Kate Quigley: Magic - Full Comedy Special

I mean, I didn't hit him, but he'd have all his evil I'll tell you right now he's talking about a Savage move I thought he was a Savage in a guy's bed that's next level I wish I'd thought of that that night he'd have his whole

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room angry with Everyone remembers that I had a bad temper, said it wasn't going to work and kicked me out of the ass. I got dropped off by some 44 year old Gandalf guys and I was so embarrassed and depressed I went to a bar down the street and I'm sitting in this bar and you know what happened a woman came up to me she came up to me this is what she said She said hey, are you okay?

You look sad maybe you should come home with me and I was looking at her I'm like she's not really gay but she looks like she'll answer me that's all I really need. You know, I started thinking, well, maybe if I go home with her, what's the worst that could happen? Maybe I'll love it. Maybe I like women. Now I get along very well with women. I really wanted to go, but the problem is that I am a high achiever. I thought I have to do everything, you guys have to do everything, you listen to me all the time, okay, don't be lazy, okay, you have to humiliate your wife or yourself.

Go to hell it's in the Bible Deuteronomy is there look it up it's true that guy DJ Khaled is going to hell man that guy that guy DJ Khaled where's the camera you? I hate that guy who says I don't give my wife oral sex because I really don't like it, they think their balls taste like Hostess CupCakes, guys, we're all doing God's work here, okay, no women sitting around waiting for them to come back home because you love how it tastes down there, no, even though we love them. Do it the best you can, my thing is that I don't mind doing it to a woman, but I don't know how complicated it seems.

I will tell you that her instrument is a little simpler, it's like a trumpet, ours is like a fitted sheet. Think about mine. I don't know everyone. I can't even bend one of those in my hands, so I don't think I'm prepared. I don't want a bad review, you know, sensitive, it's interesting because it's not even. It's really a joke, it's more of a simple observation. I am a comic. I'm a woman and I know I look like a woman, but believe me when I'm backstage at a

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club like The Comedy Store and it's like 14 guys and me.

They forget to hide what they really are. They start talking loudly and I hear things. God, I have inside information and this is what I have learned. Guys really think their penis is what drives us crazy. In fact, they think they know us so well. We go crazy. I've heard it said many times. This is what I heard man again. Damn, what's up with these girls? I took this girl out three times. She was fine until I held her down. Now her calendar is wide open, but all she has time to do is text me. all day blowing up my phone I don't know man I gotta stop knocking them down so good I think I dignify them I don't know no guys it's not your dick we love that you're good at sex that's your job okay For you, it's not your cock, I'm going to tell you the truth, okay, I'm going to save a life, look, tell your children, tell your friends, it's not the cock, it's the back cock, here's the problem, guys, guys, they're afraid of us, they're very afraid of us. , they know this because they have seen us all become a little psychopaths.

The problem is that sometimes they are nicer to us than they really feel because they simply don't want to be yelled at like they are. The other thing I hear that you don't know is that when a guy comes over, his balls somehow turn into crystal balls and they see the future very clearly. The minute he comes he knows he wants to marry you or just kick you out but they won't kick you out because they don't want to be a jerk and here's the thing guys if you know that moment you don't love us you better not keep us around for the night and they hug us, it's better that I won't find them because it's the hugs that drive us guys crazy, it's the intimacy.

You can't hug a girl you don't love. Listen to me, don't do it if you hug her all night and day. next she blows up your phone and you don't answer and she blows up your car which is yours foreigner oh we don't want to do it but we feel things when you hug us that you don't feel and it's not your fault that you don't feel it because in sleep it's true because when a boy comes Your cock and your brain explodes like in a moment they're gone, you better stroke this cock in the ass, that's it and they're unconscious, the problem is, guys, women, we don't sleep, no, we can stay. awake for months, how do they think we caught them doing all the creepy things they do?

