4 Words That Kill Connection | Marc Jacobson | TEDxDerryLondonderryStudio

At the end of this talk, we will reveal

words

and ways of communicating that can potentially change your life, your relationships, and your ability to connect with people others would never have thought possible. Our business is built on

connection

and our research has uncovered these lessons by removing four simple

words

from your vocabulary and injecting their antidotes will allow people to feel more connected to you. I would like everyone to close their eyes for a second. Imagine lying on a cold metal table without pain an hour after the doctor gives you a 50 50 chance of surviving surgery or a 50 50 chance of never walking again, what would you promise to overcome those odds and, Most importantly, if you survive the surgery and are able to walk again, what would you like your life to be like in the future? eyes eight years ago, after lying on a cold metal table, these questions were upon me, it all started when turning right on red, I was suddenly hit from behind by an older driver, she just didn't stop, no As far as I knew, this accident had lit a fuse, a search, a journey to create a

connection

with people I had never had before.

A week later, he couldn't lift his left arm. Physical therapy didn't work and my night turned into a visit to the emergency room. The orthopedic doctor says it's good news that your shoulder is gone. It's not broken your MRI is perfect and you need to see a neurologist I told him why I asked He said it's your neck My neck My neck feels great What are you talking about? It's my arm that's paralyzed. He tells me that the best neurologist he knows is about a month long wait, but he will make the call for me. The doctor leaves the room to make the call, which felt like an eternity.

He comes back and says tomorrow at 8 am in his office while a neurologist examines me. The next day I see that fear hits him. eyes, everything is fine doctor, it says we are fine, my spidey sense knows otherwise, it says that all the cervical vertebrae in your neck, three to seven, are not fine, let's put you through a cat scan right away. The next phone call confirms my fears. He tells me to drive. To the hospital as soon as I can and as I drove my head was spinning fearing I would never be the same after this.

As I walk into the hospital, they immediately take me back with my left arm paralyzed and a brave smile on my face. Hoping for the best as they put an unexpected collar on me, the doctor says there is a 50 50 chance that you won't survive this operation and a 50 50 chance that you will never walk again, I said in a defensive voice, but doctor, there is no pain, says. I know, but cat scanners never lie, the world suddenly turns gray and my body goes numb knowing this could be the last thing I do. I grab my phone and text my two young children my thoughts and wishes for them. surgery faster than I could understand I entered the operating room and placed myself on a cold metal table the next few minutes were visions of the people I wanted in my life and the ones I needed to escape from my mind had never been as clear as my thoughts in The last few minutes were so clear and so focused that if I survived this I knew things were going to be different.

The next thing I remember is hearing my name called after nine hours of surgery. I can barely concentrate. I am alive? I am dreaming? I listen to Mark Wake. Upstairs now you have four titanium bars eight titanium screws and four cadaver bones in your neck everything felt like a slow motion movie the doctor asked me to lift my left arm no problem with that I can feel it he says great before I get excited he says Something I hope you never hear, Mark, would you like to see if I could come in with the most obsequious voice I've ever uttered?

I said I would really listen to his orders my legs start to wobble and I'm not walking well but I'm standing he says great put it down this is the part I will never forget I want to share with you today the doctor tells me four things and the fourth lives with me every day. days one you are the luckiest person I have ever met two you shouldn't be alive, three you have my best job and four you have a higher purpose. I was stuck in bed for a long time, during this time there was a lot of isolation and I lost connection with so many people.

That had taken me years and years to develop for the first time in my life. I realized that I could now do what I wanted to do instead of what I had to do. It wasn't long before I became obsessed with connection and words. that

kill

it and its antidotes brought me to this experience whether it be personal business or friendship there are four words that

kill

connection and four antidotes that create connection this may allow each of you to connect with people you would never have thought of dealing with With you, for example, have you ever spent an hour with someone?

You thought you had a great connection with that person and they never called you back. What's going on here? Let's explore this further. What does it take to create a connection? And more importantly, how can we understand how four simplexes work? Words can unlock something you may have thought about since you were a child. These words are common words that possess a power that we do not think about. The results were fascinating to me and I want to share them with you, so let's get to it. We've all been out to dinner with friends and heard a person say the i word too many times.

