Stefanie Stahl #8 | Wie behaupte ich mich gegenüber anderen? | So bin ich eben Podcast

audio hello and welcome to That's me, the psychology

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for all the normally disturbed people with Stefanie Stahl and Lukas Kaczynski and you can always email us at That's me at Random House punkt.de and that's where we are this week Mara I wrote about the topic of how I can assert myself to others, which is a topic I find myself in a little bit, so it has a very specific one, but I'll talk about that later, I'll just ask. He often takes my help. advantage of, so what do I do about it? I respond by simply saying no, it's yes, so if I listen to the question or let it affect me like that, it's a bit of a double bottom. taken advantage of, so now, she's happy to help now either that or not.

More is true and I think she just has a problem with the amount of people who are very happy and helpful a lot, that maybe she is always trying very hard to get approval and recognition and therefore says yes more often even though she really wants to. Say no and then you're sorry. Therefore, it would be very important for her to learn to take better responsibility for her own needs, so that she truly feels for herself and also gives herself permission. feel, what I really feel, what my needs are and then see where I can. I really like to say yes with a good feeling, and if not it's because I really don't have time that day or because I'm too stressed. in my mind and that's why I can't get a friend to help me with the move or That's why now it's too much for me to bake a cake for kindergarten or anything else you can assume because of the feeling that I can't repeat , I can't disappoint, I have to do a lot to make people like me And so on, as with everything, it is very useful to dive into yourself and ask yourself what internal attitudes I have, what beliefs there are, perhaps the internal conviction in me that I have I have to be good to the band, I can't let you down, I have to make myself happy, I'm totally responsible for you doing well and so on.

What you said at the beginning is very interesting, which is why I am very useful and that is constantly exploited, which means that there may be a little bit of that also in the conviction that an exchange transaction of this useful, so I am useful and that It's because I get something else, you're not really in danger of being exploited, so it's a disappointment, I gave you something and here I give you something and there and what's really there for me, exactly what's there for me, what comes back and I feel exploited and then of course she takes on the role of victim, she is actually the victim and the others are the perpetrators and if that is quite consistent with me, if you think it through to the end, then you are also angry with others.

That also creates annoyance when I am angry. He always takes advantage of me and if she continues like this, she may become more and more allergic to the topic and, in fact, consider it unreasonable. does a small favor, if that's the danger, that's really the big danger, if you always feel like you're in your inferior role, that you and her do that somewhere else, she wouldn't want to sacrifice herself so quickly, so talk, or maybe about that. It helps a lot that she feels a little inferior and then others quickly transform into superiority in her own eyes and then it can happen that some things are taken in the wrong way.

For me personally, Binz was still very. helpful But at some point I got into a mode like that and I was always right right away, I can support you because I would say I've already done a lot of things and I can really help and then I was too quick that year. Can? help you in some way or get in touch or this and that I really do to check or recharge because I feel like time is the most valuable resource we have on the planet for years. Sometimes we don't give it much importance, but... That's it and I really want to think about it, I really want to help this person who is in front of me to be in contact and in relationship with the people that I am while I offer my help in relationship with people or I say it just because I think that I have to do it and get out of it, make more and more of the moment and not be so quick, yeah, okay, I can help you, that took me a while, so that's exactly what you are, we.

They are also more on the bonding side, that is, and it is important to be in good harmony with other people. It is important for us to resonate very well with each other and be like all the people who are in education. On the other hand, it is always a bit like this, there is also a small demarcation problem, so it is already readable and I feel good. I also like to pay a lot into the relationship fund, which is always a good balance, so I know quite a few people who think they actually become too nice. they are natural in some way and then at some point they say up and then they retreat too hard in the selfish direction of leaning and constantly limiting themselves to the limits and a little bit of things like you tell me so beautifully, yes, it's true, There are both, Let's go over the practice again, so now you can do it in concrete terms, so first of all you have to become aware of your motives again, so help in general is a wonderful quality, but the fact that I feel like this again.

