Trump On American Healthcare: When You Love Something, Let It Explode

Stephen: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. IT FEELS GOOD TO RETURN TO THIS STAGE. LAST WEEK WE WERE FREE. We pretended we had new shows on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays, but they were actually recorded the week before. IT WAS AN ILLUSION CREATED BY AN EVIL GENIUS SO THAT I COULD DRINK RUM AND YOU COULD WATCH MARCH MADNESS. SO I HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT. (Applause) GO GAME ROOSERS! BUT WHAT A GOOD TIME TO BE AWAY FROM THE SHOW. Jon: RIGHT, SO NOTHING HAPPENED. Stephen: NOTHING HAPPENED WHILE I WAS LEFT, RIGHT? (LAUGHTER) OH, THERE'S ONE THING: THE GOP FINALLY LAUNCHED THE OBAMACARE REPEAL.

I THINK WE HAVE PICTURES OF THAT FROM LAST WEEK. I'M JUST A BILL... ♪ YES, I'M JUST A BILL ♪ ♪ AND I'M SITTING HERE ON CAPITOL HILL ♪ (GUN SHOT) (Applause and applause) Stephen: OH! WOW! (LAUGHTER) OH NO! DO NOT DO IT! DO NOT DO IT! IT'S JUST A CARTOON, FOLKS. HE'S FINE. Well, that didn't go as planned. (LAUGHTER) THEY WERE SO SURE THEY WERE GOING TO DO THIS THAT AN ANTI-OBAMACARE PAC POSTED MANY VERSIONS OF THIS AD DURING BASKETBALL AFTER THE LAW FAILED. REPUBLICANS KEEP THEIR PROMISE WITH A NEW PLAN FOR BETTER HEALTH CARE. NO MORE MAJOR GOVERNMENT SANCTIONS OR JOB ELIMINATION MANDATES.

THANKS TO CONGRESS GREG WALDEN. FOR KEEPING YOUR PROMISE AND REPLACING THE AFFORDABLE CARE ACT WITH THE BEST HEALTH CARE YOU DESERVE. STEPHEN: ALSO PUBLISHED THIS AD CONGRATULATING KANSAS FOR REACHING THE FINAL FOUR AND PRINTED A NEWSPAPER DECLARING: DEWEY DEFEATS HEALTH REFORM. (APPLAUSE) PRO(PIANO RIFF) AND THE WHITE HOUSE TRIED TO ACHIEVE THIS. THERE WAS PRESS ALL OVER THE COURT BY TRUMP AND HIS PEOPLE. THEY TRIED TO HIT THEIR BALLS TOWARD MEMBERS OF THE CONSERVATIVE FREEDOM CAUCUS, EVEN SUMMONING THEM TO THE WHITE HOUSE WHERE ADVISOR AND PRE-EXISTING CONDITIONER, STEVE BANNON, TOLD THEM: "THIS IS NOT A DISCUSSION.

THIS IS NOT A DEBATE. YOU DON'T HAVE "MORE CHOICE THAN VOTING FOR THIS BILL." TO WHICH ONE OF THE MEMBERS RESPONDED: "YOU KNOW, THE LAST TIME SOMEONE ORDERED ME TO DO SOMETHING I WAS 18. AND IT WAS MY DAD. AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO IT EITHER." (Applause and applause) NO SUH! Jon: I DECLARE IT! Stephen: AND THEN I PUT MY IN THAT BOX OF FIRE COOKIES AND TODAY I AM CONGRESS CUSTAS "SPARKY" JONES. So on Friday, lacking the votes they needed, they repealed the Obamacare repeal and placed it in the cabinet of broken Republican dreams, alongside trickle-down economics and a Jesus-shaped fighter jet that dumps gays. about ISIS. (Applause and applause) THAT WILL GET YOU IN.

