confessions from a girl with an avoidant attachment style

This is a confession video from a

girl

who has an

avoidant

attachment

style

. I came up with the idea for this video specifically because I see a lot of hate on the therapeutic side of social media towards people who have

avoidant

attachment

style

s and there is a lot of empathy for those with anxious attachment styles and I just wanted to talk about my experiences dealing with with avoidant attachment and how I realized I had it and the amount of shame and guilt I dealt with for having it when I was 13. There was this guy I liked and he and I were flirting and everything was cute and he liked me too so obviously the best course of action was to date or be together and once that became official I felt this kind of pain. in my chest at the time I didn't know this was an anxiety pain so I came home to my mom and panicked like I was basically having a panic attack.

I couldn't concentrate on anything. I could not eat. I could barely breathe I was basically throbbing I was so anxious I felt like I was trapped I felt like I was imprisoned like now because I have a boyfriend I'm trapped forever that's how I felt like I was lost I almost couldn't get out of it but I was 13 years old at the time. You know, I barely knew what relationships were, but for some reason my body felt caged and I remember that night I came home and I just couldn't. focus on anything but the pain I felt in my chest, the anxiety, the dread I felt and it was so strong it lasted for days.

I went to school and I was afraid and I didn't understand why because I liked it. I liked the guy and he liked me, so what was wrong? And finally the pain became so great that I had to end it because I simply had to begin the journey of my avoidance journey. I guess you could say Jesus, and then after that. a year later I started dating another guy and I still felt the same pain, but instead of giving in to that pain, I forced him to control it because I felt ashamed for feeling that way, you know, why was I trying to rationalize that, why do I feel imprisoned I'm not I'm free to choose so I kept it and I kept it and I kept it and I wasn't happy and I was stressed and anxious and I couldn't eat and I couldn't I slept and finally I became numb to the pain and I said well, you have to be. in a relationship Alex, that's what life is about, you find someone and then you calm down and that's it, but it's the calming down part that stresses me out, it's the official part of the title being in a relationship at that time that stressed me out , I felt like this was like whoever I was with, this would be the life I could live and I had no freedom to choose and at this point I was very unhappy. instead of saying that I didn't want to be with the person anymore for reason That's a bit absurd right, it doesn't make any sense because why the hell would I do it?

Why do that? Logically, it doesn't make any sense if a person is okay, so I just kept it in. I dealt with the pain. I suppressed all my emotions and my feelings and just went from relationship to relationship basically like I forced it down because I felt so ashamed because I knew. that what I was feeling was not normal. I felt a little different about relationships than most people and it felt like a prison to me, but I still kept doing it because that's how society works, so I looked at everyone else in relationships and I saw how happy they were. they were and how carefree they were. they were and they didn't have any worries about anything, they just went ahead and lived life and because I was miserable, I was always looking for something new, so I'm really embarrassed to say this, but I always found someone else.

As the person I was with, I never felt like I was enough and that's my fault because I was doomed to fail from the beginning and the years go by and I always wondered why I had this anxiety to settle down. I see people around me completely happy being married and having children. for some reason every time I think about it it fills me with so much anxiety like stress and anxiety it's like I'm losing my freedom it's a horrible thing to think about and I and I and I'm fully aware of it that and I don't want to think that way, No, not really, but I know I'm not, I'm not, in most people it's scary because it's not necessarily the other person.

It's guilt, you know, after that relationship I started to be a lot more honest with my partners and how I felt because I didn't know what else to do because anyone I was with would love them and they would be amazing people and if it wasn't for some reason, There's that part of me that always doubts it, always, always, and when I think about settling down and making it permanent, it creates a vis Al reaction inside my body, I feel like my heart is being taken out of my body, that's all. It hurts and I don't want to be like that and you know I've been to therapy and therapy is because you pay $196 an hour to tell me to journal and meditate like you're ready.

Many people really hate the avoidance and avoidance identification attachment style, but you have to understand that it feels like a lack, like a loss of your freedom, as a human being you feel that way internally even though your mind doesn't think that way. Even though your mind says well, well, this person is amazing and this person you know you love this person, that's what it feels like, you feel like you're trapped in a cage and there's fish drinking and you're doing everything you can. to get out, but you can't, at the same time, you actually can. but there's no good reason for you just because you're afraid, I don't know if that's ever going to change for me, you know, that anxiety, you know it and it's something I talk about with my partners because you know I love them and I want to be with them, but they have to know that this is something I struggle with and struggle with intensely.

It took me a long time to get there to be able to talk about how I feel and I still struggle with that to this day because I am a conflict avoidant person. I'd rather just deal with the pain because I know what I'm feeling is abnormal and it's like I know the person probably won't understand me or judge me, so I'd rather just keep it inside and suffer with it and basically punish myself for feeling guilty because I feel guilty. At the same time, it's like I have to give myself a break, you know, as long as you try not to hurt people. that's all you can really do because we all have ours, whether we know where it comes from or not, a lot of times I feel very abnormal about the way I feel and I'm here thinking too much like, oh, this is what my life?

It's going to be like this for the rest of my life oh, is this the right person oh, this is going to be uh that's this one or is there someone better? It's just an endless loop that you're fighting and all you want to do is you want to run away so you run away and you start that cycle again because you have no idea what else to do because that pain eats away at the pain of commitment because it's a such a big word and it's such an important thing and it makes the The wrong choice is a complete detriment to your entire life, so that eats away at me whether I love the person or not, but especially if I love the person.

Yeah, I'm selfish, I guess, because as long as I keep going through all the pain. that I feel like it hurts the person even more and I know I don't know what else to do and people can sit here and give me all the advice they can but maybe they don't know what it's like You don't know what it's like to deal with the constant fear of having You have external bubbles outside of you that tell you what to do and it seems very easy to them, but internally you struggle to follow what everyone else is doing, so you start to question yourself.

IM up? Social networks would say yes. The sphere of psychology would say yes, but I think we are all a little higher. It's simply about accepting who we are and who we are in order to be better people. That's it, yes, I feel like this video. It's going to be misinterpreted in many ways, I hope not, but that's all, thanks for watching.