We can't fall asleep, man, that's when we have to trick them at first. We don't want to drool, we don't want to fart, most of us. I won't be at your house for six months to a year. I was in a relationship where I walked to McDonald's for a year and that guy loved me. It was like every time Kate spends the night she comes over and she brings us warm bread. Sorry, guys. Dude, I like them at the Shell stations, that's what I do, so we stay there all night guys, we stay there, you know what we're doing while we're laying down, something you never want a woman to do, we're thinking. and we're thinking a lot about how you never want a woman to have too much time to think about you since we started thinking about all kinds of things like that first night we were like oh my god I'm still here, I bet I'm not.

Don't hug hoes. I should paint this room purple like you guys went to bed. We have a man. I thought kids knew these things. I really thought, but you don't know. It's crazy. Like I was in Texas. There's a kid opening for For me he was great, he was a young kid, he's like 22 or 23 years old. After the show, she comes up to me the first night and says Kate, what you said on stage about quitting, you're kidding, aren't you real? I said no, it's real. He says, "My God, everything makes sense abroad now." Dating this girl for three months and every time she spends the night she leaves in the morning and comes back with Starbucks.

He says: Do you think she is she? I tell him, yes, if she comes back, she is him. It's going well I really like it when I tell her that she can in my house you never tell her that she's not a werecat let her shoot whatever she wants but now I really regret not having told her to tell her because I just want to see that conversation as if she couldn't wait now, that's just what I want for my next relationship goal. I just want a guy to sit down and invite me to his house.

I really like Kate, it would really mean a lot to me. I realized that you know I'm here and you're leaving. I think I'll be like I will be with you right now. My therapist said: take a break from dick. I really am. I'm doing a cock detox. A penis talks, so to speak. My therapist said. You know, learn to love yourself more, which I'm doing through therapy, but I'm also doing it through my vibrator and I'll tell you what. I've never been happier, um, the

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wand, if you don't know, you have to get one you don't have to get it in the store because I went to the Hustler store in Los Angeles and when I walked in there was an 18 year old kid working, he had gadgets orthopedics and it was the first time I bought. a vibrator, believe it or not, I had to ask this kid what you recommend, pens, what you plan to use the vibrator for.

I was like, I don't know, son, I'm going to make mashed potatoes with it, I think what to do. Do you think he was too embarrassed? I couldn't buy it for this kid so I thought I'd just use my toothbrush or something and I got out of there anyway so I went on Amazon and bought five vibrators from different brands. I bought them all I tried them all I'm telling you right now, friend, the magic wand. I don't work for them, but you should have it. It is made by Hitachi. If you don't know Hitachi, they make excavators and forklifts. electric drills and a vibrator it has 1.2 horsepower it's like a Ford Focus like you can't even put batteries in it easy to plug into a three prong outlet needs a ground wire to do the job and I got tired of standing next to it the wall because I only have a three prong one so now I had to go to Home Depot to get one of those orange extension cords running through my house it's very embarrassing but I don't care what guys come in I'm just saying no follow the cable.

Don't worry about the lights flashing when you use this thing, it's loud, that's the only problem as I have to time when the weed weeder is outside my window or my neighbors leave notes and say like Kate, couldn't you come by vacuum? at 4 a.m., but what's crazy is that I've been thinking about this because I started researching this stuff. It's quite surprising. Turns out it's been about 60 years. 6-0. How strange it is to think that Hitachi is a power tool company, that means. a guy on the conveyor belt back in the day, Hitachi said, hey buddy, we're making these excavator engines, let's do something for the ladies, how did this happen?

So what are they like? Jan, this is, hey, Jan, we have something for you to try on. your lunch break Chan is fine he leaves he never comes back she's still in the bathroom she died with the Hitachi this guy is the best thing that ever lived man I want to know why all the power tool companies don't make these Black and Decker DeWalts, right? you imagine? go to Home Depot with your guys like I'm here with sandblasting, like I'm here with sandblasting like, come on, but he's not as good as a real guy, don't worry guys, sometimes guys get a Kind of tense when I start talking about this like we're not going to replace them.

