LOVE EXPERT ON: When A Man TRULY LOVES You, He Will DO THIS! | Stephan Speaks & Jay Shetty

You have to be honest with yourself about why you are still here. Why do you cling to what really motivates you? You don't feel like starting the process over with someone else, so even if you don't feel it with him, you're wasting it. Your time as a best-selling author and host of the #1 Health and Wellness on Purpose podcast with Jay Shetty What are the signs that someone

love

s you deeply? Because I feel like we live in

this

world where we always wonder if they

love

me. They really like me They really like me How do you know

when

you love someone deeply and

when

someone

loves

you deeply? how do you know?

So I'll start with an answer that people probably won't expect. For me, the first key is if you really love them, because look at it

this

way, a lot of people get caught up in falling in love, they have unhealthy attachments, they have different motivations for why they decided that this is the person I want and that they can. make them feel like they're in love, but to me true love flows both ways, it's not a one-sided thing, so when you can say, "I don't like them like that, if we look deeply into that situation, I can almost guarantee what we'll find is that attachment for infatuation it's something else, but when you can say no, I feel it too.

I'm deeply in love with them. I think that's your first key because without that nothing else matters because many people choose partners based on how much they love me so much. , so I'm assuming it's safe here and it's a good choice, but the safe choice is usually the wrong choice and a lot of these people select this person thinking that everything is going to be fine, but because it isn't you really like them. , you can never be what they need and they were never really what you needed that's why you never got to that level with them so choosing them without first evaluating if you really love them would be unwise, yeah that's a great question and I think People also have a hard time answering that question because I think we think of love as so many different things wrapped up in one, for example I might think I love someone because of how they treat me.

I might think I love someone because they have one. quality that I really wish I had or could love someone because I think it's out of my reach and they pay me a little attention, yeah, and what we think of as love is so complex and so broad that we never stop to ask ourselves what it means. love, what is the definition of love, how do I define love, so how is love defined and how are other people encouraged to create their definitions of love? Well, for me, first of all, it's always God is love and then if we take it from there, love is about kindness, compassion, patience, understanding the

will

ingness to be selfless, important to that individual, but I think that What's also important for people to understand is that when we try to apply it to romantic relationships, we have to understand that there are other ingredients that are necessary before we can move forward to be able to love someone deeply, but if you're not emotionally prepared because such Maybe he hasn't healed from his past, maybe there are still some things that need to be resolved in his life, then it wouldn't be like that.

It's not the time to move forward in a relationship with them and we have this bad habit that the moment we feel like there's love there, we exactly want to move on and like you mentioned sometimes we can get stuck in that but we love them for what They do for us, but what are you

will

ing to do for them? Love is about giving the right thing, so we have to ask ourselves: Do we know what their needs are? Are we willing to satisfy those needs? Because if not, maybe this wasn't love. It just felt right in the moment, maybe you got caught up in the hype and that's okay, it happens to almost everyone, if not all of us, at some point in life, but we have to be very clear with ourselves about what It really drives us. the intention right now but I think that all those things that I mentioned is what love encompasses and that is like the basis of it and then from there we have to look at some other things to see how we can move forward as many times as you convince yourself .

Yourself, something is love and what I find really interesting is that many people fall in love too quickly and no one wants to go for slow, patient, understanding love, which is what love requires. You just said that love is kind, love is patient, love is understanding those things. take time, I think those things take time to nurture us and make sure we're doing it right for each other, so it's about learning each other's love languages ​​and how we make it work within that dynamic, I think also because many people are not used to dealing with emotions on that level, as vulnerable people handle it poorly, so it takes us time to get to a place to understand how to handle this and resolve it.

However, I think I'm a big I believe in connection and I think connection is like your spirit recognizes your partner and it's very instantaneous when you talk to couples who said they experienced a connection, they'll tell you that the first conversation the first time. They meet on the first date the first week was pretty quick, so for me the recognition that something deeper is here can happen very quickly, but how we cultivate it now and how we move forward is where we need to take our time and make sure we don't rush and overlooking certain important topics that need to be discussed and The first thing that addresses me is the understanding of chemistry versus compatibility and the idea that there has to be a spark, there has to be a connection that I feel with someone, as you say, on a deeper level, but I find that most people are not Adepts and know if the connection they feel with someone is deeper or physical, yes, I would say it's easy, you can often feel a spark, if you meet someone. a lot of people, you can feel a place with a lot of people. but that doesn't mean he's the right person to build a relationship with.

Absolutely true, yes, so the connection with me is a very rare thing, true, yes, so I feel like people who have really experienced it can tell you maybe once in their life, if you're lucky twice, maybe it's okay, but it's not something that happens to everyone, whereas the chemistry, uh, spark feeling, these things can happen with a lot of different people, yeah, so I think it takes this education to understand. how do we differentiate these things so we don't confuse them because I see a lot of people take that chemistry and think, oh, this is it, but you had chemistry with the last five people, why is this the one? and not them, so I think we have to be careful with that, yes I do, so we are on the same page, there are three things, there is a connection on the deepest level, there is chemistry that is like the spark in a more superficial level and then there is compatibility, which is what makes you lose and I can relate to that with my wife.

I definitely felt it, so I'm one of those people that I knew from the first moments when I met my wife before she was my wife. Like I was saying, yeah, this is my person, like I felt like that, yeah, sure I felt that connection and there was chemistry there too, but it had to become compatibility in order to create a lasting relationship. We've been together for 10 years, we're still learning how to build, going through everything, but that was a big part of being able to get behind it - do you see it that way too or is there something different?

How do you see it, believe it or not? to make compatibility the least important thing, but that was because I was looking at it the wrong way once I looked at the definition again and compatibility is about two people coexisting in harmony, yeah, so I thought, "Okay, no, You have to have that.” I just got stuck more, so let's say a dating site says okay, let's decide who's compatible, so I look at compatible as if on paper it looks good, it's supposed to match, but you can have a lot of people. which they are. You're supposed to be compatible and it doesn't work at all, so I think your compatibility is that complement, once we have the connection and the chemistry, now we have to create that harmony, which is compatibility.

