10 Minutes of Trevor Noah Standup | Netflix

- The pandemic drove people crazy. I thought we were all going to unite. That's what he believed from all the movies he watched as a child. I thought that if we humans were ever threatened by an existential threat, we would abandon every fight we had and band together to win. Know? I thought if that virus came, we would all be there. We'd say, "Okay, no more racism, no more sexism. Let's do this together!" And we would go and defeat the enemy aliens. And then we'd come back and say, okay, let's go back to racism and sexism. (Audience laughs) It's like "Independence Day." That's what happened, remember?

Yes, that's what I grew up seeing. Everyone in the world joined together to fight the aliens. We stopped all of ours, there was no politics. There was nothing. We unite and win. And then in real life, what did we do? We fought among ourselves and lost. We were supposed to be a team. Will Smith was supposed to be our hero. (Audience laughs) None of this went as planned! As humans, we get so comfortable knowing that we forget how uncertain life is. Every day we are taught that we know, we know, we know. We are comfortable knowing, so you believe you will always know.

What will the traffic be like? Know. How will the weather be? Know. Oh, it will rain on Thursday. Do you understand what magic trick that is? If you had that technology 500 years ago, you'd say, "Oh, it's going to rain on Thursday." People would say (singing). (Audience laughs) I also remember how confident world leaders were. Some more cocky than others. One of my favorites was the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Boris Johnson. (Audience laughs) Yeah, it was interesting. (Audience laughs) He went to a hospital during the pandemic and was hugging people. Like at the beginning, he hugged people, he went around hugging people.

Reporters asked him and said, "Prime Minister Johnson, do you think it's appropriate for me to hug people during a pandemic?" He says: "First of all, everyone needs to calm down. This is not a pandemic. This is not a pandemic. Look at my head. Do I look stressed? Everyone needs to calm down. Nothing. Everything is fine. I can touch people. We're not going to close. Everything will stay open. Pubs will stay open. Football stays open. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." He was just gone, he didn't give a shit.

The president of the United States, oh, he was even more cocky. Yes. Did you see it when he came out, Donald J. Trump? Oh, he had all the loot. He said, "Folks, we'll fix it (audience laughs) in 21 days. 21 days. The virus will be gone, 21 days. Some even say 20." (Audience laughs) That disease came and kicked Trump and Boris deep in the chest. Both men went to the ICU and almost died. The only reason they survived is because they are both heads of state. They gave them that secret juice. (Audience laughs) Boris, you have to admit that he left that hospital as if he had seen Jesus. (Audience laughs) He came from the hospital, he gave a press conference and closed everything.

He arrived barely dressed. He said: "Everyone, this is not a joke. I've seen it with my own eyes. The UK is shutting down. Please, football is gone. The pubs are gone. Don't take this lightly. I've experienced it myself. this". I promise this is not fun. I can't talk, I have to go. Please, I can't talk. I have to go home." And he just left. (Audience laughs) He left, that man was terrified. I was almost expecting the coronavirus to come around the corner like (clicking). (Audience laughs) ) Trump, on the other hand, didn't give a damn. That man will die for being stubborn. (Audience laughs) He walked out of the hospital, could barely breathe, but still held a press conference.

He didn't even speak. He was like ( breathing heavily.) (Audience laughs) If I can do it, you can too. (Audience laughs) What a funny sound. Sound of happiness. In particular, the sound of white happiness. Yes. I've tracked it down. I looked up the source of the woo-hoo and discovered that it originated from white people. (Audience laughs) White woman in particular. That's where it comes from. That's the sound of a white woman arriving. That's the sound of her entering. to the game. It's like "Tammy, woo-hoo!" (audience laughing) And that's when you know it's on. Yeah. Because everyone else learned it from a white woman.

