How to actively listen to others | Scott Pierce | TEDxBirmingham

there's an internet meme that I really like it's a picture of Miles Davis and there's a quote that's attributed to Miles the quote is it's not the note you play that's the wrong note, it's a note you play later that makes that note. note whether right or wrong now this Being a quote from the internet, I have no idea if Miles Davis ever said that, but Herbie Hancock tells a story that I think supports this quote. Watch her and Miles play with his band in the early '60s and one night at a concert in Germany.

They were playing the song so what and in the middle of the song Herbie played the wrong chord he said it was so bad that he took his hands up from the keyboard and put them over his ears. Myles paused to breathe and played this. Full of notes that made that chord right and I like this story even more than the quote because it illustrates the relationship between Herbie and Miles between Miles and music. Look, Herbie was really very young, he was just starting his career. Miles was well established. Miles was there. Miles, who is already a legend, could have done anything he wanted, he could have stopped the performance, he said, hey, take it from above, let's do it right this time.

He could have humiliated Herbie, perhaps even ruined his early and budding career. Miles didn't do that. Miles could have continued playing the song as it was supposed to be played, since Miles had written the song to be played, but the audience knew something was wrong, the band certainly did. Miles didn't do that. Miles took what Herbie touched not as a mistake. but as an opportunity to create something new and different and that's the mark of a master improviser, we all improvise every day, none of us wake up with a script every day that tells us exactly what we're going to say exactly. what we're going to do, who we're going to meet, where we're going to go, and yet every day my brain is constantly trying to write that script and I'm improvising.

I've been doing live improv performances since 2011. I started. I went to a workshop and we did these games and exercises and I had a great time and I thought if I could learn to improvise then it could be fun. I was quickly disabused of this notion, you see, improvisation is not about being fun, improvisation is about

listen

ing it's about being present it's about accepting and if I can do these things, if I can

listen

, be present and accept, then I can help my scene partner create a scene and that scene will be fun, usually now there are rules for improvising, how strange is that.

How can they be rules for something that you just make up as you go along but there are some? Do not deny it. Make your scene partner look good. Avoid asking questions. Use details. Create physical environments and play within them. And for the love of God, don't try to be. It's funny, I'm not here to give you an improv acting class, although I recommend you take one. I'm here to talk about the first rule of improvisation, yes, yes, and it is the core of improvisation and in its most basic form it means that as an improviser my job is to accept what was just said or done on stage and then add more information to the scene, for example, it's grandma's 97th birthday this weekend, yes, and I bought her the pony she's always wanted for most beginning improvisers.

We are so trained, including myself when I started, we are so trained to answer yes and that we will literally say the words before each line, which makes for some really stilted scene conversations, but the most important thing is that if everything we do it's parroting, so I really don't understand the meaning of yes and I see the yes of yes and it's not just a blind and foolish acceptance or excuse me, not just a blind and foolish agreement, it's acceptance, everyone accepts me, very good, it's acceptance, is the acceptance of the reality of a scene while it is created on stage if my partner refers to me as their father then I am their father if they refer to me as their mother then why yes I am their mother it is my responsibility to take that truth from the scene now and move forward and not deny it because if I deny that reality I leave my scene partner hanging, now they have to fight to find out what's next in a scene that is already broken if I deny the reality of someone outside the scenario in real life.

I am creating a situation that has one of two results: either I force them to reframe their reality to one that I consider appropriate or in conflict with the first by forcing that reframing that is dehumanizing it is a power play that is to say that your reality does not At least it does not matter as much as mine. This last conflict results in the loss of understanding, even the potential for understanding, if all we do is shout each other's views, our own realities at the other, we are not in debate. we are not a dialogue we are just shouting when I am able to accept another person's reality then I can learn then I can communicate I don't have to agree with them it is my job to open myself up to become vulnerable and accept That point of view I have learned through improvisation to pausing to breathe when faced with a point of view that I reflexively want to deny.

I allow myself the space and grace to accept, consider, and if I can do it, it's scary. then I can form a bond with that person and we do it enough, then we form a community. One of the things I really struggled with when I started was getting on stage and getting into a scene that I already have all over the world. scene, I just based it on the audience suggestion, excuse me, on the audience suggestion or a random thought I had on the way to the theater that day. I would have written all this down and it's going to be so funny, it never worked out.

Do you know why my thematic partner was too? silly to read my mind and understand what they were supposed to do to make all this work. It was extraordinarily frustrating over the years I learned. I had to learn to empty my mind before and during a scene instead of coming back on stage with a preconceived and deluded notion of what a scene should be. I am simply present. I hear that suggestion or opening line. I look at my scene partner to see how he is standing. What is his body language that he tells me? I approach the audience to find out what kind of vibe you are responding to I dive into myself to understand the emotions and energy I am bringing to the stage I strive to be as present as possible when I can empty myself so the scene flows flows through I don't have to work when my scene partner does it.

It's incredible when that happens I can't explain it and in improvisation we call it group mind. When it happens it's magical. Nothing can go wrong. It requires no effort. It has no ego. It's incredible to see and it's more incredible. realize what I am capable of emptying myself into life life flows there are tragedies there are celebrations there are good things there are bad things if I put expectations on those things it is frustrating if I can release those and let life flow through me I have satisfaction and peace In Christian theology there is the concept of hoary which is the emptying of the self to allow the Holy Spirit to enter in Sufism they have Fanaa which is dying before one dies in Leo Shu Shins book the problem of the three bodies quotes an abbot Buddhist saying that emptiness is not nothingness emptiness is a type of existence you must use this existential emptiness to fill yourself and this is the type of emptiness I am talking about, it is not a denial of self it is a liberation from the ego it is a liberation of expectation and when I can do this when I can empty myself and it's hard then I can say yes, the end of yes and it's action something I still struggle with all these years later. en I want to respond to an offer with the best response I can think of.

A bid is one of those lines that an improviser throws out that just asks to be picked up and executed correctly, so yeah my scene partner said that's the last time. I run a marathon backwards, there's a lot to work with there, I mean how many times have you run a marathon? Did you always run it backwards or was it just this time, were you the only ones who ran backwards or did everyone else run backwards? Also, why is this the last time they will run it backwards? What happened today that made it bad? They got hurt?

Am I supposed to be there? They won? Which of those answers is the best? Nevermind Nevermind. It doesn't matter, as long as you agreed, as long as you did it, it doesn't matter, as long as you act. Think about the story of Miles and Herbie, if Miles had simply accepted what Herbie had played, that's nice and almost without Miles acting. playing that bunch of notes that got that wrong chord right, then Herbie's mistake would have always been a mistake forever, it's wonderful when we can be fully present and

actively

listen to someone's struggles, someone's pain, it's supportive, it's healing, it brings us together when you can be with that person and sometimes that's all it takes sometimes it's not necessary sometimes you need to take action so I want each of you to pick one day in the next month and make it a your personal yes and day.

I want you to intentionally yes and every interaction you have that day now remember remember yes and no means you just accept everything they ask of you otherwise the kids will ask you for a shilling to borrow the car and have a raging party don't do that don't listen be fully present in the moment let go of those expectations except that point of view you struggle with and then be grateful