I'm Not Done Yet. Brad Upton - Full Special

a vasectomy on a Friday to come home and sit all weekend in the La-Z-Boy with the remote in your hand and an ice pack in your lap. But surely, when you look at it, it's like any other. the other weekend. (Audience laughs) Having children has been a blessing. And I always tell this to people. If you're ever thinking about having kids and you're really not sure, do you know what you want to take a trip to? Disneyland. (audience laughs) You're going to get a vasectomy (audience laughs). Did you know? You'll also do it right there at Magic Kingdom (audience laughs).

You'll knock Mickey down and get to the food. court so you can grab a plastic knife. Like, oh please make it stop. (Audience laughing) I don't know if you saw my last show too. I did a little bit about all the pillows on the bed and how they propel the boys. Do you remember that one too? It was very popular. (audience applauding) I was at Bed, Bath, & Beyond recently. Across the hall, I overheard a couple having this exact argument and the guy was being really mean to his wife. She took it too far and was just yelling at him.

He says, "I don't know why we're "spending all this money" on these unnecessary decorations. "You know we don't have the money" for these unnecessary decorations. "The backsplash, the valance, "the curtains." , this "is a waste of money." I said, okay, that's enough. Anyway, a few minutes later, I'm in the parking lot, getting ready to leave, and they walk out together. They approach their giant truck that's raised this high off the ground with huge, knobby tires, a chrome roll bar and a chrome running board, and all the custom equipment you can put on a truck. And I lower the window.

Hey man, I like your truck. He says, "Thank you, brother." Come on, looks like you have that thing covered in unnecessary decorations (audience laughing). I made eye contact with her and I know she would. They've married me (audience laughs) I've never seen so much love in a woman's eyes (audience laughs) I have a question about big truckers, and I don't know if we have big truckers here tonight. But the two most macho things in our society, the AR-15 and the big giant truck, are the most customizable, right? Yes. And let's not fool ourselves, that's decorating. These are men who like to accessorize and decorate in ways that attract and attract other men. (Audience laughs) There's no other way to interpret that, folks. (Audience laughs) The more they personalize, the more their secret is revealed. (Audience laughs) Take down that rebel flag, climb the rainbow, be who you are. (audience laughs) Right after the show, I'll be in the parking lot getting hit by a couple of big trucks, so. (Audience laughs) If you want to go out and see that, go out. (Audience laughs) A few weeks ago I went to the liquor store, I had a bottle of whiskey in my hand and my wife asked me, "how much did it cost?" I told him: $52.

She said, "$52 for a bottle of whiskey? Why is it so expensive? "You can get something cheaper than that." Do you know what I did? Go straight into the bathroom. I went into her makeup drawer. I grabbed a bottle that big. (Audience laughs) Some of you ladies know where I'm going with this, right? Estee Lauder Advanced Night Repair Eye Recovery Complex Want to guess how much that two-ounce bottle might cost? ? $75. That costs more than insulin. (Audience laughs) I'll tell you what, if my house ever burns down and I have a chance to save something, I'll grab that makeup drawer. $15,000 worth of stuff in that drawer. (Audience laughs) I said, well, what do you use this for?

She said, "you put it on your eyes" at night and in the morning, "they're not as swollen?" ". I went, it seems to go really well with whiskey. (Audience laughs) Maybe I'll have to try it. (Audience laughs) I said, really? What do you use all this makeup for? She said, "It makes me look 'young and beautiful.'" I said, and so does a whiskey. (Audience laughing) (Audience applauding) I just toasted the audience at a place called Dry Bar. (Audience laughing) I realized of that so soon while I was doing it (audience laughs) I did this last fall, right before Thanksgiving Never, ever, ever do this I was driving through the parking lot, 4 miles an hour.

I'm just. looking for a place to park, sneaking up and texting my wife, I said, hey, I'm at Costco, do we need anything? And at that moment, this lady turns right in front of me. She almost cuts my car, I go, stupid... (audience laughing) Do you see where this is going? (audience laughing) Send (audience laughing) My message said, hey, I'm at Costco, do we need anything? Are you stupid... (audience laughing) My phone rang. immediately (audience laughing) I said, well, that's weird. She never responds to my text (audience laughing). She says, "Are you at Costco?" Yeah. She says, "buy a pumpkin. "Put it in your--" wait, what?

What? What? Oh, no. (audience laughing) Before COVID, I also worked on cruise ships from time to time. No I don't know if you've ever been on a cruise. Whether you have or not, they all start... every cruise starts with the lifeboat drill. And you know what my favorite part of any lifeboat drill is little whistle. says better instant rescue (hisses) (audience laughing) That'll bring in the Coast Guard, isn't it? They're floating in the ocean, they're 2,000 feet up in a noisy place. Shh, shh, shh (hisses)" Oh, there they are. "Just there." (Audience laughs) You know, orcas also communicate with a whistle. (Audience laughs) Do you know what that whistle means in the language of the orcas?

Smorgasbord around here. (Audience laughs) I don't know if you've ever been on a cruise. Whether you have

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it or not, every morning you are given a list of every activity that takes place on the ship. The first time I worked on a cruise ship, in 1999, I had no idea what an LGBT meeting was. But I thought, man, they meet at the bar every night. I bet I belong to that group. (Audience laughs) LGBT has to represent Let's Get Blasted Together. (Audience laughs) I bet I belong to this group. Then they put a Q in there, I mean, it's probably for Quickly. (Audience laughs) I'm pretty sure I belong in this group.

So I started going and I don't belong to that group. (Audience laughs) When they found out I was there, they made me an honorary member. (Audience laughs) They said: sit down. You're an Idiot. (Audience laughs) We're having trouble in Seattle with geese, Canada geese. Big, fat, bad poop machines is what they are. They are everywhere. They are as bad as can be. They no longer migrate. And you know what, we have hungry homeless people. We have extra geese. Does anyone else see a possible solution? (Audience laughs) You, a loaf of Wonder Bread and a baseball bat, I can clean up a park real quick. (Audience laughs) It's a good image, isn't it? (Audience laughs) But one of the solutions in Seattle was they tried to round up these geese, put them on trucks, and take them to Idaho. (Audience laughs) There's my tax money at work.

Transporting birds to Idaho. Because you know those birds came back before those trucks. (Audience laughs) But I read in the newspaper that these geese defecate 5 to 18 times an hour. I know. It's an amazing statistic. But do you know what is more surprising? You stop and realize that getting that information (audience laughs) is a guy with a college degree, a clipboard, and a stopwatch. (Audience laughs) "I hate this job. (Audience laughs) "I spent four years in Washington state "for this." (audience laughing) I'm just kidding. Nobody graduated in four years. (Audience laughs) Right after the show, after the big truck guys finish with me, you might want to go out and see the WSU students. (audience laughs) Have you ever said something to someone and know exactly what you meant?

It just goes wrong. Or someone says something, you know what he meant. It just goes wrong. A few weeks ago, on Saturday morning, I go to the mall. On Friday night I did two shows, great shows,

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clubs, everyone laughing. Saturday morning I go to the mall and this guy clearly sees me on the other side of the mall. He says, "Hey, buddy, you were great" last night. "My cheeks still hurt." (Audience laughs) That shopping trip is over. And so is my

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one. You are wonderful. Thank you so much. (audience applauding)