T**** Pins Jan 6th Violence on Pence | Fox Plays Softball with DeSantis | Abra-clam Lincoln

WELCOME, ONE ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW". I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. I HAVE AN ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE RIGHT NOW AND THE PEOPLE I WANT TO THANK THIS AUDIENCE FOR BEING HERE TONIGHT. THIS PEOPLE. AFTER WEATHERING THE AGGRESSIVE SHIPS ABROAD. YOU ARE THE HEROES AND I WISH WE THOUGHT AHEAD TO TURN UP THE HEAT HERE. OF COURSE THERE IS BAD WEATHER EVERYWHERE. MASSIVE SNOW IN NEW ENGLAND. In California, they've been hit by something called an atmospheric river. COINCIDENTALLY, ALSO MY FAVORITE PACO RABANNE SCENT. THIS RIVER HAS CAUSED TORRENTIAL RAINS AND DEVASTATING FLOODS LIKE THIS. WHICH IS ANOTHER REASON WHY SOME CALIFORNIA BANKS ARE UNDERWATER.

SOMETHING HAS CLEARLY PRODUCED A MIXED REACTION FROM THE AUDI AUDIENCE. SOMETHING HAS CLEARLY DISCONNECTED THE BALANCE OF OUR PLANET. MAYBE IT'S GLOBAL WARMING. MAYBE IT'S THE FACT THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT MADE HIS FIRST VISIT TO IOWA FOR THE 2024 CAMPAIGN. AGGGGHHH! THIS IS THE MOMENT I HAVE DREADED FOR OVER TWO YEARS. I SAID I WON'T DO THE PRINT ANYMORE, BUT THEIR CAMPAIGN HAS STARTED, SO HERE WE GO. "MYEH, SEE! I'LL BE PRESIDENT! MYEH!" PERSON, WOMAN, MAN, CAMERA, TV, MYEH!" I'LL WORK ON THAT. I LOVE PD BUT... I LOVE PT BUT NOT THAT MUCH. THE FORMER PRESIDENT STARTED TALKING TO THE PRESS BEFORE HIS PLANE LANDED, SPECIFICALLY ON THE DRAWING OF A SAD MAN DRAWN BY HIS FORMER VICE PRESIDENT, MIKE PENCE, OVER THE WEEKEND, AT THE GRIDIRON DINNER, PENCE SAID HISTORY WILL HOLD THE FORMER PRESIDENT RESPONSIBLE FOR JANUARY 6, BUT THE FORMER PRESIDENT FOUND SOMEONE ELSE TO BLAME, TELLING REPORTERS, "PENCE HAD SENT THE VOTES TO THE LEGISLATURES, THEY HAD NO PROBLEM WITH JANUARY 6, SO IN MANY WAYS PENCE CAN BE BLAMEED FOR JANUARY 6." PENCE IS TO BLAME THE CROWD THAT TRIED TO HANG HIM.

I mean, DID YOU SEE WHAT HE WAS ON HIS NECK? THAT THE ADAM'S APPLE LEFT NOTHING TO THE IMAGINATION, THE FORMER PRESIDENT CONTINUED, "HE HAD RETURNED THE BALLOTS, I THINK. I WOULD NOT HAVE HAD JANUARY 6TH, AS WE CALL IT." WHAT DO WE CALL IT? IT'S A DAY! WE HAVE ALWAYS CALLED JANUARY 6TH JANUARY 6TH BECAUSE THAT'S THE DAY IT IS. "I'm going to grill some hot dogs, light some fireworks and celebrating a little thing I like to call the 4th of July. TRADEMARK." HE ALSO PURSUED HIS 2024 CHIEF RIVAL, FLORIDA GOVERNOR RON DeSANTIS, WHOM HE ACCORDING IS IN THE NATIONAL SPOTLIGHT ONLY BECAUSE OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S ENDORSEMENT IN 2018, SAYING, "IF IT WAS NOT FOR ME, RON DESANCTIMONIOUS WOULD NOW BE WORKING AT A LAW FIRM OR MAYBE A PIZZA HUT." OR, IF HE WAS REALLY AMBITIOUS, A COMBINATION LAW FIRM AND PIZZA HUT.

