Pilot | Learn English with Ricky Gervais

Hello and welcome to

learn

English with Ricky Gervais I'm Ricky Gervais with me Karl Pilkington okay I won't speak your language I won't translate what I say I'll only speak English okay the translation will appear at the bottom of the screen this is my friend Carl Pilkington he's bold he's bold he doesn't have hair karl pilkington he doesn't have hair i know you can see that i don't have hair i'm not sure why they need to know that if they

learn

a language bald he's not bald it's not that important teach them to ask for bread or milk well, we'll get to that, but it's kind of about friendship and family, you know, so it's all helpful. so many words you know they might as well start somewhere too many words so many words so many words so you say it carl pilkington is bold carl pilkington has a head like an orange i really don't know why they need to learn this because they might need to say no one day , but I already have enough abuse from the English, I don't want Chinese people to suddenly appear talking about orange, teach him to say milk, I need milk, milk for tea, coffee, teach me useful things, okay, go. and teach him something: who am I talking to people around the world?

They can't speak English yet, so what are they, what are they, Chinese, Chinese, okay, I've been to China and none of them know English well, so they need to learn English. um, what would you like to know? You see, they don't need to know about milk because they don't like milk. They think the English smell like milk. The smell of milk smells. What does it mean to smell? Carl smells um stinks like Buckingham. You smell like a drunk. So you have a Chinese guy who comes here and he has learned the word rank, which means you stink, you smell, you stink, you stink, you stink, give an example, um, you smell, why are you teaching your prejudices?

Because you told me that they wanted to know about smells, yes, of course, but why are you teaching them without prepositions and without prepositions? Why are you teaching them to talk like that? Hmm, you suck, why are you teaching them to talk? Just speak correct English. Okay, so always speak correct English. Well, tell them, so what? What do they want to know? Well, what does the smell mean. This is what's okay, so we introduce the word smell smell. This is about the word smell just when something smells, you know what it means when something stinks, it doesn't always smell.

I mean because it's also a pleasant smell it's also a verb smell is a verb smell is a yes verb, but what you have to remember is that if you go up to someone and tell them that you smell, it's not always positive, right? You say you smell good, but if you say you smell, they'll get a slap in the face. What would they want to let you see? That's why we focus on Are we focusing on the Chinese? We shouldn't do it, because different people want different things. So what would the Chinese want? If they come to England.

What do they want? Why are you talking? to me like I can't understand it because I'm trying to think of how to make it clear to them, okay, so I'm checking, so forget where they come from, wherever they come from in the world, they all want the same things, no, but but the words don't mean the same thing in certain places there are people in the world where it stinks, they wouldn't come to England and they need to say it smells because they are from a smellier place, no, no, yes, they are milk. let's make milk, okay, let's make milk for anyone who speaks

english

, okay, okay, ah arlem, okay, we'll act out a scenario now where you might need milk, okay, okay, hi carl, okay, okay? do you like a cup of tea?

Yes, yes, please, yes, please, uh loud. What tea bags do you have? That's a question I ask because it all depends on the amount of milk. Do you have typhoon? That means more milk. Typhus does not mean more meat. No, it's a very strong tea bag. little snippets this is not like that you don't need to know the details this is not a travel guide this is just this is

english

for people to start over ok hi carl oh yes would you like a cup of tea? I love it when I'm panting, how do you like it? strong, unsweetened, tea bag, okay, yes, what a pity, yes, that should be fine, would you like some milk, just a drop, a drop, not much, would you like semi-skimmed milk, semi-skimmed milk, milk semi-skimmed, sorry, Carl? he is enjoying his tea, he drank it strong with a drop of milk, so that is the basic thing in England, we like to drink tea, we drink tea, we also drink coffee, we also drink beer, we go shopping, so I will go to a shop, It's ok babe. afternoon hello yes I want a fish what kind of fish do you want we have many what kind of fish there are many I don't have time to be honest you come at a very busy time take a look and come back to I don't know what kind of fish this is.

That's herring. Well, herring. What is a herring? Chinese and Japanese. No fish, very good. I don't need to stop thinking that we are only talking to Chinese in Japan. Don't know. where the japanese came from they were just chinese this is for anyone who wants to learn english anywhere in the world there can be spanish there can be french there can be german ok why do you only care about the chinese learning about this because most spanish people? They can speak English, they have been taught it, but it's okay, herring, herring, it's a fish, it's a kind of fishy fish, there's a fish that has more meat, tuna, what kind of things are you looking for today?

