Greg Giraldo Strictly Revolutionary Comedy Tribute Mix by Jason Robo from Comedy for a Change KMUD

Is that person sleeping seriously there's a guy sleeping is that a guy I can't even tell I was a guy sleeping downtown that's cool what's up man are you okay are you okay how did they drag you out of the street? Why do you look angry? Are you OK? Are you OK? Why are you so tired? It doesn't seem like a strange choice to fall asleep in the third row of my big TV recording. I mean, I'm not saying you and I'm clearly sharing a comedic sensibility, but what brought you here in the first place is that I'm all for sleep.

I'm sure I would sleep watching you grow marijuana or whatever it is you do for a living, but I. I'm just trying to wonder why you would opt for that. You know what I meant at the beginning with lighting. I couldn't tell if it was like you were sleeping or if you were just like you were. I swear to God for a At one point I thought you had a neck disorder and you were, so I didn't want to highlight it, but like I wasn't distracted enough by seeing a sleeping rosta man in the audience like Santo, I mean, I have a pretty good idea.

Why might you feel a little groggy? But it's a bit like. You know, it takes the wind out of my sails a little bit. It's not like it's in the can in Topeka. I'm sitting here in a theater. Ideally, in New York, there wouldn't be a guy passed out in the front row, but why do they pay us to walk around like monkeys and hope that no one passes out? Enjoy it out there, it's your big night. Why are you sleeping? We don't get up early. Oh my god, I'm too early for this man. You know the sense of humor is a little different, brother.

Are you Jamaican or just American? Trying to be Jamaican. Jamaican doesn't matter. Nothing of this. This is not normal? What's going on here? I'm wasting union time here. You know I was in Jamaica once and I was on a tour on a glass bottom boat and and uh and guys, this guy is taking us there. He says, you're going to see all kinds of cars, but remember, don't break or break the coral. There is a tree color like the tree. Britain, car like brain, but don't break or break the coral. Remember that there will be no breakup or taking. you could swim around you could look you could take pictures without breaking or taking them carl I said excuse me can we break or take something from the car and he's not going?

Mitch I just told you that, so it could be a communication problem, I like it. Love, I'll tell you this about New York. I like all the different cultures of the United States. You know, I think that's what makes America great. You know, it's not like that, but that's something people say, but accents are just funny. that's why I like them you know I was in a hotel I called and asked for the internet access code I said excuse me what is the internet access code and the guy goes there the code you want me to write the code do you want the code yes what is it ? the internet access code is fine, write it down it's a like an apple b as in boy and as in jello good to be here denver uh that's where we are, I live in new york city uh yeah, a lot of people say that the city of New York Many people say it is the largest city in the world.

I don't know how you can say any city is the biggest city unless you've been to every city, what do you know? Maybe there's a city somewhere in Indonesia where there are like 28. people, 26 of them are pretty girls who will blow you for a nickel, you know what I mean, that's weird, that would be a good city, you know? and the other two are guys who nickel and dime you, which could be nice. the kind of city you'd want to visit if you had the chance man, I'm getting old, I don't know how it happened, it happened so fast, I feel like I'm the young guy and you know I don't I don't even notice that you don't look or act the same than when you were younger.

You still think you're the same guy. I thought he was still a young guy. Know? So I walked through an Abercrombie and Fitch store and they looked at me. Like I'm walking through a playground with my hand in my hand, man, don't go into an Abercrombie field if you're over 35 because I'm telling you, they'll remind you real quick how you're a very twisted pervert for even thinking you can wandering around the high school cafeteria. Anything over a 34 inch waist, they stack really high in the corner, they literally have like a pair of hands over 34 inches and hang it really high. like they're stacked, you got it, you can't get it yourself, you got it, you have to ask one of the shirtless guys who works there if he'll climb for you, just fill in the old one, yeah, I'm too fat and old to understand that .

Can you bring your little one up? You know this might be too personal to admit so early, but the other day I was sitting on the toilet and my balls went under the water and that has never happened to me before. At first I didn't even know what it was just something that felt kind of nice, it was like some kind of refreshing feeling. Actually, you know, I thought this through, yeah, yeah, and then I realized I was packing tea in my own toilet water, you know? How do you realize how disturbing and depressing it is that I have a bag of balls dropped from an old man that swings so low because I have sat in that bowl thousands of times, it was in my house, it has never happened before, so i guess my balls?

It must have been just skimming the surface, you know, and they finally say we're getting in and just in the water, like okay, that's exactly the moment I hit middle age. I could trace it back to that exact point. I'm a middle-aged man because my balls actually stopped trying to fight gravity, I just dipped them in the old toilet water and at first I thought maybe it was a joke, you know? Maybe someone added water as a gag. I know maybe they're fooling me. I'm looking for Ashton Kutcher to come running around the corner with an empty bucket, but there's no joke, it was just that my old bag of fallen nuts couldn't hold the weight long enough for that's just depressing, man .

I don't know how you look at it, we have always had it easy, in our country we have been pampered for a long time. The other day I was in a restaurant and the waitress said to me: Hello, friends, do you leave room for dessert? leave room for dessert what a gluttonous concept that is, hey gang is there any possible way we can play more in your faces? Is there any possibility? Is there any room there for more? Did you leave any space? Is there any way we can play? more in your swollen casing because we've got guys with plungers that will come up and get stuck in your esophagus until it's completely full, I mean, if there's room, I mean, if there's room, how about a little death by chocolate?

Would you mind something to die for, my chocolate is? our specialty our specialty is death by chocolate death by chocolate you know how spoiled you have to be as a culture to invent a dessert called death by chocolate to trivialize death so you think they joke about dying by their desserts in Somalia or somewhere else or death over a 50 pound bag of rice from the aid agency you think there's a lot of that going on hey, would you like to die over chocolate? How about death by chocolate? We bring enough chocolate to kill you, isn't that funny?

You'll keep putting chalk in your face until you die, that's what we do, you'll be rolling around on the floor and having a chocolate-induced diabetic attack, but that won't be enough for us. We'll keep putting chocolate in there until you die. You're actually dead, won't that be great? Won't it be a great way to celebrate your happy, happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday, happy, happy birthday? Some people give up chocolate for Lent ooh, like being nailed to a cross, I'm sure Jesus really appreciates the gesture Hey God, come in here, we have to open the doors of heaven.

This fat woman will go 40 days without a kitkat bar. Well, maybe we want to open those doors and then look at the snacks we eat. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. Ice. cream, we can't even wait for it to turn into a cookie, edible underwear, edible underwear, what other country, edible underwear, even when we are, we can't stop eating, I mean what has to be happening to around you so you don't think about snacks. food holy my house is on fire marshmallows that sounds delicious and it won't stop soon it won't stop because everything is automated remote control we don't move we don't know everything in a few thousand years we won't even go to need limbs we won't even need limbs just we're going to evolve into a big fat ass with fingers that's what we're going to see is a big fat ass with fingers maybe an eyeball to look around you know the only skinny people will be the illegal aliens that we will have to hire to turn around, wipe our asses, crack down from time to time and people are still complaining that they are taking our jobs. taking away all the good ass wiping jobs, I wanted to be a windshield wiper, these come here, illegal immigration is big news these days and look, obviously there are some reasons to worry, but when people say they take jobs, do they? when was the last time? you lost a job to an illegal alien, you want to get that great leaf blower job for 30 cents an hour, that's a job you're having trouble living out that illegal alien fantasy you always had and one day, if you played your cards right, you could be sitting in the back of a landscaping truck with 25 other three-and-a-half-foot-tall guys, you know, wearing your dirty Pac-Man baseball cap, if only these bastards didn't keep hoarding all the career paths they are not taking.

