Inner Safety and Sleep with Dr Nerina Ramlakhan

a very warm welcome to this live action event for happiness. My name is Mark Williamson and it's lovely to be joined by so many of you from around the world at another gathering of this incredible community of people taking action to create a happier, kinder world. world together and I'm really looking forward to welcoming today a very popular speaker we've had before Dr. Narina Narina it's a pleasure to have you with us again oh I'm afraid you're silent Nina we can't listen sorry last time, but it's wonderful to be here. I'm delighted to be back. Thank you all, thank you to those of you who have been to an AC of Happiness event before, thank you for coming back, thank you for being a part of this. amazing community of people, we don't just care about our own well-being, we care about creating a better world and contributing to the happiness of others too and any of you, anyone who is here for the first time, thank you and please take a moment to check out the other things that Action for Happiness has to offer, not just these live events but also a host of local and online community activities and as always you will feel part of that community in the joint chat during this event as well What, please, friends.

Keep the chat relevant, supportive and friendly as always and there will also be an opportunity to ask Ninaa questions about this very important topic that we are talking about today about

sleep

and I am very excited that we are going to be exploring I think there is a slightly different angle on this topic of

sleep

to one I often hear about. I think we all know that sleep is great for our well-being and happiness, but Narina is going to talk to us about security and that sense of

inner

security and how that can support our sleep, so let's really get started.

I love Narina, you may know that you are obviously an expert on this topic of sleep, perhaps you could remind us a little about your background both professionally and personally. and perhaps in particular why this topic is of such interest to you, yes, I would be happy to do that. Well, they call me a sleep expert. I never set out to be a sleep expert, but perhaps there was some kind of subconscious UNC driving force. behind this, which came from my own problems with sleep, you know, from childhood, from when I was a baby, I couldn't sleep and it was studying sleep for my PhD and then leaving academia and heading to the city of London and work. in a corporate healthcare environment, you know corporate health screenings, and that was in the '90s.

I know I'm showing my age now, but the dream didn't have that center stage that it seems to have now, you know that, on a level world, the sleep industry is worth it. billions of pounds billions of dollars is a huge industry, but back then it wasn't really, but I started to notice that the dream was starting to become a problem, the world was speeding up, technology had landed on the seen and more and more people would get ahead. to my clinic and there I was in my white lab coat as a physiologist measuring their health and noticing that even the smallest group of corporate employees would open up if I asked them how you were sleeping and um and they would tell me I'm really having a hard time falling asleep. and staying asleep and actually that gave rise to the idea of ​​writing my first book Tired But Wired because a lot of people said they were tired but wired, but it was around then, Mark, that I noticed sleep breaking through. on the agenda.

I'm intrigued to recreate a little of what you learned in some of those corporate workshops, maybe now with this beautiful community, maybe we could ask people to share in a couple of words how they slept. I know you do this a lot last night on Arena, but maybe if you'd like, let us know how your sleep has been recently or describe how you're feeling about sleep so we can get some perspective. I'll read some of these as they seem terrible, stupid, bad, not good enough, less than 4 hours, very good, I slept my usual 400 a.m. m., I wake up easily intermittently, frustrating, good, very bad, terrible, as always, I didn't sleep.

He was working, disturbed. feeling rested terrible wow I mean, I'm surprised by the real spectrum of experiences even on these recent nights. I guess it's a pretty common Arena where we see a real mix like this. It is very common to see this. kind of a mix um, I don't know, I can't do the statistical analysis of what appears in the chat box and I don't want to get too distracted by it, but I have the feeling that there are more sleep problems than Sleep well, that seems be the balance. I also wonder. Look, I have a PhD in Neuroscience.

So I don't want to get too esoteric, but we just had a full moon and the moon can really disrupt your sleep. increase your sleep component, you may dream more, which can also affect some people, but I suspect a lot of this is because you know the state of our world, this feeling of

safety

, not

safety

, not feeling safe. , the fact that I know particularly since the pandemic that so many people are dealing with uncertainty, we are dealing with fear and anxiety and this hits us when we go to bed at night and I think you're right that the current environment and the recent Events must play a role, but I wonder if it is true to say that there were different types of sleepers.

Some people find it easier than others. What do we like in general as a species? I mean, there are complex ways to classify your type, or you know, so. Call them sleep chronotypes. I'm keeping it very simple and at one end of the scale I'll put the sleeping martini that My Age Again shows, the martini, the cocktail from the '70s, where the motto was that the cocktail could be drunk anytime, anywhere. anywhere, so you have your Martini bed at one end of the scale and at the other end of the scale you have your sensitive bed, your sensitive bed, which for them security is particularly key and I wonder if a lot of what chat box is coming and the questions and answers come from your sensitive sleeper, who especially needs to pay attention to his surroundings, can't sleep because of an argument, sights, sounds, smells, his nervous system is more dysregulated, more unbalanced, um and S, sleepers like I was once one can become more Martini like we can learn to sleep better by learning the tools and techniques I share, but Martini sleepers as a result of life events can become more sensitive. and during the covid pandemic many people became more sensitive like sleepers due to stress and feelings of lack of safety in the world.

Well, I'm looking forward to addressing this topic of security, where I think you have some really distinctive and insightful things to share, but I also love when we can use the wisdom of our community, so I'm sure that the people here who listen to us and they join in and do things that support their sleep, whether they sleep anywhere or are sensitive sleepers, so maybe we could ask the community again. What are some things you find that really help you sleep well? If you want to share a couple of words in the chat. What helps you sleep well?