Yes, I agree with you and it's It's interesting how that word compatibility is used and you're absolutely right that compatibility on paper doesn't exactly mean compatibility in real life and to me compatibility actually has another word in it which is like adaptability and that deeper understanding of an individual where you know how much you are willing to adapt in certain parts of the relationship, but we'll get to that. I think a lot of people like you know that and that's where we get into this conversation about what is slow for a lot of people. waiting to feel if this person is wasting my time, it's them and that's why they don't have a deeper connection, maybe they had that spark of chemistry and now that has died down, how do you know if someone is wasting your time? how do you know?

If you let yourself be used or wasted in that way, for me, again, I think it always starts with yourself and you have to be honest with yourself about why you're still here, why you hold on to what really drives you, because you only use . For example, let's say you're a woman and the only reason you're hanging on to this guy is because he's a good guy, you don't feel like starting the process again with someone else, so even though you don't feel it with him, you think, let me try to make it work, you're wasting your time, this is where you're setting yourself up for disaster every time, so if it's not born from a true connection, love, genuine desire, you really like this guy.

Of course, there are always things that we have to work on, but is the foundation solid enough that we can say okay, we can do something special here and I think once we are honest with ourselves, that helps answer the question why sometimes we get so stuck? Trying to animalize the other individual's lies is like they get into our heads and now we are missing out on what is really important here and we can't always say for sure what is going on with them. I will say that in general if this person is not willing to talk about things, you are wasting your time if you are not willing to address or correct the things that have been talked about, you are wasting your time if you are not on the same page about what what you want and where you want to go in life wasting your time, so there are some things that I think we can just look at and say, listen, this doesn't make sense here, but a lot of times and I have to say this, especially for women, the Women's intuition is extremely powerful.

I firmly believe in it and I feel like women know very early on that this is not the case but they rationalize the reasons to convince themselves to give this man a chance and again this is a waste of time because it just doesn't work. I've seen people turn what should have been maybe a couple weeks of dating into years of being married to someone they weren't happy with because they didn't listen to themselves from the beginning, they knew what it was but they just didn't. They could accept it. what it was yeah and I love that point about intuition it's almost like when a relationship finally ends many of us think to ourselves I knew they weren't right yeah like I knew I knew they weren't the one but you just didn't hear that part of yourself, yeah, so let's break it down for people, let's help people, we start talking about three very important words, connection, which you defined, chemistry, which we define in compatibility, which we define how people behave.

They know the difference between connection and chemistry when they meet someone because I find that science shows that you're experiencing dopamine and cortisol at the same time, you're experiencing the chemical reward and the chemical stress at the same time, which gives you that feeling of chemistry. What is the feeling of butterflies in your stomach or do you like me, do you like me? what should i use? that kind of feeling but then you're talking about a deeper connection how do you hear the difference? because I think a lot of us just get carried away by the feeling of I'm so interested in that person, they're so interested in me, how do you know?

So I think one is if you are yourself or you can be yourself with this individual if you are presenting your representative, then this is not a real connection, they are falling in love with this person that you are presenting, but that is not real, so to me you should already be yourself, but with that person you have a connection with, it's a more natural flow. We don't have to force it, we just feel much more comfortable with them. I think also, it's when you find yourself caught up in the moment and caught up in that chemistry again, you have to ask yourself, what am I?

I really get attached to what do I really like about this individual? What I find is that when it really comes down to chemistry, we're still on the surface, you don't really know about them, but you just know that maybe you guys had a good time. They had fun at this event. They were able to talk about a lot of different things, which is great and will also be important if there is a connection. However, do they even know what college they wanted? Do you know what kind of lifehave? I want to live, you know, are you really on the same page?

I think connection is our paths aligning, our purpose is to align, so in order for us to align we have to have a deeper understanding of where we are going and if we can get there together. That's why I think even though you feel it or feel like you're feeling it, you need to do your due diligence to dig deeper and find out. Is this just me getting stuck on the surface or is there something real here? Yeah, and I think once we ask enough questions because I think that's the other big problem, we have this experience where we feel this chemistry, we're really excited and now we're afraid to ask questions because we don't want to blow up the fantasy.

Yeah, you know what I'm saying, we just thought no, no, I want to keep believing this is cool, so don't let me ask anything, don't let me run. This person walks away, don't let me rock the boat, but that will be what tells us if this is real or not. Yeah, I think I think you're onto something there, like we're so afraid of losing someone that you're okay with not asking important questions and discovering important truths that really define whether this relationship is absolutely going to last and that, ultimately, is to go back to your previous point, that is, ultimately, you are not yourself, you are losing yourself, you are afraid of not being yourself. you're going to lose the other person, so you're okay with not being yourself.

Do you think it will ever be okay? I think it's a funny question, but I have to ask it because I think it's a healthy discussion. Do you think it's ever okay to present something different? sides of yourself to attract someone or do you think that you're ultimately setting yourself up for failure in a relationship almost like I think a lot of people may not become someone completely different, but I think a lot of people say oh I'm going to show my smart side. because it will attract this person or I will show my side because they are like that.

Are you saying that type of molding is unhealthy or do you think there is room for that? Anything that is not sustainable is not healthy, so look at it as if you are a man and you are meeting this woman. I want to impress her, so I say, she's fine, I'll try to spend all my money, take a good five. star restaurant all these things, but deep down I prefer a simpler lifestyle, you know, I don't like all those extra things, okay, that's horrible, it's a disaster sale, it's not healthy because you can't sustain what you you are introducing him to that individual. that will attract them, so whatever it is, another common example is that there will be women who love to communicate, they want to be able to talk to you every day, but because they are afraid of appearing a certain way, we will suppress their communication, so now they'll make it seem like they're okay with talking once in a while, we don't always have to text and then this guy falls for this low standard.

