How To Heal Your Emotional Trauma & Past Wounds w/ Dr Frank Anderson

our

wounds

seek redemption unless they are

heal

ed, okay you stay with the same guy or girl, maybe it's an upgraded version, but it's redemption for our

wounds

, that's why there is a 50 divorce rate in the world, honestly, because we keep looking. because you're going to be the father to the mother I never had you're going to love me the way I never was is repeating the pattern but looking for redemption instead of

heal

ing it and then looking for something that's healthy Alright, welcome back to the show, everyone , I'm excited for today also based on the moment.

Today we're going to talk about mental health, mental well-being, mental fitness, happiness, happiness, overcoming

trauma

and all that kind of good stuff, and especially, you know. If you're listening to this over the holidays, some of you will be hearing it in six months, but the time is also right and I'm so excited to have Dr. Frank Anderson with me today. Frank is a Harvard-trained psychiatrist and psychotherapist, so "We're talking about an IQ gap that's pretty big between the two of us today as you listen, but he's the author of a book called Transcending the Trauma I Was Clued To and I'm very excited to share his wisdom with you, his work and his ideas, as we also help him with his mental well-being, so dr.

anderson

, thanks for being here brother, well, thank you very much for having me, but I really appreciate it and please call me

frank

, okay

frank

, you got it, call me ed.

Also, the other day I was reading a survey that said that about 24 people report some type of mental illness or conflict in their life. Why do you think such a percentage. high of people during such an interesting time in our culture are that unhappy? Do you think there are really that many factors going on from my perspective? I mean, clearly, one of them is a pandemic. I mean, it really has people in a place they never thought they'd be in and, in particular, the ongoing nature of it, you know? I've been studying the neurobiology of PTSD and dissociation for a long time, but this is an ongoing thing and it goes on and on and on and you know we've been through a lot of different forms of this so far and people understand really exhausted it's called adrenal fatigue their systems can't keep up with it our cortisol levels can't keep up oh a vaccine oh no another variant keep going don't leave like it's too much for our systems so it's wearing everyone down and then there's that right part and then there's the pre-pandemic world in general, I mean, there's a lot of hardship in the world and people are struggling and you know 20 of the population is depressed at any given time outside of a pandemic, this term PTSD, so you know, I read a lot about those. things and I had an interesting education.

When I say interesting, there was surely some

trauma

there, yes, and I think a lot of people who hear this see that and wonder when I think of PTSD as PTSD. To a layman, the first thing I think of is soldiers fighting, that's the first thing I think most people think of, yeah, and then I think maybe it's some super dramatic problem that happens in childhood, but what? How would you define post-traumatic stress disorder? How broad is the spectrum of that and how would you describe it totally yeah, that's a great question, and it is a spectrum.

I think trauma is spectrum disorder. One of the things I say in my book is that everyone has some kind of overwhelming life experience, no one is immune from it. Well, people don't like this word trauma so much in the general public that they don't like the word PTSD oh that's not me so I really define trauma on a spectrum of life experiences so overwhelming and It often has to do with the perception of the person experiencing it right, you can get bullied on the school playground and be like whatever, it's no big deal and someone else you know,

your

friend sitting next to you.

Your side, he gets bullied on the playground and has a terribly difficult experience with it, right? So it depends on the nature and event of what happens and it also depends on how the individual perceives it. You know, we're talking about a single incident, car accident, death of a loved one, being shamed like who in the world hasn't been shamed. at one point in his life, uh, to continue with this piece, I don't know if you're aware of this. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey wrote this book recently and it has a lot to do with ongoing relational trauma, okay, so there's a part of relational trauma we call it complex PTSD, right, and that's where most of the dysfunction arises. family members, when you're relationally, you know this, whether it's drinking, yelling, neglect, there are a lot of things that happen in families that are considered dysfunctional and traumatic and have an effect on the people you know, which is different than that whole other spectrum where people get kidnapped and beaten and raped that's one extreme so I really see trauma on a spectrum and no one is free from it yeah okay that's great I'm so glad you said it's that way because I think a lot of people maybe dismiss the things that have happened.