The easy jobs you wish you could get or the big money jobs aren't turning into illegal alien investment bankers you know or like illegal aliens. TV meteorologist today in Southern California it will be hot, muggy, low visibility, good day to cross a river, oh lord. I'm getting old like everyone else, I guess, but I feel it lately. This is a business. This business kills you as you get older. It is not. You don't see many older people on television. You know they don't see. You don't use them anymore unless they're in some bladder control commercials. You know, that's like our vision of the future.

Either you're dying on some life alert or you're just worried about your bladder. If I could stop peeing so much, I would just pee. shuffling somewhere what a miserable future you just don't see old people on TV that's one of the reasons I think John McCain seemed so creepy during the campaign. He's not that old, but we're just not used to seeing people like that on TV. It looked weird that you had Obama's cool hip and then there are angry little bridge trolls who is dragging his club foot around he's a candidate for

change

I'm going to

change

I'm a nonconformist a nonconformist I'm going to change everything What are you going to change, John?

You're 105 years old, what would dinner at four o'clock change for the entire country? Maybe you know a short murder episode that she wrote and went to bed, couldn't believe she was losing, couldn't believe she was. You see how detached he almost got during the last debate. Holy, she was so close to leaving. He is black. What the hell am I really missing? I am a war hero. I'm losing to a 40-year-old Nigerian or something. His name rhymes with Osama How I'm losing I'm so furious I want to put my hands in the air But I can't This is as high as they go Because I'm a war hero It's incredible the role that race plays The race played was something so big that in that holy choice, I don't know, race is so important to everyone, it seems like not, I mean, no, I don't care about people's races, no, no, no.

I don't care at all, I don't even want to say, I just base it on weight, you know, but you know, I'm pretty firm with my rules in that area, but because you know, people are very sensitive even when people don't want to. say. to be racist apparently they are people who get into trouble all the time, although there are people who say they are not racist who actually are, they tell me at least once a week that they are not racist. I listen to people all the time, man. I'm not racist I'm not racist as soon as someone tells you they're not racist that always means they're about to say the most racist thing you've ever heard in your life.

I'm not racist, but these Mexicans, holy shit, they're coming. swimming around here all covered in herpes and that's just what I read I'm not a racist I'm just saying it's something I'm not okay with I'm not a racist I have a friend like a god Filipino Mexican whatever but then there are people who really aren't , i guess hillary clinton got in trouble during the campaign because she said white people wouldn't support barack obama during the general election white people wouldn't support barack obama and that sounded like something democrats shouldn't say so she started using code words forwhites, which was 50 times worse because instead of saying whites, he started saying hardworking Americans, hardworking Americans, they're not going to support Barack Obama, you know what I mean, hardworking Americans?

You know, the ones that don't run fast and don't have a giant. Am I putting too much emphasis on this? I'm getting so depressing and the president is a couple years older than me. How much of a loser does that make? I feel like lord when he sees people his age or with real accomplishments, he's out there trying to decide what to do about North Korea. I'm trying to decide whether he should start dyeing my beard or not, like he doesn't know what he should do. I know what must be terrible about this election. Barack Obama's brother, he has half. brother who is like a homeless man in Kenya this guy is all the politicians who have that brother, you know, barack has his brother bill clinton had roger clinton jimmy carter of course that billy carter and jeb bush as george bush and that's cute, he's adorable Little one, I'm not, I hope not, we won't talk much about George Bush after this special, but there are a couple more things I'm going to say.

I'm happy to get rid of it first of all. I don't even get it, even if you agreed with his politics, I don't see how anyone could have liked that guy and then him and his fake character. I'm a cowboy, look at me, I'm a cowboy, Mr. accomplished man, hey. he's five pounds he grew up in Connecticut he went to Andover High School he was a cheerleader at Yale he was a cheerleader hey man I'm a cowboy mission accomplished he was less of a cowboy than that guy in town people for Christ's day because he gets close to angela merkel she she's a world leader the leader of germany walks up behind her i've never met her before he gives her a little shoulder up a little shoulder up how sexist and insulting is that what kind of idiotic frat boy move gives her a little shoulder up do you know the german woman first you have to attack him you have to confront him a little i only know what i have seen on the internet but you have to appreciate people's cultures my favorite moment was that shoe throwing incident he gets a shoe thrown at him that was the most incredible moment because normally in America we are very patriotic people and even if you hated the president, if someone attacked them, if someone threw a shoe at him, people would have been scared, but this was unreal.

I mean, think of that greasy foreigner you know as a polyester borat suit. You know it's a big thick cliché, a cartoon character, an angry Arab with a mustache, takes off his camel pie shoe and shouts a cliché insult. You know, American pig, you know, and pull. his half sandal on our president of the United States and even America's greatest redneck was like a man who was a funnier man, damn that was a funny man and when did we become a nation of narcissistic idiots so conceited that you know when? it's your birthday now you just think you can go to any restaurant and have the waiters sing happy birthday to you when that trend started that's the most annoying thing i used to be to kids at chuck e cheese now i can go to any restaurant it's my dance birthday or something give us a little song could you give us a little song? bring me a piece of cake it's my birthday you go to restaurants now they have a song every five minutes I was in a restaurant the other day the waiters had to come out four different times to different tables and sing happy birthday and saint, the owner comes out and even the dishwasher He's there singing happy birthday, it's my birthday too, but no one sings happy birthday to me because I'm washing my back. dishes for 50 cents an hour, but somehow I'm the bad guy for taking away American jobs, what job am I taking away?

Who wants to wash a dish for 50 cents an hour? Okay, yes, you could say that all of us, coming together like this, reduce the labor rates in the country, we could debate it about those marriages but no, you are going to take my job, you are going to take my job, you are going to think about my son, what kind of ignorant abortion is, you have to ask yourself if you are willing to pay. the increased cost of paying a prevailing wage for a lazy person to stand there washing dishes if that's a problem, why don't they penalize the employers who hire us?

Oh, because that will be politically unpopular. How old are you now? To hear much about energy policy, we need to reduce our dependence on foreign oil. Reduce our dependence on foreign oil. How do you think we're going to do that? Driving small cars. You think we're going to drive small cars in America, of course. No we can't, we can't do it, we will never drive small cars, we can't do it because we have big fat kids, big fat weebles that walk like ducks. Have you been to Disney World in the last 10 years and seen these? Wheezing bags and walls, all red-faced and sweaty.

You're not supposed to be out of breath when you're nine years old and you're on flat ground. I don't care how excited you are to get to the snow cone. You shouldn't be like these fat little bucks they act like they're working in the desert you know, oh, it's a mirage, it's just that I really want cotton candy, it's a cotton candy seller, a supplier, what kind of kid. says Bender is that a purveyor of fine sugary treats one hopes that he is a criminal and not a figment of my eight year old imagination these fat children God bless them they don't even walk anymore these children you see these little fat children In the parks neither They don't even walk, they just slide by on those high-heeled wheels.

