Kevin Hart's The Big House (Season 1, Episode 2) - Almost Touched By An Angel

yeah, today at school, horrible, some idiot in a mask walked into my history of feminism class, we're nothing but a jockstrap and a t-shirt that says shut up and make trouble, where are people's business? I'll shut up and make myself a sandwich. I'm not hungry. I already ate but I didn't bring a beer. Hey, you're not going to believe this. The boy just got tickets to the Lakers Sixers game on Sunday. Oh, could you get that? Oh, for me, for eternity, guys, not that and all. What I had to do was walk into a class with this shirt and no pants.

I've been trying to get a ticket to this game for months. I can't wait until Sunday. Now all I need is some money for snacks. Would anyone like to contribute? to the United States for a black eye, hot dog fun gave me five dollars because hot dog is a terrible name anyway, you can't go to that game, why don't we go to church on Sundays? Have you forgotten about Catina? It's been 9 Sundays in a row, I mean, according to my Saturday punch card, Sunday is free. Everyone in this family goes to church every Sunday and especially this Sunday because I am running for president of the church board against Shirley Jenkins, who is not. t mom's friend who can't stand the one with the doubtful eye oh yes, what eyes look at you and the others look for you so anyway until the elections, a week from Sunday, this family will be under a intense scrutiny, so you go into church with the rest of us no, it's not fair how come CJ doesn't have to go?

This weekend he will go to Bible Camp. He's going to make me a crucifix out of macaroni. That's sacrilegious. Macaroni is for eating. Tina, come on, help me. Everyone here, I mean I can't be the only one who doesn't want to go to church, we'll all go because if she wins that election, I'll be invited to the poker game Rivers, dad, why do you want to come in? that game because they are good, honest, decent people and I can take them for everything they have, okay? What about you, artha? Come on, isn't that a million angry women's march you'd rather go to?

Hey, look, protest against me. I love going to church, you just need to open your mind, explain your spirituality, the only thing I would like to explore and church that super sexy girl. You don't want the long silky black hair and a killer body to die for and the huge boyfriend. He, I look like you help me, why don't you tell me? Yo, Tina, everyone wants to go to church. I have to go. I'm Chief Usher, also known as the Lord's Bouncer. I have to protect. the Bible, no one steals the Bible from anything, you're afraid, okay, even a family just voted and they decided that I can go to the game instead of church, so we respectfully veto your decision.

Oh well, the same people voted for you. Not living here and they'd tell me seeing you at church is fine, Tina, it's hard to tell with this blinding fever. I'm seeing double. Oh, baby, you're burning just what you'll be in Bill. I was. Stupid enough to fall for this trick, no, I thought she was smart enough to think that this trick was so stupid that no one would be stupid enough to try it, so it must be real, just dress up so you can see the Real double, hey, wait. minute I have a backup plan that I think is a very fair compromise if you let me go to the game I hold this sign up the entire time we leave in five minutes listen as the head of the family it's my job to expose you to religion it's not enough that you already have me exposed to saturated fat in generic shampoo look Catherine if you keep going to church one day soon the spirit will find you.

I pray for that every day that you find deeper meaning and purpose for yourself. your life is fine, but if you continue to force your feet, religion will leave a bad taste in your mouth, the bad taste in your mouth may be because it is not an oral thermometer, here Kevin, you might as well open your heart to this. If you take one step towards God, he will take two steps towards you, why do I have to take the first step? He's got the guy who said good morning, ma'am. Jenkins, how are you on this beautiful and holy day?

Oh, I'm as blessed as any mother could be with the gift of a daughter, she's singing a solo. Oh, while I can't wait for this beautiful Chapel to be filled with her heavenly voice, there is no pentagram. I'm Kevin Hart, you've probably seen me before, no, yeah, I haven't seen you eat, I mean, I used to sit there with my boyfriend Tyrone, oh, you have a boyfriend, so why did you guys break up? We just wanted something different. things like I'd rather watch sports on Sunday than go to church Sports one is praying to finish you have to be rude but I'd like to focus on the service oh no Shawn I think you know that's why we're here for the main event, big guy, welcome, welcome everyone and a very special welcome and thank you to the Jenkins family who donated $50 to the roofer, hallelujah on behalf of the Cleveland family.

I would like to donate to the roofer and also 50 dollars and 25 cents now before We start our own Escalade Jenkins will sing a song that she composed especially for our service. Why couldn't you throw the money at me? That was incredible. She had never seen anyone with a spirit like that. It was so inspiring. Are you trying? to be on my good side, that's this side, by the way, listen, my cousin is getting baptized tomorrow. I would love to go to another baptism. I have attended a Christmas. They know about my father's boat. You guys don't break a bottle of champagne on a child's head, something's wrong, so you haven't been baptized yet, aha, I've still been baptized and I had to learn to swim first, nothing more embarrassing than wearing floaties at your baptism, but I'm ready, you know, that's what Tara used to always say it's next Sunday next Sunday next Sunday I'll get baptized tomorrow really yeah, right after your cousin, you know I was going to use my soul to save up for the price of a coupon oh that's great then I'll see you tomorrow at church oh yeah yeah those were all my points you know my nephew hasn't always been like that oh yeah well I guess not you know with his dad in jail, yes, first, my nephew and I didn't see you.