They know that you guys do things that vibrators can't do, like give us money. However, I found a trick that makes sex with a vibrator like real sex. You guys could try it, what you can do is take the vibrator and use it until you're about to cum and then just take it out and leave it on the floor. Splash some warm water on your stomach and take a dirty towel out of your hamper. Crunchy, wipe the middle and say it was a good time, you guys had a lot of fun, you really did, you guys are tough enough man, and I like that, I really mean your heart is eating an audience of

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like it's all jokes, you know, one time I was here and I was talking about how I like all kinds of guys, you know, I like any kind of guy, I don't really care, but I was saying no, I mean the laid-back guys don't.

I'll follow along, I just want to say I don't have a type, you know, it's like I'm dating an Asian guy, everyone on my Instagram is like, uh, yellow fever. I date a black guy and then everyone thinks I just like him. like hot guys who are cool, but it's funny because now I feel like as a comedian you almost have to date a person of every nationality, race, gender, Creed or something, you can't cancel it, so if you tell a joke that I might be a little racist Mexican, you can say no, that whole table of Mexicans and the middle Asian and the poor, so that's what I'm trying to do.

I was in Cleveland a few weeks ago and I said I wasn't even thinking. I didn't mean to offend anyone, but on stage I said, you know honestly, I think I'm getting pretty close. I think the only thing I really have left is that I need one person and then after the show this lady shows up. to me she's like you know she I loved your performance you're hilarious but I was so offended you said I need a person. I really hate that word and I was like, I'm sorry, you know what you're actually right, I should have said.

I need to make love to a person but then I like it this is my thing I'm open to saying nothing don't do anything if someone likes it I'm open to hearing both sides of anything but me I just asked him. I told. I'm just curious why that word is offensive to you because like it used to be mentally it was the right term for people and you know retardant means slow and you know I just want to know why and her. He says I'll tell you why the word offends me because my brother is a midget um I wasn't even going to make that joke but you guys are so good you're so good I'm going to think I can get away with the joke but anyway, that's first thing. nothing, you guys were amazing and this is like I'm really saying this from the bottom of my heart, this isn't going to be on I think maybe it is, but uh, really grateful to be up here, man, I almost died, this isn't It's a joke, we almost died six months ago, seriously, and when you almost die, it really changes your perspective for some and I'm so grateful for every time I get to upload. here and do this and I'm so grateful that you guys are here, it's a

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night for me because I wasn't sure if I was going to do this anymore, if it would be funny again, don't take your life for granted and don't do it.

Don't waste time with nonsense, make the most of this time you have. I feel very lucky, so I'm going to make another joke, but I just want to say that to you guys and thanks for going overseas anyway, so let's get back to Hitachi, but. In fact, the Hitachi thing, this is really cool. I'll tell you one thing about Hitachi that's amazing, so I was in Canada. I forgot my chargerbecause he died. She was very sad. It's a very specific charger, it's like a Tesla, so I did it. I don't know what to do and they saw Toys R Us in Canada.

Did you know I went in there? I bought a Tickle Me Elmo. Turns out it also works pretty well if you sit on it long enough that foreigners don't use it. Your kids, that's kind of gross, but anyway, Hitachi, I tweeted something about it and they messaged me. That's like good news Kate, guess what? You actually don't need the one with the cable anymore. Now we make a

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y rechargeable one. You can put batteries in it, you can change the battery and they sent me that one so I was really excited, it's waterproof so you can take it to the water park, it goes down the side you know, but I like the one with the cord because it like.

I choke, but whatever they like anyway, that's it for me. I have to go. You are incredible. Thank you guys so much for coming out. I love them. Thank you. Thank you. Bye bye. It's weird because they know I almost died, so almost. dying really makes you go hmm its all i'm doing important and now everything i'm doing has to seem worth it or i just don't want to do it sorry there's a network like paying taxes don't do that again just kidding , hit the government. Yeah, I hesitate to say this all the time because three people died and obviously I wish it were different, but in general, I mean, I really didn't know if I was going to live or die for a day and that's so liberating, it's almost liberating in in a way because when you live it you don't really care about trivial things like I was really stressed out about getting well and I started thinking who cares, honestly, who cares at all.

I know I always do. I take it in depth, let's do it.