more of aubrey plaza being weird and awkward...

you feel claustrophobic you feel like you can't breathe how you handled that I really loved it um why did you tell yourself I didn't care but why would you actively love it? Don't know. Honestly, I'm not claustrophobic, I like

being

in small, confined spaces and I like the feeling of

being

crushed and if I had to choose a way to die, it's not that no, no, no, no, no, no, I have to do it, but you know. when people play that game like would you like to drown or get killed by a shark? or whatever, I usually say I'd be suffocated because I feel like they're squeezing you and then I think your body falls asleep and then you die peacefully, but I sleep with a dagger next to me and really, what do you mean you have a dagger? ? where is the dagger?

It's not in the bed, it's on my nightstand and every week I do a stabbing exercise where I'm asleep you're asleep I Imagine yourself as a zombie or a killer, um, or whoever comes to get me, and then I like doing a move where I like to quickly slide it under the blanket and then just lift whoever is on top of me about to kill me, that seems incredibly. Dangerous, you know, I could kill people just doing like that, people would just disintegrate, um, that was a good feeling, Aubry Plaza, here with Aubrey Plaza, you just came off the stage, nice teeth, I don't even know what's going on here with I always have my teeth in my hand so I can put them in my mouth immediately when I get up.

It's something that calms me down. We're really backstage on the show. You said he was making a lot of noise next door. that's true, yes, it's so loud, I think I was crying, I was crying so hard, how I was crying backstage, yes, we are here to give the latest news, okay, thanks for talking to us, yes, thanks, It's okay, Aubry, it's okay, but I'll get it. someone who does it I just have to have someone who knows how to fly I'll take lessons okay I'll learn to fly okay you know you know you can always count on me okay Jesus what was that look?

I offered to save your life by flying and you took it out. I felt terrible not now, I'm getting married, so I auditioned a couple of times and they rejected me. I like being rejected. It makes me feel alive. You guys had something going on but then it led to something. Pretty amazing, yeah, they're my childhood, it was pretty good and I think I'm doing okay now. We have a clip here from the movie. What can you tell us to help us with the clip? This is right before a the dinosaur is about to eat me I don't know what's real and what's not any

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yeah I didn't either I had no idea what was going to happen You don't even know where you were I don't know where I am It's true Most Most of the time, the colonoscopy people ask me about this a lot because I don't seem to be good at basketball, but I'm pretty good at basketball.

Do you always time your sip right when you say no basketball, why? You're so good. What makes you so good? You just started playing young. I'm not that good. I'm good. You just said I'm very good. Well, I'm pretty good. Well, I'm really cool. I'm good. I'm like no, I'm not amazing, but I'm pretty good and I play with, you know, random people and I really like it because of the strategy when I was in high school, I played in my church's basketball league. and um and I was the point guard and I used to come up with interesting versions of plays instead of being like that, it would be like the sacrament of reconciliation and then we would do something or like the blood of Christ, which means like throw the ball in the corner and then look back right please I don't know how this happened I think I just guess we have the same taste I can't wait for this to be over so I can lose that girl who's just crazy she's crazy I mean look I mean I don't even I can't even handle it.

I'm so happy we're on the same page. I mean, I had no idea even about the shoes. I think we are so similar it is. a psychopath what are you talking about she is a psychopath the teacher always smoked and pushed me and yelled at me but I do remember the seven that maybe weren't a dance class yes, it was like jumping one, two, three jumps two two three right, But I haven't had to use it yet I have it in my back pocket If I get attacked by an angry drunk mob Now I need to stay back I understand you're number seven I'm sorry, is this thing on? no, no, it doesn't even work, let's get rid of it, we don't need this, here we go, uh, okay, ladies and gentlemen, calm down, it sounds really nice, I like it when it matches my hair because I didn't have any.

Like residual things that were wrong with me, but I had a learning specialist that I was forced to meet with once a week who was also a drag queen, so we talked about whether this really happened or is it part of the stroke, no? I know. I know I'm not sure if I'm going to have one now. No, no, but I find it fascinating. Are you taking any medication? Okay, well, I know I still get scared at night sometimes that they're going to come for the piece of paper, yes, yes, they have powers. You have made a terrible mistake.

I know I've made so many mistakes. I know I'm Someday I'll be punished by one of them, well, let's talk about your name. I like any interview that just ends with I've made so many mistakes. Someday I will be punished by them. Yes, you have your pretty pins there. we got taylor swift, we killed him, we hashtagged, we killed him and taylor, did you keep her on your chest? taylor swift oh the pin you have taylor swift pin oh yeah oh this is not your jacket someone good someone just put it on oh okay it doesn't matter so you know now I love taylor I love her she is my you know my best best friend I No ask about this, but sometimes you do.