I did this. I did this. I walk in here thinking, "Oh my God, there's enough tequila in the room to take all the pain out of this conversation." promising not to see them again until the ringing in your ear stops this is a reaction to the word i next time you hear a speech check how many times a person says i and then check your feelings about the speech it will surprise you. my opinion, if we replace i with my we or are, there is a big difference in how differently they perceive you. Let me give you an example of the difference next time you are out with people, try using my opinion, do we believe or is it ours? feelings, this will always prevail, I think I believe or feel that the more you say the Irish word the worse the connection will be, I need to be replaced by my we or we are the next word of death and probably the most used word is when I walk into a department store .

Can I help you? The normal reaction is no, I'm fine, that's because the brain senses how I look. I need help. In fact, we suggest to everyone that the only people who really need help are those who are choking after walking into a popular chain store. The person says welcome to how can I help you? I asked the person that our team is doing a study and needs her support. He says sure. I ask her how many people answer her question. She says maybe not many. one in 20 I said, wow, how about we change this word?

Well, I'm not really sure about the company policy. What is the word I explained to you? It would be a great support for our work. He says he will do this when no one is there. I return three days later huddled over a cup of coffee at the front of the store waiting for him, he sits with a bewildered face and tells me that approximately 120 responded to the word help, however, more than 15 out of 20 responded to the substitution. from a simple word he says now he has a problem I said what is that now I have to know all these things sad we change a word and listen to how it sounds welcome to how can I support what you are looking for the power to unlock your The ability to connect is within reach just a few words away if you understand how the supporting parts of the connection in the brain are unlocked.

Help must be replaced by support. Success is the next word. In my opinion, there are literally thousands and thousands, if not millions, of books on success. is unactionable and the most overworked word Am I successful? You are successful? Who knows? However, if we substitute a word something fascinating happens, everyone in this room can understand this word potential, specifically your potential, living your potential is like looking in a mirror that you see and somehow you can hold yourself accountable and who better to do it than you. The good thing about potential is that it can grow. Think about it this way.

You will be successful if you achieve your goals. We've all heard this by the show of hands. Someone? Have you ever hit an annual goal in September and slipped the rest of the year exactly? Success is measurable. The potential is immeasurable. Let me give you my favorite example. Watching the Special Olympics, I saw a person fall and crawl 20 yards to the finish line, most people would have done that. she said she was successful because she competed in the special olympics for me she lived her potential because she finished the race that no one thought possible including me this day your potential is what success never thought to ask for success must be replaced by potential last word and the one that everyone cringes after hearing it better, but let me give you an example of this.

Have you ever been screened and heard wonderful things about yourself and then you hear this word that literally kills everything good you just heard? and it gives you chills the word is but nothing good comes after the word but if we replace but with its antidotes the results are absolutely incredible the great book from the second city comedy club called yes and it talks about adding the word and instead of the word, but it shows a dramatic improvement not only in creativity but also in collaboration, all the really important components of connection, as an example, you did this right, you did this right, you did this right, you all know what's coming, but You and your boss are having problems, believe me.

They took 34 minutes out of my life when I did this at an annual review. All I heard is how I got the story wrong, it was her, it was him, and over and over they sound familiar to anyone, you just remember and think about it. word after word, but another example is: have you ever heard someone say that they are very kind but nothing good comes? What happens if we replace butt with the word and listen to how it sounds? You did this right, you did this right, you did this right and If you and your boss could solve your problems, you would probably get a big promotion and create a connection every time like clockwork in a big company.

Our team was asked to consult, they asked me to work with their best sellers, we told them. what we were thinking a little differently than they expected we wanted to work with people in the sales department who were not performing the roles of the people who were thinking about letting go a room of puzzled faces asked me why we would want to do something like that we told them That we wanted to show them that it was their training program and the words they were using and not their salespeople while heads turned like a dog upon hearing a strange sound, we offered to double our consulting fee if our operation could take one person of their election from last place to number one position in 12 months.

I'm very proud to say that this person went from a million dollars in sales to 18 million dollars in sales 18 times 18 times in the midst of greed. environment someone paid for plane tickets in advance we had nothing to do with their results we simply support their potential the yes but it needs to be replaced by the yes and the four words of death are like a can of raid they kill on contact the four antidotes can create connection and allow your ability to unlock your potential the four words of death and their antidotes in this painting I need to be replaced by my it is good, we are better and ours is better help should be replaced with support success should be replaced with potential but needs to be placed and while this may seem simple, you may need adult supervision in the process to hold yourself accountable in the spirit of my grandmother who once told me that pulling back to propel others forward can be the most rewarding thing you can do, it's good to be alive and here today in many ways, thank you.