These emotions are installed in our neural chemistry when we are young, when certain things happen or when we are older. It's a strange analogy, but I want to I want in a minute guys how to overcome these things. The strange thing I want to share with you is just thinking about preparing for this while I was preparing to be with you. Yes, I have two little Pomeranians and one of them is. This cheerful little Pomeranian lily is her name and she has been with us all her life. She's had a pretty happy life, you know. My other daisy was taken from someone and the type of model our hairdresser asked us to take and they had left it there. cars and she had neglect and all these other things and there are associations that she makes with different things where she will just like yesterday I didn't take her for a walk, she walks out of the house, she just starts shaking and shaking, so there is this connection. she is made with certain circumstances, places and things as anchors or triggers, you almost have humans who have these anchors and triggers, many times we are not aware of them, so can you explain to us what happens to us when a trauma occurs? some type of trauma and what is an anchor and/or a trigger or what at least I'm using my own terminology for that yes, that's exactly right no, you're doing a great job honestly, you've done

your

homework, let me tell you that because It's true, so every time someone has an overwhelming experience, it's stored in their body, it's okay, and it can be stored in many ways: you can store it

emotional

ly, you can store it physically in your body, and you can store it in thoughts and beliefs, so that every time we go through something overwhelming, it gets stored inside us and then what ends up happening, Ed, is that we have this series of ways of trying to protect ourselves, it's the normal response, so in the work that I do, which is called internal family systems, you develop protective parts of yourself that try to protect you from your overwhelm most people experience and we'll call them defenses, you know, but they're protections.

It's okay to protect yourself from your pain, and then what ends up happening if you have an overwhelming experience at children's college? Whatever is still stored, you think it's gone, but it's not, every time it activates, if your boss yells at you like an adult, it triggers those wounds that are still there and then your protectors jump, you scream, you scream, Babies, you do whatever it takes to make our protectors appear once our wounds heal. It was triggered, okay, and this is what happens to people you know, people who come to therapy don't say, hey, I want to work on the fact that my mother and father didn't love me, like that doesn't happen. out what people think they are like me.

I'm having problems with my kids I'm getting in trouble at work I'm unhappy I'm this is my third relationship like those are the protective parts that aren't working so well in someone's life but they're really rooted in their trauma, are they always Are they people or circumstances or can they really be places that I have had? I've had this belief system that sometimes I think someone might walk into a room that looks like a room where a trauma occurred or a space or they find themselves four hours later at work sad and depressed and not knowing why. what and there was a trigger that occurred when they entered.

Even I know I'm going really deep into this, but I want everyone in the audience to understand everything. they can be spaces they can also be triggers 100 people can be triggers you look at someone you're like oh my gosh that reminds me even though it's not the same person spaces can be activated getting on a plane can be activated being in the seat back of a car like there were so many things because any environment you were in was overwhelming, people code that, you know, so I heard someone say "Oh my God", when I was being abused, I was looking at the door handle because that's what I was concentrating on and So doorknobs scare them, you know what I mean?

It can be anything and most people are not aware of the triggers. They think it comes out of nowhere, but it doesn't come out of nowhere. There is always a trail. Going back to the trigger of what activated what happened to you in your past, what if you don't know is why therapy is so important, because I think a lot of people avoid therapies that can lead to sophisticated work that Why do you think that therapy has such a stigma and is that the way to correct this? someone simply becomes more aware if it is about minor things and actually starts living better just because of their knowledge.

Yeah, that's a great question that I have to tell you because you know it depends on where you live in the country, if you live in Boston. area in New England or you live in California those people get a lot of therapy like everyone has a proper therapist so it depends on what region you live in around the stigma you know in a lot of places in the Midwest a lot of A places in the south they like it and cultural differences too, honestly, certain cultures are in therapy, yes, let's get help that makes sense, other cultures don't, no way, so it depends on where you live, it depends on the region, but generally there is a stigma around mental health. health because people like me don't need help I'm strong I'm not weak like people call vulnerability right go to therapy I'm vulnerable forget that shit I don't want to be weak and vulnerable right that's why I love Brene Brown so much she calls vulnerability a superpower, not a weakness, and I'm okay with that, so one of the things that I honestly do when I work with any teenager, I want to give them the experience of asking for help, it can be a good thing if the child learns that it's a game changer. game for them, you know, so people have this.

I'm not weak, I don't need this, and in fact, they end up falling apart by getting it. Their life is a mess and then they leave reluctantly, but honestly. I'm going to say instead of nine times out of ten, honestly, it's ten times out of ten, it's rooted in something from your past that you've buried to get away from people, get away from the pain, you know, it's like men from The caves will touch the fire, the fire hurts, oh gift. You don't touch the fire anymore, it's kind of like we're organized to stay away from pain.

How do you think you can sometimes evaluate yourself? I want to say this, I don't want to say that therapy is necessary because I'm a big believer, I think sometimes there's an economic aspect to therapy, um, but I'm aware of my own patterns that I know come from what I would call trauma in my childhood, it could just be a dysfunction, it could be that your parents didn't do it. Did I ever hug you well or no one said I love you or there was a divorce, that's a trauma that fits within that spectrum, yes, but for me, one of the things that I'm super sensitive to is people being honest with me until the end. extreme or what are you really doing when you are away from me to the extreme and that has affected the relationships that I have been in in my life and I have evaluated it because my dad was doing things that I didn't know he was doing and I couldn't trust him. what I was doing, so I think sometimes just being aware of your current behavior patterns can help you draw the line back to what that trauma potentially was now in terms of solution and you can comment on that if you'd like. , but I just want to share that with my audience and there are other things like someone around me getting too drunk.

