and this is exhausting, but there's a difference between consciously taking a break and knowing how to pace yourself and give yourself a break. a reasonable amount of work to digest rather than giving up everything and doing nothing, we must observe the inertia of the habitual routine that when we employ a self-directed healing plan as I have outlined here, this can counteract the inertia of a habitual routine or habituated and this is what I mean when I mention that my friend and I are doing 30 day challenges, the goal is to really mix up a change or a change in the usual way of doing it. things and that's also what's offered in this community, the membership of the improve your relationships community is that this is a place, this is a place to find ground, a place to get your bearings, a place to center yourself and say, well , you are doing something different by participating in the community on a regular basis it is not the same as usual, we have to be willing to change the usual pattern, so I want to recognize that if you need help, here is the invitation and it requires you to do some task before accepting the invitation. that I can help you and/or I will help you with limits with limitation and with the proviso that you help yourself first and what I mean by this is that for those members of the community I will be available to offer at no additional charge a 15 to Him 20 minute chat is not therapy and I'm not the one doing all the work for you and we're not starting from scratch so what you need to do first is watch this video and really start to highlight some points of what I shared. and you have to start filling in the blanks about how often you work, where you feel overwhelmed and how you are going to counteract the overwhelm, what specifically you are focusing on for the next six to eight weeks, and what tools you need. you are using to work on that, if you are able to challenge yourself to plot that in paragraph form and you are a member of the community, improve your relationships and send me a private message in the community saying that I know what I have done with everything this and I still feel a sense of confusion, overwhelming and lack of direction and I don't really know where to go next to take the next step.

Please email me some aspect of what you just wrote. and what you are already planning, that is what I mean by meeting me halfway, so it is not about getting to this without having already invested in your process, in your path and in your work, and if then you want reach out and say, I need a little bit like you know a connection point to just check in and make sure we're on the right path. I will be able to offer support and have that phone conversation or video conference with you. Now keep in mind that there are a good number of members in the community, so if everyone signs up right away or everyone emails me, it will be a challenge or a flood, so I really need you to think if you really need this kind of help or if so this is not something that you should take advantage of because you would just like to do it.

I'm really highlighting people who feel like they're so directionless that they need to reach out and say you know, let's move on, Nate. Let's follow some kind of path and you've known for some time that you're still struggling to even identify what your path is, so let me repeat,do a little prep work so we have some good, meaty stuff to talk about, but if it's going to be helpful to you guys, then I want to make this available to community members and I want to repeat this, even though I just said it. I don't know how this will go with the scheduling and the number of people who will contact me, so I just have to tell you to be patient while I develop a system that seems manageable for everyone, but I am 100% committed in my own life to this type of job.

I am 100% committed to the vision of this community and I am 100% committed to you equally finding your own center around self-directed healing and using some of the ideological approaches of the philosophies, ways to guide yourself in your own maturation in your own growth. I want it to be successful. I want it to grow. to also feel a sense of direction in your life the same way I do and that's how you know each other together, you know each other as human beings on this earth struggling to make sense and make peace with how you love. and being loved and how relationships are created so that before we die we have a sense of belonging and I am committed to challenging myself and all of us to stay focused and work on that process to get to that place because it is possible and I believe in it and we deserve it.

I hope it has been useful to you. Thanks for listening to the very long video. You know, my hair was on fire, my mouth is like sir, my mouth is dry just from talking about the whole thing and thanks for listening.