Maybe we can see the wisdom we already have here before you. Add Narina. again I'll read some uh meditation total darkness exercise blocking out the light White noise a bath before bed counting things earplugs breathing reading limited technology cannabis lavender silence yoga hey mask listening to radio 4 melatonin a walk a spray a heavy blanket um tea uh a sad lamp in the morning the rain sounds I love this there is a lot of uh practical experience here um again what are you seeing these some topics that you are used to seeing theena I'm glad to see magnesium there too that's all you know if anyone has problems with sleep and is restless at night, I really recommend taking magnesium supplements.

We even have people talking about their cat and all kinds of EFT frequencies, so you have a really sophisticated and well-informed audience here and you can see. See why the sleep industry is worth billions of pounds and billions of dollars. I mean, we've come a long way, Mark, since the hunter-gatherer lay on a mat of leaves, haven't we? We have come a long way of dreaming. industry and yet people still don't sleep well, so what they're talking about here are the decisions they're making externally to a large extent, generally speaking, they're talking about the things they're doing in their external environment , some people are also talking about the things that they are taking that will change their internal physiology in the lavender spray and the magnesium salts that they are using sad lamps and things like that, the things that will affect their physiology, but what would I like to know when Let's start talking about security?

What I encourage people to think about is how they feel inside their body right now. All of those external things will definitely help, especially things like limiting blue light and things like that, but also becoming more aware of what's really going on inside of you. really important and that's what you know, that's where we start talking about security, you know that well, before we get into that security point in more detail. I just wanted to point out something I felt in conversations about sleep, which I find quite refreshing in your work. I think we see a lot of sleep experts telling us how crucial good sleep is to our health.

You know, it supports all these wonderful things and the lack of sleep is so terrible, and I think that almost creates an extra sense of well-being. pressure to sleep and it seems that there are some things that are myths that are a little almost useless, like that we have to sleep at a certain time or a certain amount or that you know that there is a danger that bad sleep becomes its own property. I'm wondering if you could, if there's any myths that you want to break down some of the basics before we dive in, yeah, let's do it, let's do it because look, it's really important and maybe I can.

I know we have an international audience and people are interested. different time zones, but many of us will try to get some sleep after all this putting all this pressure on sleep and sleep is really important. There's a reason nature has designed us to spend a third of our lives sleeping. It is important. it repairs the body physically, mentally, emotionally, I think spiritually, when we sleep well, we feel happy with all those things, but you know, as hunter gatherers, if we had evolved with this inflexible need to get eight hours of sleep to be able to face the next day , we would do it. it's probably extinct as a species so you know we can manage, we're a lot more resilient than we think and I think you know you and I have talked about this session.

I was telling you my own personal story about my sleep being interrupted at the moment because my teenager is working late shifts and then when he comes home the dog barks and it's really ruining my sleep a little bit. Now I am putting a lot of emphasis on my daily habits and the other things that will give me energy, my food. my movement hydrating in the natural light of the day making sure I take my supplements making sure I exercise making sure I hug enough making sure I talk to people and laugh enough and do things with gratitude practice and meditate so sleep Sleep is just a very important way to energize yourself, but it is not the only one, so take the pressure off your sleep if you are not sleeping well, do not measure your sleep, do not look at the data on your portable device.

Don't get obsessed with checking the time, please stop checking the time during the night. I don't think anyone said it stopped checking the time, but that's a GameChanger. It is normal to wait between 2 and 4 am. m., it is actually normal. expect 10 to 15 times a night, but when we say to ourselves we look at the wearable that says oh, I woke up seven times last night, well it doesn't say Well done, you woke up seven times because that's normal, it's actually normal , so stop worrying. about it and focus more on your lived experience, how do you feel when you wake up in the morning?

Well, you wake up and you feel less than a 10 out of 10, you feel less than a five out of 10, so make some smart decisions. That will give you energy, move well, drink well, hug well, live well, don't depend only on sleep. I love that because it takes the pressure off of you and I find that when you do that you sleep better anyway. I remember an idea someone once told me. It was if you're in bed and you can't sleep, even just lying in bed and being still and breathing is still good for your body, so enjoy it and I find that when I switch to that mode I'm more likely to fall asleep.

So absolutely and there is such a thing as um uh well, well, I've been talking about the importance of rest and with many of my clients I ask them to take the pressure off of sleep and in fact I prohibit them from using theword. sleep and you're going to say you know you're going to rest very well tonight when I was working with Premiership footballers. I would say that tonight don't even think about sleeping, you're going to think about resting, so think about resting. when you wake up during the night, you know, can I do a lovely little safety and juice exercise?

I can do that? Want? I do that now you wake up during the night, your mind is racing, you're thinking, oh God, but I'm not going to look at the time because that crazy sleep expert said don't look at the time you want to go to the bathroom the bathroom don't worry come back the bed one hand on your heart one on your belly notice your breathing breathe and say to yourself: "I'm going to lie here and allow myself to rest and follow your breathing, following your inhalation and exhalation, you might even want to repeat those words to yourself silently while you inhale as you exhale silently and you can even play by gently prolonging the exhale so that you're doing a sort of and sending that exhale into the abdomen and just saying I'm going to I'm going to rest I'm going to focus on resting I'm enjoying the rest It's wonderful to be able to rest.