Fat kids on wheels are a good idea. Do you think children don't burn calories in a modern world? Now we put wheels on them. Because? We simply screw the wheels directly into their spines, this way they don't have to sit, they can lie on their back and we can roll them from snack to snack, all they do is eat, snack and get fatter by the second. I mean, you can't fight it, you can't fight it, people blame the parents, right, it's the parents. I used to blame parents for that kind of stuff until I became a parent and now I blame someone else because you can't, you can.

They don't fight the American junk food industry, they have cartoons and movies and all kinds of things sponsored by their double sugar crack pops or whatever they sell to these kids. You think once a kid tries one of these things you're going to make them eat celery sticks after that, are you kidding? They just watched a movie where this candy makes

robo

ts fly, do you think you're going to get them on celery sticks, come on, eat the celery, it's good, it has fiber, yeah? I know they blow people away, but they will prevent you from getting polyps when you are 60 and have them erected.

Come on, can't you be a little bolder by thinking that your eight-year-old will grow up a little? Eat these carrots. There is beta carrot. good for your eyes, you don't want to become myopic later, trust me, it's really a problem, you should, you have a better chance of getting a crackhead to switch to eggnog, at that point this whole generation of kids will be over, no I know. I know what we've done to them, every one of them has breathing disorders and allergies to everything and they all take pills and when I was a kid, if you had asthma, people would beat you because it was unusual, no one had it.

People pick on you now, all the kids have some kind of device and you know, helmets and pills and all kinds of things, they pick on the kid who doesn't look at the nasal respirator, hey, why don't you go up some stairs with peanut allergies when Did peanuts become the most toxic substance known to man? Have you tried approaching a school with peanut butter? Holy shit, they look at you like you just slathered it on and skipped which one you're hot on. I want some peanut butter. I have gelatin. You have gelatin, you just have to dig a little to find it.

Come on, where are you going? What are you allergic to or ethanol? That will reduce our dependence on foreign oil. Ethanol. Ethanol is a burden that is being shoved down our throats thanks to these corn crops. lobbyists it doesn't work it takes two gallons of regular oil to produce each gallon of ethanol meanwhile in brazil 80 percent of their energy comes from sugar cane 80 percent of the energy they use in brazil comes from sugar cane how do we stay behind? Brazilians in this the Brazilians their last technological innovation was waxing for the love of God and no now that's not cool I mean don't get me wrong I'm all for it I'm just saying that technologically speaking isn't that advanced I mean , I guess technically it will make it more aerodynamic, but that won't reduce fuel consumption unless you drive out the window.

You know I'm getting better mileage lately. Some people say we should drive smaller cars. and save oil and save fuel that way in fuel we are never going to drive smaller cars we can't drive smaller cars because we have big fat kids big fat bloated swaying oompa loompas and you tried, you try to fit a backpack of these American monsters with their cheetos and their funyuns and their game boys and their fifty thousand dollar seats and helmets that they had to be strapped into before they could go out into the yard, you tried to stuff them in the backseat of a honda civic, forget it, that's not going to happen. happen man you need an SUV with the horsepower to haul these fat hills, that is unfortunately the situation in our country, a sad situation is that we are getting fatter and fatter.

Secondly, and instead of talking about it, we just have stories about it every day, the obesity epidemic, we're all fat and what are people suing McDonald's for getting fat. It's McDonald's fault. People sue McDonald's for gaining weight. Can you imagine the balls it would take to carry your bloated, sweaty corpse to some ambulance chaser's office look at me look at what they did to me look at this look at what they did well you have an incredible case there uh weeble maybe you don't want to sit on my good chair until whoever doesn't understand that McDonald's is bad for you nowadays, whoever doesn't understand that if you eat too much McDonald's you're going to gain weight, I mean, whoever doesn't understand that you have to treat it McDonald's is like your wife's vagina, right, yes, you show some respect and only eat it when you're on vacation because you know that on special occasions, you know you can't make it an everyday thing or your blood pressure will go crazy.

You have to do it. legal system our legal system is really kind of crazy. I've noticed a trend in the last year of older women being jailed for having sex with teenagers, which I really don't know about. That is public enemy number one that we must crack down on. really get these women osama bin laden is still out there michael jackson is free to tickle his way through bahrain or wherever he is and yes we are going to jail these dream makers for having sex with teenagers holy , you know, when it comes to like a 15 or 16 year old, any sex that doesn't end with you limping out of a rectory is totally acceptable, you know what I mean, there's one, there's one, there's one, there's one, there is one, there is one, there is one, there is one, there is one, there is one, there is one, there is one, there is one, there is one, there is one, there is one, there is one, there is one, there is one, there is one, There is one, there is one, there is one, there is one, there is one, there is one, there is one, there is one, there is one, there is a woman here who got 30 years for having sexual relations with her son's friends 30 years she said she just wanted to be the cool mom.

Hey, remember when cool mom was the one who brought oranges to soccer practice? You remember those days, but you know that's the new thing. You want to be great. You have to take it back. notch you know it's very competitive out there dude your mom is so cool my mom would never let our friends gang up in the basement you have the coolest mom you've ever had your mom is cool since there was a guy in new york who's suing to his landlord because he was scalded. The water from the shower burned his genitals. It's a great way to test the water.

If I ever burn my dick in the shower, I'll keep it to myself. You know what I mean? I won't call my lawyer or anyone else. I'm going to rub some dirt on it and walk away because I'll be ashamed and ashamed of myself. Remember when people used to be ashamed and ashamed of things, no one is ashamed of New York City? This is a great man. That is, I love living here and showing here the characters that we see in this city every day. The other day I was on the subway and there were these homeless guys singing a cappella, happy because they're homeless people singing a capella waving a cup.

I thought, how did these guys meet? No, it's hard enough to start a band when you have a house and a phone and all that kind of stuff. How do you meet other acapella enthusiasts when you're on the homeless trail? Do you think that one day you will be sitting in the shelter? Me tooI need a crack. I. 3 people. People talk to each other in this city in a way that is simply not normal. The other day I was stopped at a traffic light. These two guys are. unloading a truck one guy looks at the other says hakuna matata from the lion king hakuna matata what could have preceded that part of the conversation what kind of debate about what your favorite Disney cartoon song is ends with hakuna matata and in the same sentence that You must have built it all day, you know, no, that song sucks, man, I like the other one for the other one, under the sea, under the sea, ah, man, hakuna matata, don't be a good, hakuna matata, I was on the subway the other day. boy shouts across the tracks shouts across the tracks he says yo monica yo monica i have AIDS yo and i thought wow that's how they tell you michael moore is right we have the worst healthcare system in canada they call you probably true maybe an email or something, don't they just hire a Puerto Rican kid to shout across the airwaves what kind of shitty way is that to get health news,

greg

, your son has high cholesterol, thanks, hector , thanks for taking some time, your busy schedule of barbecuing on the shoulder of the Cross Bronx Expressway updates me on my health, yes, the Puerto Rican Day Parade here in New York every summer, that's very exciting, right , everyone is very proud of their ethnicity in this city throughout the country people are very proud of who they are, what are you?, what are you?, but here in New York, you have to have, you have to have parades every two hours in the summer, you know, everyone is proud, they have to march to show how proud they are, you know, it's like five hours of traffic jam every weekend. because it's the Albanian patron saint scene of cabbages, hello holy holiday or something like that, you have to sit there waiting forever, you're missing your appointments because five fat guys in sports suits have to walk a papier-mâché cabbage god down Fifth Avenue, on Puerto Rican Day.