Some people think that's cool and fun for me. It's like he wants to be away. of them so bad because I experienced those things, so I'm curious, although you have the eight C's of what you call self-energy in the book, which is incredible and I don't want to give it all away because I want people to understand the book and, by the way, This is two percent, so get the book everyone, but can you explain to us what energy is?own and how it works and maybe what the hc are if you can get them out of your head completely?

See how many I can think of, but you know what's interesting, so I want to tell you a couple of things: One of my favorite quotes from my book is that trauma blocks love, love heals trauma, it's okay and it's cyclical. . peace trauma blocks love and connection blocks who we are and in fact love and connection is what heals trauma wow very good very good okay and I think this is my mission it really is my mission because you don't have to go to therapy in some way this is the reason why I'm bringing this to the public is that you're talking about self-awareness, self-connection, this idea, this mindset to do better, so it's super important, okay, and I want, I want, I want this message reaches as many people as possible, that's why I'm moving out of the therapy room and into the general public and I appreciate that shows like this help me get that message across correctly, we're getting it across bro, I'm sure I love it, thank you for that and that's why everyone has this.

What we call self-energy is inherent wisdom and healing capacity and I believe we are born with it, it is not something that needs to be cultivated and believe me, many people with severe trauma do not have it, I am devastated. I'm empty and you know what I tell them, we can agree to disagree, you have it in you, you have that wisdom and healing ability, that's why I say it sometimes, so maybe not everyone has to go to therapy, you have what you need. inside of you and let me help you access it, okay, it's accessing that inner wisdom and I call it state of being and you know, because it's a model and it has mnemonics, we say the eight c's are okay, but I'll give you I'll say some of the right c's compassion calm curious connected brave there's probably another one, I think, or another creativity creativity there you have creativity and I don't want people to think that's a c word per se, it's just that that's the mnemonic model love openness is part of it. of self-energy is a state of being you could say something like this to someone yes, I am compassionate or you could say oh yes, I really care, do you feel the difference?

Absolutely yes, that's what I'm talking about, it's not a word, it's a state of being, I'm open, I'm receptive and it's not just towards other people, it's towards the parts of us that have been through trauma, okay, so I do. What we do is direct our own energy inward, can I be compassionate? and loving towards the part of me that was hit as a child towards the part of me that was shamed and bullied on the playground because what we tend to do remember I said those protectors push it away to protect us from the pain of the method Here it is access to your own energy and bring it towards loving yourself, loving the pain you went through, that is the healing quality.

This is what I call inner attachment work, we are healing the inner wounds and we have the ability within us to do it I just want to help people get there that's so beautiful I hope I really hope everyone hears that because there is this debate for true compassion curiosity calm clarity connectivity confidence courage and creativity all these are things that you have access to within you and sometimes there is this big debate on social media, especially in entrepreneur spaces, many entrepreneurs, not all, but many follow my work and yes, they make fun of this, oh self love, but you don't want to change anything about yourself and that's not the case.

What we are discussing here what we are saying is that you have access within yourself or you are saying rather and I agree that you have access and the ability to love yourself even though there are things about you. I think sometimes there's a buildup where some trauma occurs, so we create these coping mechanisms, whether it's drinking, cheating, lying, dissociation, or whatever those things are, then we act and behave in a way. of which we are not proud. of right, right and then it accumulates, then we find ourselves at 20 30 40 50 years old with this pile of things that we have done or behaviors that we have had that we are not proud of and now it is like a double pile.

Things happened to me, I don't really know why I'm doing this, but I lied, I cheated, I stole everything I did and there's this pile, so I was a little curious about the idea of ​​self-forgiveness too, yeah, and I know that It's not necessarily part of the book per se, but there are little pieces that allude to it. What's up with that? Part of what you would call self-compassion is forgiveness. down there or what would you say about that totally, so forgiveness is a big part of it honestly and there's forgiveness of yourself, the parts of you that work so hard to try to protect you, yeah, that have done unfortunate things, okay, those protective parts, parts that drink, that scream, that scream, the reason we yell at our children is because their behavior triggers our wounds, so we try to prevent them from doing that so that our wounds don't activate properly, so that those protective parts I'm always looking at the intention of them, not the effect of them, drinking, cheating, lying, the intention is to protect my pain, that's big, the effect is that it causes what I call a double trauma in our life because, like you just said, it's not just that I'm dealing with moving my childhood away from this wound, I now have to deal with the fact that all the behaviors that were ingrained to protect me have caused more problems in my life.