You know, self-hypnosis. If you like to try to trick your brain instead of going, why am I not sleeping, what time is it, how many hours before should I leave, but just focus on rest and during the day incorporate rest. to your day? Professor Andrew Huberman calls it no sleep, no sleep, rest ndsr or something like your non-deep sleep rest, especially sometime between 2:00 and 4:00 p.m., so I lay on the floor for 10 minutes this afternoon with my dog ​​next to me with my hand on my belly, my hand over my heart, I just breathed for 10 minutes, it's a wonderful rejuvenation, let's talk. about safety um and your book Finding Inner Safety, of course, is partly about this topic of sleep, but it's something broader and deeper than that um yeah, so I'd love to hear a little bit about the different ways that our bodies respond. to threats because I guess what we're talking about here is how we approach whether or not we feel safe, or even the opposite, which is unsafe, and I have the feeling that many things in the modern world make us feel increasingly more insecure, so how would you like to present this topic of safety and how we are or are not addressing it at the moment.

Yeah, I think it starts by saying you know with our first breath we embark on this lifelong journey of trying to find security within ourselves. our environment within our relationships from your first breath you are on a quest to find safety and the nervous system, the autonomic nervous system that controls all the functions of the body, is designed based on the premise of am I safe or not? If you perceive that you are not safe, you will enter the sympathetic nervous system, which will help you a lot. Your nervous system switches to the sympathetic nervous system, adrenaline, cortisol, norepinephrine, fight or flight to allow you to fight the threat, so that's a useful nervous system response.

If we think we're under threat and we're not safe, you go into the sympathetic nervous system. Now the problem with that in relation to sleep is that if you constantly feel like you're under threat, which is the case with a lot of people. turn off the other part of the nervous system that is involved in feeling to help you feel safe it is the parasympathetic it is about thriving rest and digest recovery immune function digestion sexual function and if you constantly feel insecure you start how? I put him living in the wrong part of your nervous system.

Now what happens with living in the wrong part of the nervous system is that not only can you not sleep, but you also start to be more exhausted, more depleted, it starts to wear you down, not only does it affect you but does it affect the people around you? They surround you because I know what you're talking about? You talked in previous sessions, for example with Dan Gman, you talked about emotional contagion. We all know what it feels like to be around someone who is nervous, anxious, on edge, fearful. We are concerned that there is a contagion of security, so when we feel safe, people feel safe around us when we feel safe as leaders, our teams, our employees feel safe, our children in a family, if parents feel safe, their children are more likely to feel safe.

So you know, Steven Pores. Dr. Steven Pores is kind of the grandfather of security neuroscience and says that if you want to improve the world, you start by making people feel safe, but you really have to start by feeling safe yourself, regardless of what you do. that is happening in the world. That's what

inner

security is all about because our external world is never going to be safe. We really have to find it in ourselves. I find this very helpful and thought-provoking and when you mention it, it suddenly seems so obvious that what we all really want is that feeling of security and as you say, it has been connected to us throughout our lives, let me make sure I understood it, so we have this autonomic nervous system that has almost these two modes and when it is in the sympathetic one.

State that we are a little bit excited and ready for action and we are fighting or fleeing and if we are in the parasympathetic state we are more able to, I guess, rest, digest, be calm, etc., and um, I imagine. One of the points here is that we spend quite a bit of time in that insecure state or at least in an aroused state because of the way we live, you know, that could be the environmental environment that we find ourselves in, which is partly under our control but partly out of our control, but maybe it's also the way we approach our lives and the way we think and whether or not we allow ourselves to feel safe, it's like that, yeah, and the choices we make.

I'm letting you know that if you think about the way you sleep tonight, it's all these things that people are beautiful, things that people have thrown into the chat box, all the decisions they're making and all the sleeping packages, which is wonderful. but you're actually preparing yourself for how you're going to sleep tonight from the moment you wake up in the morning, every decision you make in those 1,440 minutes you know, every choice you make gets you closer to feeling safe or unsafe. It will get you closer to sleeping well or not, so yes, the decisions we are making.

If you think about it before you go to bed, do you choose to be in your inbox? Are you on social media? Are you watching the news? Are you reading before bed? What are you watching on the television? Do you know what kind of conversations you have had throughout the day? What are you putting in your body that makes you feel safe or unsafe? Do you know you could be? biochemically nutritionally creating feelings of insecurity in the body drinking 15 cups of coffee a day skipping breakfast not eating the right things Chemically buying foods send the nervous system into a state of what we call dysregulation, which means you go Go to bed with it.

You're in the wrong part of the nervous system and you won't sleep as well, so it's about what we allow ourselves to do, the decisions we make throughout the day, so I was intrigued to hear Narina say that. There is this kind of security science and you've already mentioned some of the kind of science behind it, but what I'm getting from what you just described is that there were some external things, but also, as you were saying, there are some things that we can do within ourselves and maybe I was wondering if we could look at each of them a little more in turn, but I think you also have rather more sophisticated scientific words for both of those things.

Do you want to say a little more? about um, I'm right, neuroception is one of the words, what it means is that beautiful word where you know, for example, if you've heard my classifications of what kind of sleeper you are and I think I think you're a sleeper. sensitive actually, so think. about yourself, if you are a sensitive human being, are you that person who walks into a room and can feel the vibe in that room? You know you go to a party or a dinner or you walk into a meeting and you're like, oh God!