The parade is great though, it's a great parade, the Puerto Rican day parade, but you never hear the good things, all you hear are the negative things, but what about the positive messages of empowerment, particularly for women , who come from that parade like you were never too fat? wearing a sleeveless blouse, I think it's a message that needs to be heard. You always hear about girls feeling bad about their bodies because they have to compare themselves to these anorexic actresses and everything, but it seems like there are girls with that. parade you don't know they seem immune to it I don't know they're like my skin looks good my outfit looks good you know even if they weigh 300 pounds they don't have to rule out the micro jean miniskirt, they get on the back of the ninja motorcycle of her boyfriend with his penis raised in the air sticking out, it's not even a thong, it's like three thongs, all knotted, yeah, it's an amazing, amazing city, people, people, it's just like that, people are so crazy and resistant that the plane crashes here in the Hudson River.

The plane crashes into the Hudson and the rest of the country. This is like a heroic act. You know, here in New York. What is traffic? One guy couldn't even crash in Connecticut. or some have a even after 9/11 we did shows almost immediately we started doing shows very quickly in the clubs in the city in some parts of the city there wasn't even electricity in some parts of the city on the subway. We didn't even go there, we started doing shows in these clubs because people seem to want to go out, they seem to want to laugh and I couldn't believe it.

You know, it was right after 9/11 and there were already people at the bachelorette parties in the audience. parties and I thought holy, you know, I never thought I'd be proud to see a bunch of drunk Jersey girls with condoms on their heads. I thought they would never change the American way of life. They just knocked down the World Trade Center, but... They couldn't stop this bunch of squawkers from going shopping for penis-related paraphernalia and buying their straws and condom hats and they're a tough man, it's good to find t-shirts and you know, pile on that. limo let's go gina it's your day it's your special day let's go to the city let's go to the city it's your special day I don't care what those Mexicans did let's go to the city and then there are the stories of terrorism stories of terrorism in the news, You know, I live in New York City, so you're always worried about these terrorism stories on the news, you know, my son is watching them and he's like, but dad, how come the bad men hate us so much?

Men hate us, isn't it heartbreaking, man, I almost started crying, you know because he's 18. Now, what kind of am I raising? I don't know why they hate us. Why don't you read the newspaper and form your own opinions? Why do they hate us? us, no one knows why they hate us because Americans don't read newspapers, we don't know, we don't know what happens in other countries, do you ever talk to a European, sometimes you have no choice, do you ever talk to one of these people. I know you're trying to learn to ski or whatever, these Europeans know everything, they know more about America than we do about ourselves.

I don't know what it is about starting to smoke when you're nine that makes you a geopolitical genius but these guys know everything, they always say that he's like you know that actually the United States could have lost its independence during the War of 1812. and you say which is okay, I don't know, you're trying to think of one thing. You know about Europe, you say, "oh, French girls have hairy armpits, right?" I was talking to an Arab guy, he said, why do Americans always support Israelis? He said it's probably because in the United States United the Jews have all the money and control the media. which is ridiculous and racist and really only part of it, Americans don't really know what's going on between Israelis and Palestinians so basically Americans support Israelis for a reason because Israelis never do this seriously , I think that's 95 of that.

I'm not even kidding because I think the average American doesn't know what's going on there, but I don't like it. I know I'm going to go with the team that isn't doing what I don't like. This guy told me it sucks for him, he's always stereotyped as a terrorist. You know, when he travels, people assume he's a terrorist and that sucks, but this is America. Every ethnic group has a stereotype that they have had to overcome at some point in their lives. story I mean I'm half Colombian and half Spanish I don't get angry every time people assume I'm a bullfighter I don't do it I just face it it's my little cross to carry that they can't see me with a sword or a cape, you know, don't you think that I would love to wear my tight pink capri pants with their sparkles, you know, without listening, look at that bullfighter, I told you they were all bullfighters and in New York you know that they, the signs everywhere in the subway said: watch out for anything out of the ordinary, watch out for suspicious activity if you see something, say something, that's their way of defending us if you see something, say something first of all in New York City.

Have you been to New York City? Doesn't that seem like suspicious activity? You would have to spend all day approaching people and apologizing. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry for you. You looked vaguely away and moved a little fast. I can't be too careful these days. You know, you looked like you might have had a bomb, good luck with that baby, I hope it works out for you, you can't be too careful if you see something, say something, I once saw a guy urinating on a guy masturbating, okay, okay? who called? that seems a little out of the ordinary, yeah, I think I see something that I don't know, I don't know if it's terrorism per se, but it's definitely detrimental to the social fabric and then they put terrorism experts on CNN with their apocalyptic scenarios of what that could happen and you get the feeling that they are coming up with ideas that the terrorists haven't thought of themselves, they are like you know this, very few people know this, but there is actually an incredibly important atomic substation located right in Ocala, Florida.

Now it wouldn't be difficult for them to find him. I'll show you right here on the map exactly where it is. All that would be needed is a very small explosive charge placed at this exact point. Here even a firecracker would do. a bottle rocket or even an egg mcmuffin if they spread an egg mcmuffin right on this spot, right here, the entire east coast would sink. There is only one security guard there. His name is Bob and he's a bit of a drunk, so go figure. how easy it would be for them to get in there it's really scary there's always something new to worry about every day there's a new one bird flu monkeypox mad cow turtle lice stay outside don't go out there's no ozone layer if you go out outside they'll fry you to a crisp don't come in there's mold you can't stay inside either watch out for ticks there are ticks on deer lyme disease will kill you and you'll just walk away you know what it's like literally where you are you'll just wrap yourself in cellophane and you'll bury yourself in a hole in the yard and only hope for the best mad cow, bird flu, bird flu, monkeypox, a while ago there was an outbreak of monkeypox in the midwest monkeypox the monkeys when I heard that you can get a disease.

Oh, by the way, there was an outbreak of monkeypox, people were playing with their prairie dogs and getting the monkey puck when I first heard that you get a disease from playing with your prairie dog, I thought, Well, that's a weird euphemism, you know, I thought, uh, I thought playing with my prairie dog was the best way to avoid illness, but people in the Midwest were getting monkeypox from playing with their prairie dogs. prairie and by the way, the center for disease control intervened and stopped everything in a short time, they realized everything, they are like this, this prairie dog had shared a cage with an African raptor from Namibia and you can see in the knowledge shipment that came from a part of Namibia where the monkey box is widespread, so they went in and quarantined everyone who ever came into contact with these things in about two or three weeks, stopped what could have been a serious epidemic.

Where is? Osama bin laden where the hell is he? We can't find it We can't find it but we can find a gopher with colds and a terrarium in Madison Wisconsin Do you even remember that Bin Laden wasn't important? We're supposed to be looking for Osama Bin Laden, he's public enemy number one, we have to catch Bin Laden and then the new season of American Idol starts and we're like, oh, I don't even want to think about that. We're supposed to do it. democratize the entire Middle East rebuild entire countries from scratch we can't find a guy we can't find an eight foot tall terrorist with kidney failure he's strapped to a fucking dialysis machine, for God's sake, somehow drags it from recording session to recording session that has to leave some kind of trail in the sand, don't you think we could?