Yeah, okay, so we're seeing the positive intent of every part of the suicide cut, you know? Suicide is one of the most effective protections if things get bad enough, I'm out of here, yeah, and we say to the suicidal party, thank you for having a solution to this problem when no one else was there to help you, okay, Face it, the same heroin epidemic. What people are doing all the opioids, heroin, to protect themselves from their pain because they still have no other option. Yeah, you know, I was thinking about it. By the way, I love this.

It is interesting for me. I'm 50 years old. Is now. Maybe at this stage in my life I reflect more on things that happened when I was a child and yes, because there are like double-edged swords in these coping mechanisms. I don't know if you agree with this or not, that's exactly what I'm saying yeah, yeah, like for example, for some reason, I caught my dad's attention, if at least that's what I thought, it's probably not even fair to say, but I get my dad's attention when I hit a home run or when I would get an A or when I would perform to a certain point that coping mechanism has helped me help me become a rich man help me become an influential man help me become a great worker but there is another side to this so let's address this sometimes these coping mechanisms are also hard to break because for example in business my nervousness or anger is the reason I am so successful.

I don't want to lose that part of me even though I know it's not very healthy because it helps me do it. This other thing I do very well, so how do you navigate where you're going? I want to keep the good things about this coping mechanism that I have, but I want to leave the part that is harmful to me and the people around me, yes, that's exactly what we do, it's because we hold each other, I call them the gifts and the burdens. of every part, it's okay, we don't get rid of parts of us, it's okay, we get rid of the work you were forced to do, oh.

It's so good, right, we don't get rid of the drinking part like, say, let's take a drinking part, I say, what if you didn't have to drink all the time? Are you interested in that? What if you didn't have it? What if it could be a choice? So we try to help release the things that we needed to do to protect the wound and then we keep the things that we want to do right and the only way is for these parts of us to stop doing what they need to do. What I do is heal the wound.

If I heal the wound, I no longer need to do this. I could choose not to get rid of any of our parts. We get rid of the work they were forced to do so well. to protect the pain so you see what I mean that's what it is and they have good things I had this like smart was who I was I thought that's who I am that's who I am and I had an identity crisis when I was like wait a minute smart is a part of me, not all of me, was like shit, who am I then?

Yes, look, I can still hold on to my intelligence, but it doesn't have to dominate every aspect of my life, now I can be playful. It could be fun. You know, I can have a lot of fun with my kids. You know what I mean. Before, he dominated me because he worked overtime to protect me. I don't get rid of it, but it's an aspect of my personality. It's been valuable so I really strongly believe that everyone should go back and listen to this last part that we covered because there's this spectrum that we've talked about of different types of trauma, but what should happen to all of us like life should have. an element of self-reflection at every age, yes, and I think we are often so busy achieving, doing and caring for other people that we never accept the boys, this could be as simple as you start taking some time and be more. aware of yourself sometime in meditation sometime for a walk that is not just for exercise but is just to be with yourself to evaluate your patterns and emotions and what you feel regularly just to work on yourself a little at the end next year 2022 you would be a better person you will have grown and that is why I just want everyone if you want something complex where you are going to go to therapy you are going to do psychotherapy you are going to have a friend you talk to you are going to pray more you are simply going to observe your patterns you're going to do whatever it is self-reflection and self-awareness is a path to more happiness in your life and it's getting books like yours It's listening to shows like mine.

You are starting to work on yourself. How do you know, Frank, if you have post-traumatic stress disorder? Are there signs that I have had some type of trauma that I may not be aware of? And remember again, guys, PTSD could be you. You haven't embraced enough until you get to actual abuse in your life, there's the spectrum, but how do you know if there are underlying signs that I have some or all? It's a great question and I'll get to that in a minute. I just want to add to what you said because it was really important.

I was thinking to myself. I'm like this is what I talked about in the books. Self awareness. Personal connection. And you came up with it on your own, but that's what it is. about correct self-awareness and self-connection in its simplest forms and I also like to say ed how to take advantage of every moment what are you going to do with this moment are you going to learn from it are you going to repeat it are you going to ignore it like when you talk about well, let's look at the end of 2022, what did I do with my moments, like I think we're all here to learn, we're all here to grow or we just repeat it well so you can just take stock of your moment like it's send it's the moment like it's good bad moment with the child really difficult interaction at work how do you take your moment and what are you going to do with that moment I want the deep way I don't want to I don't want to interrupt you as if it were so beautiful, but what you said I just want to highlight, that if not If you do it, you will repeat it completely, you will simply have another one, it will be the same, a different boyfriend, but the same guy, different girlfriend, the same person, different friendship, different businesses, different level of results, same emotions, same patterns, if not you know so I just want to acknowledge what you said the depth of this let me add something else because the underlying reason for this is our wounds seek redemption unless they are healed okay you are still with the same guy or the same girl, maybe it's an upgraded version, but it's redemption for our wounds, okay, and if you don't address your weight, that's why there's a 50 divorce rate in the world honestly because we're still looking are you going to be the father or the mother I never had are you going to love me the way I never was is repeating the pattern but looking for redemption instead of healing it and then looking for something that is healthy, so I want to point that out to people so great that I have never heard that and that it's a wow wow wow, okay, so how do you know you had signs of it?

