Little Orphan Cassidy - SNL

I SURELY WILL, MRS. MEDDLESON. UH HUH. SEE YOU SOON. WELL, MA'AM. PIPPENSTUFF, WHAT DID HE SAY? THAT SHE AND MR. MEDDLESON THINKS YOU'RE A LOVELY GIRL, BUT -- THEY DON'T WANT TO ADOPT ME, RIGHT? NO, HONEY. I'M AFRAID NOT. TO BED, GIRLS. IT'S LATE. CASSIDY, IF I WERE OLDER, SHE WOULD ADOPT YOU. THANK YOU AMEILA. GOOD NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT. Ah, sir. LUNA, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, CASSIDY? I mean, sometimes I feel like no one loves me. ♪ WHAT IS ABOUT ME THAT THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND, WHAT IS ABOUT ME THAT THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND ♪ ♪ OH, WHAT IS WHAT MAKES ME NEVER BE ADOPTED, OH, WHAT IS ABOUT ME ♪ UP, CASSIDY.

I THINK YOU ARE PERFECT. ♪ IT'S BECAUSE OF MY HAIR ♪ IT'S BEAUTIFUL. ♪ IT'S BECAUSE OF MY LAUGH ♪ THAT'S CUTE! ♪ IT'S BECAUSE I LOVE TOO MUCH ♪ IT'S NOT A CHANCE! ♪ IT'S BECAUSE OF MY CLOTHES ♪ YOU HAVE STYLE. ♪ IS IT BECAUSE I'M 26 YEARS OLD? WAIT, WHAT? ♪ NO, THAT CAN'T BE ♪ THAT COULD BE. YOU SAID YOU ARE 26 YEARS OLD? WELL, 26 AND 18 MONTHS. THEN 27. YOU'RE 27 YEARS OLD. AND STILL ORPHAN. ♪ WHY I DON'T FEEL LIKE THE OTHER GIRLS ♪ BECAUSE YOU'RE OLD! ♪ THERE IS A FAMILY FOR ME ON THIS EARTH ♪ HONESTLY, YOU ARE OLD ENOUGH TO START YOUR OWN FAMILY. ♪ I WILL FIND PARENTS ALL OVER THIS FLAT EARTH ♪ OH, NO.

OH NO ♪ ARE THEY SOMEWHERE ON THIS EARTH THAT IS DEFINITELY FLAT ♪ YOU ARE DUMB TOO? ♪ SO WHAT, I BITE A GIRL LAST WEEK STRAIGHT TO THE BONE ♪ THE BONE? ♪ AND YES, I HAVE $600,000 IN STUDENT LOANS ♪ DID YOU GO TO COLLEGE? YES. ♪ BUT I WAS THE ONE WHO ATE THE BAT IN WUHAN, CHINA ♪ DID YOU START COVID? ♪ AND YES, I WRITE SHORT STORIES WHERE I HAVE SEX WITH MONSTERS IN A DUNGEON ♪ PLEASE STOP. ♪ JUST RESTING TO HAVE SEX WITH GAY GARGOYLS AS IF IT'S MY JOB ♪ STOP. ♪ OH WHAT'S SO HARD TO LOVE ABOUT ME ♪ I THINK WE'RE RUNNING IN TO SOME POSSIBLE PROBLEMS HERE.

HEY, CASSIDY, BABY, HAVE YOU ADOPTED YET? NOT YET, PUTTY. DAMN. SORRY. WHO IS THAT? IS THAT YOUR BOYFRIEND OR SOMETHING? YES, MAN. I'm putty, man. I AM 49 AND 30 MONTHS. THEN YOU'RE 51. WITHOUT A DOUBT. BUT CASS, BABY, YOU GOTTA GET ADOPTED, GIRL. REMEMBER THE PLAN. WAIT. THE PLAN? She that SOUNDS SO GRIM. WHAT PLAN? I TELL YOU EVERYTHING, DUMB MOON. ♪ STEP ONE, WHILE MY NEW DAD SLEEPS, I MAKE A MOLD OF HER TEETH, YES ♪ ♪ STEP TWO, I PUT HER TEETH TO PUTTY - STOP SINGING! FOR. DON'T CALL ME DUMB LUNA, okay? MY CONCERNS ARE VERY VALID. DO YOU HAVE ANY SHADY PLAN WITH YOUR 51 YEAR OLD BOYFRIEND PUTTY NAMES?

GOOD. WELL. FACTS. I KNOW I AM YOUR IMAGINARY FRIEND, BUT I CAN'T GO OUT WITH YOU ANYMORE. I'M SORRY. OH, LORD. LUNA, MR. MOON! OH WELL, AT LEAST I HAVE MY REAL FRIENDS. OUT! ♪OH, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME♪ YOU ARE A BAD PERSON.