I won. I can't call it a low standard, but don't have such high expectations of him when it comes to communication, then he finally gets with the woman that his true self will come out at some point, no one can suppress his true self forever, it comes out and now it's like this is it i didn't sign up for this now we're fighting now we're stressed because you want me to call you more he was used to you not caring as much so it's not always going to work out so it's extremely unhealthy unless we present a side of ourselves that is

truly

us and we can sustain it.

Have you noticed again that at the beginning of relationships we often show unrealistic standards and set those yeses and then when things change and now you're back in reality again, the other person says, but wait a minute, I thought you really liked me and I even went through that with my wife when we met. I was able to spend almost every day with her because I didn't have a job and that's why I was looking for work. She was applying. I went to see her at her university every day and spent the day with her and was at her library applying for jobs while she studied.

Yeah, and I got to see him every day and I think I saw him every day potentially for six months, maybe every day, five days a week at least, and then when I got a job, that wasn't the case anymore because Now I was at work. and I had set this unrealistic expectation that we could see each other all the time and even in the beginning I saw her all the time because she was spending time with her family, but we weren't spending time with my family because I hadn't told my family yet and now that my family knew that we were trying to split time and suddenly it was like wait a minute, we used to spend time at my house and even little things like that took a little adjusting because I had set a false standard in our relationship and then, luckily my wife was adjusting and she understood and she got it and it was fine but I think for a lot of people you set unrealistic expectations about who you are, yeah and it's hard to come back from that, absolutely yeah and that's why it's so important to us. knowing who we are so we can present the real thing from the jump, you know, because, again, a lot of times people know the idea that we're always changing.

Yes, I think we are always evolving, but some of the big changes you see are not because that's life, but because you took the time to discover yourself first and then you got involved with this person and now I want you to. adapt now, thank God for you, she was able to adapt, but there are many people who can't handle that, yes, and now everything falls apart from there, so yes, we have to be very careful with who we are. introducing from the beginning, yes, I agree with you that we believe that people change, but in reality they just start to understand themselves exactly, they went from being completely unaware about who they were, you met an unconscious version of a person, yes, and now you think They're changing, but they just became aware of who they absolutely are and the thing is Stefan, as you know, society doesn't encourage that moment of knowing yourself when you're young, you're not trained in how to think. about who you want to be you're trained to think about what you want to do it's about your job it's about your career you're not thinking about who you are as a human being or as a person so how do we do this?

In a society where understanding who you are is unclear, it is not recommended where to start or where you have found great ideas when trying to discover who we are. I would love to see more parents encouraging their children to explore how they feel. about who they are, what I've found is that there are a lot of people who, let's say, I had a client who wanted to be an actress when she was little, uh, but the parents push her in a different direction now she's like a social worker. but her desire is still to be an actress, as the things that they wanted to do, that they want to do as adults now, can be found in their childhood in many cases, so I feel that many people have stifled their children's desire. growth in certain areas with limited ideas of well this can't make money or this wouldn't be a good look for the family or whatever the case may be, it's like I'm not allowing them to come in and see for themselves if that's really where I belong. outside of that for me.

I think the most important thing is to tune in spiritually. I just firmly believe in that. I feel like I found myself when I entered what I call my Wilderness period. I kind of just turned all that off. I was doing it because I used to have fun celebrating all these different things and then God slapped me on the head and I had to really step away from it all and go deeper from within and it felt like a process of breaking myself down to rebuild myself and that's when I start to see things clearer because I realized that the world is full of distractions and it is the distractions that prevent us from seeing ourselves as we really are if we simply disconnect.

Distractions for long enough you'll learn a lot, so even if someone took a year off, don't worry, you know, limit the TV you're watching, limit the music you're listening to, limit all the internet stuff, just dig deeper. more within yourself. Spend more time alone, spend more time, you know, thinking and processing, you will learn a lot because, again, a lot of this is not a problem that we don't know ourselves, we are not aware and we are not willing to accept and once we we allow ourselves to do those two things we become aware and then we accept it we become free yes, I mean I agree with you, I think I've always been a big advocate of solitude to understand who you are because as soon as you have another person now you have the another person's opinions you have to filter yes, as soon as you have another person in front of you you have another person's judgments to filter and then now you can't even say what you really think about something because you are constantly thinking what that person thinks about me and my beliefs and therefore understanding your beliefs in solitude allows you to be very clear about what your values ​​and beliefs are and that's what they are there for, I think when people come into conflict if we shift to compatibility again.

The idea that we talked about about the difference between connection and chemistry, but compatibility is really interesting because a lot of people believe that relationships should be difficult and require hard work and a lot of people believe that relationships should be easy and that everything should flow. I kind of discovered your lens on that Spectrum, so okay, there's a couple of ways to look at it. I think most relationships and I'll even be more specific, most relationships that involve connection and true love are usually difficult, not because relationships have to be difficult, but because most people have been hurt.

For something in their life, they hold on to past traumas that they haven't resolved once they meet this person they feel so strongly about. It's scary. This is where things get difficult. It's the difficulty of how to do it. I handle this, how do I do it? You will make people feel like they are losing themselves, but they are not losing themselves, their true self is coming to light and it is the self that has been hiding behind that wall that they have been using for quote unquote protection, but I always say the same module to protect you, the same as blocking your blessings, so now they are getting them out from behind, it makes them feel some way and again people start mishandling things, you also have situations. where people get bad advice, as I'm going to give an example, there's a book called The Game by Neil Strauss.

I don't know if you ever read that book, yeah, it was great, Neil, you know, you respond to that world to choose from. In art we learned it and he was great with women, but once he found that woman he fell in love with, all that doesn't work anymore, so a lot of men are taught how to handle women in general, but They don't understand that this is not how you handle the woman you really love and now again you have people who, although they are really in love with this person, constantly mistreat them with bad guidance, with fear and all these things, this is what makes it difficult. and even I think a lot of times the people who are supposed to be together will find it harder to do so, but I think once we're able to conquer that part and really come together, it won't be difficult, yeah. requires work.

