My tips on how to survive the apocolypse

Hey, global warming is starting to slightly change the world around us, like this fire that lightly toasted this rainforest that used to be here for 10 million years and you know what I think, I think it might actually be a good thing. but some of you don't agree, can you point your dirty, ugly fingers at the lovely small businesses and countries that are innocently borrowing resources from the soil by transforming them into amazing products that are very necessary for our lives and yes, in the process are these small amounts? of harmless gas into the atmosphere that slightly turns up the earth's thermostat, but what are they supposed to do?

Stop, no, could you personally tell this cute little man to stop turning up the thermostat? Could you tell little Bobby? I know. I couldn't and I also like my koalas crunchy, my seals slippery and my kids using cobalt for cars in the Congo. Thank you very much, it teaches you discipline and besides I have a better solution: we let the global warming-driven apocalypse happen. and we also let an Australian youtuber who knows nothing about survival teach the entire planet how to

survive

. It's a win-win situation for me and Bobby, so the pre-apocalypse games have begun and it's getting hot.

Some of the first things we must do are our own. Normal food suppliers, supermarkets, grocery stores and machers have melted and people all over the world are starting to get scared, except the Russians, since in their country there is finally a comfortable temperature, so what are you going to do? The first step is to follow survival expert Nelly's advice and take off. all your clothes I'm getting so horny that I'm going to take off my clothes and then you should probably start using the enormous amounts of waste created by our ancestors to

survive

. You know, some people say it's a bad thing that we've covered the earth with plastic that takes hundreds of thousands of years to decompose, but it's actually quite convenient, it means that wherever you look inside this bird, a blue whale or even in the bottom of the Mariana Trench, you can always find useful plastic and with the right units of knowledge, you will discover that you can do much more with plastic bottles than just making bongs, so this first life tip comes from the Russian youtuber Advocaat Makes, who loves jumping on chairs as much as I do and created a pretty cool tool that lets you turn plastic bottles into ropes.

Now I'm going to make a simplified version of the device out of it, since I'm a simple man and all you'll need for mine is a wooden board and a pocketknife. Now this will just work. If you buy a razor that aligns exactly with your sexual orientation, like Gillette's Fusion Five Pro Shield for men or the Intuition Fab razor for women who want heavenly skin, I was a little unsure, but then I picked up the most popular, Gillette's Turbo Mach3 razor. I'm a man who likes to shave faster than the speed of sound. Now all you have to do is place your piece of wood and make a kind of groove in the surface, then make another cut here and put your sexually correct knife in and this groove here will be the width. of the plastic rope and you're done skiing so I need some bottles so I went to my local dump to pick them up and then once you have your bottle you take it and thread it and grab the little bit that's sticking out and you're done , an endless rope, so keep pulling it until it runs out and you can survive a lot with this rope, for example, all you need is the tab of a can and you can make a fishing line and hook and another great thing about this bottle rope is that it shrinks when heated creating a super strong grip which is great if you're bad at tying knots like me and you're probably thinking that's stupid, what are you going to do with that as surely would you do it?

There won't be any fish left in this post-apocalyptic world full of plastic and pollution and you're largely right, but there are still some hardier species of fish left. Good day of American fishing and this is just the beginning of the things you can think about. a bottle of soy sauce floating in a stream wrong, it is the string for a bow and arrow I think this is a bottle that children use to sew under the train tracks wrong, it is a bowler not to be confused with the Ebola 7up bottle bad, it's a week that allows You to become a lady of the night who seduces other survivors for money and then if they tip badly, you can go to them with the same rope and steal from their suppliers, like this that now we are really getting into the apocalypse.

Bobby Elon Musk and other billionaires. They've gone in their spaceships to terraform other planets and then destroy them and the rest of us' plans are stuck here and we've decided to wear scarves and makeup causing society to completely collapse, which means there's no electricity or running water and the most important. No more YouTube, but none of that matters since I watched a video on how to cut out a train before the Internet crashed and I know how to make a straw that allows you to drink water from even the wettest puddles. Also, don't confuse the straw with the Nestlé one. drinking chocolate straws.