There's no good feeling in this room, so neuroception is our ability to scan our external environment and feel, yeah, feel the energy in the environment around us, the external environment, uh, so those are the sites of neuroception. For sensitive sleepers or if you're a martini drinker. who is going through a sensitive phase sights sounds smells very important think about your bedroom what it looks like does it look like my teenager's bedroom which is advice or does it look like my bedroom it looks like a sanctuary smells like a sanctuary feels like a sanctuary because for me, a sensitive sleeper, it is really very important and smells, sights and noises, so I have a fan in my room to block out outside noises, badges, foxes and my dog ​​B, everything that kind of thing, neuroception scans the external environment, am I safe?

Let's be more interesting about this now, let's advance safety in safe interoception, be aware of your bodily feelings, sensations and responses to what is happening in the world, so before attending this webinar I realized how interceptive I think I can use. that word I was feeling a little anxious I was thinking Am I using the right Zoom link? Am I here too early? Am I here too late? Do I have something wrong? um and I noticed that inside my nervous system I was nervous, so what did I do? Did I make a really simple decision? I took off my slippers.

I put my feet on the ground. I felt my feet on the ground. I sent my breath into my belly. I imagined roots growing through my feet and simply settled my nervous system. It took me seconds, it took me seconds to do that, so when we connected, my nervous system was in a state of regulation. The short 10 minute nap I had this afternoon also helped calm my nervous system, which will continue until the end. This, so I hope that explains the difference between the external. There will always be things happening in our external world, but what we do have some element of choice about is how we respond internally within gratitude, so I'm going to try again. make sure you have understood this so NE reception is about how we can perceive the environment around us and if we feel safe in a space and there are some external options that we can and cannot control there and then interoception is more about how We feel within ourselves that at least to some extent we can influence, so I guess what comes to mind is how, because you know you've already mentioned some examples, but I know you have some practical techniques to develop more internally. security, some of which people will find in the book that I will send a link to in the follow up tomorrow and I know you have some online resources on your website etc. so we will send you the links too, but what will it be?

Fantastic in this action for happiness event would be to try an action together, so you had a I don't remember the name now, but you have a lovely name for one of your exercises that we could try together now, what was that? Remind me, then, the Havening technique was created by a psychiatrist neuroscientist. He developed this technique to work with W Vettes who were suffering from PTSD and it is a technique that is based on neuroscience. I'll immediately make a simple version. This can help bring security to your body and you can do it during the day if you are feeling agitated or insecure.

If the internet connection hadn't come back, I would have been doing it like crazy right now. um, you can do it if you get into bed and suddenly think: do you know what I am? I'm still thinking about that conversation I had with my teenager or my manager or if you wake up early and you can't go back to sleep it's very common so what you do is you just put other hands on opposite arms like that and you can rub arms up and down or touch either and it's really simple you just use words like the ones you know so imagine saying them out loud or if you want to say them silently as I say it things like I'm safe I'm safe in my body I'm safe in my skin I'm safe resting I'm safe in my body I'm safe it's safe to sleep safe to let go it's safe to rest it's as simple as that it really is as simple as that and you can do it quietly in bed at night or you can do it out loud and um, it's incredibly relaxing and you can do it before meetings, obviously, you don't want to say it's safe to sleep, that might limit your career a little bit, but you know, just saying I'm safe , I'm safe in my body, you know?

It's safe to use my voice, anything like that, it just brings you and brings you back to the body because what happens when we start to feel insecure, an internal feeling of insecurity, is that we start to leave the body or dissociate, if you will, and we become insensitive. we leave and what this does is it's just a sematic exercise that brings you back to your body again, so you come back, you come back again and you use your breathalso, so I was pausing, I was slowing down, I was breathing and it's a surrender, so I can't help but notice this wonderful word surrender to sleep, it really is surrender to life because you can use it in all kinds of situations in life. life.

Thank you. I found it very practical and I can understand why the words are kind of like a reminder of the fact that you know that yes, you are safe here right now. I mean, you may still be upset about what happened yesterday and worried about what will happen tomorrow, but here and now, in this room, in this bed, in this space, I am. safe and I think that kind of sense of spatial and temporal security is really powerful. What happens with the crossed arms and tapping has to do with EMDR or there is something physiological going on there too, it is very much related to the self.

Calming him down is like giving yourself a hug, so it's almost like parenting yourself, you know, but also by using alternating sides, you know, hands on opposite arms, you're engaging both the right brain and the left brain, the emotional brain. and the logical brain too, so um. Yes, it seems simple, but there is actually complex neuroscience behind it, but it is so powerful that you don't need to think about the neuroscience, it just works wonderfully. Well, I'm realizing that and I'm grateful to Vata, who just said something. the talk but her observation was that made me cry and I don't know why and I and I wonder if there is something in giving ourselves permission to reconnect with ourselves and recognize ourselves, you know, and speak a little more tenderly to ourselves.

I think very often we have quite a harsh inner voice and what you just did was so much more, it's almost like the affection that we all want. of others we're giving of ourselves in a way, it's like that, absolutely, and you know, I recommend doing this first thing in the morning as well, so this is a really powerful way to start the day, you know? instead of waking up. I get up in the morning and the first thing you do is pick up your phone. I mean, personally, I'm as addicted as everyone else, so my phone tends to be off and charging in another area of ​​the house because otherwise I'd reach for my phone.