That's where it came from. You know, she spread through society like a virus. It is not the natural sound that others make. White women make that sound instinctively, but everyone else has learned it. As if white men were the first to learn it. Because for them it's like a mating call. They know what it means. They have to reciprocate like "Woo-hoo!" "Woo-hoo." But everyone else had to learn it. It's a natural sound for them, but for no one else. Like black people woo-hoo, but it's not the natural sound that black people make for fun. You know, black people can court.

Black people usually go woo-hoo. But it's not instinctively a black happy sound. And I think it's because black people are uncomfortable with woo-hoo. (Audience laughs) Deep down, there's a certain moment in woo-hoo when every black person stops enjoying it. There is a point where, and maybe this is just my personal experience, I feel like it sounds eerily similar to a police siren. There's only one moment (audience laughs) when it stops being funny. (Audience laughing) It's just that split second it was like, woo-hoo! Wow, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, bloop. (Audience laughs) I say, put your hands in the air and keep them there. (Audience laughs) Terrorism is not a race, it is an act.

It evolved over time. Yes, right now we are dealing with extremism and Islamic terrorism in some parts of the world. But if you go to other parts of the world and ask them what a terrorist is, they will show you a different face. You go to England 20 years ago and you asked: what was a terrorist? They'd show you a drunk Irishman. Good? (Audience laughs) I didn't need to say drunk. I could have just said Irish. (Audience laughs) There was a time when Nelson Mandela was labeled a terrorist. As if terrorism were an act. It's not a face.

People say these things. Well, it must be admitted that there are many Muslims. Many of them do the same. You say yes, but do you know who is not a terrorist? The majority of Muslims. Yes. (Audience applauds) Most Muslims are not terrorists. I'm not even a Muslim, but it affects me because I believe that most Muslims are not terrorists. Do you know how you know this? Because we are still alive. Yes. You've had plenty of opportunities to take us out, people. There are billions of Muslims on the planet. They have had all the possibilities. They could have killed us using those falafels they sell us after midnight when we leave the club. (Audience laughs) They could have wiped us all out with their killer kebabs. (Audience laughs) I would never have learned about America.

I would never have come to places like Washington DC, I would never have learned to drive on the other side of the road. I would never have learned about lovely racism if I hadn't come to this beautiful country. (audience laughs) Probably something that changed my life forever. Lovely racism. (Audience laughs) Classic, lovely American racism. (audience laughs) I never knew such a thing existed growing up. And I thought I knew everything about racism. I always, you know, come from the home of some of the best racism in the world (audience laughs). No, and I don't want to brag, but South Africa is by far like we have racism of the highest quality. there.

As if it were made by hand. There is no longer racism like that. Like I've seen racism all over the world. To be honest, standards have gone down. It's not what it used to be. I'm talking about quality racism, you know? Now it's cheap and mass produced, probably now made in China. I'm talking about real racism. (Audience laughs) I discovered some lovely racism in a place called Lexington, Kentucky. (audience laughs) I don't know if you've ever been, but you really need to go. It is a beautiful place. Charming old school racism with a smile and the tip of a hat. (Audience laughs) Everyone in Lexington had this vibe, the smile, the charm, the accent.

Oh, the southern accent. I love him so much. They would talk there. The grammar is horrible, but it's still beautiful. (Audience laughs) No, because the sentences don't really make sense. They'd say, "You've never finished watching any of them come out." And it's like (audience laughs) that's not English. Your autocorrect is broken. I don't know what that is, but it's beautiful, you know? In fact, when they talk very fast it sometimes sounds like someone is playing a banjo inside their mouths. That's what I think. I asked two men for directions and they started arguing. It was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard in my life.

The guy said to me, "Where are you going, boy?" He said, "I'm going to the theater. Can you direct me?" He said, "Oh, you're going to go that route." (mumbling) And the friend was like, (mumbling). (audience laughing) It was almost... (audience laughing) It sounded like someone had started a Mumford and Sons concert in his mouth. (audience laughing) Because at one point they were talking and then they got down to business and the guy said, (sings the song mumbling) (audience laughing) (audience laughing)