F*@#ing Matt Damon

I know very well, um, how about when we first went out and I'm very conscious because I'm very hairy and um, I didn't shave my arm, so I'm not really okay, yeah, no, but um, I'm very I have the very thick black hair and I was always aware of that gratitude and I remember you said you liked it because you felt that meant I had more, you said it meant I had more testosterone and that's why I like sex and I'm romantic that's what I was thinking because I hadn't thought about it I thought about it today and you know what you would love What Men really what do you mean by that I would love men and now I'm thinking about sorry I'm thinking about the surprise and I had so much fun actually just thinking about our good moments that now I am discouraged by surprise, what do you mean you are discouraged? about the surprise, he broke, this is a good thing, no, so there's a big surprise, he doesn't know what it is and I haven't told it in a long time because it was actually something I did in October, uhhuh, obviously, before. the strike, this is my first time, something you did, strike and um, so I liked it, I thought we were in a certain place and there were things that I hadn't told you and I thought you know what I'm going to tell you. him for his birthday show, well, the birthday show never came, oh, so this seemed like the next appropriate place, although it's not quite an appropriate place, but you know me.

I guess there's nothing more to say, but I don't know to whom. talk to I don't know the director D I only know the people above the line oh Joe, yeah no he's not in this room though yeah well I'm just talking to uh I don't know how it works okay , who. Do you need there like a clip? Roll up the clip. Roll up the clip. Oh, it's a clip. Hi Jimmy, it's me. I'm in a hotel. I don't know. I've been traveling so long. I don't even know what city. To be honest, I'm already in.

I've been thinking about you a lot and I've been needing to tell you something. I don't know why I didn't do it, but it's important. I mean, we've been together for SO long, over 5 years and I still haven't told you and it's just not right, so here goes. I'm Matt Damon, this is Mt Damon. I'm sorry, but I'm angry. Dam, she's mad, Damon. I'm not imagining it. you in bed on the floor on a towel by the door in the bathtub in front of them while you drink diet S I said I'm she said she's my Damon hey Kimmel how do you like apples?

Get it, it's like because I mean her breasts, yeah, it's funny, hey, Jim, don't take this the wrong way, remember all the good times we had, like when we went fishing and caught a bunch of fish and then you threw up in the but bucket of fish that Now we haven't caught who's knocking on my door. I am, I am who I am, she and you know I'm lying, she is Matt Damon and O'ri is true. The Insider confirmed that she is, in fact, Matt Damon last week when I was playing Scrabble with you online I was Matt Damon you flew around like an idiot to do your show and Regis and Kelly show that she was definitely mad DAV when I told you I was mad Damon I was M Damon on the B on the floor in the trailer in a tub at the bar Cari she M Dam so that's it um I think it was clear you did great oh it was good pretty good um anyway um you know we had a great run Jim and uh I hope there are no hard feelings I hope we can be friends.

I'm friends with all my boyfriends, my old boyfriends, so if something is unclear, you need closure of some kind, please call my publicist, I'm V in BN, so take care, you know what to stop, right? There Jimmy, we're out of time, sorry, you're so mean a little. Let's put down the guitar and go. M Dam, see you Jimmy, um, oh yeah, well, congratulations, thanks, he was the sexiest man on People, let's take a break right now. and we will be back with Sarah Silverman