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Riskiest Jokes - VOL. 1 | Jimmy Carr

Riskiest Jokes - VOL. 1 | Jimmy Carr
wetting your bed is embarrassing as a child but as an adult wetting a child's bed is mortal it's almost impossible to explain that away I bought a rape alarm because it kept on forgetting when to rape people bloody marvelous when I was a kid I was scared of the dentist he was a pedophile I suppose that begs the question how many fillings did he give me Islamic fundamentalist sex dolls they blow themselves up in Palestinian passports under occupation - they just put Israel he's only there to test where the Guardian readers are sitting no further questions back to the knob gags I'm an incredible girl on the Internet smart sexy uninhibited of course it turned out to be a twelve-year-old paraplegic pool I'll be honest the sex was disappointing oh I think we've reached a barrier their way and we will laugh of that and nothing more I don't know make a big deal of this but I recently adopted a newborn African child he was just seven pounds plus posted your packing that's how they get ya Tony they put holes in that box and that is the joke interestingly that Richard Curtis said was a bit much for the comic relief gig when I was younger I couldn't talk to women because I was hiding in their wardrobes masturbator they're totally giving it away you didn't see that coming did you oh I've written a rom-com I wanted to tell you about this I've written a romantic comedy it's about a guy in a girl classic yeah initially they hate each other classic but end up in bed together classic it's called the rapist did you see the story about Gary Glitter there was a GCSE music question about Gary Glitter how Bad's that how bad that a GCSE music question about a Gary Glitter song because if there's one artist you don't want associated with the praise turnover you've got an hour I should probably leave litter alone he just wants to settle down and have kids I said to my girlfriend I said I said you want to experiment with a roleplay rape fantasy she said no I said that's the spirit rape is such a horrible word though it's such a harsh brutal awful word rape that's why I prefer to call it a struggle snuggle you couldn't stay mad at a struggle snuggle is good you bloody adorable lot of people like to smoke cigarettes after sex but you can't buy cigarettes until you're 16 so I have to get them for both of us you think it's wrong I'm buying a 15 year old girl cigarettes you think it's wrong I'm her I'm kidding kidding delicate verb that child abuse doesn't it odd Katie hey are you joking or touching kids obviously it's a family show I've noticed a thing I go out to see a lot of comedy shows and I've noticed a thing comics tend to do their best stuff right at the end of the gig and then they leave the audience wanting more sounds good doesn't it but it doesn't make any sense because you the audience are left wanting more than the comedian that's off that doesn't make any sense so what I'd like to do because I've given it some thought I'd like to torpedo this gig with some very unpleasant

jokes

that will offend and upset you all and then you can all leave thinking thank that's over you're welcome let's begin if women are so good at multitasking is it too much to ask tickle my balls while you work the shaft half a joke half public service announcement I often get asked are you ever gonna get married I don't think I opal will get married I mean you can't get married at 16 without parental consent and that's not going to happen they still think she's dead that's an unfortunate reaction because that's only there to warm you up for this one did you all read that story about the girl that was kidnapped and kept in squalid conditions for 18 years did you read that story was I the only one that read that story and thought 18 years in squalid conditions have a tidy round make a house a home you lazy bint say what you like about the make-a-wish Foundation they can work to a deadline Sonne words nothing Bad's happened it's not like a dropkick to kitten into an orphans face once I did that once and it was funny but you sort of had to be there I think I've sorted out the credit crunch I thought you'd be pleased no I thought genuinely I think I've sorted out the credit crunch you know what the problem is with it with the credit crunch as I as I layman's terms okay the trade to turn over the cycle of business isn't happening in the way it was because businesses and banks and countries have gone bust and no one trusts each other so how are we gonna repair this how are we gonna get things started again get that virtuous circle up and running tell you what we do we build a World Trade Center I can see you sat there with your arms crossed thinking that's gonna be a big building we're gonna have two of them I saw the chief of the New York City police on the news he said we will never forget 9/11 I thought was your home not your phone number I do love doing these gigs I mean I'm so glad I've recorded the DVD in Glasgow but they fee these gigs just the fact that everyone sort of shares a sense of humor that's such a special thing everyone appreciates as well everyone gets it everyone in this room gets the fact it's just

jokes

we're just messing around trying to laugh together it's just messing you know these jokes aren't Who I am I'm actually I mean in the real world I'm quite generous or person I realize that makes me sound like a dick but you know I'm quite a giving sort of person I mean last year I donated a kidney of course they wanted to know where I got it from I know it's still warm keep it I often get out someone else Tony a favorite joke or Rudi's joke and I got asked in Liverpool last year someone said favourite pub joke someone shouted out at the end of the show so I thought I'd end by telling you my favourite pub joke it's quite a rude joke I think you all know was going to be fairly bruised but I'll tell you and then I'll tell you why I'm telling it and I got asked favorite favorite pub joke in Liverpool and so I said of Tom my favourite project what's the difference between football and rape girls don't like football there's a textbook response Glasco it's a laugh followed by the interesting thing for me is that that's not two distinct groups of people there's not one group laughing in another group going wrong those are the same people that joke makes you a little bit schizophrenic because you don't choose what you laughing I'm sure many of you have been disgusted at what you've been laughing at this evening but you don't choose what you laugh at it's like a reflex you just laugh and then another bit of you kicks in and goes what the you doing laughter that woo so I told a Liverpool it got a laugh and then at all and then there was a pause and a woman at the back when I like football imagine that being your problem with that joke she clearly had time to think well we all liked it rough once in a while he's got us there but I also enjoy soccer now I'm taking established well as I say it's been a pleasure performing I mean the reason we did the DVD here is kisses sort of one of the best gigs of the year I just I love it and thank you so much just one quick thing before I go if anyone wants an autograph or to say hello after the show or to get fingered or to have a fight whatever you would like I'll be down there in that corner I'm more than happy to wait as long as it takes thank you so much for coming out to see me and I'll see you all again next year thank you very much people destroyed that was originally about suicide bombers I've toned it down for you
riskiest jokes   vol 1 jimmy carr

Source : Jimmy Carr