I saw a photo. Someone took a photo of Jessica Alba at a Lakers game. Look at yourself in the background. You're definitely trying to call him. Tell me you're not intentionally trying to get in. In that action I don't even remember that photo was taken of me. That's just my natural face at a basketball game. Oh really, just so you find basketball games scary. I'm such a God that Dwyane Wade scares me if I'm around. a basketball game I get scared you get scared yeah I get into a

weird

situation I don't know it's scary the ball goes in there and everyone's moving so fast like a midsection, midsection and I do a loop like this and then I do it I put it in my ear and listen to it, it speaks to me.

I'll make the sound on the microphone so you can hear it. You've been doing it with yourself. I don't know, you don't know, no, no. I'm just wandering through life floating like a jellyfish trying to stay calm don't do anything too stupid actually make good decisions be positive okay stop stopping you

aubrey

plaza

i don't know my brain that guy here yeah he's a By the way, a guy or girl is there for you, oh um, and they're always fighting and I always tell them that they shouldn't do that and that they should just let me do my job, one of the things that I like.

It seems like you have a secret all the time. I was actually thinking that I have a secret and I shouldn't tell anyone and I'm not going to. No, no, not now, not tonight, because wait a second. I'm really bad at paying my bills. Actually, the only way I can pay my bills is because I'm afraid of the mail. Should I ask you why you are afraid of mail? Oh, I don't know, I just have anxiety when opening envelopes. So the only way I can do it is to put all my mail in, let it accumulate for a couple of weeks and then I put it all in a sack or a pile, take it to work and then sit down. the floor and then I turn off all the lights and light a candle and then I open my email in the dark, which is the only way I can open my email you're the most fascinating person I've talked to in a long time, oh, it's okay I'm serious this is something really good I just want to know

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about you please ask me anything I want to tell you everything yes you will now I'm scared I'm scared you will come back because I want to know more no no no no he was in jail and then when he came out he painted a picture of me naked he painted a picture of you now he painted it he painted a picture of a naked woman and then he said he says it's me, he's right and that he gave her, he gave her eyes Asians and then his feet and then I just brought, I just brought him a sacred painting, I never saw your butt in real life, I made the butt very big and I made your eyes.

More Asian, that's me and he asked me if he could bring me a housewarming gift. I had never met him before in my life. He showed up at my house in a white suit, barefoot and without shoes, and he gave me a painting on a piece of wood that's bigger than me, that's just a naked me, and then he gave it to me and then he went out and jumped on it. my pool and then it was gone. Can I get a warm hug first? It's okay, I love them too, old forever. This is very creepy, the boy pushes an old woman in a wheelchair down a hill into a shallow grave.

Goodbye Grandma, I really want to see this movie. This looks great. You look dangerous. I'm sorry. Can't. No? Have you ever said that before? You seem like a dangerous person, yeah, sure, I mean, I think it has something to do with the tone of my voice and something in my eyes, or you bite someone, and I'd rather you not hit yourself in the I don't want the other eye, I I'll hit whenever I want um and Aubrey like April um you've taken the disaffected to new heights or lows I'm not sure which and I admire it every time I look at you on the screen and I was wondering if there is some kind of method for that or if It is natural.

Um, yeah, I guess it's just natural. I sold my soul to the devil. This is my first time wearing a long dress, so soak it up in America and get used to it. To this, how is your skin handling it? the reaction to expensive fabric. um, my half Puerto Rican skin from Delaware is like what's going on right now, how are you two friends, um, how do we know each other? I went on Kathy's show and she pierced my ears. on live television you are very brave don't do it don't do it what are you talking about?

I did it, I pierced her ear on live TV and went up a bit, so I don't want to say I mutilated her. I missed the mark, I actually maimed her, I almost damaged my cartilage, it could have been very dangerous, but the whole time she was on my show she kept saying, Can I meet Joan Rivers? No, you learn about livestock and animal husbandry and things like that. right, um, and you know I've done some things that I've gotten into, you know I've sheared some sheep in my time and, um, no, seriously, you've sheared sheep, yeah, do they fight back when you share them?

No they sing and I tell you stories and they're like they're really sweet let's just ride the horse in a car wash is what I'm asking I'm naked on the horse what no nothing what did you say did you just say you're naked on the horse is yeah , maybe I don't know, so you're both fair, we're both really bad, the horse is riding me, I mean, no, no, they're asking me to rap, go to hell, I wanna hear it. I want to hear about riding naked and he tells me to rap. I thought you knew how to produce a television show.

She talks about riding a horse naked and you say, "Let's go to the commercials. Everyone calm down, to the Young Hollywood Awards and all the young people stay young um you old people, oh, old people can go alone, why? I'm going to live forever and then I left. What should I text my future college roommate? That's a really good question, Julie Powers. Um, I would text him something like Hey, What's up? I'm so excited to meet you. P.S. Uh, satan is my number one. To an all-girls Catholic school he ruined you somehow. Oh, how long do we have?

Did you ever consider becoming a nun? It's true, yes, my first job was in a convent, oh my God, I was a receptionist, it was called a fortress. I answered the phones and I was mainly the shoemaker. This is a true story. Am I right? who are you?