I mean, it's not like he keeps a low profile, he has a type, every time you think he's gone forever, he puts out another shitty record that he's like Madonna to. For God's sake, the mad cow doesn't seem to want to leave, the monkey, the box, the bird flew, the bird flew, even that story, watch out for bird flu, it's coming, it will kill 100 billion people, it will kill everyone, it will be a huge global epidemic it is a pandemic that is like an epidemic but worse there is a pea in front it is a pandemic that will kill everyone, even the pandas, even the adorable little pandas will get it, everyone will die because of this pandemic from bird flu, everyone will die at the gym with sports they don't even tell giant stories and then it just disappears the bird flu spread to Romania now it's in Romania but it hasn't affected any Romanian people because apparently the virus can't penetrate shitty colonies and sweatshirts Of polyester. but it could mutate, that's the fear of bird flu, you know how they know these viruses spread, they find dead birds somewhere, they found a dead bird in Romania, they discover the viruses there, who is finding these dead birds everywhere the world when I was a child.

We used to find dead birds all the time We didn't take them for autopsies We picked them up and threw them at the gay kid That's what we did That's what we did when we were kids Kids are cruel We didn't even know What gay was, but we knew She ran like a girl and threw him dead, so she did it again and again. You know, we torture these little guys for choosing a decadent lifestyle, that's why people think these guys are choosing this six-year term. The old boy was choosing to run like a girl, he was choosing to have birds smashed in his face because he knew one day he'd be wearing assless chaps on a paper mache penis float, I mean, you know, he practically broke the mountain broke. . mountain that they didn't want you to see, of course, I don't see Breakback Mountain, I actually asked, I actually asked anyone if they had seen Breakback Mountain,I want to search for missing children here behind the wall, oh Lord, is there anyone happily married?

Is anyone really happily married? It just doesn't seem like it. I know a couple of people who seem pretty happily married, but mostly. part of it like, especially if you watch television, like the image of marriage in America, holy shit, you see these sitcoms, it's like they're just these whiny, sex-starved liars, you know, and the wives are like that and it's like, oh yeah Please, can I have some sex? It's my birthday, slow. tiger down, what's wrong with the grass? There are more men spanked on television than in friendship. It is a miserable existence. You see?

See this guy who got hit by lightning? He was struck by lightning seven times. He had been struck by lightning. seven times and he survived and then he committed suicide for a woman God couldn't kill this guy send the experts there's a guy oh there was uh how about that guy jumped off the carnival cruise jumped off the cruiser jumped off the balcony? from a cruise to the ocean because he got into a fight with his wife over the bar bill, so he jumped into the ocean and drowned. That story sounds crazy to anyone who's never been married because I swear to God I'm not saying it's perfect. when I heard that story I thought yeah, I could see exactly what I'm like like you're drunk I'm on vacation you're drunk I'm on vacation tomorrow you'll be hungover you're supposed to do ice sculpture classes on the terrace of the lido if you don't shut your mouth I'm going to jump off this damn balcony you don't have the ball not even barack obama and michelle obama seem to be very happy together and even he has to play that role of the cliché, stereotypical, stupid loser husband, you know, I don't know, you'll have to ask Michelle Holy Yeah I heard the number of times he said during the campaign, well, oh, she's the smart one, really, that's really what he thinks uh, you know she's the smart one in the family, I mean, I'm president of the united states of america, but I mean, she's really the one you know, she was asked during the campaign if she quit smoking, she said what happened to your smoking, she said, well, I made a deal with Michelle that I could run for president if I quit. from smoking, so you know how that turned out, you really, really think that's how it happened, he really had to ask permission, he had to make a little deal with his poopy wife to run for president of the united states, please, michelle, Please, I really want to be president.

I know that doesn't sound like I'm doing a character that I would become. oh please, i really want to be president michelle, you're the smart one, please, what's up with the smoking bunkhouse? If that's true, how could you negotiate with other world leaders? You will stop the development of your nuclear program. Immediately your wife actually told you to say that, look at me, I'm smoking. I love smoking. Oh, it's delicious to smoke. Should I talk to Michelle directly or do you have balls left? Let me ask you. Do you want us to talk about nuclear energy? or uh, I love smoking.

Do you know what I tell my wife? She told me that she should stop smoking. I cut off her tits. That's what she would do. That? You can talk? Tonight is date night for you. You need? for uh you need to go see uh I don't know what in my country we don't have state movies you know something with sandra bullock I guess or uh matthew mcconaughey maybe he has a movie one of those 50 first dates or something like that What am I usually in my harem? I don't know what you do on date nights. It's probably something like that.

You know, it seems to be a lot easier nowadays. Even my friends go on computer dates all the time. that used to be for losers that used to be for losers now everyone goes on the computer just type I know guys who date five six different women a week like hot computer women you know and it's just my luck that I get married and they date this cool new way to get laid. I feel like a guy who got polio a week before the vaccine came out. It's just not easy in all couple fights. We all fight.

Everyone here fights. Age does not matter. The youngest couples. slightly older couples cowboy couples everyone fights well everyone fights and we've all had the same fights and you know exactly the fights I'm talking about exactly the ones I'm talking about you know the one where you're bombing in an empty club in Wheeling West Virginia and some toothless moron in the front rows like you're not from around here you're a guy and you're like did you really just say that cliche you drooling idiot people still say inbreds like idiots? If you listen to me here, you're a guy and he's like a man, you suck, you're not funny at all and you say, hey, don't be mad at me because you caught your rat tail and to tip the world at work today. wow, okay, I didn't, uh, I didn't tell you to drop out of high school and eat candy 15 hours a day for the last 15 years.

I'm pretty sure you came up with that approach to life. all because of your own blood cousin, you know, and I was like, man, I'm going to kick your ass, like why don't you kick my ass? So, then, you get off stage, start taking shots of tequila just to numb the pain, and then you move on. The phone with your wife and she says: Are you drunk? You say: Yes, I'm drunk. I'm in West Virginia. I'm going to stay drunk the entire damn time I'm here. Well, I hate you. I go on tour and get drunk all the time, well I hate going on tour doing my love, but I'm just trying to make a damn living here, okay, and if getting drunk is the only way I can anesthetize myself enough to entertain to a group.

Of monsters with whom I have nothing in common. I would have thought that you, the person who supposedly loves me for me, would take my side just once and try to show a little compassion. Well, I never would have married you if I knew you would go on tour, get drunk, and work in nightclubs. I wouldn't have married someone like that. Yes, you would have because that's how we met. Remember and remember that I said I wasn't going to change. lifestyle, that's why I said we shouldn't get married, but you pressured me to get married anyway because you women are psychotic lunatics who can't leave that alone.

It's always like, where are we going? Where are we headed? Where is this? going where is the next step? where we go? where is this going? we have to take another step we have to show more commitment we have to go even further than we are now where this is going and then once you get someone hooked you take what you originally found attractive and attractive about them and you try to get rid of them and turn them into a neutered puppy which is subconsciously what you really wanted in the first place. Have you had that many times?

Yes, it's the same thing years ago, I came home drunk on my motorcycle. I know it was stupid but I had to pretend I wasn't drunk which is impossible and we have one of these high beds so I have to get on the high bed and pretend to be sober and she can see through it you know what I'm talking too loud and I'm slurring my words I'm still wearing my helmet that won't fool anyone lying in bed with my butt naked and a big full face helmet on my head. I'm not drunk, honey, I thought we could play space fantasy alien invaders.

