Dave Chappelle On Will Smith & Chris Rock Oscar Slap

boy yeah, hard times for black people, I'm not going to say anything about the police, I'll leave it to Chris Rock, another great sports story was the Ray Rice tape, anyone watch that Ray Rice tape? I can't stop watching it, it's horrible, that's the most violent thing I've ever seen happen to a woman who was shot in really bad colors, like I could freeze time in that moment and give Ray Wright some advice. I don't think there is any possible way. I would say you should hit. she in the face is terrible out there at the same time I also think she shouldn't have rushed him how he was no, you can't beat him miss, don't rush him to train to toughen up with people in the clutch he's going To take advantage, the The reason I mention it is because you know he's about to play football again.

You didn't know that a federal judge told the NFL they had to reinstate the Rays' rights because he was transparent with his investigation, he said. They tell them exactly what he did and they can't just change his decision just because the tape came out. I understand. It's like he's hanging out with my friends. I say: Hey guys, guess what I did last night with this big fat girl? I met at the club and I was like, oh Dave, that's crazy and then they see a tape of me doing it and they say we can't hang out with you anymore, that's not what this team is about, what I told you.

What really happens is that the tape was made before they got married. Isn't that so strange? I don't know why she did that. I didn't know why he would do that as a man because you want to live with a woman you had. once you got punched in the face with all your might, that's a very bold color, type purple, silly, come here and shave me, you know what you think. I had to ask an older friend just to get some perspectives. An older black guy, actually the most beautiful person. I have met him once and asked him.

I just said: Hey, man. I said, did you see that Ray Rice video? and instantly he was like David, that was disgusting and then a moment later he was gone. I wonder what he said. I don't think that matters. I think the idea is that you're not supposed to punch him in the face. My wife calls me terrible. My wife once called me out in front of dinner guests. I know I started to get angry, but then I thought she was probably right. I am a. She admits that I am soft, warm and persuasive like a real one and then I told her that if you don't take care of me properly I could be a snake like yours.

I always fight dirty in the Chapelle house, it's no big deal, no, no, yes. You want to get to the bottom of a matter of the heart what you're supposed to do is ask a woman now there are actually two women that I know, they are both college professors in this small area that I live in and I meet them twice a week in Starbucks to have coffee, talk about important things and I asked the girls in the coffee group, I told them why they think this woman stayed with Ray Rice after he punched her in the face with all his might and a of my friends said David. you need to wake up she's staying for the money well now wait a minute because my other girlfriend said I don't agree I think she really loves him and that's it wait a minute ladies you know what I think we both They are right and what.

What I was doing when I said that was preserving the possibility of a threesome with these. I've been shipping this cup of coffee at a time for like four years. I'm gonna waste all that hard work on some ray rice that don't I don't care much I'm just being honest it depends man it's a tough time for blacks I love you too and then here comes the banana peel I'm waiting for anything, you know, that's how it starts. I saw the newspaper today. I saw the newspaper. Today's paper says the guy who threw the banana at me was arrested again because he threw a banana at another crazy bar, look it up online after the show, he actually did that and that guy was black too and you know what one guy said What did. at night he said i did it because

dave

chappelle

is a racist so that's not the best way to handle that, if i'm a racist what if martin luther king just went around shooting pot on white paper, would that work?

I see your girl bubbling. Drunk as hell dude, listen sir, I don't know what she's saying, but take my advice, give her some water or she'll be eating crab when she gets home. This cock

will

be shaped tomorrow Santa Maria, who has it? a cigarette there anyone has to see where uh yes you fell oh yes please let me see this this is a Marlboro menthol this could have been anyone it was a Newport it would be like a blank thing through that but wonder menthol that's one of the real is the offensive word, okay, just checking this check, I asked that crowd when he was in Denver, I said is the offensive word and the whole crowd said no, except for two people, one was a woman in the front, He's older than me, maybe around there. my age, uh, I'm definitely a feminist, you know what I mean, short haircut, plain shirt, you know what I'm saying and she didn't say it, she was offended by what he said and she said I'm uncomfortable with that word and she I said, really you uh and then before I could ask you why there was another guy, he was on the balcony, I don't think he was telling me this, but he said this, everyone heard him say, it's delicious, I don't think I did it.

At some point in my life I had heard it called delicious, this does not mean it is bad, but it is definitely an acquired taste. I don't think any of us try it the first time like he needs anything. You know it's illegal for a gynecologist to say that. word, they can only say vagina or they can name individual parts medically, but they can never say shorthand, even if the gynecologist is a woman, I feel like there is a woman in college at school, am I right? girl, I don't think the men should be. We're allowed to be gynecologists, that's a conflict of interest, even when my wife was pregnant, we should go to the gynecologist and he put her legs in that stirrup like that, he'd be like, "Okay, Chappelle, just try to relax, I push upwards".

