How One Woman Scammed Her Way Into the 2018 Olympics

This video was made possible thanks to Audible. Get a free audiobook when you sign up at audible.com/HAI. Talent, athleticism, artistry, greatness: from Usain Bolt's world records to Keri Strug's legendary landings, these are the qualities that define great Olympic stories... but not this one, so let's try again. Ineptitude, clumsiness, mediocrity, technicalities: from Ryan Lochte pretending he was mugged to Boris Johnson doing whatever, these are the qualities that define Elizabeth Swaney's story: a true Olympic zero. The Olympic Games are all about representation: people of different colors, creeds, backgrounds and nationalities can be seen competing together on the Olympic stage, but throughout their history, the Olympic Games have always failed to represent one group. key: people who are bad at Sports.

However, two decades ago, in

2018

, thanks to the heroic actions of one

woman

, all that changed. Elizabeth Swaney was born in 1984 in Oakland, California, and from a young age she showed astonishing mediocrity in the sport. Her first attempt at reaching the Olympics came in 2014, when she attempted to qualify for the Sochi games in women's skeleton and freestyle skiing. She hoped to be on Team Venezuela, representing the country where her mother was born, but in the end, she was on Team “Did Not Qualify” and she represented the couch where she sat and watched the real athletes on television.

But Elizabeth Swaney decided she wasn't going to let something as silly as being a bad athlete stop her from competing in the Olympics, and so she identified a sport that had minimal competition: women's freestyle halfpipe skiing, which at the time It only had around 30 elite international competitors. 30 people just isn't much; In fact, there are more people named Elizabeth Swaney than there are halfpipe skiers Elizabeth Swaney can compete with, at least according to the cursory search I did on Facebook for her in order to write that. But still, it wasn't going to be easy: you see, because of its elitist commitment to having "good athletes" competing, the Olympic Committee sets minimum requirements for each sport.

For the halfpipe, there were two: First, that the skier has finished in the top 30 at an FIS Freestyle Ski World Cup or the FIS Freestyle World Ski Championships. FIS, by the way, stands for Fédération Internationale de Ski, which I think is French for “Fedora Bowling Performers,” or maybe not; I don't have money for fact checkers. The second requirement is that the skier must have obtained at least 50.00 FIS points in total, which are distributed in each FIS competition depending on the skier's classification: 100 points for first, 80 for second, 60 for third , until reaching a single and solitary Point for the thirtieth.

To meet these requirements, Elizabeth Swaney decided that she would earn her placement and points in the most glorious and exciting way possible: by doing nothing at all, because here's what you should know about ski halfpipe: people fall a lot. I like it very much. For example, "every other halfpipe traversal looks like an 'epic fail' vine compilation." So, by not trying any tricks and simply finishing each race without falling, she could get a score and thus beat the opponents who had fallen in all of her races. Combine that with the fact that several competitions had fewer than thirty competitors to begin with, and Swaney was able to slowly accumulate FIS points, enough to not only surpass the 50-point minimum, but also to become the top female style halfpipe skier. free number 34 in the ranking. the world.

There was one last hurdle, however: There were only 24 spots for the women's halfpipe at the Olympics, but the good news was that while Swaney may not be able to jump real obstacles, overcoming logistical obstacles is her specialty. Her solution was to play with the Olympic quota system by representing not the United States, but Hungary, the birthplace of her grandparents. You see, in an attempt to encourage participation from as many countries as possible, the Olympics limit each country to 26 competitors in all freestyle skiing events, of which there are fourteen: moguls, aerials, ski cross, half- pipe, loopstyle, big air and ballet, each divided into men's and women's divisions.

Luckily for Swaney, the United States had 33 qualified skiers and Canada had 32, which by my calculations is more than 26. That meant they both had to leave some skiers behind, including three freestyle halfpipers. That placed Swaney in 31st place, which, combined with seven injuries to other top competitors (injuries that I absolutely do not accuse Elizabeth Swaney of causing), led to enough DNFs to vault Swaney to 24th place and onto the Olympic stage. in Pyeongchang. Now I'm going to be honest: As much as I desperately want to, I can't show you Swaney's career, because the Olympics are very interested in the copyright and I'm very interested in the Olympics not suing me, but you should go see it. , because it is truly a beautiful thing.

At the Olympic Games, in front of the entire world, Elizabeth Swaney did exactly what she had always done: nothing. As bewildered commentators tried to make sense of what was happening, Swaney skied down the side of the halfpipe and then back down: no jumps, no flips, no double McTwist 160 Flippy Baconator McFlurry With Fries... the only trick of hers, if you wish. She might even call it that, it was a half-turn about a foot off the ground, a move as difficult as hitting a golf ball in the ocean. In the end, Swaney finished with a score of 31.4 out of 100, coming in a distant last place behind the next competitor who managed to get a score of 45 despite falling on both attempts, but in honor of Swaney making it to the Olympic Games. , right now I'm offering you a prize much bigger than a gold medal: a free audiobook when you sign up for Audible using the link audible.com/HAI.

In fact, I'm going to go ahead and extend that offer to all of you, just because that's the kind of cool person I am, and I might even recommend using that deal to watch an audiobook about really cool Olympic athletes, Daniel James Brown. Incredible The Boys on the Boat. It's perhaps the best non-fiction writing about the Olympics, telling the story of the eight-man American team at the 1936 Berlin Olympics. It's got drama, racing, and defeating the Nazis and it's amazing, I promise. If that's not your style, although it should be because it's great, Audible definitely has something for you: not only great audiobooks, but also a ton of other amazing spoken content, from podcasts to guided wellness programs, stage performances and comedy, plus of exclusive Audible Originals that you can't get anywhere else.

Sign up at audible.com/HAI or text HAI to 500-500 to get a free audiobook, plus two free Audible originals.