My favorite story from last year was about this guy, Brian Nichols, who was on trial for rape, instead of going to trial, he stole a gun from a court officer and beat him up a bunch. of people murdered a couple of people and then he holds this woman hostage in his apartment for seven hours, she makes breakfast and he let her go now, I don't want to sound sexist, but there's a lesson there, you know how Maybe I won't kill you girls. to learn your way around the kitchen you know, a nice fluffy stack of flapjacks turns that murderous rapist into john mayer, for God's sake, imagine what, imagine what a good omelet could do for that guy, not really I am, I'm not a misogynist at all, but rappers, those guys are a misogynist man, they get away with it, a little John has a song on his latest album, he doesn't go with the dick anymore, just with the dick in his throat , you won't get child support, not that it's a bad approach to life. necessarily, but I don't want kids to grow up hearing that message.

I don't want kids to think that throat-and-support rhyme isn't cool, it's just getting old, it just sucks. I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't watch MTV, I'm sorry. like it's 150 years old shows like mtv cribs, that's a great show isn't it? It's a great show to see an 18-year-old rapper show off his 40-room mansion, you know, with waterfalls and media rooms and movie theaters, you know? I'm twice his age I'm sitting on the sofa in my bed oh look at that child what a nice crib this house has 18 bathrooms a rest of Italian marble imported from a 14th century Franciscan monastery meanwhile I'm urinating in the sink because my wife She's locked herself in our only bathroom and won't come out, so I admit I have a drinking problem.

Well, the wait will be long, my love, so hang in there when you get out. You might want to watch some MTV Cribs. because I realized that the ridiculous thing was not busting his balls for what he does, it's relax, man, I love watching hip-hop videos because to the man they are cool, right? They are much better than wives or girlfriends If I had to do it all over again. I would never get married, I would just have a lot of because man you see those hip-hop videos they're cool, they're always in a good mood, they just dance in their thongs and their high heels and you can bong. hits all day play the xbox your friends can come over never complain they never tell you to mow the grass or you know take your feet off the couch don't even talk they don't even have vocal cords right they would really just get in the way they're cool you know , if you have a wife or girlfriend, she might help you wash the car, but she's not going to soak herself in suds or press her tits all over the windshield, you know, but do it, that's how it's done.

They spend all day washing things with their tits it's like what if and if they get in a bad mood if you get into a fight with one of your people you don't have to apologize you don't have to buy flowers You just turn up the music and they dance more, It's like they can't help it. Eh, I don't know anything about women, obviously, I really don't, I don't, I don't even understand some things. some very basic stuff i saw a girl peeing on the sidewalk the other day, that's a new york moment for you, i'm just going to pee right here, she wasn't homeless or anything, she was just lazy i guess, she was just sitting around there with his friends.

I just peed on the side I passed and there was a girl peeing on the side, not a little like an adult peeing on the sidewalk and then I noticed out of the corner of my eye that the stream of pee seemed to be coming from higher up. higher than I would have thought and that's when I realized, rather embarrassingly, that I'm not even sure where the girls are from. You know, I'm not exactly sure. Speaking of a failure of the public education system, you would think it would have picked up. I'm not even sure exactly where they peed and women have peed on me, you know, but I'm usually focused on other things like Holy, how did I get this?

Know? or wow port. Rich girls sure eat a lot of asparagus, but yeah, remember the first time you saw a vagina like a holy dude when you were a kid and you saw a real adult vagina for the first time like in a magazine? I found you like a scammer magazine and there was a girl with her arms open and I'm looking at my friends. She was about nine years old. That's the most horrible thing you've ever seen in your life. I looked at him. I thought. This girl has been hurt, why are they taking a photo of her?

Someone takes her to the hospital. She needs to be sewn or something cut out or whatever she does. She is sitting on a landmine. What's going on here? There is a young man like that. culture oriented you know it's like a party when you're young and then you decline and you just die miserably and fade away you know it should be the other way around like I think the drinking age should be 40 I think you should start drinking at 40 because it's When you need it, you have to save it, build a foundation and then pick yourself up when you need it because you know when you're young life is good later is when it gets tough, like my life is.

It's harder now than when I was younger. I want to be awake all the time, you know, but I can't because I'm an alcoholic now and I can't drink anything because when I do I end up snorting meth. I put out a knife in some late-night bar thinking I'm going to be late for my morning flight, except it's like two in the afternoon and the flight was six weeks ago and you're like, Holy shit, how did that happen? You know, save it. because you know the things you do when you're young aren't that bad anyway parties are fun anyway some things later in life that suck parent-teacher conferences that's not so easy parent-teacher conferences discovering your Sons are kind of late bloomers, that would be uh, that would be a lot easier with some fat rails and some shots of jack on you, yeah, what's that, heYou can't read, maybe you're not a reader, reading isn't for everyone, maybe you're just frustrated. by the fact that reading seems like a permanent form of communication maybe maybe he's a vision maybe he thinks everything should be directly instead of being downloaded we're having transcription or sex you know you always go out and get drunk to get laid or save it For later is when you need the chemicals you know later, when you've been reluctantly pushing your semi-hard into the same woman for 25 years, that's when you need the beer glasses, I think at that point, now that you're 18 or 19 and everything is pretty much where it's supposed to be it's later let's face it older people it's disgusting people have always grown up on it it's disgusting for older people even if you're an older person you're still being another old person, all people are disgusting.

I know this because I used to work in a nursing home and it's disgusting and it's not worse for women because now with Viagra men are going to want to have sex forever. Can you imagine lying there looking at the hollowed out shell of the man who married a broken old man with his sweaty liver, his stained head, just panting and his big bushy eyebrows, he's looking at you, his saggy man tits swinging with strands of hair gray that hit you in the face like two Santa Claus beards that tickle your chin. While you grind his bony pelvis here, wouldn't it be a good time for a little ecstasy?

Wouldn't it be a good time to start rolling a little? Then you know you know well that this is not bad at all, your two -The scrotum of the foot feels like God's tongue on my thigh, what do I know about anything that I don't know? I don't know much about women, obviously, especially attractive women, they have a different sense of the world, you know, a lot of times they don't. I don't even understand that the world is so much easier or at least that the world does its best when I was talking to this girl and she says to me: you know you should go to Europe, you should go to Europe, it's great to be there, you know ? just meet people, so you just meet people, they show you around, you know, the guys on their motorcycles will show you around like you meet people, really, that's how it's going to play out, that's how it's going to play out for me, right? do you really think so?

I have been to Europe. I don't remember any private tours. I was standing on many sidewalks. I would have stopped on her scooter. Hey, come on, thanks Giuseppe. The city is beautiful. I was talking to a friend. mine and she said you know it's very difficult for women and many people know the workplace in manyIn some cases you know there is a lot of discrimination, she was pointing out all these jobs and there are very few women in this field, never pilots, There are very few female pilots and that's true, there are not many female pilots that I realized I was in. a plane the other day and the pilot showed up and it was a woman it was a woman's voice this is your captain captain johnson and everyone on that plane and the women were saying what they seriously put the real pilot in holy this is a big fancy machine you're driving buttercup this isn't barbie's dream car you're around with her jobs that are hard for men to get you know bikini waxing jobs for guys that aren't easy damn here for the wax job on something that's like I like wax I guess you know how to mix them I have my tools in the truck do you want me to start right now let's face it it's not easy to have relationships nowadays because there's too much external pressure there's too much sexual stimulation There's too much going on you know all this porn on the internet , there is pornography everywhere and they are doing well.

