Bill Murray as Rodney Dangerfield’s Psychiatrist

(audience applause) - Doc, how are you? - Hello, Mr. Dangerfield. Mrs. Hanson, I will take all calls. (Audience laughs) Go ahead, Mr. Dangerfield. - I'll tell you, life is hard. I mean, today started out good. I received a dial tone, but the pressure is still there and this pressure is like a heaviness and it is always on top of you, this heaviness, since I am a child. Other people wake up in the morning. Ah, a new day, up and towards them. I wake up, the heaviness is there waiting for me and sometimes I even talk to it and say hello heaviness, and the heaviness looks at me.

Today you are going to get it right. You'll be drinking early today. - Do you still have the ringing in your ears? - Oh, it's getting worse. Are you kidding? Now I get busy signals. When I thought I was sick, my doctor told me to drink plenty of fluids and get plenty of rest. I drank until I passed out. I'll tell you, doctor, my whole family has been confused. My great uncle fought in the American Revolution. Well, he thought Washington crossed the Delaware because he had a girl in Jersey. (Cannon explosions) The British are coming, the British are coming! - Thank you so much.

They were right here! Who are you? - Harrison Dangerfield, I'm a minuteman. - Yes, well how come it took you half an hour to get here? (drum music) (audience laughing) - I took the George Washington Bridge. - If that happened? - It hasn't been built yet. (drums music) - Shoot this man! - Hey, wait a minute. Wait, I have three wives and a son. - Ready! -Who's ready? I am not ready! - Aim! - Hey, what happened to the spanking? (Audience laughs) - Fire! (gunshots) - Oh, I tell you, doctor, my family has always had problems.

Men always marry the wrong women. I'll tell you, doctor, to be happy in life you have to have the right woman. I had a cool girl once. She was wonderful, beautiful, brilliant. I love her. She was great. I left her for my wife and children. (Audience laughs) But my wife is a beauty. I told him she was seeing a

psychiatrist

. She told me that she was seeing a

psychiatrist

, a bartender and two plumbers. (Audience laughs) And I'll tell you, doctor, I'm like the rest of the men in my family. They weren't smart, they were stupid. (Audience laughs) But my Swiss uncle, Gunfer Dangerfield, got a job as a yodeler.

He forgot the lyrics! (faint yodeling) Yo, yo, yodelay! Yodelay, hey, hey! Hey you! (Audience laughs) I'll tell you, doctor, it all goes back to my childhood. Now remember, my mother and father divorced. There was a fight over my custody and no one showed up. (Audience laughs) Wow, I had a hard time after that. Well, for four years I was sent to a child psychiatrist. The boy didn't help me at all! I tell you, my family, nothing but losers. There is only one normal boy and the nicest in the world. He died in prison of unnatural causes. (Audience laughs) - What time is it, father? - You have about 10 minutes, my son, but I usually take about eight minutes. (audience laughs) (coughing) What's wrong with you, my son? (coughing) - I have a cold. - Don't worry, tomorrow you won't have it. (Audience laughs) - Now I want you to take this money and give it to the church, huh? - Oh, you are very kind, son. - It's okay, father.

I stole it from the church. (Audience laughs) Have you heard from the governor? - Yes, the governor called. He wants to meet your sister. (Audience laughs) - Thank you, thank you very much, father. Now, if you don't mind, I guess I have about a minute left, huh? - Are you afraid, my son? - No father. I'm not a chicken. - You're not a chicken. Well, tomorrow you'll be extra crispy. (Audience laughs) - Well, father, I would like to be alone now if you don't mind. I'm not even Catholic. - I'm not even a priest. I'm just here to cheer you up.

I like people. I am a sociable person. I love working with people. - Oh yeah? - Good. - Well, it's a pleasure to work with you. - Not yet, not yet! (loud thud) (electricity hum) (audience laughs) Hello doctor, what do you think? - Here are some sleeping pills I want you to take. - When should I take them? - Every time you wake up. (Audience laughs) You know, Mr. Dangerfield? He's suffering because I think he doesn't get anything, what's the word? I appreciate, that's not all. You suffer from a lack of self-esteem. Nobody gives you any reinforcement, any positive feedback.

Nobody caresses you. (upbeat saxophone music)