Panicked Trump Stoops to Selling Bibles, Calls Biden “Buden,” Hit with Gag Order: A Closer Look

-Donald Trump is so desperate for cash while drowning in legal bills that he is now

selling

Bibles, while simultaneously receiving a gag

order

in his criminal case for paying hush money to a porn star. To learn more about this, it's time for "A Closer Look." Donald Trump will become the first former president to face a criminal trial in less than three weeks, so he obviously has his hands full. In fact, he's so busy that he apparently doesn't have time for things like proofreading or spellchecking. -In a post on Truth Social, Trump wrote, quote: "I'm not running to end the ACA like corrupt Joe Buden misinforms and disinforms all the time.

In other words, make the ACA much, much better by far." less money or cost to our most important American citizens MAGA2024.” -Damn, he posted that while he was on a trampoline? "Is he sure he wants... he doesn't want to start writing, sir?" -"No, bouncing helps me think!" Yes, he wrote "Buden" and "grest." And if he believes that either of the two things is right, he "distrusts" again. How can you get the current president's name wrong when you're running against him? There are places where, if you make a mistake, you spend the rest of the night tied to a stretcher.

Also, what the hell is “misinforming and disinforming”? Is that what you call your friends? These are my companions, Uninformed and Uninformed. One of them likes you to break his balls and the other will throw you out of a window. And by the way, that post is still up at the time of this recording, which means he either doesn't know, he doesn't care, or he knows his followers don't care. And on that point, he's definitely right. Imagine if that was the breaking point for a Trump supporter. "Dave, why are you burning your MAGA hat?" "Because the man can't spell, Deborah!" "You can't make America great if you can't even write well!" That's definitely how he would do it.

A lonely match. Just a loner... That's too cute a sweater and beard! However, it would make sense if Trump thought Grest was a combination of the best and the best. I can't wait to see that at his rallies. Also, let me say that "Joe Buden" would be a good nickname for Biden if he decided to start smoking marijuana to appeal to young voters. I just received some tasty buds from my distributor. It is not a joke. It is not a joke. Do you mind if I roll a big joint? The chronicle is humid. I'm not kidding.

He's making me want to eat. So Trump is wasting precious time on typo-ridden rants on social media, even though he is about to become the first former president to face a criminal trial. And now he is also the first former president to be placed under a gag

order

in a criminal trial. -A New York judge overseeing Donald Trump's upcoming hush money criminal trial has placed a gag order on the former president. -Donald Trump has been, for approximately an hour, under a gag order in the criminal case initiated by the Manhattan district attorney. him alleging a cover-up of hush money payments.

New York Judge Juan Merchán prohibited Trump from attacking or ordering others to attack potential witnesses, jurors, prosecutors and court staff. -Telling Donald Trump that he can't attack people is like telling him that he can't breathe. Honestly, he'd probably stop breathing before he stopped attacking people. Crooked Joe wants to send me to jail because he knows I'm going to win. It's a witch hunt. It's so unfair. The corrupt media will tell you I need to take a break, but we don't believe them, right folks? They say, "You're going to pass out from lack of oxygen." Oxygen.

We love oxygen, don't we, friends? The beautiful oxygen... So, the... No, I don't think so. Then, the judge said Trump cannot attack witnesses, jurors, prosecutors or court staff. But he also posted a list of things Trump can continue attacking, including bathrooms, windmills, spell check, dogs, the Oscars, the NFL, teleprompters, horses, whales and Joe Buden, whoever be. Although Trump strangely congratulated one person associated with the case: the judge himself. He wrote in a post on Tuesday...Trump cares so much about appearance that even when he criticizes someone, he can't help but admit when he

look

s good. And let's face it, the guy is very distinguished

look

ing.

Look at that guy. I can't believe Dick Wolf hasn't poached this guy yet. Now, we should note that Trump is still allowed to comment on the case and on the elected district attorney, Alvin Bragg, who brought the charges. He is simply not allowed to attack or intimidate witnesses or individuals carrying out his work. Which, if you're Sean Hannity, means we live in Soviet Russia. -Now Trump can't even speak in his own defense. He cannot defend himself from the political attacks arising from the accusations. Of course, these are conveniently broadcast in the middle of an election. Um, I thought we lived in the United States of America.

I thought we celebrated freedom of speech. Is this still America? -I do not know, man. A desperately uninformed TV personality who looks like a steakhouse host is making about $30 million a year for complaining on Fox News every night. Sounds like the United States to me. None of that is true, of course. Trump is still allowed to defend himself. He is also still allowed to sell bullish products in a desperate attempt to raise money, possibly the most American thing to do. On Tuesday, he released a commercial for what is possibly his biggest cash grab yet. -Tonight, Donald Trump, facing mounting legal bills, now reveals that he sells Bibles and charges $59.99 per Bible.

This is a license agreement. Trump will collect royalties, meaning that part of the profits from Bible sales will go directly to Trump. -Every American needs a Bible in their home, and I have many. It's my favorite book. It is the favorite book of many people. This Bible is a reminder that the most important thing we have to take back America and make America great again is our religion. Religion is very important. It is so needed. But he will come back and he will come back strong, just as our country will come back strong. I am proud to endorse and encourage you to get this Bible.

We must make America pray again. Pray, educate yourself, motivate yourself, and join me and the legions of Americans in asking God to bless our great nation, bring it back, and make America great again. -Yes, the guy who is about to go to trial for paying money to hide an affair with a porn star is

selling

Bibles. And since it's a Trump Bible, most of the Ten Commandments are crossed out. Side note: this is a true story. When our lead "Closer Look" writer, Sal, sends out the first draft, he has a brief headline about what he covers.

And today it was "Gag, Bibles", meaning the gag order and Bibles. But I read it without the comma and thought it was "Gag Bibles," which would have made a lot more sense. If Trump were selling Bibles that turned out a bunch of snakes when you opened them, you'd say, "Oh, that's good. That's a funny thing he should sell." Beware of a Trump Bible! It will frighten the pious. Trump has already sold colognes, digital trading cards and gold shoes. He now he's selling a Bible. Whats Next? I'm proud to announce the Trump-approved God Bless the USA toilet plunger.

As you can see, there is a beautiful white plastic handle. Comes with a solid gold background. You can see the background. You can't see it, but I assure you it's there. Here. I'll give you a quick look. There you go. You can say. You can tell it's solid gold by the sound it makes on the desk. A little late. A little late with the sound effect. Call now and purchase the Patriot Plunger for the very reasonable price of $199. You will receive a free roll of MAGA toilet paper. There are 45 layers, in honor of me, his 45th favorite president.

It's like wiping your ass with a book, which I've done. I won't say which book, but let's say it's my favorite. Call now to get all these great products and more at... The Trump campaign is not... Here we go. Trump's campaign is by no means a true political campaign. It's a money-making venture and an attempt to get out of jail. That's all. It is very evident that he does not care about making America great again. At best, he's trying to... -Make America... -Grest. -...again. -This has been "A

closer

look." Or not.