The first thing you should do when you wake up in the morning is almost before you open your eyes. Maybe you want to calm down a little. You can do it the same way I showed you before, with one hand over your heart. one in the belly in the lower abdomen below the navel is called the danten in chigong. I think some of your listeners are familiar with d with the dant with Chong, so you put it with one hand on the heart, one on the belly and you can use things that you can even just rub and just say I'm safe, I'm safe in my body, but if you also do the shelter first thing in the morning and you, that could bring on tears, could bring on tears. because we are so used to starting our day just like you said Mark.

In this punishing way, you know I have to do this and I have to do this and it's an action for happiness and I better not let them down. and it better be perfect and a lot of this is related to our childhood conditioning. It is not the nose that is the adult, but the nose that is a work in progress when it comes to perfectionism. I write about this to find inner security, you know? because when I was at school we had to say a little poem Every morning good better better never let us rest until we do our good better and our best better I mean it's horrendous it's about making everything perfect and I'm constantly working on my inner fog B and what's particularly the first thing you do in the morning, so start your day with kindness, with gentleness because the act of sleeping is about kindness and gentleness, it's about surrender, it's about softening and letting go, so that if you can do it. that regularly throughout the day is incredibly powerful and what is happening with that Mantra that you said again almost haunts you is, of course, good intentions, like let's do the best we can, let's be good people, but, of course, if it becomes a kind of self-flatulation it has a kind of almost toxic effect so the way I like to think of it is like do the best you can during the day and all you can do is enough and then at the end say that was enough, leave it.

Go ahead and keep going, and for me what I find really helpful, and I know you talk about this a lot in your work, too, is that at the end of the day, I stop to draw my attention to the things that have gone well, regardless of whether They are big or small. I had a lovely conversation with my daughter. Even though I didn't finish my entire to-do list, I accomplished these things and I managed to get outside and even though it was raining, I still saw the trees and whatever. Be it just those little moments where that was good and that was enough, and there's something about gratitude that is not only great for our mental health, but it feels like gratitude almost gives us more permission to let go and sleep. , is that your experience like Well, absolutely, AB absolutely does it and I would really recommend everyone to soap up in those moments of gratitude as well so that they don't do it.

You know, I love the idea of ​​keeping a gratitude journal. I love writing diaries, do you know what they are? the wonderful things that I'm grateful for in my time, but give it time to settle in, you know, it's the neuroscientist, Dr. Rick Hansen said. I think you might have had him as a guest too, you know, the brain is like, uh. Velcro when it comes to negative experiences, but it's like Teflon when it comes to positive experiences, so when we have these moments, these flashes and glimpses are again called flashes and glimpses of safety. Neuroscience when we have these flashes and glimpses of gratitude. o Joy, kindness or compassion, sink into it, sit with it for 30 to 40 seconds, just think about that moment when your teenager said, Mom, are you okay?

Can you? I'll make you a cup of tea if the TT doesn't work. Mom, just call. I'll come down and fix it for you that's what my daughter told me chudes and I'm going to think about that tonight that makes me want to cry now teenagers can be p in the neck but you know when she thinks about don't just say dial the box she did this soaking it feel it how it makes me feel brings excitement that excitement puts me in ventral Vegas parasympathetic nervous system where you want to be where I want to be So I can sleep tonight, you know, so it's not just a quick.

I'm grateful for this, this and this, sink into it, feel it in a moment, Nina. I'd love to answer some of the questions people ask. So if you want to ask Nina a question, use the separate Q&A option in Zoom and if you see a question you like, give it a thumbs up and that will open the list and we'll see the most popular questions. To begin with, but it's a challenge for me, I think Nina, some of us, we are able to control the environment around us and we are dealing with really difficult situations.

We know that in our community there were people who were taking care of you, whether it was major health issues or concerns about the health of your loved ones financial concerns, you know, some serious physical and mental challenges and, you know, there can be a lot of reasons why we do not feel safe in the world around us. Do you think that even in a house that is full of arguments, for example, or a time when you are unemployed and worried, even if you know how to make ends meet, you are still able to create a sense of inner security? , even if it's just during that recovery period. at night because it seems to me that it is still something vitally important for us to do.

Do you have any advice on how to feel confident even in difficult times? Yeah, oh, what a fantastic question. I'm linking to the work from your conversation with Dan Goldman and maybe Rick Rick, honey, you could have talked about this too and Dan Goldman referenced the work, what's the book? Victor Frankl's book, Man Searches for Meaning. I remember. Years ago, decades ago, I read that book and I thought, "Wow, this man, even in a Nazi concentration camp, you know, and he's lost members of his family, can access feelings of security within himself through of optimism, through realistic optimism, through gratitude.

Being able to discover that these are all submodalities of all of this, you know, when you feel grateful, when you feel optimistic, when you feel compassionate, when you feel kind, These are all submodalities of feeling safe and I, my life is extremely messy sandwiched between problems with a teenage teenager, a very elderly father who is extremely ill, as well as a changing physiology and all these kinds of things going on as well, but I work deeply. to feel safe and there are times when I don't, but you have to keep doing the work and sometimes doing the work is that sitting, sitting and crying thing.

I'm not in a place where I can write a gratitude journal right now. I need to feel what needs to be felt right now. This moment, so crying is allowing yourself to feel what you need to feel, don't rush through it. I'm very grateful for my wonderful life, I am, but you also need to go in and feel what needs to be felt, and if that. If it's hard for you, then find, find support, find a therapeutic space, it could be a loving friend, it could be a journal, it could be your pet, my dog ​​is amazing, my cat is amazing, there are times when I'm petting the dog and I'm having a cry, you know, I don't have to do P for it, it's just there and then when I've done that little job, then I can be in a position where I can move on to gratitude, um, but it's all part of the job and I would also say um I'd love to say something about some quick wins if I can Mark please yes we need resources to heal because accessing inner security can involve not just touching things that are there on a surface level .