What are some of? The signs that you have some of this PTSD are so accurate that you know when you keep repeating things like you can't get out of your own way, why am I doing this again? You know why I'm here again and honestly the PTSD is low. the category of anxiety disorders like in the books and all this and the dsm, so to speak, is an anxiety disorder, so are you overwhelmed, are you anxious, are you reactive frequently, you go from high to low, like many Sometimes people with PTSD, honestly, they misdiagnose you as bipolar because it's mood swings, right, you have a lot of mood swings, you crash after they trigger you and you have periods of depression, you withdraw, you zone out, right , because you can move on from the shit, I'm going crazy Who cares what the point is I give up?

Those are these mood swings that are partsreally different ones that react and respond, so there is anxiety, there is panic, there is depression. PTSD is quite difficult to diagnose, interestingly many people misdiagnose it because it has many facets. right, and it has a lot of what we call comorbidities, people are anxious because they have eating problems, you know, eating disorders, substance abuse problems, like when someone comes in with a list of things, chances are it's rooted in in a trauma, okay, edd, another big overlap with PTSD, interestingly enough. enough and you know we can trade trauma just for pain, you know it's interesting with the achievers, the ones I work with, some of the best, you know, whether it's an athlete, an artist, a politician or whatever, to Sometimes they are all interesting. things that you have listed and then when they start to be achieved, yes, there is something they start to do with themselves and a lot of people will leave.

Oh my god, I'm doing this right now. Really worth it? What does this all mean? Once they start getting somewhere, they will feed themselves because they should be blissful, happy and proud. The only way to steal now is that it doesn't matter, it was all for nothing, it cost me all this other stuff, so I'm curious about the relationship part, let's say I'm going to, you know. I have whatever I have my luggage my patterns my things what happens if you interact? you're in a relationship, although let's change it, it's not so much us, but maybe it still is, but we're in a relationship with someone who clearly has these patterns he's clearly overcoming he's protecting himself by trying to heal some kind of trauma, whether it's which can range from minor to extreme, what advice would you give for interacting with someone who continues to behave in a particular way and is there a point at which they should do so?

Separating from someone, whether it's a friend, loved one, spouse, etc., a parent, what would be your advice? Yes, that is a problem for the entire couple. When you're in, you don't even have to be in an intimate relationship, but you are. talking about what happens if you're in a relationship with someone who has a history of trauma yeah okay so it's not a coincidence there's usually a dynamic there okay I hate to say it okay I hate bursting people's bubble , the people you know, pointing out the other person's problem because normally in that case there is someone who is active shouting shouting reactive and there is the passive one who tolerates it the one who allows it the one who feels attracted people tend to feel attracted to each other yes because They are similar wounds although they tend to show them differently.

Wow, okay, so someone could be a typical example and I'm going to use these gender stereotypes. Oh my god, she's so hysterical, she's so overwhelming with her feelings, oh my god, he's on the spectrum. I can't connect with anyone you know, a typical male and female gender dynamic, right, yes, the reality is that they both have wounds underneath that are similar because attraction is about the similarity in the wound, okay, then you can look totally different, it may be easy, it's much easier. blame the other person, but what I'm telling you is to make a U-turn.

What about me has been attracted to this person? screaming version versus the numb, dissociated, passive or disconnected version and there's usually that dynamic okay so I rarely see a couple where they both don't have a history of trauma like you say, yet they deal with it apparently opposite opposite ways, yes. Someone is brilliant and someone eventually becomes so toxic to you that you should absolutely cut them out of your life like you normally know? If it's that toxic and you don't have a history of trauma, you break up with it. Don't end up marrying them, you know what I mean, like I said.

Wow, this doesn't resonate with me, but what if you have that thing where you say you're going to fix them? You know what I say a lot. of the people have that I'm going to fix it I'm going to fix her uh, welcome to all the therapists that I've ever met by the way, okay, and I'm one person in that group, I was a great caregiver, don't go to the field unless you're a great caregiver, okay, you know what you're doing, although, frankly, I have to tell you what you do and I love this thing about brilliant people and that's you know while you're listening to this you can hear it. brilliance, I realize you are Harvard trained, but what you do that I love is that you take incredibly complicated and complex problems and solutions and make them simple and easy to understand because you no longer have the need to be the smartest kind of room.