I get this, just tell me what to look for in one of those at-home checkups. There are too many ethical questions like, can a gynecologist lose his license for smelling his fingers during exams? Is it so illegal how could they not do it? These are men, it's like you have a good barbecue, you don't even think about it, just the word solo is offensive if you're older people my age and younger, I don't think we've even danced to that song that comes on the radio, I beat this up on the radio. I beat him up, it's a pretty tough song, it's nothing like a love song, there are no clues, no tears, there are no midnight trains in Georgia, this man just beats him up, unbelievable, you don't even know if is having sex with these women, maybe they'll just walk away.

With his pants down it

will

be as if he could be watching HBO. I'm Larry Merchant standing here ringside with him after a devastating 50 cent bottle. Let me talk to you for a second. Oh my god, you look terrible. Your lips appear to be swollen. bleeding a little bit tell me what happened inside that ring with 50. I don't know there I felt very good in the first round I was ready to fight it's hot and humid and um I don't know if you see it from angles that I didn't expect, the front left side and rear was the one that surprised me the most, let's look at the fourth round, this is where everything went wrong for you, here you come out of your corner, if it's really good, it looks like you have 50 with a right left inside 50 slips, you hit there, right there, you see it hit you right in that um, that little bean that you have on the top of your head, I don't know what that is, but there's 50 just hitting. aiming at that bean over and over again and that tells me what goes through a fighter's mind when his beam moves that way.

I don't think he was thinking about anything, Larry. You know I'm a very good defensive fighter, it's very difficult to get. For me, uh, I've never been hit directly in the beam before. In fact, most fighters don't even know it exists. I guess you just hit me and then I lost control of my legs. I do not know what else to do. I tell you, I like it when little Wayne talks about little white. Little Wayne just heard that song. He said I have a bishop, he puts movies in my hot tub and says, "This makes it juicy." That always makes me laugh, but there's no guy who says no. only little wayne sing what you like if your shot is good it's juicy that's okay that's why I'm not underweight because if I was in a jacuzzi with a girl and I realized I was juicy while I was in the jacuzzi .

He would probably get out of the bathtub. I have a phobia of germs. I just cast a little Wayne like: what is this weird oil floating in my hot tub water? It's juice and she was so fun with me. I must have written like no less than 40 punchline jokes and they all work to some extent 100 of the time I'll do one more just so you believe okay, in the next piece there's a special csi episode, so some reason lil wayne guest star is the lead detective okay that's the setup are you ready? Here goes, has anyone else been to this crime scene?

No, it's very strange. This place has been virtually undisturbed. There is no forced entry. There are no signs of a struggle. A bright flashlight right here. What is this? What is this? Shine. By touching this juice plus, everyone is angry about something recently. Some gay bloggers attacked me online and it hurt my feelings. I don't have a problem with homosexuals, but I hate bloggers. I'm not saying that because this person was gay, they were acting online, they were like mischaracterizing my jokes trying to single me out when really it's like I'm your ally. I'm not trying to stop homosexuals.

The best thing I did was say things and try to become gay. People really hit me. It was like Dave Chappelle's jokes. I don't know how he actually talks when he does that voice. David Chappelle's jokes were an affront to the manhood of all gay men. What does that mean? I didn't say anything that alludes to gay men not being men, I know you meant, in fact, what could be more manly than another guy up the ass, that's the most gangsta thing I've ever heard in my life, I told you no I'm made for that. I'm a you know what I said, that's all I said first, I'll tell you right now what I said, uh, and I'll tell you this wasn't a joke, it's a true story and I just told him everything.

Right, what happened was I went to a party at a gallery, okay, I don't know who here has been rich before, but these are really nice parties, you know, wine and cheese and dance talk and there were some eccentric guys, one of which was a very rich man who happened to be wearing a dress, I don't know what his name is now, he was a drag queen, maybe whatever he was, he is definitely a man and this man was definitely on drugs, I don't know what kind of drug he was taking drugs, but I knew I had too many.

He didn't look good like that. He looked sick and all of his friends were standing around him worriedly trying to revive him. I don't know if he seemed like some kind of gay CPR. I saw all this from a distance now I should have minded my own business but I got curious and I went there all I said I said excuse me gentlemen gentlemen okay? and then they looked at me like I was evil. I mean word oh I'm sorry I didn't know this is what we were doing um this is my thing I support anyone's right to be who they feel they are on the inside I'm your ally in that however my question is to what extent do I have to participate in your self-image?

Is it fair that I had to change my entire pronoun game for something so serious? If I put on an argyle sweater and say, Hey everyone, I feel like a white guy in the sweater and I want some damn respect on a bank loan. It will not work. We have to be patient. They want want to use your case. They will arrest us if we answer. Hmm.