THAT WILL SHOW YOU! Jon: HEY -- Stephen: THEY COULD NOT GET THE FUNDING FOR THAT ANYWAY. I DON'T UNDERSTAND. (LAUGHTER) SO IT'S A FAILURE. WHO DOES TRUMP BLAME FOR THIS FAILURE? WE HAD NO DEMOCRATIC SUPPORT. WE DID NOT HAVE DEMOCRAT VOTES. STEPHEN: ARE THERE NOT ENOUGH VOTES TO GET A MAJORITY? THAT DID NOT PREVENT HIM FROM BEING PRESIDENT. (Applause and applause) JUST MAKE YOUR MAGIC out of it! JUST WORK YOUR MAGIC! (PIANO RIFF) IT'S ALMOST LIKE WE LIVE IN SOME KIND OF DEMOCRACY. SO HE BLAMEED THE DEMOCRATS, THE CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICANS AND THE MODERATE REPUBLICANS. BUT THERE IS ONE PERSON TRUMP DOESN'T BLAME.

HERE'S A CLUE: RHYMES WITH "DONALD TRUMP." (LAUGHTER) I NEVER SAID: I guess I'm here, WHAT, 64 DAYS. I NEVER SAID "REPEAL AND REPLACE OBAMACARE." EVERYONE HAS LISTEN TO MY SPEECHES. I NEVER SAID "REPEAL AND REPLACE IT WITHIN 64 DAYS." I HAVE A LOT OF TIME. STEPHEN: YES, TRUMP NEVER SAID HE WOULD DELIVER OBAMACARE IN 64 DAYS. I HAD A DIFFERENT TIME FRAME IN MIND. THE FIRST THING WE ARE GOING TO DO IS REPEAL AND REPLACE OBAMACARE. (Applause and applause) MY FIRST DAY IN OFFICE, I'M GOING TO ASK CONGRESS TO PUT A LAW ON MY DESK. WE WILL IMMEDIATELY REPEAL AND REPLACE THE DISASTER KNOWN AS OBAMACARE.

IMMEDIATELY REPEAL AND REPLACE OBAMACARE. IMMEDIATELY REPEALING AND REPLACING OBAMACARE. STEPHEN: IMMEDIATELY. (Applause and applause) IMMEDIATELY. IMMEDIATELY. DAY ONE, IMMEDIATELY. (LAUGHTER) So, I guess, technically, it didn't fail on Friday. IT FAILED TWO MONTHS AGO. (APPLAUSE AND APPLAUSE) (PIANO RIFF) AND AFTER ALL THEIR CAMPAIGN PROMISES, NOTHING! IT'S ALMOST LIKE YOU CAN'T TRUST A FAST-TALKING DEVELOPER WHO COMES INTO TOWN PROMISING A MAGIC SOLUTION FOR ALL OUR MEDICAL NEEDS. I AM STARTING TO DOUBT THE EFFECTIVENESS OF DR. BANNON'S ANTI-MUSLIM TOAD OIL. (LAUGHTER) JUST RUB IT. YOU JUST RUB IT. Stephen: YOU MUST GET THE MUSLIM TO STAY STILL WHILE YOU RUB HIM.

BUT IT IS NOT MY PRODUCT. I DIDN'T SAY IT WORKS. ONLY ONE SPONSOR. ONLY ONE SPONSOR. (LAUGHTER) TRUMP ALSO DOES NOT BLAME, AND THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT, PAUL RYAN. SPEAKING OF NOT BLAMEING PAUL RYAN, TRUMP FOUND TIME TO MAKE A TV RECOMMENDATION, Tweeting ON SATURDAY: "WATCH @JUDGEJEANINE ON @FOXNEWS TONIGHT AT 9:00 PM." WELL, THAT'S INTERESTING. I WONDER WHAT THE SHOW WAS WORKING ON THAT NIGHT. PAUL RYAN NEEDS TO STOP AS HOUSE SPEAKER. THIS BILL DIDN'T JUST FAIL. IT FAILED WHEN THE REPUBLICANS HAD THE HOUSE, THE SENATE, THE WHITE HOUSE. AND, PRESIDENT RYAN, YOU COME IN WITH ALL YOUR ADVANCE AND EXPERIENCE AND SELL HIM AN AFTERNOON'S GOODS.