You just are and that's why this is so helpful. I keep telling you this is my favorite because I really think this is making a difference for people so you think maybe someone should be eliminated. Let's now talk about some solutions. What is a corrective

emotional

experience, let's give everyone the gift of what it is and yes, and have you explained that yes? So a corrective emotional experience is really what I call a repetition, okay, so you're repeating your pattern, you're repeating your pattern you're repeating your pattern and a corrective emotional experience is when you do it differently at the time you do it. what you do differently, okay, for example, now this could be in a relationship with another person, but it's also within yourself, that's okay and it's what we like to do.

Is it so that in therapy there is sometimes the idea that the therapist is the corrective experience for you? I'm going to be everything you needed and wanted and never got an education in life. You're going to internalize that you're going to jump off into the sunset and be happy, right, people look for corrective emotional experience outside of themselves all the time now, sometimes, relationships are healing well, my relationship with my partner is an experience corrective emotional, he really is wonderful to me, he has been that person in a way that has been incredible, it is there and we can get it from other people, however many times these people are not who we needed and wanted them to be and then it becomes in a big failure, okay, then you have to think about changing and working internally to have the corrective emotional experience within this is where the real healing comes you remember that self-energy thing I talked about yes, self-energy can give you that little child inside of her what she needed and wanted and never got, is the true remaking, okay, it is the true remaking and it is through self-love, self-acceptance and self-connection just like you talked about and if I give it to myself same, then I will have different experiences in my relationships with other people because I won't need them to make me feel better, okay, then corrective emotional experiences can be useful in life in our relationships.

It's like I can remember the moment where I think, "wow, this is different." I'm not doing what I used to do and this person is not responding. ways people normally respond well to me so you can have a corrective emotional experience it feels different it lands different inside you you say oh this is different the way we get there is by giving ourselves what we didn't receive and always wanted: Can I treat myself with respect? can I love myself? Can I rate myself? because when I give it inside I don't desperately need it from someone else.

I can have it with someone else. It is an option in the face of desperation. Hmm. I'm just leaving it out there for me, yeah, because there's a practical way to give that to myself, in other words, an application of that, it's as simple as saying, you know, I'm actually going to give it to myself. a break when I make a mistake is telling yourself that you love yourself is feeding yourself a summary of all the good things you've done in your life like what's something practical I can do to give myself that gift yeah No, you know, I'm not a great person who makes affirmations because affirmations are not authentic, it's like convincing yourself that you love yourself, it didn't work for me so for me it has to be.

Can I connect? It really comes back to connecting with yourself, what I feel, what I need and want because we are taught to disconnect from ourselves to maintain connection with our parents. Yeah, okay, kids have to connect with their parents to survive, so they disconnect. themselves so it's easy so easy it's not easy it's as simple as what I want what I feel good when you can connect with what you feel good I can't tell you how many people said I knew this relationship was shit but I married him of all Anyway, yes, we know what we feel, we disconnect from it, so they are simple moments of taking a pause, what do I do?

I want to go to that party, you know what I really can't. Could I take the risk and not go? Yeah because other people don't care as much as we think they care, that's actually true and then I treat myself kindly even for a moment it's like oh huh and like that, every time you treat yourself kindly you're giving yourself a very good corrective experience. , I just got one and then did it this year. Okay, I love sharing things with my audience, when someone says something brilliant, just an app for me. I have always taken a look at my question. you said and said so many brilliant things that I want to make sure I repeat the one that stands out for me, which is what I really want or need right now and for me, I've had all these different things in my in my life I've had anxiety I've had frustration I have had depression I have also had there have been moments in my life of joy and bliss and ecstasy and passion and expectation and I found for myself I have never had peace yes What I really want is peace in my childhood there was no peace, it was to love many, many times loving amazing and then sometimes not and I haven't had peace finally I said, Ed, what do you really want that you don't have that?

I can access my inner self any time I want and it was peace and I have really worked this year to give myself the gift of more peace, notice more gratitude, put myself in situations that bring me peace and avoid those that don't. I didn't do a great job, I did better, I'm progressing towards more peace, it wasn't just a decision and that's it, that's it, I have peace now I have tons of patterns, people and situations. in my life that there are around me that are not peaceful, yes, but little by little I am creating more peace in my life, so I love that you said that and it is a direct application for me in my life now, one thing is I've never had a problem with it, but most people do.

I want to ask you about the full right turn here. Yes, I have no problems making decisions. I am a decisive person. I have never had this fear of this being right or wrong many times. I think you could make both work, but I find that many people struggle with anxiety and fear when it comes to making a decision, especially one that might be bold, like a career change, ending a relationship, starting a relationship, or start a business, so what? What would you say to someone who faces high levels of anxiety and fear when making decisions in their life?