I know he was lazy and wandered around like a bad person. My friends received a response today. You know, me too. It's like I've been

touched

by an

angel

and if I pray hard enough, I can touch that

angel

. That's quite a display you put on there, boy. you know you look like my sister when she found out that my mother left in a washer and dryer in fact you know which canteen I want to be baptized tomorrow oh you want to be baptized oh tomorrow night tomorrow I have a date with my honey Wanda Shirley receives a conjugal visit to the month since he tried to escape.

It's perfect and then we will have a party for the entire congregation. This election is my blessed VGD. You are still mad at me. Look, Warren, I'm sorry you missed it. your date with Wanda, boy, I'm giving you the silent treatment. Damn, this is an order, you can't be mad at me for my religious beliefs. I mean, you forgave Wanda, she stole Earth's social security number, well, she apologized with sex, okay, but Just this once, gentle Kevin. I guess I can't blame you if you feel that way about going through a baptism. You know what I mean?

Come on, even if I didn't. What is the problem? One sentence with a touch of hair there and it's over, right? You're kidding, you're making a lifelong commitment to God. It's harder to get out than a night contract. So, were you baptized? Yes, my mother made me do it when I was young. Oh, so you didn't really believe in what you were doing. just going through the motions, hell no, she made sure I believed, why I mean, what happens if you get baptized? You don't think, but just out of curiosity, I'll be blasphemous, oh, okay, I mean, I was afraid that maybe you were meat.

It would be sizzling holy water, you know that doesn't happen until you die good night, why are you sure about that? Because, frankly, it doesn't seem like that big of a sin. They have a special room in hell for blessings. It looks like this? one the same but in the version of hell we would be having sex good night Warren just one better question, is it not possible at all? I mean, hypothetically speaking, hell is just a notion created by man to prevent people from sinning, why not? Do you just book nonstop flight 666 to hell and grab some SPF billion sunscreen?

Can we sleep with the lights on because that makes sense? I am so excited that you are finally embracing the Lord if only you felt that a deceased mother could be here to see she would be so proud. Also, it would be another vote for me. All those who should be baptized on this glorious morning, please step forward or, as the Lord says, everyone in the pool, God, it's me, Ken, so it has been. a while you know what sir look, I'm not sure it really exists, but if so, can you please give me a sign?

Hello, where are you going? I bought him a little something to honor the occasion. It's a sign. The sign has a car wash. windshield Jesus is my airbag thank you perfectly with my Virgin Mary air freshener I'll see you later at your

house

good luck thanks for the sign what was that? they are signs from God it really has suction cups attached excuse me Matt, pick your brain for a minute yes I'll get baptized, I'll get this really hot girl, my team will be happy, but if God exists then I'll have what I should do. I'm only doing this because I'm in love with the minister that anyone around here is. going to hell Kevin Hart Kevin Hart Do you accept Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior?

Your path, your light to eternal salvation, and you promise to follow his word now and for all eternity in this life and the next. Can I come back to you? or never, so I'm doing this for the wrong reason. Sorry, it's your baby, no one touches anything with all this in the freezer and it will stay there until the earth marries. How are we going to thaw the sausages from hell that have frozen on the Lord? . hater ah, how is aunt Tina? You know, she just wanted to give him some time to calm down. Am at home.

Oh, well, she doesn't look like that man. You don't know her very well, do you? Yes, this is a calm before the cry. -ass Warren Arthur, could you give us a minute? I'll give you a minute and my Bill look auntie and I just want to tell you that I'm sorry for embarrassing you and hurting your choice, me too if I had gotten into that poker. game I would already own that church every one of these windows would be stained glass Kevin when you said you were getting baptized for the wrong reason I know what the real reason was of course you think I was born yesterday okay look auntie and it wasn't just about the girl, okay, girl, what a girl, um, dad, because we all know that God is a woman, I'm right sister Tina, wait, are you talking about that girl with the killer body that you've been drooling over because she is ?

You have good taste, but the only thing is that she is very religious, so you will have to pretend that she is not, it doesn't matter, that's the reason you embarrassed me in front of all those people for a girl. I thought you did it to make me happy. No, that was it. part of it, but I didn't follow through with it, so Anna didn't think about it well. Yes, you were tempted by sin but redeemed exactly by your sense of ethics and I hope that gives you some comfort as you roast in eternal hell. I'm not going to help because I didn't go ahead with the baptism.

Tella warned me that she is right. You know, if you die before being baptized, you will automatically go to hell. Oh, that's right, my bad dog, why don't you tell me that last bit? night I would have just moved on, you know, let's go back to church right now, that's not how it works, you know, Kevin, I don't understand that your mother was such a deeply religious person, what happened to you, what happened to me. well let's see my mom died oh that's right my dad was sent to prison after all and it's a little hard to believe he had someone looking out for me.

God works in mysterious ways. Now I know you've been through a very difficult time, but what? It doesn't kill you it will make you stronger so why can't you bench press 45 pounds? Did she ask you to leave? If God didn't want me here, why did he leave all these coconuts? Heaven God is watching over you, I mean by Everything that happened you never lost hope when you had nowhere to go we were here for you Do you think that happened just by accident? It is not like this. I admire you Kevin, you always believe that things are going to be okay and that's faith in yourself and in God, whatever it is.

I mean, and I've really thought about it that way, maybe I do believe in something, but how do you? Do I know if I'm ready to come back to us? Because celibacy says: I know you, you are ready to be a priest, are you ready, son? I'm ready