YOU KNOW HIS MOTTO: "NO ONE BEATS SCHAFERMAN, LAKIN AND PIZZA HUT ASSOCIATES." "HELLO, I WOULD LIKE TO ORDER A BIG DIVORCE FROM MEATLOVERS. OOH, GARLIC KNOTS." THE FORMER PRESIDENT ALSO EXPLAINED HIS NEW NICKNAME FOR DeSANTIS, SAYING, "I USE THE WORD RON DeSANCTIMONIOUS OR RON DeSANCTUS, IT'S JUST A SHORTER VERSION." YES, BECAUSE EVERY NICKNAME NEEDS A NICKNAME. "ME THEY CALL T-BONE, WHICH OF COURSE IS SHORT FOR "TYRANNOSAURUS BONE". THE FORMER PRESIDENT IS CLEARLY LOSING HIS NICKNAME GAME, BECAUSE HE ALREADY HAS A PERFECT NICKNAME FOR DeSANCTUS THAT HE HAS REJECTED. AND IT'S "MEATBALL RON", WHICH HE SAYS IS "TOO RUDE".

Yes, he says a lot of unpleasant things, but when it came time for his speech, the former president. HE PRESUMES HAVE ALMOST DONE SOMETHING. I VIRTUALLY ELIMINATED THE UNFAIR STAY TAX, OR DEATH TAX IF YOU LOVE YOUR CHILDREN, YOU CAN LEAVE YOUR FARM TO THEM IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM THAT MUCH OR NOT. LIKE THEM, WHAT HAPPENS SOMETIMES, DON'T LEAVE THEM ANYTHING Stephen: "HEY! DAD'S TALKING ABOUT ME! THANKS FOR THE ATTENTION, DAD! THE ONLY THING I WANT YOU TO LEAVE ME... IS A HUG. " OR JUST... OR JUST PUT ME INTO THE COFFIN WITH YOU. A LITTLE DARK, A LITTLE SAD.

THE FORMER PRESIDENT IS NOT THE ONLY ONE OUT THERE RAISING HIS PROFILE DESANTIS WAS ON FOX NEWS THIS WEEKEND, TALKING TO THE BROWN-HAIRED GUY WHO'S NOT STEVE DOOCY ABOUT WHAT I LEARNED PLAYING BASEBALL IN COLLEGE THE LOCKER ROOM PREPARES YOU FOR THE PRESS, RIGHT? YOU A LOT, THEY WAKE YOU UP ALL THE TIME. THE WAY TO KNOW PEOPLE LIKE YOU IS IF THEY MAKE FUN OF YOU. Stephen: WELL, SO, RON DeSANTIS, I'M ABOUT TO BE YOUR BEST. FRIEND, IN FACT, I LIKE YOU SO MUCH, I'M GOING TO SAY YOU LOOK LIKE A FRANKENSTEIN LIE MADE BY DEAD PERSONAL INJURY LAWYERS NOW YOU CAN ASK YOURSELF, WHY IS THAT INTERVIEW OUTSIDE BECAUSE RON DeSANTIS WANTS TO CONNECT WITH EVERYONE?

DAY AMERICANS LOVE SPORTS, SO THEY PLAYED CATCH IN A LITERAL SOFTBALL INTERVIEW, THOUGH YOU'LL NOTICE THAT THROUGHOUT THE SEGMENT THE EDITORS CUT SO THAT YOU DON'T ACTUALLY SEE THE BALL THROWN AND CATCHED IN THE SAME SHOT. That's a weird way to show two guys throwing a ball, but I'm sure it was a real game of catch. THIS IS HOW WE DO IT ON TV. FOR EXAMPLE, LOUIS AND I HAVE A FISHING ALMOST EVERY NIGHT. Hey, LOUIS, CATCH. Louis: GOOD LAUNCH, STEPHEN. Esteban: THANK YOU. GO LONG! YOU HAVE THE ARM. SMOKE THAT PITCH. TALKING ABOUT EUROPE, WE HAVE NEWS FROM ROME, BECAUSE THIS WEEK POPE FRANCIS SUGGESTED THAT HE WILL REVIEW THE VOTE OF CELIBACY FOR THE PRIESTS OF THE CATHOLIC CHURCH.