I think we have to be conscious and aware of how we treat our partners, how we present ourselves, and be willing to listen, but I think it's a lot easier to do those things with someone you have a connection with and are

truly

in love with. It's always going to feel ten times harder when you're in the wrong relationship and I would say the vast majority of people are in the wrong relationship, that's why they see it's so hard and when you see all of this it's easy, it's usually easy because you have two people who aren't digging deeper, they're trying to write that chemistry we talked about before for as long as possible, so yeah, it seems cool, it's easy, there's no problems, but it's not like that.

It really works that way because they just don't face the reality of the situation, so I think we have to understand that there will be some obstacles along the way because of all the things that people have been through, but once we can come together and know that this He is our partner, this is the one we want to share our life with, he can improve a lot, yes, and do you think that people in general have been given the wrong education on how to deal with others? person in your life 100 yes, because unfortunately a lot of people are giving advice from a small or hurt place and they are trying to disguise it as if they are just looking out for you, no, you have inhaled and you can't guide properly. them in a positive and loving way and I think a lot of people you know I always say it's funny how we spend a lot of time educating ourselves for the sake of our careers and businesses, but we don't do the same.

The same goes for relationships and yet you could say that relationships are even more important than that career and even if it's not a romantic relationship, just relationshipsIn general, your ability to coexist with others, connect with others is extremely important, if you want that business to be successful, you must learn. how to build business relationships there's no way around it so we have to learn how to talk to people listen to people you know what I'm saying and just make things work when we meet other people so I definitely think that Simply we lack a lot of education and again, too much because there are so many voices on the internet, so much bad advice is being given now and the people giving it may be giving it like "let's just do it." Let's say 80 of the advice is accurate, but it is 20 the ones who are completely wrong the ones who can derail everything and that is what attracts people and this is causing a lot of problems.

Can you give us an example of some non-specific people? something like that, I just want to say, could you give an example of bad advice and what is bad or unhealthy for people to try and put into practice? Well, one thing I heard recently was someone told me some of the best advice you can. Giving to men is not falling in love, you know, basically just find a woman you want to be with and keep her there. The reason I see that horrible advice is because you sit down with any man who has lived enough of a life.

Everyone will be able to say that there has been at least one time when they failed deeply for a woman. It's okay, the problem is not falling deeply for a woman. The problem is that we don't know how to handle it once we get there. The problem is because we are not used to managing and processing our emotions in a certain way and being so vulnerable we do not understand what is going to be required of us at that moment and we also lose sight of it because I am a great believer in the masculine. and feminine energy and I think that if she was attracted to you because of that masculine energy that you give off and now you become this emotional disaster because you don't know how to handle well all these feelings that you have for her you start to become less attractive to her and it's not If it can't be fixed, it can be fixed, but again lack of understanding and awareness derails the situation, so instead of telling men not to fall in love because it's inevitable, let's teach them how we walk in love, how we do what we do. we make.

I call Love in your masculine how you hold that energy and still be able to pour it into that woman in a way that allows the relationship to flourish, yeah, and how that works when I think, obviously, a lot of people in that example that you're giving. If the person is attracted to someone because of their masculine energy but at the same time wants them to be empathetic, compassionate and kind, which is generally considered more feminine energy, how does that person balance the two? It is not like this? What you are explaining is that no, it is about balance, so we have to understand that we all have the masculine and the feminine, of course, within us.

I am a believer that one should be your dominant energy, the other is the one you turn to when necessary, just as Man, you can walk in your masculine form and in those moments access those things, but you can't just stay there all the time. time, you can't just become this needy emotional God that's not going to work in the vast majority of cases and So what's happening is that the message is being spread that women don't like nice guys. I do not think it's that. I think women become less attracted when you don't know how to exude and walk in your masculine attitude. energy is and we hide behind the good boy label, you can be a good boy and still exude masculine energy and that's the thing and we also think that, oh, they like bad boys, no, if you look deeper , it is really the masculine energy that that bad boy in quotes exudes, but what they want is a mix of both in the same way that we would want a mix of both, we would want a sweet and loving woman, a family woman, which be it or and if you're a guy who wants a mask and Cool Woman, but you don't want it to be just that, you know you want it to have the ability to tap into that other side when necessary.

I think we all want that balance in our partners and I think it's healthy and we just learn. how to maintain it and how to nurture it we would see greater success in relationships yeah what are some of the skills to master that energy that you think we're missing and balance that energy and know when to be which and why? The reason it's hard is because I think we live in a binary world, where you feel like you have to choose, whether you're a bad boy or a good girl, whether you're a doer or a thinker. uh winner or you're a loser right we think like that and some people say okay you need to be masculine or I can be feminine and I definitely relate to what you were saying I think there are a lot of things about me that are hugely masculine in energy using that language and terminology my drive my ambition how I work my strategic mind and at the same time consider that I have great energy and feminine qualities when it comes to empowering others and caring and the ability to hold a deep space of compassion and being empathetic, which are almighty qualities for everyone.

Regardless of gender, they are powerful qualities and I appreciate them and it has taken me a long time to know when to be which and I still make mistakes, there are still times Like I should have been more assertive, I should have been more affectionate, so we live in a world that find it difficult to hold two opposing ideas at the same time, yes we don't know how to do it in any sphere of life let alone within ourselves, so what are some of the skills we can learn to nurture both energies in a way healthy within ourselves?

I think it's going to take a lot, if you're already in a relationship, it's going to reduce. to a lot of transparency and communication, you know her if you're that man trying to understand that woman and when you can walk in those two energies, she's willing to be honest and open about, you know, this was too much here or me. I needed some of this here and over time you will become more aware and understand that it will be like second nature to you, you won't have to think about it too much and I think part of it is not thinking too much, it's kind of like being ourselves but understand that we have to learn when this is doing too much and vice versa.

I also think that actually for a lot of men, especially when we talk about relationships and losing that masculine energy, the underlying problem is fear, okay, when we are so afraid of losing this woman, we lose ourselves and a lot of men now fall in this very feminine space of need because they are simply afraid, we have to learn that, listen to me, like me, I feel if your partner thinks you are never going to get away from them, no matter what they do, you have lost, that is a horrible place to be. being, we have to get to a place where we both understand that, as long as we show up the way we need to.