This is for you or someone else. For me, I would like to buy a fish, please, of course, but you, but you surely know what herring is, look at it, look at the fish here, it's called herring, where are you from? I don't speak English. I'll just wrap any old one. and come on, you'll like this dime that rips you off because I'm busy and that's what happens in this country, that's what you need to be careful about if you're watching this, if you come to England, don't get scammed. out scammed taken advantage of stand up like a herring made like a herring look at this foreigner i did it like a herring this is when english gets complicated because herring many words in english can mean many things um where where the same word is different wearing where have you been I'm wearing a jumper where have you been where brilliant one word two meanings at the spa hello I'd like to book an appointment for a treatment okay when are you um what are you thinking? um we're busy everything today tomorrow can we do it today? can it be available now?

Can't we just do it? which is available now. there is nothing. Alright. I can include you. Someone hasn't shown up yet, so we can put you in touch. in 10 minutes okay, okay, what would you like? I would like a crack on my back and my sack waxed, please, I would like my back waxed, my crack waxed and my sack waxed, right? Do you do the treatments yourself? No, I wish you would. I can't, why not, because I have to be at the reception taking calls. Well, okay, you can't ask who makes your jacket. You break your entire back.

There is a woman in the back who gives you the crack well. She's crazy, right? That's nothing here. I don't know what we're doing I don't know who's going to learn something wait wait wait okay okay okay okay okay, we'll ask myself some questions about okay, well, I don't have to ask any questions, I said you can go. in ten minutes, okay, I'm not doing that, I'm a worse kid, I'm not paid or qualified to rate your wait, wait, okay, wait, wait, okay, actually, thinking about it, my hair crack hasn't grown back even like the hair on my back but my coat is very hairy wait my coat is very hairy um I don't need my back or the crack waxed but I need my coat waxed right now.

I'm surprised you didn't do it yourself because it's the back and the crack that's how hard the sack you can make yourself to be honest everything should be growing at the same time no there's something wrong with you no you have a hairy penis you back is beautiful and bold, right? I don't need it doing bold bold my back is bald yes my slit is bald my jacket needs wax right um it's quite an emergency my balls are very hairy can I have them waxed? Please, yes, how much just for the balls? 15 pounds 15 pounds for both for two, okay, so 750 each, it's 750, but we don't split it, that's the price yes, you can't have one, no, I have two, I have two balls, I have two balls, How many balls do you have?

Carl has two. two balls are your average hairy balls okay which is weird because carl's balls are hairy but he is bald on the head his head looks like a ball his head looks like a bold testicle carl has a head like a bold testicle but his testicles are not bald, okay, how long will it take to hit my balls? uh, 10 minutes, 10 minutes, okay, okay, so it's 15 pounds and 10 minutes, um, can you do it, can you, can you do it now, please, no, I won't. Meet Leslie in the back room Uh oh I'm not really a little shy I know you might You don't know me You just showed up Could you want my balls? no, I'm not going to shave your idiotic balls uh scrotum um what else is the test eye if they're going to do one sack of shit what else is this oh okay, okay, we've done it working well with the doctors hello doctor Hello, I have pain, okay, what is the whereabouts of the pain? my anus of course none of this is worth learning in a language go home if you are sick go home no if so if a foreigner is in this country you can go to the doctor and use our system an hs.

If his butt hurt he would take the first flight home, why don't you go travel? You are here as a tourist. Yeah, sure, we'll see London instead of worrying about your airy balls. We will see the London eye. The London Eye. tower of london these are things that are going to be useful ok tower of london london eye buckingham palace the queen i have never been on holiday and i had to make my anus look like i haven't seen it too while i'm here at home, come on useful words from age, why are you teaching them a French word?

If we are teaching you English, I am just saying useful phrases, right? My head hurts, what would you do? Well, what scenario would you do? do to teach them can we now show you a useful scenario? Yes, who are you? Who do you want it to be? What do you want to do? The containers have not been emptied. Who and well? Who are you? You're making up this scenario. Who are you then the advice depends on you right you are my neighbor okay why do you keep taking out containers? the garbage cans don't come until thursday you keep putting bins sorry carl I'm very tired of problem I woke up this morning it's the worst it's all I've spread although uh distended my testicles are very very low because I'm old I'm flattened yes, it's Well listen, can you take out the containers on Thursdays, my balls are there?

So can you put the containers out on day three? The garbage men don't come until Thursday. It's Tuesday. You're putting the containers out too early. These foxes attack them. This shit is everywhere. These dirty underwear that you keep throwing in the trash. I told you it attracts foxes, stop putting out the bins two days before when they have to sit there and that attracts you and you try to sell me those shitty dirty underwear all over the sidewalk. This has happened to you. Yes, it was, yes, really yes? What did you do? They don't give. We hope it has been useful to you so that when you visit England you can speak like an Englishman.

Thanks for learning English with Ricky Gervais and Carl Pilkington so yeah, see you