Now, I don't think this is that important. I mean, there aren't many sexy priests. OH LORD. Oh, dress me. Just a moment, they tell me we forgot about an attractive priest. FORGIVE ME, FATHER, BECAUSE I HAVE GIVEN MYSELF. THE PONTIFF PONTIFICATE SAID CELIBACY IN THE WESTERN CHURCH AS A TEMPORARY PRESCRIPTION I LOVE THE POPES IS TEMPORARY, THAT IS SINCE THE 11TH CENTURY. FOR THE CATHOLIC CHURCH, 1,000 YEARS ARE YESTERDAY. THAT'S WHY THEY HAVE NOT YET ADOPTED THE LATEST GENERATION OF PANTS TECHNOLOGY. FRIENDS, FOR THIS STORY, I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY ON BEHALF OF MYSELF AND THE MAIN MEDIA, FOR UNFORTUNATELY FAILED THEM.

WHILE WE WERE BUSY TALKING ABOUT BANK FAILURES AND A LAND WAR IN EUROPE, WE HAVE NOT PAID ENOUGH SCRUTINY TO THE STORY THAT WAS TOLD BY THE TALLAHASSEE DEMOCRAT MORE THAN TWO WEEKS AGO. THAT STORY: A BIG CLAM WAS DISCOVERED IN FLORIDA. IT'S THE KIND OF STORY YOU DON'T SEE EVERY DAY, UNLESS YOU'RE IN FLORIDA, WHERE THERE ARE A NUMBER OF BIG CLAMS. AS I'M SURE EVERYONE KNOWS NOW. THIS IS NO ORDINARY BIG CLAM. IT IS BELIEVED THAT HE WAS BORN IN 1809, THE SAME YEAR OF BIRTH OF OUR 16TH PRESIDENT, WHY HE GOT THE NICKNAME ABRA-CLAM LINCOLN.

NOW, SO FAR EVERYTHING IS WELL. I ONLY HAVE ONE PROBLEM WITH THIS STORY. WE HAVE ALL SEEN THE SENSATIONAL REPORTS. ABRA-CLAM IS "GIANT", "HUGE", "MASSIVE". THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT MOTHER-SHUCKER. BUT I'M ABOUT TO REMOVE THE LID FROM THIS CLAM. BECAUSE WE HAVE NOW LEARNED THAT WHILE MOST CLAMS HAVE "A SHELL 2 TO 4 INCHES LONG," THIS SO-CALLED GIANT WAS ONLY SIX INCHES! AND DON'T TELL ME IT'S BECAUSE THE WATER IS COLD. IT'S FLORIDA! AND IT'S NOT EVEN THE KIND OF CLAM WE WERE ALL ORIGINALLY TOLD IT WAS. IT TURNS OUT THAT ABRA-CLAM IS A SOUTHERN QUAHOG, EVEN THOUGH THE MEDIA FALSELY REPORTED THAT IT WAS AN OCEAN QUAHOG, WHICH WOULD HAVE BEEN EXCITING, BECAUSE THEY ARE NORMALLY FOUND BETWEEN NEWFOUNDLAND AND NORTH CAROLINA, WHICH MEANS THIS MOLLUSK IS FOUND AROUND LONG THE GULF OF MEXICO.

I WAS FAR FROM HOME. THIS IS THE FIRST CLUE THAT THIS WAS A FISHY MOLLUSK. THE IDEA THAT CLAMS TRAVEL. THE ONLY PLACE CLAMS GO IS ON A BED OF LINGUINE. MOST SHOCKING OF ALL, IT SEEMS THAT "FOLLOWING INCREASED MEDIA COVERAGE OF ABRACLAM, ITS AGE OF 214 IS QUESTIONABLE," AND THEY NOW THINK THE CLAM IS BETWEEN 107 AND 214 YEARS OLD, BUT A CLAM EXPERT SUSPECTS IT COULD BE EVEN YOUNGER. I JUST WANT TO SAY THIS. THE ONLY THING MORE DIRT THAN THE LIES WE WERE GIVED IN THIS STORY IS GROWING UP TO BE A CLAM EXPERT. "SO... "SO WHAT DOES YOUR SON DO?" "UH, HE'S A MARINE BIOLOGIST." "AMAZING.

DO YOU WORK WITH DOLPHINS?" "I'M GONNA SAY YES." WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE REGE-JEAN PAGE AND "SO HELP ME TODD" STAR SKYLAR ASTIN. BUT WHEN HE COMES BACK, A MESSAGE VERY IMPORTANT ST. PATRICK'S DAY LIAM NEESON.