Show up for each other, we support each other, we'll be here, but neither of us will tolerate an unhealthy relationship and someone who blatantly doesn't want to work to make this better. I wish the woman I'm with felt that way. and I need to feel that way once we understand that and you have the confidence that I can walk away if I need to, that changes your energy right there and now you don't find yourself falling into that place where you again start to feel that way. They look much less attractive or for some men they become yes men in their relationships thinking that makes her happy that turns her off she doesn't want you to be her man she does want you to defend yourself sometimes she gives her opinion she gives her perspective she wants to be able to know if there's something, to be able to have conversations with you about these things, not just say whatever you want, whatever you want, whatever you want, over time, it becomes a problem, so I think once we get over that fear once.

We create a space where we can talk about these moments and not feel some way. I think sometimes men have no difficulty accepting criticism from their partners, men and women, it happens to all of us when we feel like we have real feelings for someone. You know we don't care about you, it's not a big deal, but we are emotionally involved, we are more sensitive to it, but we have to understand that these criticisms are to improve things and strengthen this relationship. Once we can get to that place, it will be much easier to grow into it and then I think it's just a matter of understanding that this balance is not just for your relationship, so look at it from a sports perspective.

I'm on a basketball team, there may be times when I need to step up and recognize that okay, everyone else is down, someone needs to step up, this is my time and then there are other times when I I realize, okay, let's say we already have a team. captain, let me show you that I can follow the service, do whatever it takes so the team can win, it's just becoming aware of what the moment requires, you know and again I think the more in tune we are, the more in tune we will be. ourselves and the more in tune we are with our partner, the easier it will be to find that balance, that is the challenge.

The challenge is how much patience do we have with ourselves and with others to realize that you entered into a situation of imbalance and now it's like, how much patience, how much time are we going to give it to get to that? Because the challenge is that I think we go into a situation thinking it's perfect, whereas we should go into a relationship knowing that it's absolutely imperfect and that we're going to learn and figure it out together and I think that's what sets us up for failure because we go into it. in it thinking it's perfect and deep down we know it's not, but somehow we overlook it while I find when I know we're going to fight when I know we're going to argue and I know there will be disagreements that will prepare me to develop the skills I need to navigate those things, yes, but I do assume that we are never going to fight and I always do it right.

We always know someone who goes, I mean a friend who goes with me, Jay, we never fight. I wonder how long they've been together because no. I don't know anyone who never fights. I understand that no one has to do it. get to like, yes, the heights of fighting, yes, I did that, I did that, it doesn't have to be a heated fight, but I don't know anyone who doesn't disagree, it's all good, I think it's important that the people Understand, yes, there is a difference, yes, there are some people who say that arguing is normal, it is healthy and to me it is like listening if we are talking about discussing where we are now.

Crossing disrespectful lines, negative lines, you know the way that the tone that we take with each other all these things that are not healthy yes, it can happen, you have to be prepared for that, but it happens, let's not normalize it, we will just keep doing this and It is what it is, but you are right to be. to be together long enough and never have a disagreement, that's extremely rare, okay, extremely rare and I think again, as you mentioned, we have to be prepared for those moments, we have to understand and go back to how we find that balance, especially as men and even for women it is recognition, so for example, if my partner is in a very heated moment, let's say he is in his masculine form right now, okay, he is getting hard, well, find him with a person more male will probably only make things worse, yes, this is the time to I must be compassionate, go to her, hug her, calm her, bring her peace in that moment.

You see, because we need to balance each other. Same thing on the other side, if I'm very hot and very passionate. and then my wife now comes with the same energy, that's where the button is, this is her moment to say no, let me now be the one to soften the moment, bring that sweetness there and everyone will calm down so she can learn to feed herself. from each other and recognizing that she's okay, they're here, let me bring it back here and now we can work from that point and we're both good. The problem is that we all see compassion, gentleness, and kindness in those moments as weakness.

We don't want to be that person because we see it as a loss, we see it as giving in, we see it as losing our power and strength in a relationship, if we become the comforter or if we become the caregiver, that's right. perception, that is the perception and we have to change that is the position of power, so who is more powerful? The person who lets the energy dictate how they are going to react or the person who brings the energy and dictates how it goes. to make this situation develop so if I come to calm it down and I am very sweet because I am trying to bring peace here I am in the position of power I am not going to lose anything I am going to gain more peace and happiness and harmony if I am successful in what I'm trying to do, so we have to get out of that mentality that this makes us weaker and that is the big key, it is a big problem that for many women who struggle with their feminine energy it is a big problem where they feel that being feminine is weakness, is what caused them to be taken advantage of and hurt, but I always say that the problem is not the feminine energy, but who you give it to, they respect it, right?honor him, you know it's the same as a man, she respects your masculinity, if she doesn't then that could just be a sign that you are with the wrong person, but don't stop being that guy because the woman is better for you .

You're going to need that in those moments that's exactly what it is, when people have been their best selves to the wrong person, that person brings out the worst in them, yeah, right, like when someone has been their best version of themselves. Loving kindness but someone took advantage. From that that person now thinks that next time I have to be aggressive, I have to be, you know, powerful, I have to be strong in this way and I feel like that's what most people deal with, we know that. is that you're dealing with a wounded version of Someone yeah, it's not a healed version of someone, but I think people have a hard time trusting over and over again, especially when they see the same patterns in the person, they're weird and I guess the question It's why we keep making the same mistakes because I feel like a lot of us keep hanging out with the same people, yes, and there's a part of us that also keeps shutting down or being more hurt.

