Comedians "FUNNIEST COMEBACKS"

When is the comedy that says if you want my return you'll have to scrape it off your mother's teeth? That's how bad I was at sex the first time I had sex. Why did you try to do it? Find it, don't wait, man, it's great, be prejudiced this summer if I take us out right now, but the most annoying thing that happens to me is when I prepare a joke almost to the punchline and someone says, it's all invariably the same. So it's where is Ireland? Where is erlang? Not my style Bet Noir. It is a bit disgusting.

Where's Ellen? She is in your house. Your father. You've admitted that you're lazy. I think you've read six books in your life. I read. six six what kind of woman would be attracted to you? Do you think well, I have a lot of money? Honestly, I don't think so. I mean, she lost a hat, right, yeah, and then you responded, is that her with a red hat band? Yes, I don't think so. None of this makes sense, yeah it's a generational thing I guess, well what is it now? I'll tell you what's great about the Internet and being an Internet sensation on YouTube now, everyone you know, uh, uh, I don't know if.

Do you remember but there is fame? And have you ever heard that Andy Williams quote? In the future, everyone will be famous for 25 minutes. Yes, I think it was Andy Warhol. Andy Williams was Moon River. Oh, and he wrote, "Well, you're Jewish, that's Kevin Bacon." What does that have to do with what you think your name is? I figured he's bacon and that's the separate thing. What is this? A Nazi film. What are the Jews to do? Heather tonight. It is black. Did I do something big with it? No, you're pretty rock and roll and the countdown isn't how would you make this show more, cooler, different host, is this movie coming out, yeah, title indeterminate at the moment, chairman of the board, oh okay , do something with that, I bet the board?

He wrote a-r-e-d I'm done with my cold I'm making you change it This isn't Johnny Carson I look like a pig I still owe you all my money Is she an annoying problem Howard Ann Are you more interesting than you look? Tell me if there's anything interesting about your work, absolutely no, no, it's interesting to me, but I'm sure you're probably overlooking it, okay? why did doris um doris uh, when you missed the question, did it take longer than necessary? always very fast you are hard on some things yes and on other things I like to take my time you know what I mean I have no idea what you mean somehow I don't doubt you go home get up how is my mom?

I beg your pardon, I'll slap you in the mouth with my cock, Norma, thanks for dressing up, Sarah, listen, man, uh, congratulations, that's the hundredth time that joke has been made tonight, uh, Michelle, do you know who we are? no, I thought uh when I saw it I thought maybe Benedict Cumberbatch had been in a terrible accident. You know, I saw that casino movie. I read the book. I saw the movie. I thought it was very entertaining and you know. The real story is based on truth. It certainly is. Yeah. I looked at the movie I haven't found my aunt since I did it, no, and I looked at the movie and you're barely in that damn thing, thanks Dave, now I mean I'm in it for the whole movie. but of course you didn't see that it was 7.50 and you don't go that's why no of course no I'm not in fact I'll tell you another way I carry money that's what you think oh I definitely brought money and and I and I tell you very honestly that I have been happily married for 30 years but sharon stone has it for me you guys are saying sharon stone has some kind of gastrointestinal problem for you guys yeah I love it I lost you know what the latest thing yeah I'm obsessed with the show yeah yeah I still do I'm watching, I see it, uh, I see it in the link, yeah, you have it running on the computer, where you can see it as an edit, you can see them one after the other, so I don't have there's no suspense you know yeah you probably saw a lot six Do you think I'm 80 years old? no, you'd probably watch the show, although I did, I watched it during, so it must be incredibly frustrating, no, it wasn't why.

Would you say that? Well, because I couldn't wait 30 seconds to watch each DVD. Sometimes it's better to space things out and discuss it with your friends, talk a little about what happened and then you have to wait. a week and you know it's delayed gratification yeah, I guess so, yeah, yeah, that's the fun thing about a book club, but your Christian background is part of the program, yeah, and I wanted to talk to you about Jesus after, well, It's not the only one. Which is why I brought it up, but some people thought maybe you went too far, you know, they thought maybe you were being disrespectful to the Christian religion.

I'm telling you you need to Google it, oh my god, he did that too. You feel like you would be disrespectful or you were just having fun with some of the crucifixes and stuff like that, I don't even know what I'm talking about, maybe we made two jokes about that, yeah, exactly, don't you think the Catholic church? went a little too far further than my cartoon, okay, listen to a couple of jokes, I know this is a morning show, you can't mention all those crimes, you know, they just kept moving them, you know, like those killer whales. in Sea World, after he kills a trainer, he is transferred to Seattle.

They don't give them their background. Okay, I don't quite follow you, but I don't think you know what I'm talking about. It's a morning. show I understand that kid missed graduation and then it was a feel good story and we want to leave if you want to feel good about America you watch the morning shows you don't watch this you know and a joke before if that The kid's story about graduation was late at night, that would have been a completely different story. What do you think is still missing? We can't find it. All we found was his hat, but you see it in the morning.

It's great, everything went well. He got the hat from him. own personal grading like I'm in a really good mood look how yellow this couch is it's like the sun wow thing where did the term comet come from by the way ah a derogatory term for Jews I know where that came from where is it when that When people used to come, you know, on the Ellis Island ships, a lot of people couldn't write in English, so they used to leave their mark and the Jews' mark was a circle and the circle is called a cycle, so that's it. what they were just showing it to the guys here's another kite once they saw the circle you know where it came from originally there was a black guy who was a Jesus he was being real and someone said what and that's where it started. a feeling, yeah, he's like that, look at him, it wasn't the sound of a word, it came out like just the guy was being such that he made someone say the word, oh my god, we're learning about derogatory terms and where it really came from wow it's history it's a very good history lesson that I never knew