Internet porn is ruining marriages, you know, I don't know if it ruined my marriage, but it definitely destroyed my keyboard and there's too much sexual pressure on us. as men you walk around in a constant state of irritation that women can't even relate to and you don't understand what it's like to be constantly visually tortured. I mean, look, when was the last time a woman here was considered masturbating with a mannequin in a department store, okay, you don't even imagine that she would ever turn him down. I saw a saleswoman taking off a mannequin's panties. It was the sexiest thing I've ever seen in my life.

The sexiest thing I've ever seen in my life. my life only she was doing her job by just taking off her panties it didn't even occur to her that she was doing something erotic, she was just automatically taking off her panties and I could barely use all my strength not to erase it right there. in the middle of taking the panties off a mannequin and it wasn't even a full mannequin it was like a torsomatic it had no arms or legs and the jeans how much lower are these jeans going to be? You can it's just crazy with people that You have a cut in the middle of your vagina, I mean, you see these girls walk around and hug each other, you're literally like jeans hugging, you know, you see them in the store like me, these jeans make my appearance be fast.

I have a big date I need. I need it to look really good, it's just a lot cleaner, you know, gyms have those leg contraptions, that machine you're like it's not supposed to turn you on, you know I was at the gym a while ago. This girl says: hey, I know you from somewhere, you know what you could do, but can we talk after you're done with the spreader? because you know it's a little distracting. I do about four push-ups a year. I'm having a It's hard enough not to pass out without talking directly to your open vagina.

I know the cleavage I had in Las Vegas. I saw this woman who had glitter on her chest. She shines and she catches me staring. I'm not even trying to look. I just looked at her it's like you put glitter on your tits what did you think she was going to happen? Were you hoping to divert attention? It was a distraction tactic. Know? Why don't you hire a marching band to walk around you with neon signs on their boobs? looking at what are you looking at oh my god what's your problem what's your problem herbert look into my eyes look into my eyes this friend of mine told me that she dresses me this way to attract a guy but I want to attract the right guy I don't want to attract all the bums on the street well that's how cleavage works it's not it's not a smart bomb it's not a laser guided weapon you can hit your target there will also be a lot of collateral damage that's just the way it's going you can hit the guy on the porch, you're also going to hit the guy with a knocked out tooth on the bus and you really have to accept it, you have to be happy that you have that kind of power over men.

There's nothing I can do to have that power over women I can't walk around with my balls tight hello you know some glitter hey I'm up here I was a speeding officer but I'm getting obsessed with the idea of ​​aging and death, so I'm trying to be a better person over the last year. I'm trying to do more moral things, but I don't really belong to any real religion. A friend of mine is a Christian and he said to me, "You know what you're doing." you have to do every time you are faced with a moral dilemma, simply ask yourself what Jesus would do in that situation.

You know what Jesus would do, which sounds simple, but the only problem is you know I'm seven years older than Jesus when he. He died so I don't know what Jesus would do, you know, I'm sure if Jesus' balls had been submerged in toilet water, he might have a completely different perspective on life, you know, it's like I can't really say what he would do. Jesus. I always say, "Well, I don't know if Jesus had just turned 40 and felt fat and old and was traveling and felt lonely and miserable and his wife was being total at home and feeling all over him." old and unattractive because his balls had started to dip in the water, you know, he would make out with that stripper in Las Vegas just to feel better?

I don't know, I don't know what Jesus would have done and you know I was raised. Catholic, I was raised Catholic and I just had to do it, I don't like it anymore and I and I just can't forgive the church for how they handled all the pedophilia stuff, I mean, you know, that just came out. of the control man, they actually held conferences in Rome to discuss how they would handle the pedophile scandals and they were week-long conferences, what are they talking about, you know, what needs to be talked about, hey, let's stop the kids, guys , what do they say? right, almost everything ready, then see you next year, let's just remember that there are no more children, right, well, someone proposed a one-time strike and you're out of politics and it was rejected, I mean, okay, it's not me Who is inventing this?

Basically, someone came out and said, look, we can't kick a guy out for just a kid, come on, that's not uh, that's not cool, everyone, a kid, once in a while, you can't, I mean, it's going to happen, you know, maybe. We'll move them to a parish where there aren't so many attractive kids, it's just not fair to throw out the guy and the Pope, you know, the last Pope, everyone loved the last Pope, you know, yeah, now, the new Pope, no one cares. gives a Pope. What is his face? Nobody really cares about the Nazi pope the new Nazi pope nobody is interested in him the last pope everyone said he was a was a saint now they want to make him a saint they want to make him a saint they say they have miracle evidence that he performed miracles miracles you know what they don't I want to sound sacrilegious but miracles do you think the Pope performed miracles died of a urinary tract infection had less magical powers than cranberry juice somehow I'm supposed to believe he has a whole bag of tricks up his sleeve I don't know, Christians are crazy people, I mean, obviously there are titles, but they are always protesting this ridiculous thing, they wanted to boycott Walmart stores because Walmart was asking their employees to say happy holidays. of Merry Christmas is that it's crazy to say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas It's not just Christmas there are other holidays there are other people celebrating holidays like the Jews for example you know they have some kind of shitty little party and it would be like that It would be a mistake to make them feel like second class citizens because let's be realistic.

You know that if you're Jewish and you're shopping at Walmart, you know that your life is probably not going as planned. You know what I mean. uh, it just seems wrong, you know, okay, I get it, I didn't go to business school or medical school, you know, I'm just trying to buy some cheap socks, I don't need an old blue vest to remind me. about Christmas when I have nothing to do with it Hey, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Jewish guy, stop it, that's really what they're saying, Christians want you to go see movies like March of the Penguins, go see the march of the penguins, get march of the penguins on DVD it is a great movie, it is inspiring, it shows you the wonder of the power of God.

Only God would create a creature as majestic as a stupid giant flightless bird that has to walk 70 miles across ice just to eat a fish and then walk its stupid ass for a long time, only a loving god would create such a ridiculous caricature of a living creature and God said, you know, they said well, uh, uh, penguins are monogamous, so that shows you that God wants us to be monogamous, that movie promotes traditional. Family values ​​like monogamy Well, first of all, penguins are monogamous for one year, one mating season, anyone could be the same person for a year, especially if each person looked exactly the same as everyone else, these reality shows they only encourage the average person to think that they can become stars of these shows.

They get worse and harder all the time, I swear to God, I'm happy, I'm half expecting a show where they just throw a bunch of paraplegics into a lake just to see what happens, that show is coming, trust me, someone's going to come. If you imagine a show like that and you would watch it too, The Floater, you wouldn't watch a show called The Floater, everyone would watch the Floater, it would be a huge hit and there would be tons of paraplegics lined up around the block. to be a part of this I'm also optimistic I'm very optimistic I want to stay there I can meet Ryan Seacrest they are reality shows where people just go out admit you know all these daytime talk shows that are so decadent You know the other day I was watching these talk shows daytime interviews where there was a group of women who had babies and they didn't know who the father of the baby was and they were just proud. to be on national television admitting that and I'm not judging these girls morally, I really don't because I do a lot of immoral things, believe me, but I lie about it and I cover it up because I'm a Christian and I have the decency I have the decency to create a false sensation Wellness at my house, you know, let's say I go on a trip and breathe a lot of blows with a prostitute in Reno, let's say hypothetically right when I get home.

