Jimmy O. Yang's Best Dad Stories

I eventually became a good Asian American and went to school to get a degree in economics because it was the easiest degree that can still appease my Asian parents, but after I graduated I didn't want to study economics or finance, so I went. I approached my dad and said: Dad. I don't want to do any of this. I want to try to do stand-up and he said to me: What is stand-up? You mean a talk show. I said: Yes, of course, a talk show. You want to call him okay, but I want to go chase my dreams and he said no, chase your dreams, how do you become homeless, I said, no, what dad, things are different now that we're in America, okay, in America is supposed to do what we love, he was like no, everyone does what they hate for money and uses the money to do what they love, that's old school Chinese masculinity, right, I don't know if you guys know. this, but I come from a performance. family, but it's not really like Angelina Jolie and John Voy.

I guess I'll be Angelina Jolie in that equation. My dad is also an actor, but he started acting after me because he said it's very easy. "You can do it. I can." I'm this good, if you think my life is so easy, why don't you go to some open call auditions and understand how hard the rejection I face every day at my job is. He was fine and he went to all these auditions and started booking everything which is a true story, he got it on this show in China, in mainland China, called little daddy shiaa.

Half a billion people watch that show, it's like China's Big Bang Theory and Richard blew up and he said this is an easy, I don't know, my plane completely backfired and my aunt in Shanghai saw the show and was calling the house in Los Angeles and said: congratulations Richard, you are such a good actor. Did your son teach you how to act? and he's like, no, I'm a natural, oh, that's really cool, you and your son are the same, you know, you two are so funny, he's like no, no, Jimmy, it's not funny, I'm like dad, okay, you have a good role, good for you.

I'm happy for you, but you're not a real actor yet, real actors, we have to cry, we have to laugh, do you even know how to cry in front of a camera? He said: Yeah, I just think about how much you suck at pingpong. my dad is from a different generation, it's like a weird beauty standard, like for us, we just say things on a very superficial level, like oh, this person is attractive, this person is not good, my dad would get into the weeds , my dad will give you all the strange things. details, he will say: oh, she is beautiful, very long arms.

I ask him: what are you recruiting for a linebacker? What are you talking about? I can never get a PO on who thinks is hot or not right once. I'm like dad. oh, she's very pretty and my dad said no, her mouth is too close to her nose, can, bre, can, bre. I see some of you looking at her partner, it's like my nose is too close and that's exactly what an Asian dad does. You know, make your s-c aware that you didn't know. I was very nervous about introducing my girlfriend to my dad because she is absolutely beautiful, but who knows if one wingspan is enough for her life.

He was so, so nervous, man the first time. I took my girlfriend to my dad's house and, to her credit, I want to give her credit. He didn't actually say anything crazy because, for some reason, when an old Chinese man sees white people, he just starts acting like his posture changes and he stands up. right, and for some reason he came up with a British accent like if my girlfriend and I walked into the house. He didn't say anything crazy, he just looked at us and said, "Oh, young, prosperous couple," and my girlfriend was so confused, it's like why?

Does your dad sound like Helen Mirin? I grew up in a very stereotypical way. He didn't play basketball or football. I grew up playing pingpong competitively, which was a serious national sport back home. You know, I didn't go to any fun summer cam spaces. cam my dad said he sent me to a pingpong training camp in guago China I almost died there were 100 kids competing for a spot on the national team it was basically fortnite with ping pong paddles we took it seriously even though my dad took me to all the I practice every game in the tournament and he always tries to give me a pep talk before every game, but you know, Asian parents are too honest, so every pep talk turns into an insult, like he reaches out to me. me and out like J J, you're going to play well, okay? even though you're slow even though you're weak and you suck and then he'd just walk away I was really good at math, that's a big Asian stereotype.

I think there's some truth to that, not because of some weird genetic thing, just because the parent app has a lot more about math and academics, right? You saw that, you saw those like the Kuman Learning Centers in those centers. commercials, right? The Kuman Learning Centers for you who don't know are basically detention camps for little Asian children. I can tell that place is kinda cool by the look of their logo because it's supposed to be a smiling face but it's not really a smile, it's like my parents were too stingy by sending me to Kumon, they had a different strategy that They never left.