BASED ON WHAT?? YOUR LEGISLATIVE EXPERIENCE? THAT? YOUR DRINKS AT HAY-ADAMS WITH YOUR FRIENDS!? RYAN HAS HURT YOU AND HE HAS TO LEAVE. STEPHEN: BUT FIRST, SOMEONE GET JUDGE JEANINE HOME FROM THE STUDY. (LAUGHTER) AND NO, I DON'T KNOW WHERE HIS SHOES ARE! THEY'RE UNDER THE SOFA! (Applause) So you must want Ryan gone, right, REINCE PRIEBUS? DOES THE PRESIDENT WANT PAUL RYAN TO RESIGN AS PRESIDENT? WELL, FIRST OF ALL, I'LL LET THE RECORD, WE LOVE JUDGE JEANINE, AND THE PRESIDENT TOO. I THINK IT WAS MORE COINCIDENTAL, CHRIS. OH, COME ON. WHY HE SAID LOOK AT HER AND THEN THAT'S THE FIRST THING -- BECAUSE HE LOVES JUDGE JEANINE, AND HE WANTED TO DO JUDGE JEANINE A FAVOR.

I THINK THIS IS MORE OF A PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP, THE PRESIDENT HELPING A FRIEND. Stephen: YEAH, JUST - JUST HELPING A FRIEND. "PUT RYAN'S HEAD INTO THE BATHROOM, I'LL STAND BY THE BATHROOM DOOR AND YELL FOR EVERYONE TO COME LOOK!" SWIRLING. IMMEDIATELY. (Applause) WELL, IF YOU LIKE JUDGE JEANINE, TRUMP WILL LOVE TONIGHT'S EPISODE OF THE PRO-TRUMP NEWS TEAM FROM THE LATE SHOW, REAL NEWS TONIGHT. WELCOME TO REAL NEWS TONIGHT, I'M JIM. AND I AM JILL NEWS MA'AM. LAST WEEK'S REPUBLICAN HEALTH BILL FAILED BUT NOT BECAUSE OF PRESIDENT TRUMP WHO IS A GOOD MAN. GREAT MAN. VERY GRADUATED.

HOUSE SPEAKER PAUL RYAN COULD BE BLAMEED. THE WEAK BOY WHO SMELLS BAD. IT SMELLS BAD, IT'S BAD. WE TURNED TO SALLY BLAZERFACE. EXIT. PAUL RYAN HAS TO GO. He came here with his swagger and his swaying hips and promised to deliver a bunch of hot, juicy medical care, and he failed! TRUMP TRUSTED HIM WHY? BECAUSE HE IS A BOY WHO HAS FUN AND BUYS DAISIES WITH ALL HIS FRIENDS. AND I HATE WHEN SCHUMER AND PELOSI SHAKE THEIR LITTLE MARACAS SAYING TRUMP IS NO GOOD! BY PAUL RYAN. PAUL RYAN FAILED THE REPUBLICANS. PRAIPAUL RYAN SAYS, I CAN'T HAVE TOOTERS ANYMORE BECAUSE I MADE THE GIRLS CRY.

PAUL RYAN SAYS I HAVE TO DRINK WATER. DONALD TRUMP WOULD NOT DO THAT. AND DONALD, YOU KNOW WHAT? IF YOU'RE LOOKING, I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING: WAIT, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU! Stephen: SHE'S GOING TO BE FINE. (APPLAUSE AND APPLAUSE) (BAND PLAYING) Stephen: WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. JANE FONDA AND LILY TOMLIN ARE HERE. BUT FIRST, I'LL BE THERE TALKING ABOUT RUSSIA. STAY.