Inside me, I do it too much simply out of fear of being rejected. And if that's the case and I often feel exploited by it, that's actually quite fair. What I'm doing wouldn't be fair. I can weigh the value of justice against the value of fair help because I realize that I am actually getting cranky and starting to resent others as well. Wouldn't it be much fairer to say honest year when I mean honest year? year and honestly say no when I honestly also want to say no, then Others also know much better where they stand with me and what is often difficult for people who are conflict averse and it will be them with this question who often forget that you can I say everything in a very friendly way, yes, so I build it simply, for example, she will do it.

My friend asks me, can you help me move this weekend? and when she says I'm so sorry, I'm always so sorry. in my mind and I also promised my kids that I would go on a trip with them for the weekend. This time I can do it. Just not and the network is well founded and friendly, so almost all the people who train it a little more, practice. a little bit, experiencing that others don't blame her at all, that it's completely fine and I even go a step further if the friend now resents her for this and she was always helpful and the friend now resents her for this, then you may also ask yourself: does the friend have any right to resent this?

What kind of friendship is being processed? That is the benefit of this relationship. I can't wait for a little understanding. and the more authentic you are with your things, in my experience the more other people value you, so rejection can sometimes have a positive effect. If you have someone who always says yes, we have someone like that in the work context. for example, if you have a question for them, if you have something to do, you can always ask, they always say yes and it's not particularly dramatic. It sounds like someone occasionally says no, not me.

I don't have time for that now or have time for that, so when someone knows their limits, it's very, very nice to be in contact with them I notice it too, because I love it. Also because I know where I stand. you were with these people, they were happy to help, so it's very precise and there are people who are very conflict-averse with whom you know it's your turn and then it can happen that it's a completely terrible decision, very unfair things happen, very unfair things It happens because they simply see you through their glasses yes, maybe you are Lukas the superior and maybe you are Lukas the successful and and the user and the user exactly so I had another situation that had me like this Horrified with my lifelong hairdresser, I Le I asked if I could do my hair on Mondays as an exception.

She would pay him like a prince and she said no quite harshly and I think that's what she already did a year ago. I saw that they intimidated me into working. what she was saying. Yeah, you texted me and said, wait a minute, I'm wearing latex, now let's check again. It was true and that was distorted the entire time. Wait, I was able to show you your hand. from the state team saying sorry has to be okay for now, which again bothers those around me, but I know it well, even in my own body, when people are terribly unfair because they look at themselves in the completely wrong way .

The glasses pick up on it and then release it into situations where it doesn't really belong because it's so repressed, okay Mara, so thank you very much for your trust and maybe you can use some things for yourself on the walls and if it doesn't. It doesn't work the first time. It also takes several tries, so most things don't work the first time. Now I understand it and it works immediately, but change is always a form that simply requires work and always going back to what was before. situation to remember what I want, I actually want more clarity in life and then pursue it rigorously.

By the way, we have a second question from Isabel and she writes that they had a pretty short sentence for us. A colleague constantly puts me down. How can I combat it better? Well, the first step. Is that actually what we changed a little bit when I told this story with the hairdresser? I really look at it, I see it through my shadow child eyes, so I see it through the? patterns of my old personality or makes me small in an objectifiable way, that also means in itself. Bringing up situations and asking questions, was it really like that or maybe I have a hearing problem and incidental things that she quickly identified. like something directed at me that maybe isn't directed at me at all, so we try to look at it objectively again if possible to see if there is something.

Maybe it has its own part and I think it's very important to break it down because I know it varies from day to day. Sometimes you take things that people say much more personally and other days when I feel light and free the same things are totally irrelevant or we come up with a completely different drawer, I mean it's often our own perception that we come up with. naturally we refer exactly to the world and in the second step, if you come to the conclusion after the first step, no, that can be objectified, so the next question: If you really only do that with me or did it with many other people, then she just likes it and maybe doesn't even realize it.

So above all, you can clearly avoid this personal insult by saying "Oh man, that's just part of your behavior," even if you do. just do it with me alone, so first of all don't think or feel, I'm fine, I'm small, I'm not fine, but to say that this colleague behaves in a way that is not fine, so again the responsibility is to give back to the buddy, I'm not bad because she makes me small, but she misbehaves first, so in these first two steps there is a storm on your own attitude and your own inner attitude to change you again.