I may have had to do a lot of work on epigenetic trauma, on ancestral trauma, things that came through my parents, my grandparents, my ancestors who were slaves, you know, there's a lot of research, there's a lot of science behind it. from this. To do that work you need a lot of resources i.e. energy, we need energy to heal so I'd like to give you five quick wins here and this will also help you sleep and it's covered in one of the resources on my page. website too, but let me say it quickly, very quickly, make sure you have breakfast in the morning within half an hour of waking up, don't use caffeine as a meal substitute, make sure you drink at least six glasses. of water a day hydrate your physiology try going to bed earlier a few nights a week that's my fifth non-negotiable in bed around 93010 reading a book journaling meditating but not on your phone number five please cultivate a healthy relationship with this, okay, these five things after 14 to 21 days of doing this, the nervous system will start to reset, you will find that you have more energy, you may then have more energy to go in and do the deeper work and I have a lot of clients.

They say I've done it. those five things kicking and screaming now I'm ready to work on the relationship with my husband now I'm ready to go back and do that and that child labor on perfectionism, you know, now I'm ready to go deeper, but make sure you do some of those basics before you start digging in because you need energy to do that, that's actually really helpful, it's like getting your sleep hygiene right and then you'll be in a better place to cultivate that deeper sense. of security and I really think the word security is very important because I don't think we think about it often and yet as soon as you say it, it makes a lot of sense if we think that our main goal is to simply create the conditions and the thoughts and Practices that help us feel at peace with ourselves and at peace with the world are very vital now.

You mentioned this before too, but I just wanted to come back to it finally before we get to the questions. You talked about contagious. nature of this feeling of security and I feel like you know, I mean you mentioned older parents and the younger generations, but I think, particularly in the younger generations, there are a lot of people who don't feel very safe right now while They look to the future. If we are parents or if we are colleagues in a work environment or leaders in other aspects. I think when we do this well, we are probably better able to help those around us feel safe too.

It's true? Absolutely 100%. as simple as putting on your oxygen mask and you know, when I work with leaders, you often know I used to participate in a leadership program at the Ash Ashridge building at the business school and I was running that program, I was a five- Day of the program, the first day, they would say meet Dr. Narina doing that, how do we resource people to feel that sense of security and have the right kind of energy? Because theleaders can operate with just energy, many leaders in The world today operate with a lot of energy, but it is manic, it is fearful, it is threatening, it is intimidating, it is optimistic and what you want is the energy of kindness, compassion, empathy and caring, but you have to work on that in yourself before you can exude and it's the same thing. with home and being a parent and I'm a parent and there are times when I just think I don't know what to do in this situation and then I have to remind myself keep your feet on the ground stay grounded put your oxygen mask on keep finding that security within yourself resource nose you know if I have eaten well drunk well slept well moved well breathed well hugged well my daughter feels it she feels it and that is why I constantly tell the parents while if she is out on dog walks or when they are doing SE sessions in schools or with teachers, I constantly tell parents and leaders to keep the space in yourselves, to keep the firmness in yourself if you want to pass it on to the people around you and in particular the young people whose nervous systems are very vulnerable, you know, they haven't fully melinated the nerve fibers, they haven't fully developed the frontal lobe, they're still functioning in the reptilian brain, they feel insecure and they have all these active social networks that make them feel insecure. so you have to hold your ground for them Nina Denise asks, do you have any tips for waking up in the early hours of race mind and not being able to go back to sleep?

She says she has tried breathing exercises, what else can we do, um, oh. yeah, there's um again, there's something like this on my website is I love you, I love you to sleep, exercise where you focus on your foot, um, it's a kind of body scan, progressive muscle relaxation exercise, but there is also a ridiculous, really silly exercise. one that really gets you out of your head and into your body. I didn't know if I would do this today, but I'm so tempted, we have time, don't we? for me to do this? Okay, it means I need to stand right, but then, you two, oh, okay, let's put this camera in the right place, so I'm standing here, I have limited space, I have it empty. feet on the ground my feet are apart hip width if anyone wants to try this do it okay and what I'm going to do to get my head racing you can leave if you share your room with anyone. go to the bathroom or something so you don't wake up your partner um and you stand there with your feet about hip-width apart, plant your feet, be careful your brain is racing, let it run, those intrusive thoughts are not you , they're just your brain being angry and wanting a little distraction and what you do is if your balance isn't good or you have any medical problems, hold on to something, make sure you have support around you, but otherwise, get on your feet. heels and let yourself fall. go up again go down this is called heels now I'm going to close my eyes and do it and my knees are slightly bent my shoulders are relaxed I'm like a rag doll on top now I'm going to breathe as I go up I use a little sound and 10 15 of those 10 to 15 of those Mark brings you back to your body, okay, then he takes you out of your head and back into your body, the moment you come back.

Getting down to your feet helps create some separation between you and those intrusive thoughts. Makes sense? It makes sense and I would love to try it. I've never done. The idea of ​​getting it. I know sometimes you go out. lying in bed when you can't sleep to tune out and come back in can help, but I mean, I personally use a body scan meditation that just tries to bring my attention to parts of my body gradually and my brain will go into overdrive. I go away and realize that I forgot to think about my knees and then I come back, but because I'm putting my attention on my body, that's just my mind, so I find that that's my way and you know I often can't .