It's almost like you cut yourself and now you walk with the hand you don't want to get cut on. over and over again, if you start it and it cuts even deeper, now you're even more aware of it and then I find that people are doing that thing where they close their heart more and more because it's been so misused and abused and I understand. I understand that people don't want to be abused or misused, but I guess the question is how do people find people that they know respect them so that they can be the best version of themselves or be a better version of themselves so that you know that No you can expel the Darkness with more Darkness, you cannot expose someone who is going to hurt you by being someone who is closed off and repressing you, we have that what we were talking about, we have to consider being vulnerable, loving and open. no that's how you expose people faster if I come with that energy and you can't respect it then I know you don't belong here but if I hold back I give you a free pass to hold back so now we have two people hiding behind its walls because it's comfortable there, but you can't really see what's really in front of us, those walls blind you and you can't evaluate properly. the situation so we have to get to a place of healing from our past so that we are not just walking with our hand over the cut no, you have to let the cup breathe, you have to let it heal, it's okay holding on, put your hand there it is delaying the process and like you said all that will happen is when you finally remove your hand but you are removing it with the wrong person and you haven't learned.

Look, what I want people to realize is your actions were not the problem, that is, being loving, sweet, kind, compassionate, was not the problem, it was the person, separate those two things, you don't stop doing the good things now granted, are there levels at which we have to learn again? If I'm thinking about a man, if you got so deeply emotional that you lost your masculine energy and became very needy, okay, you can say okay, I need to continue being affectionate, but I know I have to learn how to do that. to draw a line I have to learn not to cross that moment and again you only crossed it because you were not healthy in the beginning, you only cross it because you were afraid in the beginning once you get to that place where you are healthy and I'm sure you no longer you will find yourself crossing that line, yes you will no longer tolerate certain things, so we have to heal, we have to be confident and we have to let our light shine so we can expose what is in front of us more easily. a brilliant answer.

I love the differentiation between how sharing your light is not the problem, the person is the problem because we, yes, begin to doubt whether being a good person, a loving person, is actually what wins in the world, yes, and The truth is that if. win, but you have to win with someone who can receive it and absolutely hold that space with you and share that space with you and I find that a lot of people keep giving that energy to the wrong person because we feel like we can make it better. There is a feeling that I can change this person.

I can improve it. I can cure her. Some of us want to fix people, yes, and that means we assume the person we're with is broken and I think this is subconscious. things like if you're always criticizing, if you're always picking on your partner you probably don't think it's cool, like a moment ago you think there are some problems with them when you think you can fix them and they're broken, tell us about that angle where now we've almost talked about being the loving and kind person, but sometimes we are the person who thinks we are loving and kind because we want to make someone better but that person. does not want to improve, a big problem is that what really leads people to choose that individual is that by being the one who can improve, you improve yourself.

I have more value here by having more value. I have a false sense of security. You have to do it. Appreciate me, you're less likely to leave, you're less likely to cheat because you're lucky to have me. I feel like I'm the prize here, but those situations never work because again you're choosing someone who isn't. able to pour into you the way you need, you are basing this on what you could do for them and that is not sustainable and you are choosing them because again you have more emotional control here, which happens to so many people, especially women, It's something I call the unhealthy love cycle of women, where women in their first love experience outside of any childhood trauma may have experienced that they are the most loving, they're just out there, they go all the way, but that usually happens. at a younger age.

At an age where men are not mature enough to handle those kinds of emotions, that level of commitment, etc., so she gets hurt after being hurt, her time is to say to herself: I will never let this hurt me. happen again, so now The woman starts consciously or unconsciously choosing men who, I don't want to say, are more than hurt, but essentially a man who doesn't take her there, is good enough to be with, but I'm not so vulnerable with him, she can't hurt him. I like that first love hurt me and that dynamic usually leads me to choose that person who I can fix, I can improve, who will appreciate and respect me, but again it doesn't work and many times you will see these same situations, the boy.

He will continue to cheat on her, not because and I have to say this because some women think that yes, he is just being a man, no, not because he is a man, but because you chose a man and you could never be the woman he needed and he could . Never be the man you needed once he gets what he needs from you to get stronger or the smoke clears because he is in love with you and starting to realize that I'm not getting everything I want and now you build it. up has brought him more attention from other women, so now the difference between what you are not giving him and what someone else is willing to give him becomes much clearer now that the Temptation becomes much stronger and he ends up doing something or she ends up cheating too because he is safe but he doesn't satisfy her, he doesn't satisfy her, he doesn't excite her in any way and that's why I always said before that the safe choice is almost always the wrong choice, but that's a function of people trying to choose these solutions or improvements because they think it will give them some leverage there it's leverage that's it yeah it's leverage yeah how do you know when it's time to go?

How do you know when that's how I feel? This is a common question where it's like you know when it's like I've just tried everything we've tried together we did the best we could maybe we went to therapy maybe we got a coach or maybe you know maybe we didn't do that Things, How can I know that I feel like I need to leave, but I'm afraid of being alone? Yes, I'm afraid to deal with reality. I put in a lot of energy and I feel like you said this. before, but many people stay in something for much longer than they should because they prefer not to be alone, yes, they prefer not to face reality, they prefer not to lose two years of their life, they prefer to lose two more.

Thinking this should stay like this, how do you know when it's time to go? Let me tell you this first, yes. I guess I think society needs to change their thinking that Letting Go doesn't always mean it can't work later. It just can't work in these circumstances, that's okay because some people say, well, I feel like they're the one, maybe they are, but maybe it's not the right time and letting go will allow you both to do what's meant to be. . done in your personal lives that would allow you to get back together and have something much more amazing, so that's the number one thing to consider, but outside of that, if that person is not willing to do the work necessary, it's time to leave.

Like so many times, I will upload a video about communication and someone will comment saying I tried to talk to him and he doesn't want to talk to me and in my head I think why are you? still with them if he refuses to talk to you you have already tried there is nothing more to do but people will let him stay and carry on why they can why they constantly complain or are unhappy about this specific problem will not magically get better. We're not going to change it just because they suddenly see, oh, it needs to change, no, if they're struggling now, they have no reason to change it and what people have to understand, you know, especially with all this trying to fix people .