I feel pretty bad about myself, but I'm not trying to make myself feel better by telling my wife everything. That would mean that I carry that pain inside her with me because I am a decent person and I care about her and me. I don't want to hurt her because I'm a good guy, so I have tostealing beer and It was the same clip of them stealing beer at the liquor store and everyone said they were impressed that someone stole the beard. Look at those people stealing beer at a time like this. Can you believe it?

Can you believe they're stealing beer at a time like this? At a time like this, yes, yes, I can believe it, of course I can believe it, if I were very poor and left behind in a major American city and had to paddle like a dog through the sewage to find a roof over my head. sleep, maybe I would like to. get up, I might really want to, yeah, I mean, I might want to get a little excited in that situation. You know, a little free beer might seem like a good idea when everything was underwater, because you know I've done it.

I got drunk because it was cloudy and I thought I actually heard people complaining that the countries we helped during the tsunami didn't help us during a jury katrina. Well, with those people, we hope they are not helping us now, first of all, they did help. us and secondly how much help do we expect from these spoiled Bangladeshi fishmongers, those damn bastards living high while we are underwater, they must have something they could have sent, maybe at least a half eaten blanket? Out there, I'm sure they had a half-eaten blanket, so the economy has been terrible, of course, but you know, there are some good things about the economy being so bad that people are keeping things in perspective for first time.

This time it's amazing that people are saying things like, you know, I hate my job, but in this economy I'm happy just to have my job, a lot of people don't have their jobs, you know, I didn't get a raise this year. but in this economy I'm happy to have what I have, a lot of people don't, I have a shitty car, but in this economy I'm happy, I still have my car, a lot of people don't even have it. I have cars in this economy. I was ass raped last night, but in this economy I was happy to be ass raped.

Many people are no longer raped in the ass. It's good that they rape you. They established everything. I also got burned out, which I thought was unnecessary, but in this economy I was happy just to have to get burned out. You know, the fact that they raped me in the ass and burned everything. I was in this economy. I was very happy to have that. a lot of my friends you don't have a lot of money and they were calling me, you know, hey, you lost a lot of money in the stock market, you got cream, but I've had a lot of personal problems in the last few years, so I don't have any money and they call me as if not.

In reality, I have exactly the same amount of money now as I did when this all started. It turns out that investing all my money in tequila and strippers was nothing. It's not such a bad policy after all, you know, uh, uh, this is a very, very good time to be a disaster, that's all I'm saying, you know, expectations are pretty low, the Obama administration lifted the ban . about embryonic stem cell research, which, uh, no, I wasn't even sure what embryonic stem cell research was, I just knew that Christian groups hated it, so I thought it had to be amazing and, you know, I looked for it a little.

But it turns out that embryonic stem cells are stem cells that come from human embryos and can be used to cure diseases like Parkinson's and cancer and these Christian groups were blocking the use all the time because they say that these stem cells come from a life they represent. lifelife is being destroyed there is a miracle of life there a miracle of life it is just a couple of cells it is just a human egg a few cells that have been touched by just a little piece of cheese just a little bit of sperm there that is everything you put just a little applause is simply God, it's nothing miraculous, it's sperm.

I have a ton of that in my apartment right now. It's just, it's just, it's just my God, that's all. It's not something special. It's not a miracle. It would be a miracle if the sperm. I can have a baby on my own if I come back to my apartment and there's a baby coming out of my trash can all covered in tissues and wow, I better get the little sperm baby here to get baptized or something because clearly these Christians are in something maybe I better take a little bravery, I better take my little one, I better take the little man, here I wouldn't call him mango, that would probably be a little too obvious, something else, you know, you know these stem cells, I mean.

They could use them to cure diseases like Parkinson's Michael J Fox has Parkinson's. I have done many programs for this type. Is incredible. You know, he's way cooler than any baby I've ever met. There is a Puerto Rican woman who has been. nominated to be on the Supreme Court, that's very exciting for a lot of people, no one here today, but a lot of people get excited, a lot of people get excited because I was talking to this guy and the guy says he couldn't believe it. what came out of his mouth he said: you know what I don't know, that I feel comfortable with a woman on the supreme court, I mean, I don't like women getting jobs like that, you know I don't like women judging, you know, I just mean it's not like they have to make a really important decision and they're having their period or something, you know, and they're in a bad mood or whatever you know, that's people's lives. on the line how ignorant is that, the most ignorant thing you have ever heard if she is having her period, yes that is the most ignorant thing I have ever heard, she must be about 50 years old, this on her period, this woman is definitely past it because of menopause.

She's almost as good as a guy now she has to be dry as a bone down there what kind of desert she might have balls too why would you think she wouldn't be a good judge? she's like a boy because There's no more bleeding when she was appointed, you know, she in court said that being nominated to the Supreme Court was the most humiliating experience of her life. Humble people always say that kind of thing at the wrong time. You know, this was humiliating. so humiliating that they actually mean the exact opposite, oh yeah, for the president of the United States to call you personally and ask you to be on the supreme court, that's a real kick in the face, huh, holy shit, that really makes me made it go down a level, why don't you do it? my throat, Mr.

President, I did a show once and this super sexy girl came up to me after her and said I really want you to call me, call me and she gave me her business card. She was excited, you know, I thought this was holy. It's good, you know, I took the card and I looked at it and it said escort, that was humiliating, I mean on so many levels, because obviously she doesn't like me that much, you know, and she also has a business card and I don't know what kind of Career oriented prostitute walking with a business card.

Holy shit, I can't get a deal. I can't get myself together enough to go to the printer. Get a business card. somehow he has time between buying cocaine and nipple ointments or whatever he needs, you know, ointments and all the gels they always need, they need gels, he's got a prostitute with a business card, you think he throws her at her fish tank to fuddruckers in hopes of winning a free prize. lunch for the whole brothel, I want, I want snacks, we're all going to abandon what's not filling, we have a free lunch coming, you're going to get full, don't get full, you know, when I travel.

Many times I can't distinguish the different types of sense of humor when people are too nice I don't know if they are with me or if they know me from the barbecue and are trying to roast me, you know? I was checking into a hotel recently and the girl behind the counter says we have to take you to a handicap room. I like her, but it turned out she was trying to hook me up with a bigger room like at this hotel. The room is like the large room, that's how you know you're staying in some quality places when the handicap room is their version of the presidential suite.

You know your room is ready, sir, but you know I didn't really appreciate it enough at the time. so every time I walked past her I felt like I really had to show some appreciation, so thank you, thank you, what a room, thank you, that's really all you said, it would be more, I never imagined that one day I could have my feet to three inches apart. the floor is very nice that little peephole at waist level is very useful oh hey these balls don't look threatening at all come on oh are you doing cleaning chores come on how come when you put do not disturb at the door, doesn't it seem like that? to apply for housekeeping or housekeeping I have the do not disturb sign at housekeeping who else is it for?

You were practically the only person I thought could stop by here. I'm in a hotel, it's not like I invited a whole team. of people who come and then change their mind at the last minute no, you know what? On the other hand, I have a group of old friends who come over at 7:00 a.m., you know what? Maybe not. I saw one of those hummers, those giant hummers. cars with handicapped tags, yeah I never realized being a was technically a disability but who knows when I was in the handicapped room I slipped, I actually slipped and almost fell in the handicapped shower, how ironic It would have been to become disabled while I stayed. in a handicapped room, sorry sir, you will never walk again.

Well, normally I'd be mad, but I already have a place to stay for the next two days, so I'm pretty okay with that, you know, take advantage. a bit