Why YOU Take Things Personally (and 4 Steps To Stop)

So taking

things

personally

is torture, right, it's really torture. Now we all do this sometimes and I'll mention why a little bit later, if it's a regular pattern of yours, I really want to help you

stop

because it's really creating a lot of

things

. of unnecessary pain for you, so I'm going to share with you in this video what you need to find out about this topic so that you can then

stop

taking things so

personally

because if you're watching videos and they're like oh just let it go, you know, breathe. a lot, which I recommend, but breathe a lot, forget it, let it go like it's not going to work unless you can get to the core of why you

take

things personally, so that's what I'm going to guide you through and I hope you This may be an active and very complicated video for you, so if you're in a place where you can

take

some notes or do a little writing, whether it's on your computer or a notepad, take it out if you're not if you're listening and you're on. movement you can see if you want to come back and do this with us if you are new to my channel my name is barbara heffernan and I am an international life coach.

I was a psychotherapist for 20 years helping people recover from anxiety and trauma. I now have a youtube channel to help bring information on how to live a happier life to people all over the world, so if you end up enjoying this video please subscribe and hit the like button, that helps a lot, well , let's get to this topic so we all go around the world thinking we're seeing things clearly, but in reality we're seeing things through our own lens and our lens is. shaped by our previous experiences, in a way by our personalities, by the societies and cultures in which we grew up, so we have a lens through which we see the world, so we are observing something, but it is different from how others might observe it and often if someone says something and you think they're saying this directly but it actually hits you like this and then when it comes through your lens it can be distorted even more so we have to figure out that lens for you now our lenses can be Good or bad, we might have some ways and beliefs that affect the way we see the world, which are very adaptive and very useful, but the beliefs under this habitual pattern of taking things too personally us They create a lot of pain, so take the time to resolve it. find out what is happening to you, if you do this, if you take things too personally, it will really change your whole life and I'm not saying that you can solve all this with this video, but I think this will guide you in the right direction.

The first step is to do an examination of conscience. Recall a handful of situations recently where you know you've overreacted or simply been consumed with reflection on a social situation. It could be one of those situations where you know you overreacted or they're just reflecting, reflecting, but remember a couple of those situations and dig deeper, dig into them to find out why it bothered you so much in terms of what it meant to you. and, if you continue to do this, you will eventually get to your negative core belief now this concept of negative core beliefs is worked with cognitive behavioral therapy is a key component of emdr which is a very effective therapy technique is used in meditation circles is It is used in many ways and what I have found in My Life is that everyone I have ever met has one, two, maybe three negative core beliefs that are really behind all of this, so if you take a handful of these situations in which that you took things too personally and really dig deep, you will see if there is a common negative belief about yourself that is hiding underneath and if you find this challenging you can use my video on emdr core beliefs because I really walk you through of the step-by-step process, but I want you to know what that negative core belief is.

Negative core beliefs were probably formed very early in your life because of certain situations you found yourself in and because you saw them from the point of view of a child. What happens to us in childhood is really ingrained in that emotional brain, the patterns through which we see things. world, so for a lot of people who take things too personally, I will say that there is a negative belief underneath all this that I'm not good enough or that I'm somehow flawed or weak or insecure, right, everything That could be very easy to be behind the reason why people take things too personally.

It's triggering something in you that you feel about yourself and then it could also be related to some kind of sense of danger in the world or a lack of personal security like if I'm not good enough then I'm not really sure if I'm not part of this. group if I'm not part of this community then somehow I'm at risk so that can be down there too and I mean as human beings we have this negativity bias and social situations and interactions are really critical for us I think This is a very old instinctive behavior because we need other people to survive, but it used to be at a very critical urgent level, it's not.

That's not the case anymore, but many of us react to things as if they do. I talk about this a little bit more in a free webinar that I have and I'll show the image here, but also the link is below this video in the notes, so feel free to subscribe to that video because this is something that we all do, we all we have a negativity bias, we often interpret things in a negative way and then social situations can really exacerbate this, so this is kind of part of the human brain. but learning to not let that take over you is very important, so the first step is the soul searching to really identify for yourself what this negative, harmful core belief is that is underlying all of these situations.

Oh, and I have another resource to help you with this. a free pdf called transform your negative core belief, but it also helps you identify it a little bit and gives you some examples, so that's really the first step. The second step is to fully accept that the problem you are having is due to this negative core belief. which is false, it really is false, but the problem is the lens you're seeing things through, it's not actually the situation, it's actually the color of your lens and it's not you either, you're not the problem, is this belief.

That's the problem, so really accept it and if that's hard to believe right now, my suggestion is to just act like we intend you to believe it and move forward with these

steps

and some other suggestions that I'll share in a future video, try it. It's true because I know the objections people have when I work directly with them, I hear these objections all the time like no, but that negative core belief really is true, anyway, just for the moment act like you believe the situation What bothers you is because of your lens, be patient on that step number three, is to realize that the person you are interacting with is also seeing the world through their lens, their negative core beliefs are clouding the lens through which you are seeing. the situation, so if someone is nasty to you or criticizes you, it's really about them and not you, and I'll give you an example.