Healing and facing your traumas is one of the hardest things for people to do, so if they already have you in their life, they essentially get the incentive or benefit of the relationship without having to do any deeper work, it's almost like I I'm at a job and the job says you need to have a master's degree to work here, but we'll hire you anyway and give you time to get that master's degree. If getting that degree is too difficult for you, you're going to drag yourself out. that as long as possible, yeah, you might never get the title until you get fired, when you get fired and you realize, oh my God, if I don't do this, I'll never get this person back, I'll never get this chance back.

Now you could go find it because it is very difficult to walk the path of the healing process, so if you are not willing to work on it, you have already discussed it and I think that is very important because there are many relationships. that ending and couples don't even know what the real problem was, so the communication they will say, well, we talked, no, you argued, you lashed out, there was no clear communication about what the problem was, what was expected. How do we do this if you've already done it and I think one of the most effective ways to do this is through a letter because I feel like verbally communicating deep issues and concerns usually doesn't go well? they get distracted they forget what they want to say the other person gets defensive they don't do it they listen to the rebuttal so as not to understand but when there is a letter involved it gives you time to get everything you can out you can evaluate your tone leave no stone unturned and now you have the opportunity to process it in your time to really digest it and then you guys can get together and discuss the letter and now it's much easier to stay on point and have everything covered if we've done that and you're still not willing or there's still no progress It's time to go, yeah, that's great, that's great advice and to me that's the most important.

It's like you can't make something last if only one person is working on it, you can't keep waiting. and waiting and hoping and like you said ending doesn't mean forever and I often found that two people need to grow individually in order to grow collectively and we are forcing them to grow together very hard but we need space to grow and if they can't grow together, most likely It's that they need to separate to see if they grow together again or grow for someone else and all of those options are fine, but we put so much pressure on people to grow together that they separate, yes. and in fact, if they choose to separate and grow separately, they could get back together if they learn the lessons and I think that's a mistake too, although sometimes people think I'm going to learn this lesson for this person.

I know a lot of people. You're okay, they broke up with me because I wasn't XYZ, now I'm going to become XYZ to get them back, yeah, and I always find myself saying, well no, you should become XYZ, but not to get them back because you don't know what they're going to do, what's your opinion on people trying to get them back? So I agree with you 100, if we are trying to learn or grow, it should be for the benefit of who we are and who we deal with it was almost like I was a bad communicator in this relationship.

I shouldn't learn to communicate better with that person. I need to communicate better with whoever I'm going to be with. If you can't see it from that perspective then maybe you're looking at the wrong thing. Mine is this. I think it all depends on what the details of thesituation that led to the breakup. What were you overlooking? What was missing? these solvable problems because a lot of people are trying to get someone back where the problems aren't solved, so it's like what's the point of coming back? We're just going to go through the same cycle again.

They're letting this idea of ​​I miss them, I don't want to be without them, blind them by the fact that you two didn't get along or don't want the same things or YouTube, whatever, maybe there's a lack of sexual satisfaction. I don't know why I feel the need to mention that but it happens a lot of times, you have to stay focused on what led up to the end and this can be corrected if it can be cooled down but like you mentioned hearing corrected doesn't guarantee they will come back and even if they will come back you don't know when they will need it so you may have realized in six months that they might need a year and I would say if you really are meant for each other and at the end of the year you need a year too , you are just overlooking some things and you are rushing the process because you want to get back to them, yes, I have never encountered a situation where it was really just one person who had problems and the other person was squeaky clean.

No, no, you thought you were, but you also have some things that you needed to correct, of course, so I think we have to be honest with ourselves and keep striving to be better and instead of focusing on winning. They come back just become the best you because if you do and there is a true connection there the opportunity will present itself again and you too will be able to do something with it and the struggle is that when people finally make the decision to break up or leave Go , the study showed that the parts of your brain that activate in a breakup are the same as detoxing from cocaine, like you're literally trying to detox so you can get a craving, yeah, for someone who's bad for you, yeah , or also says. that the areas of the brain that are activated in a breakup are the same areas with physical pain, so if someone likes to punch the stomach, the reason we say my heart feels broken is because it literally feels like something was broken, yeah, so when you're going through a breakup when you feel the desire to get back together with that person, studies show that eight or more than eighty percent of people look at what their exes are doing on social media. , probably through a Finster account or whatever, but you have to know what are some of the healthiest tips that you've given to people and people that you've worked with that have really helped people overcome a decisive moment.

The first thing is to ask yourself again why: Why am I clinging to this individual again? I think sometimes we get so blinded just by experience or our desire to have this person for whatever reason that we overlook what was really missing or why this couldn't have worked out anyway. What I found is and I'm sure there's probably a study on this where if they broke up with you, do you ever see a situation that happens a lot on TV where the person might say, "Okay, I'm going to break up with you." my partner". They're planning it, they've been practicing in their head, right, it took them a couple of weeks to build up the strength, they're about to do it and then the partner breaks up with them, yeah, now it's, oh my God, I have to catch them. back, yes, it's like you forgot all this time that that was your plan, yes, it only gave you the past to do it, but now, since we don't like to be the one to be let go, now we are fighting hard to get it. back yeah so we really shouldn't fall into these little traps that happen to us as human beings our brain just plays tricks on us or something where we confuse these emotions because oh my gosh I really must love them or even like you said what are you going in that detox and how you miss, I always tell people that no matter how bad the relationship is, there are always good times, so if you're trying to break free you can't just let your brain focus on the good times , you must remind yourself why.

This doesn't work, but if you keep focusing on the good, you start thinking. Oh, because I missed this good time, I must miss them and there is a quote that says sometimes you don't miss the person, you lack the feeling. so you have to be able to differentiate those two things, so going back to how we get over these breakups is recognizing why we were really there to begin with, you know, could this really work? Next thing you know I'm a big Believer that many times a breakup is a blessing in disguise, even if there's a chance you two could work together or if this is the one for you, I may have needed this time to re-evaluate and put things in order, something is obvious. wrong, even if it can be something as deep as because I've seen situations where everything was going surprisingly well on the surface and the person broke up with them, let's say the woman lets the man go, so for the man that's really confusing, But what happens is that this woman who had not been healed from her past relationships and that this relationship was so good was scaring her and what happens is that the better you are, the scarier it becomes for her, she is looking for something is wrong and you have to validate it.