I've tried them to filter water, but it turns out that cola-flavored chocolate is still bad for you, so all you need to make my life with straws is some kind of tube and some kind of charcoal. I pulled mine out from under the pillow. from the Australian Prime Minister, but you can get yours anywhere in the burnt landscape, then sand the rocks and someone's pants, then all you have to do is put the cloth on one end, fill about half the tube with charcoal and the rest with sand and stones. and then place the cloth on the other end to close it and the idea here is that when the water passes over the charcoal the little holes in the charcoal capture all the bacteria in the liquid.

I wait and now you are ready to drink. Test how well it works. I'm going to compare it to a real life straw and by real I mean a cheap Chinese imitation that I bought on eBay that is so good that it eliminates 99.99999% of bacteria or 99.9% of bacteria. I'm not sure which one you're talking about hello. I'm here today to drink my own pee and one of the first warnings on the package is not to use this to drink your own pee, so instead we'll use other people's. clinks better there even maybe you're used to yours, you know, definitely not, I haven't drank mine since I was eight, you drank it, yeah, when I was eight, okay, I did the same thing, not really, I was. like six six I'll go first or I don't know I haven't been scared I'm going to I can't get anything out of this why your type of candy is black they're drinking but why your candy Did you add sugar to it?

I told you I went out last night nothing nothing really I'm completely dry what does that mean mines have a better life strong this one doesn't even work well I'd be dead you can't shake pee everywhere does it work? stop shaking in every way God, stop shaking in the microphone. I don't understand when I drink it, but when I shake it it starts peeing, stop shaking me, it tastes bad that you have a perpetual clean water machine, you just think. You pick it up and then you drink it and then you pick it up again and then you drink it again and you have endless water, how did Bill Gates not think of this?

Yes, the Earth is truly at its end times. The atmosphere has more greenhouse gases than air, which causes globalization. Temperatures have risen so much that forest fires have broken out around the world. All the trees in Australia have burned, which has brought Koala a lot of joy. I'm making up any of these facts about art, so I put a bunch of sources below that I know most of you won't read, but they make me sound smart, so yeah, and all these dead trees mean there's nothing to do . We photosynthesize and produce all the oxygen, which in my opinion is one of the tastiest gases in the world.

My family makes sure to eat at least once a day, but it turns out we don't need trees since we can create our own. oxygen supply, all you need is bleach and hydrogen peroxide. Now be careful when purchasing hydrogen peroxide as it is a great way to get put on a safety watch list, so what I usually like to do is when I get home from shopping. youtube and watch a bunch of hair dyeing tutorials or something just to get them off my case, so now I need to make some delicious oxygen: mix the bleach and hydrogen peroxide in a bottle with a balloon on top and yes Trust me, yes you should.

I'm no chemist, but I tried making Shabs once after watching Breaking Bad, but I gave up and ended up selling some sugar and food coloring, and Tony, if you're watching, I won't refund you what you bought. You pretended you were high, it's your fault, okay, that's not up to me, so a great way to find out that the gas that forms from this reaction is actually oxygen is because it fills this balloon that I wrote Oh. and it also turns back on. you know that's pretty awesome so you just tie up your balloon and you have a small portable oxygen container enough to last your body for about 30 seconds so you only need to make a couple of these and you have a nice and convenient way to carry oxygen With you wherever you go now you are more prepared for the apocalypse than the most veteran festival attendee and there you have it if you follow these three life

tips

that guarantee one hundred percent your survival during global warming Apocalypse means that we must ignore what scientists have to say and continue on our current path of global destruction since after all I have proven that we are a strong and independent species that does not need any other form of life to feel good about ourselves or to survive disclaimer Survival is not guaranteed in any of these coastal or low-lying countries.

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