Even reaching my belly before I fall asleep, so that's my version of that, but thank you, that's very helpful for Nicole. I'm not sure if Nicole is a therapist or does some other type of work with clients, but the question I have a client who generally feels insecure, has no obvious prior trauma, but is afraid to go to sleep because she says it's the final form. of letting go of control, which feels like someone who doesn't feel very safe in general. I imagine you have it. any advice for Nicole or anyone else who is trying to help others feel safe, yeah well there's a whole issue there that I'd like to unravel, you know, I'd really like to understand why this person is afraid to leave. she loses control and I wonder if they are perfectionists.

I'm wondering if some work on that inner perfectionist might be helpful to really calm the inner child and you know, you know, I mentioned that my inner perfectionist is Her name is Miss Trunchbull, I have several, but one of them in particular is called Miss Trunchball and when I talk to her I say look, we have this, we can do this, let's go to bed, no. We don't have to sleep, all we're going to do is rest, let's just play with rest, we'll just lie here and think. on resting, and the other thing I would do and do with clients who are afraid to go to bed.

At night, this fear is almost like I make them practice afternoon naps, so you're taking a nap and a power nap is not sleeping, it's a state of relaxation, 10 to 20 minutes and you do it sometime between 2: and 400 p.m. but you are simply allowing yourself to fall into a state of rest, so it is easier to rest in the afternoon than to tell yourself that I need to go to bed and sleep at night, so make friends with letting go in the afternoon. into a power nap and that can also help with the nighttime experience, but it sounds like that person needs to do some deeper work and, um, having a shelter might be good for them too, thank you.

Next, we will move on to a topic that I am very familiar with. In our community they are interested in menopause and so they said some advice for menopause and lack of sleep and Joanna said that she often wakes up with a jolt of fear around 400 p.m. He finds it difficult to go back to sleep. I feel very awake. I realize she is menopausal and this has gotten worse in the last year, so I'm not sure if you know if you have any particular medications that are different. but clearly it's a really important phase in life and also, as I know, it's something that greatly disrupts a lot of people's sleep, so with menopause it's very important that you work to regulate your nervous system because this autonomic nervous system can really become unbalances and excessive dysregulation with the overly stimulated sympathetic nervous system can cause hot flashes and sudden awakenings with the jolt, so this person who is waking you up said 400 p.m. but I imagine you mean 400 a. m., so again, don't check the time incorrectly.

Apologies, yes, you probably have a pretty good idea that it was 4:00 AM. m., but stop checking the time when you wake up during the night. I would too. Make sure you have the right clothes, bamboo t-shirts and things like that, um, just to stay as cool as possible, so that those practical things, the five non-negotiables that I mentioned earlier, breakfast, minimal hydration with caffeine, take away from you. the phone. Going to bed earlier 3 or four nights a week is also very important for menopausal women because it helps reset the nervous system. I also recommend having a fan in the bedroom and using it a little.

Here's a lovely little trick, it's something called a forehead stick. and you use them for headaches, so it's a menthol bar and you can get them in pharmacies and when you wake up in the early hours of the morning, put a little bit in there and if you have the fan oscillating and blowing in your face. It can cool your brain, it cools your forehead, which is artificial. It turns on the Cadian timer in the brain, so when you lower the temperature on your forehead, it can help you sleep, so you really want that coolness, that differential. between the forehead and the rest of the body and when it is a little colder than the rest of the body it helps you fall asleep.

One more thing about menopause. You know, work with emotional stress if you're not doing it. the work on it, whether it's journaling, crying, letting it out, Tiger Bal feels it a little bit. I just noticed that Tiger Bal is there but Tiger Bal is very strong don't do that that will burn your forehead it's quite strong so go specifically because it's called forehead in the UK it's a mental staff used to migraines and things like that, but work with your emotional stress and Trauma, don't take it to bed because that will make the hot flashes worse and look at things like um. acupuncture Homeopathy reflexology that really helps with the um with the thank you narina that's so important and I'm glad you mentioned temperature too because um I've really changed my perception on this my wife loves having the window open at night which when when we were together for the first time it completely blew my mind because I had always wanted to be as warm as possible at night but gradually over time I discovered that actually being comfortable and warm under a blanket or duvet but having fresh air in the room and a slightly lower temperature in the room has really improved my sleep and I can see the wisdom in it now, whereas for years I almost fought against it, um, you know, I guess we're all different, but I think there's some science . that shows that a little bit colder temperature at night can help us sleep, that's absolutely true and ideally your external environment should be a little bit around 18 19 degrees celsius, so you walk into your room and you say, oh, it's a little bit of cold.

Here, then you lie down in bed and you have that cool air there and it's a little bit cold, but you have a warm duvet or if you lie down and your feet are too cold, then you have a warm bed. bottle of water that you kick off the bed, which is what I do after five minutes, but I also have a cold fan with the windows open in the bedroom and the dog doesn't like that and tries to get under the duvet, but then that It's something else. Diana asked a question. I guess parents will be interested.