You can even go a step further and think about why she's so into this, maybe she's really frustrated right now or maybe she comes from a shitty childhood, which he always does, so you can understand a little bit why. what are you. You can do that too if you want and then let's move on to the external behavior level after you've worked on your perception a little bit. There are several options. The option I would prefer in the first step is to talk openly with yourself. colleagues about it Well, very openly to seek or create the situation that you say I want to talk to you and important to meet 26 Germans at such a personal and private table yes exactly like that and you tell me I always notice that you make comments to I value or try to do things small in some way and I think the injured person I don't think is good for the working relationship, but it would be important to me if you didn't do that in the future by then there are several options, so maybe your colleagues will say that everything is fine for me, I'm sorry, I didn't even realize you said okay, you got it, very kind.reactions or you can say yes, okay, I'm sorry, I won't do it anymore, you can also say she takes a step back and says it's not that sensitive, I don't say it that way and then the person concerned in this world can.

Then you'll see exactly what I mean. I will gather courage and tell you, please be a little friendlier to me and you will again be sensitive to me. But in reality it takes a lot. Isabel has the courage to say that and move forward. I think a lot of people have the real issue of approaching a colleague openly and directly and saying "you", and in doing so you also make your boundaries clear and often people are ignored or bullied if you want. It can be a form of bullying if someone is constantly mean. Sometimes you don't set your boundaries 100 percent, you can create a dynamic that develops and that's why I think this step could be quite difficult for her.

How can she gain courage? To do it? Yes, so make sure you know beforehand. I've given you a response strategy and not just a big fan of response strategies, so you cantrain response strategies. There are also books on acuity or. something like that and if you look at a good clever book, Matthias Nöllke has something like this, for example one written, then you can see that you work with strategies and response strategies are good for that, that's why you can use instant responses. them over and over again and I'll just give you something like that back.

I will tell you openly what I think and you will again become sensitive to me. That would be a response strategy and if you already have that in mind, then you will be better off. prepared, so it doesn't take as much courage because you don't have to be so clever. I think that's a problem too, that wit doesn't work against you at all. People feel prepared, exactly, and that's it. because people who, as you say, do not know their limits so well and cannot be as good to themselves and that is why they often feel in such an inferior role that they learn to be a little more on equal terms through of certain response strategies a little more to feel so helpless, so there are, for example, certain standard responses that you can use over and over again, like exactly the right person says or someone accuses you of something, let's say you're very bad In mental arithmetic, yes, when people say that you are bad at cooking, I can also say that it is a little muddy or if someone throws something at your head that you say so calmly, you can also say it the other way around, that you are good, that You say something like that or you respond with a strategy are also certain standard responses.

If I want to hear your opinion, I will tell you a dispute and that you really sit down and, in certain situations, just come up with a some standard answers on the back yes, he really lies and I believe. Sometimes it's more like having that feeling, a bit like I can defend myself but I'm not using it and with this feeling I'm not that close to myself at the moment, so what happens in the situation where you think you have to be clever? It actually creates a scary situation, which means a sort of flight impulse and my brain is actually more worried about flying than actually having a conversation here. and there and that is why it does not seem more important to me than the guests, I say assimilated because the people who quickly get into this defensive situation, who do not lead quickly, who quickly feel inferior, also think a lot in these categories, they are superior, they are defeated , they lose, they win and their horror is usually losing in some way or being in an inferior position and that is why I always advise them to stop thinking in these categories at all, just think, we are all human. beings, I am on equal terms with you, I am not superior to you or a company, but really more on equal terms and I want to be with you in the matter I want. get along with you as a colleague in some way, so that you don't always have to be in a match situation like that.

Winning loses takes away and what is also very important for people who have these wit problems, introverts. They also have this more often because the introns often first have to go inside themselves and think and then they come out again and then the situation is over. The extras are usually a little faster because the extroverts here are, in other words, thinkers, which means they can also think at the same time while talking, but the people who are definitely not as witty and therefore often find themselves In situations like this where If you don't respond immediately, you would have lost your response if now Isabel, for example, she receives this response from her colleague, don't be so sensitive yet, don't act like that and get out of this feeling again, talk with the bad feeling because you have returned.