Yeah, so I wish it was a little simpler. I'd like to say one or two bullets, okay, but what I would do. What I am saying about fear in making decisions is that you really have to look at what the underlying problem is in relation to the fear, for example, some people are afraid to make decisions because they are afraid of losing, is it this house or that house if I choose this one? house that means I can't have that house well so that's a loss problem so the root of that is I'm afraid of losing something okay other people fear because fear is usually related to problems decision-making, will I do it if I choose it?

If I say no, I don't want to go to the party, they might not like it, that relationship might be over, I might hurt someone, I might disappoint someone, so I'm not afraid to make this decision based on what I know. the other person might feel on me, okay, so you're always looking at what's underneath, yeah, there's a lot of reasons why people have a hard time making decisions, honestly, you know, and it's very interesting because with my son the another day and I was saying that we had gone home for a family visit and I said, you know, sometimes it's hard to tell your parents what you really, even when you're an adult, you tell your parents what you really want because you're afraid. that they do it to you. be disappointed in you or you are afraid to know his reaction people are very afraid of their own feelings or that of another person and I loved what my son said, he is good, that is not a problem for me, I tell you how I feel everything time. and I was like, yeah, I did one thing right, you know, that's exactly the right thing, we do it, we're afraid of other people's feelings, whether it's feelings of loss for ourselves, feelings of how someone is going to think about us, so it's so rooted in emotion and fear is just a top layer of that honestly what it ends up being is that most people's fear is based on their inability to tolerate emotions okay whether they're my own emotions, oh my god, they're going to hurt me.

I am going to be sad. Someone is not going to like me or tolerate someone else's emotions as if they don't like me. They may simply bedisappointed in me. I may lose the connection. You know, the fear of making decisions usually has its roots in the inability to tolerate one's emotions. One way or another I have to take back what I just said now that you said I have a hard time making decisions in personal relationships, yes for the exact reason you just said it's okay and by the way the exact scenario What you just described is now when I'm doing this, it's a vacation and I've had multiple situations like that where I was filled with anxiety about them, maybe they'll never invite me back, maybe I can't, even though I had very legitimate reasons not to. can.

Wow, yeah, it's interesting because I would say I'm a very determined person. I think that's more about business or that kind of thing, but then in that other personal area, there are still these underlying fears. working on myself so you said something that I'm really glad you mentioned because I want to ask you about this for a lot of people and it doesn't have to be just the holidays, but it's the holidays as we're recording this, but it could just be random. anytime they're around family members, some of which are negative, some of which are triggers like we've described above and you know.

I'm going to go in, I'm going to see the uncle, blah, blah, blah, or the aunt, or a parent or whatever, yes, and that, and entering into this creates tremendous anxiety in people, tremendous anguish, does it? What advice would you give if you know what you are going to be? coming into an environment, a place, people that are probably going to activate you in a particular way or are just going to change your perspective and your energy, yeah, there's so many things that you know and by the way, I love saying this. not only the president of the hairdressing club, I am a member of this group, right, I also go home to my family, it's the same, I can't help it because we all fall into these old roles with the family, it's very true, we slip and You know we slip. in these old rolls, so you go back to the family dynamic, which makes it harder, so you lose stability, you lose your competence in the world when you go back to the family, so it's really complicated for the people you know in the re and we bring there, everyone wants the vacation to be perfect, like watching damn TV, all these beautiful moments, signature moments, whatever, that's not reality, we all take everyone to every family dinner, no I'm just bringing the good parts of me.

I bring the good and bad parts of me and so does everyone else at the table, so this idea that it's going to be perfect is ridiculous. I always think about the right expectations and especially, and now with the pandemic and some people have. I haven't even seen his family in two years, right. I'm going to visit my parents at the end of the month. I haven't seen them in a year and a half, so expectations are huge for perfection. Red flag Red flag I like red It's not going to work that way, so you have to deal with expectations and what I like to tell people is: What are my expectations?

What do I really want from this? Is it perfect ham? It is the best gift? or it's like a real connection, you know what I want from this, what my expectations are and we also assume that we know what other people's expectations are, ask your mother, ask your brother what they expect from this vacation because actually Maybe you want something different, ask your children because what we do is take our children with us. Don't worry, you're going to enjoy this. This is important. What are your expectations here? What do you want to achieve here? Reminds me of anyone who has done it. children and those who have been to Disney World spend all this money want it to be the best time of their lives and it is a spectacle, excuse me, it is terrible, right, it is because our expectations are very unrealistic and do not adjust to reality as such .