What can you say to a 12-year-old boy who periodically has doomsday terrors at night and is a little terrified? to go back to sleep, you know, sometimes I feel like there's something watching them. I know my daughter at one point had terrible night terrors and it was really disturbing for her and for us as well, and how can we help our loved ones, especially the younger ones? Some feel safe, yes, yes, I love it. In fact, I have a couple of friends who are doing this particular exercise with their kids right now, and it really helps with this nighttime worry, anxiety, and fear that can come up not only. for young people but also for adults, so let me try to do this in 30 seconds and it's a version of your body scan exercise, Mark.

I think I also did it in the first sleep session we did last year, but it's such a good exercise, so the thing to do is you can also do this with your little one, so imagine you're lying there in the morning. night and maybe you want to say the words out loud, but ideally what you would do is you would be whispering, you would be saying this to yourself silently, but if you say it out loud, this is basically what you do: you whisper these words softly and you start with one foot or the other, left or right, and it goes like this.

I love my left foot I love my left big toe I love all the toes on my left foot I love my left ankle I love my left leg I love my left knee this I'm doing I'm going up the body I'm going very fast, do it very slowly, you can be very creative, you can go deep into all the bones of the foot, if you want, you can do the cal muscles, the chin, the ligaments, you know everything, but go slowly and maybe have the little one say it with you also have them whisper I love my toe foot I love my left foot the word love is the word that induces the most security, you know Elizabeth Kubler Ross says that there are only two main emotions, one is love and One is fear and love, it is the emotion that induces the most security in the When you start suggesting this and when I can get teenagers to do it too, it's a really powerful thing because often they really hate themselves, but it's a form of autosuggestion that lulls the body into a sense of security, so that you might want to practice it with your little ones in the afternoon, just go to bed, let's have some fun with this and practice this exercise so that they can also improve by even doing it for themselves during the night as well.

I really love that. We tried something similar once with our kids, which was like saying goodnight to my left foot, goodnight to my right foot, but I think love is even better. You said very playfully. but also the confidence in you, um, we're coming to the end of our time together, narina, but I wanted to get back to theBea's question here because it's something you said before, but I think it's very important, especially to help take a little bit. of the pressure we get around sleep, so would you be willing to reiterate what she said about it being normal to wake up multiple times as a Sayers?

They found it fascinating, so she feels a little countercultural, but she's saying we actually do. sleeping in sort of little minimal cycles and waking up and we shouldn't worry about it or get upset at all so please don't worry tonight you will wake up during the night but you know what you're not even going to do. Remember most of the time when you wake up because most of the time it's subconscious and it's just a very intelligent hunter-gatherer instinct to check that the cave is safe and if we didn't have that elasticity of sleep that bounces between sleep and weight, we would do it.

It's probably extinct as a species, so don't worry about it, don't worry about waking up early, please don't check the time, don't get too obsessed with how much sleep you think you're getting or not. I mean, no matter how much you spend on using your wearable devices, they can't tell you precisely what's going on with your sleep, so if you get anxious just ignore the data or don't use it, it's even normal to sleep with your eyes open reading a book, so you might be sleeping more than you think you might be asleep watching something on TV Summer Murders or something and actually technically more asleep than awake, so take the pressure off your sleep and start to think about resting. and before you know it, you'll know you're going to get that amazing break that you really deserve, thank you Nina, this has been a fantastic session together at a time that I'd love to give it back to you for a sort of final reflection, but first. we do it, let's just do what we call a payment together, all of us here in this community together today, this has not been just listening to an expert, although we really appreciate your expertise, this has been a kind of community meeting that we have listened to. from each other in the chat we have been practicing together just take a moment wherever you are now to pause, close your eyes if you feel able and can and you will be in a safe place and just breathe deeply and check in with your body, notice how feel right now, if you're in a time zone where sleep will come soon, then maybe you're looking forward to that feeling of security that Narina is helping us cultivate tonight and If you're in an earlier time zone, maybe you can look forward to that more late in the day and simply notice the things you are feeling right now.

In particular, draw your attention to the things you are grateful for during this time we spent together, the ideas we have learned from Dr. Narina, perhaps some new ideas that you would like to try in your life and with your loved ones and the final part. The payoff is just keeping that sense of appreciation and all that wisdom and also sending it out into the world. We are privileged to be here to learn from Narina and have the opportunity to see it for ourselves. There are many people around the world who need this kind of knowledge, who need to be nurtured and feel safer, who are really in dangerous places and who are struggling, so let's send some warm wishes and love to other people in the world who need it right now. also and let's remember the commitment that we make as members of the AC of Happiness community to create more happiness and less unhappiness in the world and I think that sleep is a foundation for us to do that both individually and together, Nina, so thank you. you for reminding us both of the importance of sleep, but also how we can feel more secure in our lives, in our bodies, and in our sleep patterns, so we come back to you for a final thought, what would you like to leave us with as a last guy? from today's message, yes, an incredible amount of gratitude, Mark, for the opportunity to come and speak with you and your community.

It's been absolutely wonderful and I have to say that I feel very, very safe and stable right now, which is a testament to your community and You, um, and I would also say that sleep is very important, but fundamentally good sleep is about live well, live well, I think it's about loving well, so it's simple from the moment you wake up, make Living Well make good decisions and that will carry you through the day and you will rest well tonight, so many Thanks for the opportunity and maybe I'll see you again. No, it has been an absolute pleasure.

Thanks for all your knowledge. Keep up the great work and to all of you wherever you are. the world uh I hope you feel safe and I hope you sleep well and thank you for being part of the AC of Happiness Community see you again and see you soon narina thank you mark thank you all