I'm afraid of her somehow wow, when she can't find him, she will sabotage the relationship or run away from it. So to that man it may seem like this is so unfair, which yes, it sucks, but this woman didn't break up. With you now you would inevitably face the same end, but at a worse time, yes, okay, this is still better, what is happening now, at least if she can do what she has to do, there is a chance that this will happen again. happen later, but it's hard for us to see it in the moment, so I think we also have to focus on our healing whenever a breakup happens.

The mistake we make is that we think it's about healing from the breakup, no, it's about healing from everything you've been through. You've probably been sleeping under the rug, your childhood trauma for years, maybe the last two, three relationships, whatever it is, and not healing from those things is contributing to your struggle to get over this breakup and contributing to why you chose this. To begin with, I firmly believe that if you haven't healed, you are probably choosing the wrong person. Yes, it is too difficult to choose that person that you really love and who can really love you and accept that level of vulnerability. when you still haven't resolved your past traumas and wounds, yes, then for me that is the next big step: just focus on your healing process because in that process you will also be able to see more clearly if this is really for you or not.

Walking without healing is like walking with broken glasses. You can't see straight no matter how hard you try, but the healing will clear your vision very, very quickly and now it would be like, oh wait a minute, I don't belong there. Yeah, you know, thank God, the breakup happened, you know, I'm in a better place now, I'm moving on, so I think and I would say that other than those things, it's just having an accountability partner, whether it's a friend, whether it's a coach. , a therapist, someone who can. help keep you under control help you remember what you need to do someone you know you need to talk to and update what's happening so you feel good.

I don't want to go back so saying I'm doing the same thing over and over again doesn't guarantee success but it helps move the needle to some extent so I highly recommend that mindset that you talked about change everything and I realized today . I was thinking if we were just able in one moment to recognize that something painful now was going to be good for us in five years, that would change so many things in our lives, yes, but we are too poor to deal with the pain now, yes, even if that means future joy. We just can't accept that you have to go through this at all well, like knowing that someone who broke up with you just saved you 10 years of a wasted life is so much more than knowing that you will have to go through a few months of pain and 10 months of pain such Maybe it's a little more, maybe it's two or three years, but we have to understand that sometimes the best things that happen to you protect your life more than the pain that happens to you. because you need the peace of knowing that I did what I had to do, that's all, yeah, because every time you feel good, maybe I could have done this, but I could have done that, leave the door open to doubt, do it Well, that's exactly how it is and that's how it is. why I believe in you so much, you know there are people who say well once they're done, they're done, they'll just move on and I'm like, no, no, express yourself, get it all off your chest because I don't need something to persist and you wonder. , well, what if I did this differently?

No, make sure you speak the whole text and now you can say okay, I did what I had to do, that's what it is, I'm moving on and I mean it makes it easier. It may not be a hundred percent, you know, it's not a problem at all, but it will be easier and also for me, that's why my relationship with God is so important, because that's where I find my peace in dealing with a situation that It is not like this. get out the way I want I always tell myself it's okay if this isn't working God has something better for me you know if this is happening right now there is a purpose because I know if I followed His guidance throughout this whole process there is no need to I wonder why this is the current result there is a reason for this and I have been through these things enough times to see as you mentioned the reward is going to come it may come next week it may come years from now it will come and I will be able to see how it all connected, yes Stefan, it's been amazing talking to you, this has been such a great flow and back to back conversation.

We purposely end each episode with the last five, which is like a quickie. fire, which means that each question must be answered with one word or one sentence at most. Well, here are the last five. The first question is what is the best relationship advice you have ever received, heard, or given. It is loving with all love and being yourself. because, as I said before, that's how you'll more quickly expose who is for you and who isn't. Second question, what is the worst relationship advice you have ever heard or received? Raise someone to surpass someone. Question number three.

As? Would you define your current purpose in life as serving people and helping heal hearts and helping people experience happier, healthier relationships? Question number four, what is something that you used to think was important in romantic relationships but that you no longer think is important? I don't know if I would say what I thought was so important, but I think I can talk about it now is the woman's financial situation, where I think I once could have given more importance to that when she was much younger. and really because that's what society and family told me was important, but now for me and I can say it because I'm successful, that financial position is not what's important to me, it's love, it's the environment in the home, all these things that I mean, of course, I want her to pursue her purpose and her passion, but what she has financially doesn't move the needle at all.

She did everything right and then Fifth, and thank you for opening up and sharing that Fifth and final question, if you could create. one law that everyone in the world had to follow what would be the one that comes to mind is: you must be honest if we eliminated lying and deceit oh my god, like this world is so much better yeah so you just have to telling him the truth, yes that would be amazing, yes Stefan, it's been amazing talking to you today. I hope you come back to the show many times. The book is already out.

It's called love after heartbreak. I'm sure each and every one of you can relate to having been through heartbreak, this is the book you need to find that love within yourself again to make sure you can love others. Make sure you go and grab a copy of the book. We'll put the link in the show notes so you can go. and order the book. I highly recommend him, be sure to follow Stefan on YouTube, Instagram, tick tock on all social media platforms, tag me on the platforms you use with ideas that caught your attention, words of wisdom. that he said will stay with you and the ones you are bringing into your heart and your life and the ones you are sharing with your friends.

I hope you pass this episode on to someone who needs it if you know. someone who is going through a hard time due to a breakup, if you know someone who is single right now and needs to heal a little more or if you have a friend in your life who is in a relationship but struggling, this is the episode that you should send him, Stefan, thank you. Thank you very much for your time and energy. Thank you so much. It's definitely a pleasure. The pleasure is all mine. Thank you. If you love this episode, you'll love my interview with Dr.

Gabo Mate on how to understand your trauma and how to heal emotional wounds to start moving. from the past