It all comes down to reality, what if you really connected with people in a way that you love and care about them and the things you have in common? Because there's this way that all the political decisions, the discussions, all the vaccines, blah, blah, blah, like why do we need to get vaccinated? in the differences instead of what we have in common there is a way that people show up with their differences because they want to be seen and heard well and what I am saying is that we have more in common than we are different, yes, and I prefer to focus on the similarities versus differences, it just happened to me recently, I went to visit my husband's family and they started politically, here you go, and I was like, "I'm not interested," it was, it was like "you know what I love." Guys, it's been so long, how about so-and-so?

And I changed the subject very well, it's a great technique, because you know, isn't it strange? Because I used to do this with my dad politically and we wouldn't agree on some things. It was like of all the things I love this man and we have so much in common and we love so many people and the same things, why in the world am I choosing the two percent of things we disagree on and The I'm rarely with him, yeah, it's because we want to be known, it's because we want to be known instead of us getting to know them, you know, and it's called theory of mind, it's the ability to get outside of yourself. and see if you can see what's important to them when I travel the world and before the pandemic I used to travel around the world teaching yes and trauma and internal family systems and everything, and what I will tell them is the trauma and the resilience of the The human spirit is everywhere, we all have that in common and that's why I want to tell people to unite in what they have in common during the holidays.

They may have a much better time. It's so good, so deep, and the reason you described it I never thought of before is. we want them to know us instead of us just connecting and meeting them where they are at least we know why we do it that's so powerful okay I have one last question well I'll just say this the more you get to know them the more they are I have a lot Curious to meet you. It's true. That is true in everything. By the way. Business relationships. Family. Everything I love when I play golf with someone for four or five hours and they tell a mutual friend.

Now I love Ed and then him. I'll say what it does because we spent the four or five hours talking well about them and then next time we'll probably talk about me, so you're right on the last question. I've really enjoyed this and I'm so glad it's happening right now for both my audience and me, this is just wonderful. That last bit is so hard: you had trauma in your life and a lot of people take that trauma that they've been through, whether it's, uh, them. They've survived cancer or they've lost a business or they got divorced or there was some kind of abuse in their life or whatever and then they tie their identity to the trauma of this survivor and their whole life becomes tied to this. identity of their trauma and they never escape it it's so obvious to me why it happens but it's sad what that is you are more than that like you said before yeah so what would you say to someone who has someone in your life is tied to your trauma like your identity or many may hear, wow, wow, maybe it does.

I am the divorced one. I am the one who lost a son. I'm the one who had cancer. I'm the one who had a business failure. I am the one who suffered this abuse or mistreatment, what would you say in one sentence? A part of you is not all of you, but yes, people take these parts as their identity. Okay and honestly, I'm going to say this and This may or may not be popular, but it's one of my mantras. One of my missions is when people identify too much with one side or the other. Okay, when you were talking about Ed like he was a victim.

I am a victim. I am what they assume as an identity. I always tell people that it's a part of you, it's not all of you and in fact we all have it all within us. I am interested in crossing this divide. Every victim has parts of a perpetrator. Every perpetrator has victim parts and we polarize because we want to be seen on one side instead of the other and honestly, I'm working on a show right now that talks about the victim and the perpetrator within all of us, okay, and This is what happens politically on one side or the other, as if we all have both sides and that is difficult for people to accept, but it is one of my missions and one of my mantras is: you know that you're not going to be. able to heal from your trauma unless you look at the ways in which you have perpetrated it, whether within yourself or on others, okay, so this polarity between us and them, I'm interested in breaking down that little wall and uniting the commonalities in all of us, well, you would change. culture if you could do that because I think you're trying I think you've changed a lot of lives today but that would change the culture I'm just very grateful for today but that idea that we both have a perpetrator and a victim is true Yeah, and it's hard to accept, yeah , and embracing the part of ourselves as the victim, ironically it's not that hard to embrace the part of ourselves that is the perpetrator, that's a whole other conversation and, today's conversation was fascinating, I hope you all stayed in the end because even here.

Towards the end there were some breakthroughs for me. I have to tell you, Frank, I really enjoyed this and I'm very grateful that we met and I already told you that. I think we're going to do this. Again, I really love doing this again, absolutely, you're amazing bro and again, guys, I love this trauma blocking love and love healing trauma, that's one of my favorite things I've ever heard and he's the author of a transcendental trauma that you should go look for. that book and you should share this program, it is the fastest growing program on planet Earth for a reason because we change people's lives every week by giving them the best of the best and Dr.

Frank Anderson certainly fits that description, Frank, thank you for being with us. here today thank you so much for having me I really appreciate it it was awesome okay everyone what you're doing I'm going to keep doing it bro and hopefully part of this you're part of the solution and I want to have Hello everyone , please share this and I just want to tell everyone that God bless you and maximize your lives. Hey guys, thanks for staying, if you want more, click on the videos. here are exactly what you need to see next and if you are new here please subscribe and become part of the max out community and tell me what you think about the videos in the comments below.

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