I use a calculator until I turned 15 so I can work on my brain function, that's an old school Chinese strategy, you know, when I turned 15 it was a very special occasion, it was basically my kinera, my dad just told me give away a TI 83 plus and he looked me in the eyes and said as if you were a woman now, that's fine, but when you are a child, when your parents tell you that you can't do something, what do you do? You rebel, so when I was 14 I stole. my brother's calculator I stole Roy Rogers' calculator and I locked myself in my room and I started to rebel I started doing math homework other kids were around with alcohol and drugs I had some problems you know locking myself in a room I was just hitting a number, I I was like, oh man, this feels great, you know, it's so wrong, it's unbelievable, my dad was angry, he was knocking on the other side of the door, he doesn't like locked doors in the house and he was screaming, it was Like Jimmy Jimmy, what?

You are inside? Get out right now. I know you're there using a calculator. Get out now. He was so scared that he didn't know what to do and he opened the door and walked in. I went into full panic mode. I just threw away the calculator and dropped my pants. He was like dad. I was masturbating and he came in and looked at me and they looked at the math homework and he said, well, very good, very good, very good, you should. I really have a mask, that's good, that's good, keep it up because there's nothing that makes your Asian dad more proud than watching his son masturbate to his math homework.

Look I'm like the first generation but my parents are like the negative n generation because they're so fucking Chinese it's so hard for me to watch TV with my dad because he's trying to make me explain everything to him and first of all all Asians don't They watch television, they judge television. This is like I'm sitting next to my dad on the couch and he's wearing his old Asian guy costume, which is just wife beater and neat, while he's just sitting with his arms crossed judging the TV like he's just doing random noises around the house now every time he sneezes it's never just a sneeze it's like a whole tsunami of sound waves that comes after it's like hey oh I'm like what dad just had an orgasm what was that and he doesn't understand what I'm saying half the time he says oh, the orgasm, okay, the orgasm, the orgasm and tries to make me explain everything to him on TV.

Do you understand how difficult it is to explain a rap music video to an elderly Chinese man? We're sitting there and my dad said, oh Jimmy Jimmy, what do I mean when he says Lamborghini Merci, what and I, dad, brags about his car, it's a Lamborghini Merci Lago, a very expensive car, you know, that's true , it was like oh, okay, okay, yeah, that's it. when you know they have no idea what you just said okay yeah he has a Lamborghini okay Jim what does he mean when he says your girl is so thirsty or how and I said he's making fun from someone's girlfriend? okay, he says he likes attention from other guys and he likes to do sexual things with them, you know, like hitting and stuff like that, and he likes oh, okay, okay, yeah, yeah, okay, Jimmy J, I'm thirsty too, okay, so I was like, oh God. no, I didn't miss L translation is disgusting I love my dad man I love my dad D he's a great dad, he's a fun guy, you know, and we created a lot of father-son bonds growing up, like, for example, I'm a big basketball fan.

I love watching the NBA, yeah, yeah, I actually grew up a Los Angeles Clippers fan, yeah, because my dad was cheap, okay, because my dad, because the Lakers and the Clippers play in the same stadium with the Clippers, The tickets were half price, so my dad never pays. full price ever, that was not even the most embarrassing part, the most embarrassing part was when we left the stadium, when we left the Staple Center, there will be hot dog vendors, right, Latino Brothers selling hot dogs with bacon and WRA for $ 5. I love those things and my dad would go up and haggle with them and he would go ahead and say, "Okay, I'll give you $5 for two hot dogs." I say dad, it's not buy one get one free from Costco, just give them 10 bucks, he said "never." pay full price okay I'll give you $8 for two hot dogs final offer and the guy didn't care he liked no it's $10 and then my dad is a strategy he just advertises in front of everyone he makes sure that everyone hears it.

He says he is fine. we walk away I'm like dad I don't care I don't think he cares if you leave don't leave I'm hungry he's like Jimmy it's better to be hungry than pay full price and then my mom comes after us with four hot dogs and she He said: Guess how many thanks guys?