When I was young in my career, I was interested in developing my ability to give speeches and talks and get more comfortable, you know, being the center of intent with a crowd, this was back in the days when we were together with other people, I hope that I'll be back someday soon, so I went to a conference and the guy said something that really struck me and what he said was that when you give a speech, everyone in the audience thinks about their to-do list, they worry about what happened. , they worry about an event in their life, they reflect on something they talked about, as if they are not thinking about you at all.

They really aren't, they're not sitting there criticizing you, they're not judging your clothes, they're thinking about what they're going to cook for dinner and what they'll have to do when the conference is over and your job is to get them out. Outside of that, your job is to connect with them and get them out of it and that was very meaningful to me and obviously I've made a living giving talks and speeches, I feel very comfortable doing it and yet, I've shared that with a couple of clients who are interested in developing better speaking skills and say well, that's not true.

When I sit in the audience, I criticize what the person is wearing. I look at them up and down and think, how could I do that? they're on stage and that, blah, blah, blah, and I was like, wow, that's because it's important to you, like I don't care much about the clothes, which you could tell because I don't wear very interesting clothes that aren't fundamental to my sense of identity, but if someone is very conscious of what they wear and how they dress, then yes, in situations, they will criticize others in terms of how they dress someone like me, I walk into a room and barely notice account.

It's not something I'm going to criticize you for, so who is it? Is it the person who is not dressed correctly according to this person who cares so much? No, it's about the fact that that's what's so important to her, so I think it's just a really easy example for you to really understand because if I'm sitting in one of your lectures and my mind wanders, it's about me. to-do list, not what someone is wearing and that's about me, that's where my mind tends to accept so fully that if there's someone who gets turned on by you, you might threaten them and they might attack you in social situations and you might be thinking In one situation, let's say you're in a relatively new relationship and your boyfriend.

Your girlfriend is taking you to an event with some of her friends, so you're very, you know, you're a little nervous, you're worried, of course, you want to make a good impression, she's worried about whether you'll like them or not. No, and let's say there's a person in that group who makes snide comments to you, well, that's not a good person and that person is probably very insecure, but you could be anyone, you could be anyone that your partner brings to the event, don't. is. somehow about you, okay, knowing this well and I think a lot of people know this still doesn't necessarily help you transform and not do it, but often the intellectual understanding precedes the emotional change that you need to fully achieve it. here with your frontal lobe because that part of your brain is a little more adaptable and then over time you get your emotions to follow with enough kindness and reinforcement, but if it is possible now to go back and look at the few situations that you mentioned when I did Well the first question.

I raised a couple of questions that we'll delve into. Can you go back to those situations and see how both you and they were working from negative core beliefs and imagine what would have happened if you were working? from a positive core belief so you can take your negative core belief and turn it into a positive one so I'm not good enough it's good enough I'm in danger I'm safe enough now I'm insecure it's I'm safe enough and we always like those statements positives are reasonable, not absolute. I understand that many people love affirmations and that works in some situations.

In this situation, I suggest you use a reasonable one, it might even be possible to make mistakes. and still be a good person, because maybe it was a situation where you made a mistake, but you are still a good person, you are still okay, we all make mistakes, we are human, so identify the positive core belief and then look at the situation through that belief, see how that might change it for you, so the fourth step is to practice seeing these situations through the lens of that positive core belief and pretend for a while if you need to do so, how would you feel if I felt?

It's okay with myself, how would this feel if I was sure I was good enough? Good as I am, so how would I feel good? So just practice with that and I know it may seem like a long shot to some people but practicing is what eventually changes this old brain of ours it takes time and practice and then the deeper work is actually healing this negative core belief and that work healing takes time acting as if practicing some of these techniques would absolutely help for some people, they could be transformative and For other people, they probably need help and deep healing work to figure out why that negative core belief developed and why it has taken such a hold on you so therapy can help with this emdr cognitive behavioral therapy healing work and obviously there are also many other healing modalities so know that you can heal this sense of yourself and I think it's worth putting that healing at the top of your to-do list because you're worth it, so I'll follow this too. video with more tactical ways to stop taking things personally becauseThis is a very important theme.

The next one will be my third video on this, but it will provide something more tactical, like step by step, this is what you should do in the situation that you are in. You're taking something personally or reflecting later, but what we go over today in this video is really the core and without addressing this any tactical

steps

are unlikely to help so look for the video hopefully it'll be out in about a week from today. If you are not subscribed to my channel, please do so so you can hit the notification bell. Receive notifications when new videos are posted.

Like if you liked him and comment below. I'm interested to know what you thought of this approach. understand why you take things personally and how to start to stop doing it and I created this video series because people requested that I address this topic so if you have an idea for me please post it below and I'll thank you and I'll see you next week.