You can't think of anything and you say. when I say at home and see that the youth team was so rude again, she can definitely go to the office next dance and say what to say. I talked to you yesterday, I let that get to me again and somehow I thought it was more. Same analogy again, so again you're accusing me, making me seem a little small somewhere, I'm being too sensitive, let it go, please, let's try to get along here at work, yeah. And what I thought was really nice was the line outside the match level.

I think that in general it is a very good attitude towards life, so if we look at the core of people, no one really likes to argue, no one feels like treating others badly. Coming back to that, we actually all want pretty similar things out of life and if that's the attitude with which we go through life, that's very positive and I think that changes our view of the world and ours. Looking at the relationship exactly and while we are Looking at the world, we receive a very interesting message from Lars and he writes: My fear of rejection makes it impossible for me to apply for a new job, what can I do?

Yes, the person in the writing of this makes it impossible. to me, he's already setting boundaries and touching, so this wording alone kind of lowers that barrier internally and I could phrase it differently, for example, I can apply even if I'm scared, yes. You can also apply somewhere if you are afraid and of course it is very important that you stop identifying yourself so excessively with this fear, which means that you allow this fear very strongly and firmly believe that you would not survive rejection. So, of course, it has nothing to do with the current situation and the application but it has to have something to do with the past, it must have something to do with his childhood that he, as he always says, has a shadow child in him, so this inner child has something to do with it.

Because he is from the past but he has a little shadow child in him who has experienced a lot of rejection so he can meet this shadow child and get in touch with him and see what he was like for me before, a secret and then talk, comfort him, well say, poor kid, he really has experienced a lot of rejection and that's why it's very, very bad that you get rejected, but first of all, it's normal at work that not all applications are accepted immediately and the alternative is if you don't apply at all and then we feel like this, I feel a very big glass in the friend, you, little one, we are not even worse, so I will first be responsible, the great adult Lars, and here the request letters and So, in Sony comforts the internal relationship with this fear of rejection, which is very important to me.

I think about what you said at the beginning: Language creates reality. Well, to see very clearly how I formulate my reality and there is so much reality in it. phrase that I made up the other day I was on the subway. He had a mother with her son. I heard someone say that he fiddled with something, she broke the zipper on a bag, then he said she's pretty, girl, you always. Destroy everything I thought to myself how much reality is in this sentence or how much reality is created by this sentence and I can see that very strongly.

With Lars he creates a breakout situation for his own fear the moment he says what my fear does. It is impossible for me to apply for a new job at that time, he no longer has to apply for a job and his fear has to be the reason behind this. It's not something that needs to be faced and I think that's very important to me. We recognize that most of the time we avoid fear in our lives. No, we don't go into the tightest area, we just go around it and that's exactly what we do with additives.

That's why people have that experience when they face their problems. fears and I don't avoid them. That's not so bad, but avoidance. If I avoid fears, then I avoid the situation instead of fear, I create the illusion in my brain that it is really complete. The bad thing is that with each avoidance, the supposed drama of the situation grows and it often helps to ask what can really happen in the worst case scenario. Worst case scenario, my application will be rejected, but that's my application, that's me being rejected for it, that's how it is. It's not my person and then just have the experience even if it's rejected.

I can survive, yes, and he also identifies incredibly with rejection, so I think it's very important for him to deal with this whole rejection thing on a deeper level and I think even if you're so afraid of the requests that are going to be rejected, that would actually be a reason to seek additional professional help. Much courage and success on your path. Thank you very much for your message and if you have one. If you have a question, feel free to send it to us, that's how I am at Random House Point. More information about beliefs and how you can work with them and how you can dissolve them can be found in the child's meaning finder course. to find a home and now there is also a magazine on the market yes for Brigitte L

eben

this is a coaching magazine for me with a colorful variety of topics and psychological topics and yes I think it has been quite successful, on the one hand the depth and the edits are one-sided, but I also read that there is a nice lightness to it, so I think for me it's always the general mix in which topics are addressed and then there are also pages that are a little bit lighter and that are what a healthy mix , thank you.

See you next time. Audio.